REQ: Some Jokes

[Spectrum]

While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

[Hal Hanig]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

Good heavens! What are you.....some sort of rabble rouser?
(^+^))))))))
(howzzat?)

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

Maybe we could.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
Richard Lederet, St. Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessart and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids
in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of
mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac,
stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up
his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of
Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who
lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 500 wives
and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles
appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advise. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Granks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they faught with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets
the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caeser extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel
tyrrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops
before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard
Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, Magna Carta provided that no true man should be hanged twice
for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the Church door at
Wittenberg for selling Papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest
in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was
an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the
Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes. Another important inventior was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous because of his plays. He
lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and
errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady
Macbeth tries to convince McBeth of a heroic couplet. Writing at the
same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hole.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then
his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Chritsopher Columbus was a real
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the
Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who
came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian
squabs carried porpoises on their cabooses, which proved very fatal to
them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for
all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without any stamps. During the way, the Red Coats and Paul Revere
was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the
peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had
to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each
arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and
is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our country. Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He
said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the
Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclomation, and the fourteenth amendment gave the
ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would rather torcher and
lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it
represented law and oder. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went
to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticable in the Autumn when
the apples are falling off trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beetoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beetoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revloution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems, and was
very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is on
the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest
Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and
finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote
The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx
became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.




The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
-----------------------------------
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: how did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: what do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her
ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: what is the difference between elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: what's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already
written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: what are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 4 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a
blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room
for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

Q: did you hear bout the blonde who couln't wait to see "20,000
Leagues Under the Sea"?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were
so many teams.

Q: did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with
her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to
work or coming home.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: (Finger on chin) -I don't know. (Hits forehead) -Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
A: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip
cookies?
A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M & M’s

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde,
I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
R: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her trunk?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!
(Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a
College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36. Average
is about 18-20, I think.)

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the
air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in
six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: there was a blonde and a brunette who were about to commit suicide.
They both jumped off a tall building, and a couple of seconds later, the
brunette hit the pavement, but not the blonde. What happened to her?
A: She got lost.

Q: A guy asked his blonde wife "how did you get the car in the living
room"?
A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told
me she didn't know how to cook them.

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter
said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint
Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then
She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy
tells me..."

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a
book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was
volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to
think -- I'm blonde!"

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just
don't remember who with.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the
first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote
this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE
UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to
the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she
would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down,
walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady
then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry,"
came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a
make-up exam?

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to
rain and the top is down!

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the
sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign
that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to
herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN
RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned
43 restrooms.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says
suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up,
and says, "Where?"

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong
way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people
were leaving.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said
"Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those
arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both
killed by a train.

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the
priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over
and talk slower?"

Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's
lamp t he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The
first said, "I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second
blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette.
The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she
became a man.

Imitation of a blonde refuelling: (Flap hand, blowing air into ears)


Another blonde sent a post card home: "Having a wonderful time....Where
am I?"

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The
announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was
mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals (or
for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know
all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

Blonde Medical Terminology:
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

Did you hear about the blonde who sniffed Equal?
She thought it was diet coke

Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie?
Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.

What do four blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.

What's the difference between an intelligent blonde and a U.F.O.?
There have been U.F.O. sightings.

How does a blond hemophiliac cure herself?
With acupuncture!

What did the blonde say when the job interviewer asked "Please spell
your name?"
"Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E."

Did you hear about the Blonde who won a gold medal?
She was so proud that she had it bronzed.

Why Blondes & Computers Don't Mix.
1. there are too many numbers past 1
2. it's not easy to remove fingernail polish from the keys.
3. too many broken nails jam the keyboard. (bad typists)
4. the alphabet is not in the right order on the keyboard.
5. the computers refuse to answer when blonde talk to them.
5. blondes can't figure out which key starts the food processor.
6. they keep trying to force feed cheese to the mouse.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A Space Invader.--

Did you hear about the blonde who is so dumb she thinks Manual Labor is
a Mexican?

Did you hear about the blond who was two hours late getting home because
the escalator got stuck?

Did you hear about the blond who stayed up all night studying for her
urine test?

Did you hear about the blonde who only smelled good on the right side?
She didn't know where to buy Left Guard.

Did you hear about the blonde housewife who was mad at her husband
because he was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all to shreds.


STUPID BUMPER STICKERS AND OTHER SAYINGS

* Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.
* Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
* Drive defensively, buy a tank.
* I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
* Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
* Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
* Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
* It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on
the exam anyway.
* If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
* Reality is a figment of your imagination.
* Life is just one of those things.
* Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.
* I can handle pain until it hurts.
* It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
* Live teddy bears are best.
* The ultimate reason is "because."
* I'm objective; I object to everything.
* You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
* Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
* If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
* If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
* I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
* It's only a game until you lose.
* If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears.
* Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
* Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
* Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining.
* No matter where you go; you're there.
* Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy -
not with others, but with yourself.
* Love isn't love until you give it away.
* Nothing is ever 100%
* If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.
* Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.
* Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.
* The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
* Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
* Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
* Save the whales, collect the whole set.
* If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
* 90% of everything is crud.
* Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
* Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
* Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
* Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
* If all else fails, throw up.
* No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
* If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
* If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
* My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
* In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
* The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
* Everything is possible; just not too probable.
* Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
* Why should I grow up? This is more fun!
* Speak softly, but carry an M16.
* Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
* In theory, everything works.
* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
* Repetition is always better the second time.
* Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.
* Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
* Death is the consequence of being alive.
* Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
* Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
* People who think they know what they're doing
are especially annoying to those of us who do.
* Life without bears would be unbearable.
* Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
* Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
* Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
* It's been Monday all week.
* When all else fails, lower your standards.
* I'm surrounded by idiots!
* I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
* No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are in
really deep sh*t.
* Never go into a hug off balance.
* Cute and interesting are two different things.
* If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
* Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.
* It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
* I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.
* If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.
* A kibble is one thousand nibbles.
* Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.

* It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
* Gravity always gets me down.
* I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
* I'm serious; it was a joke.
* Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
* If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.
* I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
* Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm
supposed to do with it.
* I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
* Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
* You can't be late until you show up.
* It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room
temperature.
* It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
* It's not when you get up, but when you get down.
* I must have a prodigious quantity of mind;
it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
* I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
* Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
* To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
* Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy.
* When in doubt, use brute force.
* A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
* Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
* My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
* Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.
* Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
* They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
* When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
* If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
* Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
* Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
* Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
* Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
* The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
* There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
* Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day.
* Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
* You know it's a bad day when...
... the sun comes up in the west.
... you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
... you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
... your pet rock snaps at you.
... the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
... your income tax refund check bounces.
... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.
* Nothing is as easy as it looks.
* Everything takes longer than you think.
* It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
* Mother Nature is a bitch.
* When things just can't get any worse, they will.
* Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
* No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
* Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
* Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
* In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
* Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
* What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
* When it rains, it pours.
* The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
* A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
* Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
* It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
* You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
* If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
* Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
* Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the
smell.
* I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
* I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
* The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's
unfamiliar territory.
* There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.
* The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
* Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
* Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
* A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
* He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.
* If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be
a he-then.
* When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.`
* Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of
them was assaulted?
* It's bad luck to be superstitious.
* Had this been an actual emergency, we would
have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
* According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
* Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
* Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
* Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
* Honk if you like peace and quiet.
* Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
* Paul Revere was a tattle-tail.
* Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life.
* Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.

Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some
good ideas.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
hand it to him.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"
and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so
is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a
regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I
am now.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I
had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy
whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off
the paint.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take
that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're
talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it
would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a
magazine.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on
a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with
a wooden stake.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground,
and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then
suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a
lot of money."

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater
until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then
all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla.
Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole
is reserved for skeletons."

50 Fun Things for Teachers to Do on the First Day of Class

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was
the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a
student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask me, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand
them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture,
Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while
muttering "tsk, tsk".
9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
whether your butt looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all
questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."
16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone
book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of
you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm".
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin
singing spirituals.
22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a
waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
name, rank, and serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce
that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and
proceed normally.
27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone
asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions
with your hands.
28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers
and ask students to "sit back and groove".
31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.
32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code
all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over
to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base
11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself
in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every
ten minutes.
41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake
the funk".
42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral
hygiene.
44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark
through Armenia, for next class.
45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to
keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about
"that bug I picked up in the field".
50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped?

GOOD HUMOR - BAD ADS

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

East Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Final Exam

Name: _______________
Alias: _______________
Gang: _______________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of ten
shots and shoots 13 rounds at every drive-by shooting, how many drive-by
shootings can he attend before he has to reload? What is the maximum
number of people he can hit?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Ricky for $320,
and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does he have
left? What is the street value of the remaining coke?

3. Rufus is pimping three girls. If his cut is $65 per trick, how many
tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800 per day
crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a
4 x 4 If he has stolen 2 BMW's and three 4 x 4's, how many Chevys will
he have to steal to make $1000?

6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid $10,000
for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how
much money will be left when he gets out of prison (with time off for
good behavior/overcrowding) and how many years will he get for killing
the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he
steals 3 full cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?

8. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She
gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent
goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her
expenses?

9. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at
$25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much
money will he lose by jumping bail?

Murphy’s Law Wanna-be’s

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action.

All generalizations are bad.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Whining is anger through a small opening.

Good students don't "cheat"--they verify.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room
temperature.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no
one else can understand it.

If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's
a knob called "brightness," but that doesn't work.

Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be
wrong.

How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.

Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major
categories: those that don't work, those that break down, and those
that get lost.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by
brute strength and ignorance.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The other line moves faster.

Proofreading is more effective after publication.

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next
freeway exit.

98% of all statistics are made up.

It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes
of statistics.

No matter where you go, there you are.

Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

After all is said and done, much is said and little is done.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Needs are a function of what other people have.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it.

I'll give you a definite maybe.

Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.

No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded.

Nothing can be done in one trip.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Everything takes longer than you think.

Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for,
will promptly develop.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Mother Nature is a bitch.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know.

If you want to make enemies, try to change something.

Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bit 'em,
And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.
And the great fleas themselves, in turn, have greater fleas to go on;
While these again have greater still, and greater still, and so on.

"Diplomacy" is letting them have it your way.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus nine times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.

Anything that is designed to do more than one thing can't do any of them
well.

Truth is. Belief is not required.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the
local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and
tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange
to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up
the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their
children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will
have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get
up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am.
Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am
and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the
alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for
5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and
a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container, a ping
pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of
the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place
on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect
along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you
can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go
back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish
this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to
be an aeroplane. Continue until half the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman
Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.



STEVEN WRIGHT JOKES (AND LOOK-ALIKES)

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are
closed? I'm like that all the time.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her,
"Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two
different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I
said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back
so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall
over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all
the time."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't
doing what I was doing.

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept moving.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front
of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think
I might have written that."

When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and
when I'm out of town... They mail it to me.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk
through into another dimension.

I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that
when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my
premonitions as flashbacks!

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.
No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move
to New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and
smile for a satellite picture.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to
Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1
mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a
full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me
where I live, and I say, "E6".

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all
the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
Pail... Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been
done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.


Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own
food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous.
Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children
$2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you
want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was
clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People
thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3."
They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they
should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part
you don't want to get dirty.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle
where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".

Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice,
can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating
cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
said, "ten-four."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So
I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open
24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included. So I had to buy them again.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me
and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I
like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I
said, "You started this."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said,
"It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift
Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking
girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two
different languages.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier
with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get
it...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get
lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the
box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it
disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so
I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I saw a
close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you
called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't
know... My calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't
think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up
to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and
somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to
leave messages before the beep.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my
fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish
go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme
another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and
went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter
in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I
bought the album.

I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. When I
got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. I
was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my door. It was my
neighbor complaining about the noise... He's a mime.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy
who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...
Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have
to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I
hit a book mark and flew across the room.


I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me
are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it
with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate,
someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact
replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a
real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over
and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I
never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my
camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures
of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was
torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.

My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a megaphone.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you
wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you
wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on
the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my
yard or I'll throw it at them.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my
car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while.
I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I
said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got
out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to
park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (Slow
glance upward.)

I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was
still inside.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the
gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like
I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three
times for practicing.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now
my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the
tires.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...
Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire
trip... I don't remember what it was.

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up
my radio every time I park?

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people
must be really tired.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out
this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run
in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving
down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on
your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon,
but I think I can do it."

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali
print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an
Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within
three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks
carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened
the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you
get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into
picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own
cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole
car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you
know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't
going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't
you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read."

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on
cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us
over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they
arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you.
"License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure."
"License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past,
it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration,
please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and
registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the
cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a
green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what
time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said,
"Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the
entire area was missing.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the
keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a
coathanger.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking
from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one
way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back
the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm
dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking
people over...

I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he
isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the
one who poses for trophies.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much
better...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to
the funeral in one car.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him.
The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking
through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said,
"Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George,
here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars
out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me
borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called,
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til
Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I
said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go
over there and write misspelled words on them.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway
except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I
really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I
told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has
an expiration date.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I
went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.
My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.

My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked,
"If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you
want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back
back to sleep..."

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony
named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis
accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her
out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call
him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he
just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very
disciplined.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catching glove.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one
part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his
glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It
said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to
me like I'm an idiot."

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for
five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway
instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear
this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an only child... Eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a
gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the
street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said,
"Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole
third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the
shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took
advantage of that knowledge.

When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, "Only
you can prevent forest fires." I thought "Who? Me?" So I'd sneak out
of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- "Gotta
go to work."

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find
tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until
he was eight years old.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't
spoken since.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the
band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then
put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd
tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I
can ask him what he meant.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed
my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my
feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the
other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?"
He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I
looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang
around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the
desert. I asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert. He said,
"Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the government."
I asked what kind of research. He said, "I'm trying to determine who
*really* built the pyramids. Now, I'm not positive, but I think it was
a guy named 'Phil'." Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I
picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the
student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your
last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know
what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you
straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and with it
he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never
called me again."

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she
said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw
my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the
problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I
said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is
Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a
Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies
on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty
girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week
in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in
the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison
ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks
about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her
father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the
diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something. Having
sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like going to a concert. She yells a
lot. She throws frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she
lights a match.

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew
I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in
the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put
my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain.
Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream
that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks
in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said,
"Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't
know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he
turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone
skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?"
He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really.
Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off
a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and
a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your
problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer
there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff
up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making
breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over.

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

How young can you die of old age?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out
of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the
swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You
know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to
snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow
in it... Just checking.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he
can get me five.

I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the
white part.

My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold the
bottle though.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not
hereditary.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two
cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package
of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel
the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit
standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were
they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act
like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good.
He could go under a rug.

I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was an
honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and thought I saw
a deer in an orange vest making coffee.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I
wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of
milkmen.

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand.
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help
you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really
like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me
questions?"

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3
for 28 bucks.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost
-- $50. If found, just keep it."

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice.
Everything had two shadows.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his
ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces
on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a
bridge... You can't hear him talk.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was
another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself.
Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself.
Then I quit.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around
and sang Happy Birthday.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then
I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike along the
floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team
scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they
scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was
watching was better.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The
weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then
I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship
that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights,
does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want
your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a
kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I
didn't know until I got there and set it up. People complained because
they couldn't see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn't a
regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long,
thin forest.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a
year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the
top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay
there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away.
Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same
hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at
the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can
guess what he told me.

[Editor: Curiously, I've seen Rod's jokes attributed to SW and vice
versa. I guess that's a compliment to Rod. If any are currently
miscategorized, I'll be happy to fix that...]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a
potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white
cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was
made of grass.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I
make the holes bigger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give
it back.

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar
bill to everybody on the list.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning.
The sky must get awfully crowded.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun
wouldn't rise.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he
become disoriented?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I
couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street.

Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
minutes.

I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this
bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light
on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of
the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What
are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no
doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays
strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup
of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it
was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska.
Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter
said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them.
Now I can ride a unicycle.

I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker
and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair
won't dry on its own.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use
enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing.
Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for
his meetings.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll
be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking
sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a
thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll
be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her,
but when I got home my place was robbed.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the
hanging plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner
price if you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I bought a portable cable TV.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they
found was a pile of dust.

I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.

Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no
cure in sight.

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.

Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had
cross-trained.

You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of
everything happens in a foreign country.

I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and
they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one
way or another.

She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two
feet off the ground.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust. They
tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up a tree. My
feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks.

I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and
dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.

Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will
still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball.

The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I
fell asleep.

Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office
would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last
week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm
getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it..

Ever try to Scotch-gard a sponge?

If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come out
straight?

If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?

I went around my house and turned on all the lights. Then I put mirrors
around all the light bulbs. Now the electric company sends me a check
each month.

"A flashlight is basically a tin can for transporting dead batteries."

"I got a new phone ... the first thing I did was hit "redial." The
phone started having a nervous breakdown."

An article in Forbes magazine reports:
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya
using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who
speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just do it"
appears on the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University
of Cincinatti, says the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these.
Give me big shoes." Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in
America would know what he said."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost,
the chicken would be lost!

From the Wall Street Journal, 3/19/86. Each of these statements
(including the one in the subject) was made by a (different) Michigan
state legislator in a public forum and heard by at least two reporters:
"Before I give you the benefit of my remarks, I'd like to know what
we're talking about."
"There comes a time to put principle aside and do what's right."
"I don't see anything wrong with saving human life. That would be good
politics, even for us."
"This bill goes to the very heart of the moral fiber of human anatomy."
"It's a step in the right direction, it's the answer, and it's
constitutional, which is even better."
"Some of our friends wanted it in the bill, some of our friends wanted
it out, and Jerry and I are going to stick with our friends."
"From now on I'm watching everything you do with a fine-tooth comb."
"The chair would wish the members would refrain from talking about the
intellectual levels of other members. That always leads to problems."
"Mr. Chairman, fellow members and guests. That's a goddamn lie."
"I don't think people appreciate how difficult it is to be a pawn of labor."
"Let's violate the law one more year."
"Mr. Speaker, what bill did we just pass?"

A report in the NORTHWEST FLORIDA DAILY NEWS, Fort Walton Beach,
Florida:
Shelly Gonzalez of Coventry Court, Ocean City, said someone stole a $300
Gucci purse and $270 in food stamps from her home on Dec. 4 or Dec. 5.

Dr. Geraldine Richter was accused of drunk driving after being pulled
over by Virginia state police for driving erratically on Nov. 22, 1990.
She blamed her driving and a subsequent attack on the trooper -- she
tried to kick him in the groin -- on PMS, saying her hormones were out
of whack. A judge dismissed the charges — even though a breath test
showed Richter had a blood alcohol levelof .13%, well over the legal limit.

Q: How many Philadelphia International Airport workers does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Three. A building mechanic to remove the light panel, an electrician
to actually change the bulb, and a custodian to sweep up the dust,
according to actual civil-service requirements.

A pair of academicians released a report that concluded that The Cosby
Show, in its favorable portrayal of middle-class African-American family
life, had desensitized whites to the problems of most blacks. Said one,
the show sends "a message that black people can make it if they try."



Heard from the National Hurricane Center in Coral Gables, Florida during
the peak of the Andrew Hurricane:
"I don't know how fast the wind is blowing, the wind speed indicator
blew away"

I just recently bought an ant farm. I wonder where I can get tractors
small enough for it?

How do you make a Yugo go faster?
With a tow-truck.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for
Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they sent their turkey to the White House!

Clinton's Christmas Dinner
After a couple of Cocktails, President Clinton and the entire entourage
were finally served.
Hilliary Rodham had Breast of Chicken.
Al Gore had Quail.... Of course.
When the Waiter presented President Clinton with the finest Cut of
Prime Rib you ever saw, he Looked at the plate and said " I ordered the
Pork Chops!!"
The Manager (Who was hovering at this point, said respectfully, "Mr.
President, I was there when you ordered and you requested the Prime Rib."
Bill replied, "I never said that..."

So I get this offer in the mail - "Switch to Sprint and get $35 credit
on your next phone bill" I figure, "Why not? $35 is good money for a
phone call." So I call Sprint and make the switch.
Two weeks later I get an offer from AT&T - "We want you back - switch
and get $25 credit" Thinking, "Sure, why not", I put the offer aside,
but forget to follow up. A week later a $75 check arrives from AT&T -
"Endorse and cash this check, and we switch you back" Can't argue with
that. So I cash it and we're back with AT&T.
Another two weeks pass and I get a call from Sprint -
Sprint Lady: "We want you back at Sprint"
Me: "What incentive are you offering"
Sprint Lady: "Better service and prices than AT&T"
Me: "But AT&T just paid me $75"
Sprint Lady: "I can't give you any money, but listen,
SWITCH BACK TO SPRINT NOW AND THEN AT&T WILL SEND YOU ANOTHER $75 - THEN
GO BACK TO AT&T! WE'RE HAPPY TO HAVE AT&T SPEND THEIR MONEY ON YOU."
Really, that's what she said. I gave her full points for creative
marketing and agreed to go back to Sprint.
Sure enough, yesterday a check arrives from AT&T - but only for $25.
Then that night I get a "please switch back" call from AT&T.
Me: "I got your $25 check today - what's the best you can offer me?"
AT&T Guy: "The screen says I can offer $75"
Me: "Make it a hundred and you've got a deal"
AT$T Guy: "I can't go over $75, but I'll tell you what -
GO AHEAD AND CASH THE $25 CHECK ANYWAY AND I'LL ALSO SEND YOU $75 IN
CREDIT CERTIFICATES"
Really, that's what he said. So, you guessed it, we're back with AT&T.
So I'm thinking, this is a great business. Why not install a few dozen
phone lines and earn a living just swapping long distance carriers? On
average I could probably net $50 per line per month. But why stop
there? How about starting a company that handles long distance company
switching for the public? I could sign people up
giving me discretion of which LD company to use, and take 20% of the
incentive fee, passing 80% back to the consumer. Of course, then some
enterprising soul will start a competing company and offer my switchers
an incentive to switch to his switching company ...

"I don't mind being in touch with reality, as long as I don't have to
live there."

"Ask me about my vow of silence."

Q: Why are government employees like a Titan missle?
A: Because they don't work, and you can't fire them.

In my opinion, the opinions expressed here are my personal opinions.


(From the "Selling It" column in the February 1993 issue of Consumer
Reports magazine:)

An Idaho reader sent us this Fred Meyer recipe from the back of a box of
Fred Meyer Crisp Crunch ceral, a product of Oregon-based Fred Meyer Inc.

The Irish Cure for Sea-Sickness: Stand under a tree.

Steven Wright reports spotting the following road sign: "Next mile, 1 mile."

IRS HUMOR: "A lawyer, a doctor, and a priest were marooned on a desert
island. So we confiscated their homes."

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day,
the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a
cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
BASIC COW $499.95
Shipping & Handling 35.75
Extra Stomach 79.25
Two-tone exterior 142.10
Produce storage compartment 126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper 189.60
Four-spigot/high-output drain system 149.20
Automatic fly swatter 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery 179.90
Deluxe dual horns 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb 69.80
---------
FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE $2,843.36
Additional dealer adjust 300.00
=========
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options) $3,143.36

One particualrly hot day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto pull into a bar to
cool off, parking their horses outside. While the famous duo sit at the
bar, a cowboy comes in and says "Hey, who's silver horse is that outside?"
The lone ranger replies "That's my horse. Why?" "Well, It's lookin'
mighty warm. In fact, It looks like it'll keel over any minute".
Quickly Tonto says to his boss, "Keemosaby, do not fear. I will cool
Silver myself. I will run in circles around him as fast as the wind,
and the breeze will cool him." The Lone Ranger thought for a minute,
"OK Tonto. If you think it will work..." So out goes our feerless
sidekick to cool the horse.
A little while later, another cowboy comes into the bar and says, "Hey,
who's silver horse is that outside?"
The lone ranger replies "That's my horse. Why?"

"Well you left your injun runnin'!"

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the cow’s eyes.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one
to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."

George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if
Bill Clinton is elected president."

Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the
inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring
down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country."

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

I don't like Clinton. I didn't vote for Clinton. And I don't like her
husband either.

Why did the Clintons send Chelsea to a private school?
The secret service would be out-gunned at a public school.

The Clintons are out driving in the Virginia country-side and stopped
for gas. As it turned out the gas station manager is a former
boyfriend. After they drive away, Bill comments to Hillary: "If you had
married
that fellow, you would have been the wife of a gas station manager."
"Oh, I don't think so, Bill. He would have been President."

It was so cold in Washington last week that Bill Clinton had to put his
hand in his _own_ pocket!

We elected Clinton for change, and that's about all I have left.

I'm unemployed. Afraid to steal and too proud to run for Congress

A Senate investigative committee convened, and the first witness was
sworn in.
"Have you a lawyer?" the chairman asked.
"No, sir," the witness replied. "I've decided to tell the truth."

A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and
became lost. After a long search of the rambling first floor to find an
exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.
"How do I get outside?" he asked.
"Dial 9," she replied.

Hear about the man whose wife ran off with a mustard salesman?
She wrote him a Dijon letter.

What is the most common speech impediment?
Chewing gum.

Three people (one is your favorite butt of jokes: lawyers, Baptist, etc)
arrive at heaven, and St. Peter greets them before the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven; we have just one last thing to do before you enter.
Are you ready for your last test?" The first person says, "I've
prepared for this moment for 73 years." "OK," says St. Peter, "spell
God." "G-O-D." "Very good, enter your eternal reward." The second
person says, "Well, that was easier than I thought; I'll take MY test
now." "OK," says St. Peter, "spell love." "L-O-V-E." "Excellent,
enter your eternal reward." The [ lawyer ] says, "Boy, is THIS gonna be
a snap. Give me MY test." "OK," says St. Peter, spell chrysanthemum."

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
something right.

If you are invited to a psychic's party, is it necessary to RSVP?

Childish game: one at which your spouse beats you.

Columbus had a fourth ship - it sailed over the edge.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on.

Reason is the wise man's guide, example the fools.

Starfleet Academy has a drama department?

How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who wants to know?

I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, ``Where are they
all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!''
Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
There was a computer in every doorknob.

President Clinton goes jogging through the streets of the District. He
comes upon a young lad
holding a box. He approaches the lad and says, "Hello."
"Hello, Mr. President," replies the boy.
Astounded that this young fellow recognizes him, the President asks,
"What do you have in the box?"
"They're brand new puppies, Mr. President."
"And what kind of puppies are they?"
"They're brand new, Democratic puppies, Mr. President. Very tiny and
very cute."
Grinning, the President pats the boy on the head and continues his run.
The next day, the President is joined by his Vice, and the two come upon
the same young boy. The boy again proves himself to be up on his
current affairs by addressing the two, "Good Morning, Mr. President.
Good morning, Mr. Vice-President."
Prompted by his Executive-in-Chief, Mr. Gore asks the boy what he has in
the box.
"They're puppies, Mr. Vice-President."
Again, prompted, Mr. Gore asks what kind of puppies they are.
"They're Republican puppies, sir."
Aghast, Mr. Clinton demands to know how these puppies are now Republican
puppies.
"Well, sir, last night they opened their eyes."

What if something happens to Hillary Clinton? Egads, Bill Clinton would
become President. eeeeeeeek!!

Three new bonds were released today, the Quayle Bond, the Bush Bond, and
the Clinton Bond.
The Quayle Bond has no maturity.
The Bush Bond has no interest.
And the Clinton Bond has no principal.

During the 70's gas shortage I drove an old 1951 Chevy pickup that had a
defunct gas gage. The gas tank in those old trucks was a small 10
gallon job that was located behind the seat.
One morning on my way to work I got about two blocks from home and ran
out of gas. Knowing that I had filled up the day before I was extremely
ticked off at the fact that I had not only been ripped off but was now
going to be late for work. I got more gas, made it to work and back,
and the next day the same thing occurred.
Well, I filled up, went to work, and when I got home I disconnected the
gas tank filler hose at the tank and placed a 5 gallon bucket filled
with a mixture of gasoline and lots of sugar. The next morning, sure
enough, the bucket was empty! I went to work and on the way home bought
a locking gas cap.

A conservative and a liberal found themselves sharing the lodging of an
old fashioned boarding house (one where meals were included). At every
meal the liberal invariably made it to the table ahead of the
conservative and proceeded to grab the largest portion of food for
himself. When he could stand it no longer the conservative declared,
"You, sir, are the rudest and most selfish person I have ever met. It
is beyond my comprehension how you manage it but you always rush to the
dinner table ahead of everyone and take the largest portion. You should
be ashamed." The liberal, taken quite by surprise, pondered a moment
and then replied "Very well, but what would you do in my place?" The
conservative, filled with nobility retorted "Why, I would take the
smallest portion and leave the larger for another." At this the liberal
nodded and asked "Well, since you already got the smallest portion, what
are you complaining about?"

Q. How do you identify a Highway Dept. worker's kids on the playground?
A. They're the ones standing around watching the other kids play.

Q. Why are there so many "Andersons" in the phone book?
A. Because they all have phones.

Good supervision is the art of getting average people to do superior work.

The Lord gave us two ends - one to sit on and the other to think with.
Success depends on which one we use the most. ... Ann Landers

Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the
rain. ... Dolly Parton

My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those
who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be
in the first group; there was less competition there. ... Indira Gandhi

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit
the target.

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters
needs pounding.

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

"You don't have to explain something you never said" - Calvin Coolidge -

A man sees in the street two workers performing the following procedure:
The first one is digging a ditch, and the second one, a few feet( or
meters as I would probably say here ) behind is covering the ditch with
the sand that was just dug out. After watching them for a while he
could not resist his curiosity and he went to ask them what they are
doing and what was the goal in their work. "This is very simple,
mister" said one of the workers. "Usually we are a team of three : One
digs, the other puts communication cable into the ditch and the third
one covers it. Unfortunately, the guy who puts the cables into the ditch
is sick today , so we are doing the best we can."

Flea market products this week end......
1) George Bush wrist watch.........$19.95. Has no hands - must watch
the lips.
2) Ross Perot wrist watch..........$ 9.95. Some times it runs - some
times it quits.
3) Bill Clinton wrist watch........$ 2.95 +Tax +Tax +Tax +Tax......

Tommy Tucker took two strings and tied two turtles to two tall trees.
How many T's are there in that?
Answer: There are only two T's in "that."

How do you pronounce this word, s-o [pause] m-e-t [pause] m-e-s?
Answer: Sometimes.

True story: About a year ago I sent a fax letter to another part of
campus. Later in the day came a telephone call from a staff member in
the department. "You know," she said, "you sent this to the wrong
address. I'm sending it back to you." Which she did.

At a cocktail party, the lawyer was getting annoyed at the number of
people who kept asking for free advice. He asked his doctor friend if
he had the same problem.
"All the time," agreed the doctor.
"Well, don't you get tired of it? What do you do?"
"It's very simple, and I think it will work for you," said the doctor.
"When they ask for advice, just tell them to undress!"

The husband and wife were in the waiting room when the doctor came out
to see them. "And what seems to be the problem with your husband, Mrs.
Tailor?" asked the doctor.
"His problem seems to be that he's constantly worried about money."
"Ah, I think we can relieve him of that."

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to
recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very
expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred
dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little
money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very
good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room
in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. After the exam in his
best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more
easily this morning."
"I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."

If basket ball was never invented, where would they hold all the high
school dances?

UNDERSTANDING YOUR STUDENT

WHAT YOUR STUDENT SAYS WHAT YOUR STUDENT MEANS

Your course is too tough I haven't been doing my homework

Writing exams makes me nervous I haven't been doing my homework

You're always trying to show us I'm embarrassed because I'm not
how smart you are prepared again

I understand the overall concept I haven't got a clue about the
of this topic current topic

I would like to have had more time I didn't read it
to study the text

I have some concerns about the theory I hope this won't be on the exam
upon which this lecture is based

There are some aspects of the chapter I sure ain't gonna read that many
pages, so
I would like to hear more about maybe you could just go over the
highlights

Your lectures are not strongly You mean I have to come to lectures
enough linked to the text to get the notes?

Your lecture is an interesting I fell asleep in class
explanation of the text material

You've failed to discuss some of the What do you mean -- read on my own?
more important sections of the text

I would like you to explain... I don't know anything about this stuff

Do you have a minute to answer a Wanna listen to me whine for an hour?
question about the assignment?

The exam was unfair I didn't study

I need an extension I started this morning and just realized I
can't finish it in 3 hours

You're the worst teacher I ever had You make us work hard

The teacher I had last semester was He didn't make us work
much better

I'll never take another course I've failed out of school
from you again

"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
one has ever been. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt

"I've often thought the process of aging could be slowed down if it had
to go through Congress." -- President Bush, 1/28/92

A poor elf has been mute since birth. So, he communicates with his
friends by moving his hands and so on. Now, one day he finds a potion,
which he then drinks. His hands start moving faster and faster, until
he disappears. The moral of the story?
A mime is a terrible thing to haste.

Old Soviet joke:
At an international medical conference, an American, a Brit, and a
Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses. The
American said, "I can't stand it some time. We treat people for cancer,
and then they die of AIDS".
"I know what you mean." said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever,
and it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die".
"That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we
treat
people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."

"Who told you I was paranoid?! It was THEM, wasn't it?!"

There are these race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to
boast about his track record.
"In the last 15 races Ive won 8."
Another horse breaks in: "Well in the last 27 races, Ive won 19!!"
" Oh thats good, but in the last 36 races Ive one 28!", says another,
flicking his tail.
At this point they notice that greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening. "I don't mean to boast", says the greyhound "but in MY last
90 races Ive won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow", says one, after a hushed
silence,"A talking dog."

An old grandmother enters a Russian meatshop, barren shelves everywhere.
There are two men behind the desk, an old and a young. She goes to
the young one, and orders a beef.
-Sorry, says the young one, we dont have it today. Then she asks for a
t-bone-steak.
-Sorry again, we dont have that either. She asks for sausages.
Meatballs. Kidneys.
The shop has not of that today. She sighs, and leaves the meatshop.
After she has left, the young one laughs: -She must be totally senile,
to think we have such goods!
The old one nods slowly. - Yes.....but WHAT a memory!


A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge
in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy
and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says
"Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and
swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to
swallow."

Q:What did the acorn say when it grew up?
A:Geomtry

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a
criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call
him a defense lawyer.

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100.. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was
stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the
ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of
them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to
lock the safe!" The other partner replied, "What are you worried about?
We're both here."

Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the
ground. When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue. One
boy said, "The nut is mine, I saw it first." The other boy said, "The
nut is mine, I have it in my possession." They were just about to fight
when, luckily, along came a lawyer. The boys appealed to the lawyer to
adjudicate their dispute. The lawyer thanked the boys for the
opportunity and said, "I will settle your dispute this way. Because you
saw the nut first, I will give you this half. Because you had the nut
in your possession, I will give you this half. And, for my fee, I'll
keep the meat."

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the
court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You
are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best
legal
advice you can." After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You
asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as
hell, so I told him to split."

Want to fix the US economy? Make welfare as hard to get as a building
permit!

Q: what did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle?
A: WEEEEE!

Bill Clinton got off the Presidential helicopter with a little puppy
under his arm.
One of the Marine Guards said, "Nice puppy, Mr. President."
Clinton responded, "Thank you. I got him for Hillary."
"And a very good trade it was, sir," said the Marine Guard.

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the Children of Israel, 'Pick up
your shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will lead you to the
Promised Land.' Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, 'Lay down
your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel. This is the
Promised Land.'
Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal the shovels, kick your asses, raise
the price of Camels and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of
the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect
a generous contribution to this worthwhile project."


Clinton Stickers:
IMPEACH CLINTON (AND FIRE BILL TOO)
DON'T BLAME ME, I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HILLARY
CUT THE MILITARY BUDGET: FIRE THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF
DODGE THE DRAFT, COMMIT ADULTERY, GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE
IF CLINTON IS THE ANSWER, IT MUST BE A REALLY STUPID QUESTION
REMEMBER WHEN AMERICA HAD A REAL PRESIDENT?

Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who
can't add?

When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't
think they were all going to be tax collectors.

Lyrics to "I am Hillary Hear Me Roar"
I am Hillary, hear me roar
I'm more important than Al Gore
I could run this country if I had the chance
I've got an office down the hall
so Bill can't fool around at all
in this White House family, I wear the pants
Oh, yes, I'm his wife
But I'm in love with politics
Oh, yes, this is the life
I might run in ninety six
If I have to, I will say anything
I am strong
I'm un-divorceable
I am Hillary!
Oh, yes, this is the life
I might run in ninety six
If I have to, I will say anything
I am strong
I'm un-divorceable
I am Hillary!

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls
and looks like work. - Thomas Edison

"As my friends will tell you, I have an very good memory. It just
isn't very long." -- Keneth Iverson

Aphorisms:

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3.feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology
intro course

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the
radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and
years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the
worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets?

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Lieutenant: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
Sergeant: "Normal procedure, sir, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."

"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.

* Fernando Rivera, 28, was arrested in July in New York City after he
allegedly attempted to rob an elderly
woman in line at a bank. Police surmised that Rivera went to that bank
because he failed to acquire the $1,000 he had expected from robbing
another bank: He had left off a zero in the holdup note, and the teller
had dutifully given him only $100. [Manhattan Spirit, 7-22-93]

* Four people were arrested in Sacramento, Calif., in January after they
kidnaped a woman and threatened to
kill her unless she entered her bank and withdrew money for them while
they waited outside in a truck. Once
inside the bank, the woman merely notified the security guard, who
called police, who came and arrested the
men. [Sacramento Union, 1-23-93]

* Christopher White, 22, was arrested in Boothwyn, Pa., in July and
charged with burglary after police were
summoned to the offices of a housing development in the middle of the
night by a 911 operator. Police said
White had attempted to dial a 900-sex service from the office but had
inadvertently dialed 911, whose equipment automatically records the
number from the calling telephone. [[Warren Tribune-Chronicle, Jul93]]

* Toronto police in June were trying to trace a thumbprint they thought
would identify the person who burglarized the offices of Hayden
Communications. The burglar made off with $75, but while in the office
apparently took time out to play with Leslie Hayden's container of Silly
Putty, in which the thumbprint was left. [Globe and Mail, 6-24-93]

* The Syracuse Herald-Journal reported in January that its telephone
hotline, featuring excerpts of Presidential debates last fall, was
successful except for one glitch: Ross Perot's voice sometimes hit a
pitch that mimicked a certain telephone tone that automatically shut
down the system. [Editor & Publisher, 1-9-93]

* Albert Leroy Rozier was arrested in Yazoo City, Miss., in August,
after he and a colleague broke out of the county jail by stealing a gun
and overpowering a guard. Rozier was arrested the next day when he
stopped by the local unemployment office to pick up the check he had
been expecting just before he was originally arrested. [Baton Rouge
Saturday Advocate-AP, 8-7-93]

* Milton Byrd, 32, was arrested in August for the robbery of a Purity
Supreme supermarket in Boston when, one month and a day after the
robbery, he walked back into the store to apply for a job and was
recognized by
one of the employees. [Boston Globe, 8-21-93]

* David Richardson, 19, arrested in a Gadsden, Ala., convenience store
in August and charged with robbery,
told police that he had made no holdup demand and in fact was only there
to buy a few things. Police entered the store to find Richardson
standing in the back, having just put a pair of pantyhose over his face
and socks over his hands and carrying a butcher knife in his pocket. At
the first sign of the police, Richardson, still in pantyhose, grabbed an
item off the shelf and acted as if he were shopping. [Tuscaloosa News-N.
Y. Times, 8-19-93]

* A court in Trenton, N. J., ruled in June that James Huckfeldt would
have to pay for the legal defense of his two teenage sons because the
family is too well-off for public defenders. Huckfeldt's sons are
charged with trying to hire a hit man to kill him. [USA Today, 6-2-93]

* Bea Bernkrant and her husband filed a lawsuit in October against the
Radisson Suite Hotel in Boca Raton, Fla., accusing the hotel of
negligence in allowing the couple's personal towels, which they had
brought to the hotel, to be stolen from their room. [St. Petersburg
Times, 10-19-92]

* In August, police in Berkeley, Calif., investigating a robbery, got a
tip from a witness as to the license plate of the getaway car, which
turned out to be a rental car. They staked out the rental car agency,
and the next day, the robbers were arrested when they returned the car
to get their deposit back. [Daily Californian, 8-13-93]

* In July, Sacramento, Calif., police began a crackdown on the city's
homeless who were illegally camping out. Numerous citations were
written, but almost as fast as the citations came to court, the court
clerk--following
official procedures--voided them because they lacked home addresses for
the accused. [Sacramento Bee, 7-30-93]

* James Cramer, 25, and Rudolf Warren, 24, were arrested in August and
charged with four robberies of Buffalo, N. Y., banks. The pair came to
the attention of police when officers made a routine traffic stop of
Warren, who was alone and driving Cramer's car, and asked for his
registration papers. Warren reached into the glove compartment and
handed all the papers to the police, inadvertently including the holdup
note the two
had been using ("I have a gun. Put all the money in the envelope
quickly!"). [Buffalo News, 8-7-93]

* Francis Perlmutter, who had inadvertently confessed to murder in St.
Paul, Minn., in June when he left a message on an answering machine,
told reporters who were questioning him just after his arrest: "I don't
know what's going to happen now. This is my first murder." [St. Paul
Pioneer Press, 6-19-93]

* Christopher Howard, 25, was arrested in Haines City, Fla., in August
after police responded to his call reporting that a burglar was trying
to break into his house. When the officers arrived, Howard led them
around the house looking for the alleged burglar, but apparently forgot
that he had left on the dining room table a ceramic plate containing
cocaine, which the officers soon discovered. [Lakeland Ledger, 8-5-93]

* Reinero Torres, Jr., 53, twice this year successfully defended himself
in court in Sebring, Fla., first on a worthless-check charge and then
for assault. However, in August, on a third charge, for theft, for
which he also acted as his own lawyer, he lost. A jury convicted him of
having stolen, from the courthouse library, the books he had used in
preparing his defenses to the first two charges. [Tampa Tribune, Aug93]

* Leona Vanatta, 66, was charged with robbing the Trans World Bank, of
which she is a regular customer, in San Fernando, Calif., in September
She arrived at the bank expecting that her monthly Social Security funds
($242) had been direct-deposited; when informed that the funds were not
yet available, she pulled out a gun and said, "Now can I have my money?"
She took the $242, hopped on her bicycle, and started to pedal home but
was quickly apprehended. [San Jose Mercury News-L. A. Daily News, 9-6-93]

* A federal appeals court upheld the conviction of Rodney Hamrick in
June on mailbombing charges. Hamrick ultimately confessed to the crime,
but the first piece of evidence that led investigators to him was that
he had written his return address on the bomb package. [U.S. vs.
Hamrick, 995 F.2d 1267 [4th Cir. 1993]

* Timothy Ray Anderson filed a lawsuit against a McDonald's restaurant
in Milwaukee in May for injuries he suffered when a security guard shot
him in the stomach as he attempted a robbery. Wrote Anderson's lawyer
in the complaint, "The mere fact that you're holding up McDonald's with
a gun doesn't mean you give up your right to be protected from somebody
who wants to shoot you." [Milwaukee Journal, May93]

* Two men suspected of committing armed robberies, auto thefts, and
kidnapping in Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Tennessee had their photographs
nationally distributed by law enforcement agencies--and on the TV
program "America's Most Wanted"--after police in Clarksville, Ark.,
recovered snapshots the two had taken of themselves while visiting
Elvis's Graceland mansion and had left behind at the scene of one of
their crimes. [Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, 10-6-93]

RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their
business. Thus, this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead
of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no
longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't
want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into
his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to
plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of
the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant.
She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another
teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was
next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until
authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the
back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on
an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in
East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried
to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his
house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a
note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this
envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber
took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury
ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.
Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer
picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a
diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.
They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida
who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base.
They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in
the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs,
stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark
points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits
in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot
himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the
hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she
had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

There are 240 million people in America.
But 100 million are over 65.
And 90 million are under 21.
That leaves 50 million to do the work.
But 18 million are in the armed forces.
That leaves 32 million to do the work.
But 6 million are on welfare.
That leaves 26 million to do the work.
But 15 million work for the government.
That leaves 11 million to do the work.
But 10 million are in school.
That leaves 1 million to do the work.
But 750,000 are sick or disabled.
That leaves 250,000 to do the work.
But last week 249,998 people were in jail.
That leaves 2 people to do all the work,
and you don't do that much.
No wonder I'm so tired!

Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers,
having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious
qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that can be
read two ways.
He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous
Recommendations. Or ``LIAR'', for short.
Some examples from LIAR:
To describe a person who is totally inept: ``I most enthusiastically
recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.''
To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers: ``I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former
colleague of mine.''
To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be
better left unfilled: ``I can assure you that no person would be better
for the job.''
To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: ``I
would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment.''
To describe a person with lackluster credentials: ``All in all, I cannot
say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.''

Another political cartoon:
(caption across the top reads) "Famous Presidential Quotes"
(under picture of George Washington) "I can not tell a lie."
(under picture of FDR) "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
(under picture of Bill Clinton) "Your place or mine?"

STAR TREK: WHO’S ON FIRST?
Setting: A bunch of pallid, stiff-looking guys on a baseball field
wearing the
most ugly uniforms ever to grace the major leagues.
C: Who's on first?
A: No, Hugh was third of five.
C: Who's third?
A: Yes.
C: Wait, I asked who's third.
A: Yes.
C: So who's on third?
A: Yes.
C: All right, Why won't you tell me who's on third?
A: Hugh cannot tell, hugh is no longer part of the collective.
C: I know I'm not on the team! But who's on third?!?!
A: Yes, he was.
C: Okay, okay. Why not locate us the pitcher.
A: Locutus is no longer part of the collective.
C: Huh?
A: Yes, Hugh, too.
C: I KNOW I'm not on the team. Lord!
A: Lore has been deactivated. Lore disrupted the collective.
C: Okay, let me get this straight. Who's on third. Lord (your
manager?) has been deactivated, and you no longer have a pitcher because
someone isn't locating us?
A: Yes.
C: (FUME) I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!
A: Understanding is irrelevant. You will be assimilated.
C: But you said he was no longer on the team.
A: Hugh will be assimilated. It is inevitable.
C: Me? I don't want to be on your team.
A: Irrelevant. You will join the collective. Resistance is futile.

Are You a Guy? Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the
clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she
can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get
married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future
together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer”
c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guywould score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point
bonus
for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

DUMB MEN JOKES:

Q.) Why are all blond jokes one-liners?
A.) So men can understand them.

Q.) What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A.) Government bonds mature.

Q.) What?s a man?s idea of helping with thehousework?
A.) Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q.) What is the difference between ET and a man?
A.) ET phoned home.

Q.) Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than women?
A.) When it?s time to go back to his childhood he is already there.

Q.) What did God say after he created man?
A.) ?I can do better than this!?

Q.) How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A.) We cook/ they eat; we clean/ they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q.) What?s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A.) Put the remote control between his toes.

Q.) How do men exercise at the beach?
A.) By sucking in their stomachs every time theysee a bikini.

Q.) What does a man consider to be a 7 coursemeal?
A.) A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q.) How are men like noodles?
A.) They are always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.

Q.) Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A.) When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for
Directions.

Q.) What?s the difference between Big Foot and a mature man?
A.) Big Foot?s been sighted.

RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologicallyresponsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that
when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates
he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players
from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get
off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and
the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes
out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a
man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or
more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in
for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie
THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?
How's my car?"
22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...
he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to
call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him,
"Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
25. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-
heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with
Barbie.
26. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get
to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
28. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.

W E D D I N G A N D M A R R I A G E H U M O R
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
success. - Jim Backus
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a Philosopher...and that is a good thing
for any man. - Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.
. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.
. . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
. . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
. . . your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her
own business.
. . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and
there aren't any.
. . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes
out of your city.
. . . you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you
realize that you don't have a water bed.
. . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
. . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
. . . you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned
chocolate!

INSULTS:
(You are so stupid) you couldn't pour water out of a boot if the
instructions were written on the bottom of the heel.

When you and your momma had an argument, it was a battle of the
wits...Nit versus Dim. Then your dad joined, and it was Nit versus Dim
verses Half.

You remind me of opium, a slow working dope.

I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to animals.

When God was handing out brains, you must have been holding the door.

If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his butt and walk him backwards.

Wow! You're a legend in your own mind!

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

There's two things I really hate about you: your face!

You’re so ugly, when you were born the doctor slapped your mother.

You're so lazy, that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd go
to bed with it only half done.

Your so dull, you can't even cut a fart.

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the
convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering
majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of
engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started
laughing and snickering. Then, one of the engineers said "here comes
the conductor" and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom.
The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said
"tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors. He then went
to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the
engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and
then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The
math majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the
convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They
started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets
amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All
the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another
bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the
engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said
"ticket please."

THE RULES
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written
consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him
to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether
she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what
she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take
the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male
must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to
Rule #5.

GIRLSPEAK DICTIONARY:
She says English

You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly Is sex all you ever think about?
attentive tonight.
I'm not emotional! And I'm on my period.
I'm not overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going
to like..
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get get
used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence
against you.

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of
course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring,
thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I
am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance
whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was
most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his
wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead
of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,
"Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay
you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just
saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in
the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for
me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest
question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old
clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of
me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd
let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."


THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS
TRIED TO PUT THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS.
o Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
o The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention.
o I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my
head through it.
o I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
o A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.
o I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment.
o In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
o I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.
o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel
and had an accident.
o I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
o As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in
time to avoid the accident.
o To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
o My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
o An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat
found that I had a fractured skull.
o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.
o The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
roof of my car.
o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.
o I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out
of the way when I struck the front end.

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience
interviewing prospective employees:
∙ A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
∙ Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen tothe
interviewer and the music at the same time.
∙ Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
∙ Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
∙ Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the
interviewer.
∙ Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped
and kept in a closet in Mexico.
∙ Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few
minutes later wearing a headpiece.
∙ Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
∙ Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on
how to answer specific interview questions.
∙ Candidate brought large dog to interview.
∙ Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed
standing up.
∙ Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that
have been asked by job candidates:
∙ "What is it that you people do at this company?"
∙ "What is the company motto?"
∙ "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
∙ "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
∙ "Why do you want references?"
∙ "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
∙ "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
∙ "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
∙ "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
∙ "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
∙ "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
∙ "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
∙ "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
∙ "Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates
during the interview process.
∙ I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
∙ At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
∙ I feel uneasy indoors.
∙ Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
∙ Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
∙ I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
∙ I get excited very easily.
∙ Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
∙ I am fascinated by fire.
∙ I like tall women.
∙ Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
∙ People are always watching me.
∙ If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
∙ Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
∙ I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
∙ I never get hungry.
∙ I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
∙ If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
∙ I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
∙ My legs are really hairy.
∙ I think I'm going to throw-up.

Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree
with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students
have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the
population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then
forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get
our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until
it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply
religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and
up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the
winter.

1960s arithmetic test: "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount. What
is his profit?"
'70s new-math test: "A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set
(M) of money. The cardinality of Set M is 100. The Set C of production
costs contains 20 fewer points. What is the cardinality of Set P of
profits?"
'80s "dumbed down" version: "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of
lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and circle
the number 20."
'90s version: "An enlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100
trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you
feel about this as a way to make money. Topic for discussion: How did
the forest birds and squirrels feel?"

OXYMORONS:
"Anarchy rules!"
"Free with purchase"
"Happy Monday"
"One size fits all"
"Thank God I'm an Atheist"
"This page intentionally left blank"
A little big
Academic sorority
Accordion music
Accurate stereotype
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Aerobic exercise
Affirmative action, equal opportunity
Aging yuppie
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
American beer
American chop suey
American culture
American education
American English
American geographers
American history
American Honda
Americans
Apple tech support
Arms limitation
Art student
Artificial intelligence
Athletic scholarship
Australian spelling
Automated data processing
Back to the future
Bad health
Balding hair
Bankrupt millionaire
Better than new
Black light
Boring orgasm
Brave politician
British fashion
Budget deficit
Bug free code
Business ethics
Butthead
Cafeteria food
California culture
California expressway
Canadian culture
Casual intimacy
Catproof
Central Intelligence Agency
Centrally-planned economy
Cheerful pessimist
Childproof
Christian education
Christian militia
Christian Scientists
Church of Scientology
Civil engineer
Civil servant
Civil libertarian
Civil war
Classic rock & roll
Clean dirt
Clean hack
Clearly confused
Clearly misunderstood
Clinton leadership
Coca-Cola Foods
Coed fraternity/sorority
Collective liberty
College algebra
College education
Colored music
Committee schedule
Committee decision
Common sense
Communist Party
Completely unfinished
Compulsory volunteering
Computer science
Computer jock
Computer security
Congressional ethics
Congressional oversight
Conservative Democrat
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Construction worker
Convenience store
Cooperative multitasking
Corporate planning
Cost effective
Country music
Courtesy towing
Creation science
Curved line
Customer satisfaction
CNN style
Debugged program
Debutante ball
Decent lawyer
Definite maybe
Degradable plastic
Democratic Congress
Department of the Interior
Desktop publishing
Diet ice cream
Dining hall food
Disco music
Down escalator/elevator
Dress pants
Driving pleasure
Dry beer
Dry ice
Dry wine
DOS operating system
Economic reform
Electroshock therapy
English syntax
Enquiring minds
Environmentalist bumper sticker
Ergonomic keyboard
European Community
Evolutionary fact
Exact estimate
Executive decision
Express bus
Express mail
Fair reporting
Fair trial
Fallout shelter
Family entertainment
Fast food
Federal budget
Fighting for peace
Final version
First annual
First-strike defense
Flat-busted
Flexible freeze
Football scholarship
Forth programming language
Found missing
Free election
Free electron laser
Free love
Freezer burn
French culture
Fresh frozen
Friendly advice
Friendly competitor
Friendly fire
Full-length bikini
Full service
Functional manager
Funny clean joke
Fuzzy logic
Gay drill sergeant
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Good mother-in-law
Good Alan Rudolph film
Government aid/assistance
Government efficiency
Government organization
Graduate student
Great Britain
Guest host
Gunboat diplomacy
Half dead
Happily married
Hard disk
Hard water
Hazardous waste disposal
Helicopter flight
Higher education
Holy Roman Empire
Holy War
Honest crook
Honest politician
House Ethics Committee
Huge market niche
Human evolution
Indecent exposure
Industrial park
Institutional Revolutionary Party
Intelligent lifeforms
Internal Revenue Service
IBM compatible
Journalistic accuracy
Journalistic integrity
Jumbo shrimp
Just in Time (JIT)
Justice Rehnquist
Justice Thomas
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Kosher ham
Lace-up loafers
Lebanese government
Legal brief
Legal ethics
Legally drunk
Liberal Party (conservative)
Liberal, Kansas
Liquid crystal
Literal interpretation
Living dead
Long Island Expressway
Male compassion
Management science
Management support
Management action
Management style
Marketing strategy
Married life
Martial law
Math teacher
Mature student
McDonalds dinner
Medicaid payment
Medical ethics
Microsoft Works
Middle East peace process
Military intelligence
Militart justice
Military peace
Modified final judgement
Monopoly
Moral Majority
Mutual attraction
Mutually exclusive
New Classic
New Democrat
New Mexico
Nice cat
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-denominational church
Nonworking mother
Now, then
Nuclear defense
Objective parent
Oddly appropriate
OpenVMS
Operating system
Operation Rescue
Pacific Ocean
Paperless office
Partly pregnant
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace officer
PeaceMaker missile
People's Democratic Republic Of Yemen
Personal computer
Petty cash
Philosophy science
Plastic glasses
Pocket calculator
Police protection
Polite cabbie
Political leadership
Political science
Politically correct
Poor Republican
Pop art
Portable standard Lisp
Postal Service
Pot luck
Practical logic
Precision bombing
Presidential promises
Pretty ugly
Private e-mail
Productivity committee
Professional courtesy
Progressive Conservative
Proprietary standard
Psychiatric care
Public school education
Quality assurance
Quality service
Quebec intellectual
QuickBASIC
Quick fix
Quick reboot
R & D
Rap music
Rapid transit
Rare steak
Reagan memoirs
Real fantasy
Realistic schedule
Realtime computing
Reasonable female
Recently new
Reckless caution
Red Indians
Relativistic correction
Religious education
Religious fact
Religious tolerance
Religious science
Republican initiative
Resident alien
Responsible committee
Restrained grandparent
Rolling stop
Rush hour
Russian economy
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Satisfied Democrat
Saving price
Savings & loan
School food
Scottish Danish (actual pastry sold at 7-11)
Sedate sex
Semi truck
Semi-boneless ham
Senate Ethics Committee
Sensitive male
Severely/slightly killed
Silent scream
Small crowd
Smart bomb
Smart drugs
Social Security
Social science
Soft rock
Software documentation
Software engineering
Solid glass
Southern justice
Spare rib
Speed limit
Sports sedan
Stealth bomber
Straight hook
Student athlete
Student teacher
Summer school
Supporting documentation
Sweet sorrow
Swiss Steak
Synthetic natural gas
Tame cat
Taped live
Tax return
Television critic
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Terminal initialization
Tight slacks
Tone color
Total Quality Management (TQM)
True gossip
True story
Unbiased journalism
Unbiased news reports
Unbiased opinion
Unbiased predisposition
Uncontested divorce
Understanding banker
Understanding UNIX
Union workers
United States
University of Nevada at Las Vegas
UNIX security
Unsalted Saltines
User friendliness
User-friendly war
Vegetable beef soup
Ventura Freeway
Violent agreement
Virtual reality
Voting power
Waiting patiently
War games
War hero
Wilderness management
Windows NT (New Technology)
Wonder Bread
Woods Metal
Working vacation
Young Floridian
Yummy sushi
10K fun run

The following are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare
Department in applications for support
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven
but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two
years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been
visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now
living with can't do anything until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son
illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10
lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of
which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I
haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to
lead an immortal life.
13. You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any
difference?
14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works
night and day.
15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the
doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't
improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins
in the enclosed envelope.

They're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his
fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be
looking toward Heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the
guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops
just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as Divine
intervention and release the priest.
Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face
up, hoping he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade
of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly
stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly
raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says:
Hey, I see what the problem is...

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring thatshe will know your every mood and how to make
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be
the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and
your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his
face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN
1.You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
2.You consider a sixpack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
3.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
4.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
5.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
6.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling
the Highway Patrolman to kiss her ass.
7.You've used lard in bed.
8.The primary color of your car is Bondo.
9.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
10.Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
11.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have
thoseYosemite Sam mudflaps.
12.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
13.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
14.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
15.Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
16.You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
17.You have a rag for a gas cap.
18.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
19.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
20.You barbecue Spam on the grill.
21.You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time call . ."
22.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
23.Redman sends you a Christmas card.
24.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
25.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
26.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
27.You view your next family reunion as a good chance to meet girls.
28.You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
29.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
30.Your front porch falls in and kills more than three dogs.
31.You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
32.You call your boss "Dude".
33.You think a Volvo is a part of a woman's anatomy.
34.You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
35.You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
36.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
37.Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an
opening on the lube rack.
38.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
39.After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN:
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before
applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl
go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine
cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

Maybe we could.

Subject: Definitions Of A Bachelor
One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
One who can forget his mistakes.
One who can get into bed from either side.
One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife
interrupt.
One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
One who cheated some woman out of divorce alimony.
One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
One who failed to embrace his opportunities.
One who is a free male.
One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
One who knows all the ankles.
One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip
on him.
One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a
leash.
One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
One who looks, but does not leap.
One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
One who never makes the same mistake once.
One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
One who never Mrs. Anything.
One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur
outstanding.
One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
One who tries to avoid the issue.
One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
One who washes only one set of dishes.
One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out
than in.
One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
One who would rather change girls than change their names.
One who would rather cook his own goose.
One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.




I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "Pet Supplies". So
I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "Compact Cars" ...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium".

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.

Tom's mom had three children. The first was named May, the second was June.
What was the third child’s name?
Tom ... duh...

Bill bets Craig $100 that he can predict the score of the hockey game
before it starts. Craig agrees, but loses the bet. Why did Craig lose
the bet?
Every hockey game starts with a score of 0 - 0.

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing
was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual
though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find
anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do
so without any coaching!
A: The letter "e" doesn't appear anywhere, even thought it is the most
common letter in the English language.

Hi! Ma and Pa told me I'd better say that all the two-letter words in
this paragraph have something in common ...... or else! What's the
common factor here?
A: They’re all 2 letter abbrevations of states.


This one's a tuffy! There is a common English word that is seven letters
long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains a common
English word - from seven letters right on down to a single letter. What
is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after
removing a letter at a time?

Staring
String
Sting
Sing
Sin
In
I

What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left over?
Wholesome


FAMOUS LAST WORDS
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to
us." – Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the
1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management
professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight
delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the h*** wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M. Warner, Warner
Brothers, 1927

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper, on his decision to not take the leading
role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say
America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
– Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer
Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even
built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll
come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't
got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on
attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's
personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools." – 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert
Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just
have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of
weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the
"unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his
project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre
Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright.


Subject: Witticisms
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up really fast.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a of hand grenades... now THAT'S a
message!!
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits
on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal
probably enjoys a better diet than thirty percent of the people in this
world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"


Subject: Some new words...
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary... alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
10) Glibido: All talk and no action.
11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


PUNS OF THE WEAK:

President Bush admitted today that he is a friend of the electrical
industry. He said, “I owe them a lot and if it wasn't for the electrical
college, I wouldn't be president.” (Jay Leno)

Firestone will close its plant in Decatur, Illinois. Employee reactions
were a lot like the tires they make. Many fell apart. (Alan Ray)

We all recall the Normandy invasion. But few remember the practice
invasion which occurred a little to the west using primitive weapons.
These were used so that the exercise would be in complete silence. The
weapons were known as:
Brittany Spears (Stan Kegel)

Suppose you perches a cage for your bird but discover a cockatoo missing
and a few other mynah things wrong with it. Unfortunately you can't take
it back because you've lost the bill. Do you know what toucan do about it?
Reparrot yourself (By Gary Hallock)

How would you describe an oyster that will not give up its pearl?
Very shellfish (By David Bunch)

We know that Herbie the Love Bug was from Germany, but what insect comes
from Italy?
Rome ants (Romance) (Scott Ryan)

Because of their intense xenophobia of earthlings, the aliens would
leave their spaceships to do their shopping only in the late hours when
most of us are asleep. Luckily, they found a shopping center which was
open all night where they could purchase everything they required. The
story of these aliens and their shopping habits was immortalized in a
modern opera. What was that opera?
A Mall and The Night Visitors (Stan Kegel)

What might break out if a bunch of prowlers stumbled into poison ivy?
A rash of burglaries (By Gary Hallock)

What do you call a nun with a sex change?
A Trans Sister (Clynch Varnadore)

What is the name of the new product merchandised for closing small
lacerations at home without calling a doctor?
Suture self. (Stan Kegel)

OTHER RIDDLES:

Why can’t two elephants go swimming at the same time?
Because they have only one pair of trunks, (Danny Perry)

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can hunt knights (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)


DEFINITIONS:
Determination - Talking the boss out of firing you. (Ken Pinkham)
Anthrax: The thorax of a certain colonial insect (Gary Hallock)
Contract: Follow the prisoner (Phil Hudson)
Advice: Pick up a new bad habit (Jay Christie)
Tangent: man who has been in the sun. (Lexicon)
Catacomb: An implement for grooming felines. (Richard Lederer and James
Ertner)
Disbelief: How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is. (Jay
Christie)
Political: Scratching your parrot under his wing to make him laugh
uncontrolably. (Stan Kegel)
Jaywalking: Exercise that brings on that run–down feeling (Robert Meyers)
Taxi driver: someone who earns a living by driving customers away.
(Lexicon)
Catatonic: Your feline's favorite drink (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Console: Fileted fish served in prison. (Keith Martin)
Forfeit: What most animals stand on (Jay Christie)
Digress: Tinted artificial turf. (J. A. Mc.)
Slugfest: An escargot cook-off. (Lexicon)
Converse: Poetry written by prison inmates (Stan Kegel)
Countdown: What they would say about Dracula when he fell (Jay Christie)
Jailer: Man with a confining job (Robert Meyers)
Logarithm: Music in the forest. (Tim Bruening)
Testes: small quizzes. (Lexicon)


TOM SWIFTIES:

"I can't play the guitar because my fingers are too big", said Tom
fretfully. (Mark Israel)

“Surely, you’ll have fun on our temple’s vacation cruise. It’s the good
ship,” Loli popped in. (J. A. Mc & Stan Kegel.)

"You can buy one for just a thousand dollars," said Tom grandly (Gill
Krebs).

"I enjoy wearing my wife's clothes," Jack Benny said trying to be merry.
(Stan Kegel)

"I got the first three wrong", said Tom forthrightly. (Mark Israel)

"If that is how you think we should fix the transmission, then that is
how we will fix the transmission," said Tom differentially. (Jer Lynn)

"My employees are out on strike," Tom complained helplessly. (Stan Kegel)

"I gave her a peignor for Christmas," Tom said negligently (Stan Kegel)

"See how the reeds made him tan in just certain spots," Pharaoh's
daughter said mosaically. (Asa Sparks)

"That young insect is female", said Tom gallantly. (Mark Israel)

"I loaned the mime a pair of my trousers," Tom pantomimed. (Stan Kegel)

"Tomorrow, we'll cross the Red Sea," Moses said dividedly. (Asa Sparks)

BLOOPERS:

The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for
pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be
$1.50. (Richard Lederer)

Patient's past medical history is remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain over three days.(Marsha Coleman)

N. Y. newspaper ad: “Harry’s Fly is now open” (Should have read,
“Harry’s Fly, Bait and Tackle is now open”) (Page-A-Day)

On another occasion, she fell asleep while hemming her pants but awoke
the next morning to find her pants hemmed. The stitching quality was
poor, as if a two year-old had done it. (Marsha Coleman)

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else. (Syman Hirsch)

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead. (Frontier Healthcare Newsletter)

Political insiders call them wedge issues -- raw, emotional issues like
social security for Democrats and capital punishment for Republicans.
(Richard Lederer)

POETRY

There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene!
(Ken Kiger)

All grace defied her,
When she was sober. Her charm
Lurked deep in cider.
(John S. Crosbie)

A friend who's in liquor production
Owns a still of astounding construction.
The alcohol boils
Through old magnet coils;
She says that it's "proof by induction."
(David M. Smith)

DAILIES:

After the institution of the Euro Dollar do you suppose German's
sharpshooters now find themselves missing their Marks? (Gary Hallock/
Intl Save the Pun Fnd)

A balding man and his hair are soon parted. (Pun of the Day)

A number of years ago I went to a bar with some friends. After a few
brews I noticed a sign above the bar: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent
Condition. Make Offer" So I asked the bartender, "What's a Henway?" He
says, "Oh, about three to four pounds" (The Daily Groaner)

When the new glasses made him dizzy, he said he was “see” sick. (Jumble)

I didn't want to give the brain surgeon a piece of my mind. (Pun of the
Day)

You're so stupid, if you saw a sign that said "wet floor" you probably
would. (E4Fun)

A soldier who stuffed himself with ice cream was a desserter (Pun of the
Day)

What did the girl melon say when the boy melon proposed?
We're too young, we cantaloupe (The Daily Groaner)

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will' (Pun
of the Day)

When going around in the best circles, it is easy to become a big wheel.
(Jumble)

Seven days without a pun makes one weak (Pun of the Day)

A baker's job is a piece of cake. (Pun of the Day)

The peddler dressed well when he honed knives to look “sharp”. (Jumble)

In days of oil shortage, many homeowners revert to using coal, thus
recognizing that there's no fuel like an old fuel. (Very Punny)

An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a
power struggle (Pun of the Day)

COMICS

“Ernie, What’s your headline for those kids who splattered paint on the
Presley statue?” “Elvis spotted!” (Frank & Ernie: Bob Theves)

Two iguanas talking in the desert. One says, “There it is again. A
feeling that in a past life I was someone named Shirley MacLaine.”
(Nosextoons: Myke Ashley-Cooper)

Article about the mayor’s hobby of collecting honey from his beekeeping.
Headline: “Local Politican Has Sticky Fingers” (Frank & Ernie: Bob Thaves)

Frank & Ernie were the proprietors for a fine art and precious metals
auction. When asked how the auction went, Ernie said, "We sold
everything but the kitsch and zinc." (Frank and Ernie: Bob Thaves)

Clown jumping in front of weather chart: T. V. cameraman says, “He’s a
very spirited weatherman. He can really talk up a storm.” (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Article: Bureaucracy is delaying a structure to cross the river.
Headline: Red Tape Holds Up Bridge (Frank & Ernie: Bob Thaves)

ONE-LINERS:

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now (Douglas Helsel)

The student who said his bible had been run over by a steamroller was
stretching the truth. (Marsha Coleman) .

Marriage is not a word, it's a sentence. (George Bernard Shaw)

A suicidal blonde is one who dyed by her own hand. (Mike Avery)

FOR SALE OLD FORD TRACTOR Missing Steering Wheel. Perfect for someone
who doesn't know which way to turn (Joke-A-Day)

When I was a child my mother wanted to hire someone to take care of me
but the Mafia wanted too much. (William Brubant)

My husband wanted to renew our vows... I told him I don't want to make
the same mistake twice. (Renee from Napa)

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? (Harold
Clark)

Did you hear about the trail that is a rational, serial murderer? Yes,
the path: a logical killer (Kirk Miller)

California has its faults (P. C. Swanson)

Would the conception of right and wrong be nine months before the birth
of Able and Cain? (Stan Kegel)

I knew the canary was ready for lunch because he was going tweet. (Keith
Martin)

My friend, Dave Hester, is engaged to this woman named Polly. She will
become Polly Hester! (Pamela Mart)

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words. (Douglas Helsel)


A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters. (Henny
Youngman)

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to
carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
(Aiken Drum)

Blasphemy is a god-awful practice (Anthony Cacchillo).

This meat-and-cheese shop lacks the needed eastern flavor. You'll have
to build a New Delhi. (Big Pun)

I threw the frozen fish eggs against the wall and I could see all the
roe dents. (Keith Martin)

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
(J. Harman)

Contents may have settled out of court. (Renee from Napa)

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I
never knew my real ladder. (Craig Charles)

Bury a lawyer 12 feet under, because, deep down, they're nice people.
(P. C. Swanson)

Some people will see the light only when they feel the heat. (Renee from
Napa)

A woman's mind is cleaner than a mans. She changes it more often.
(Oliver Herford)

Moving statues? Go figure! (Adrian Bozzay)

The paraplegic salesman struggled to pedal his bicycles. (Big Pun)

The eight souls aboard the Ark had long days to pass and when Noah
wasn’t sitting on the deck, a bridge game was usually in progress.
(Frank Stewart)

LONGER PUNS:

"My insurance company paid me $2,000 because I fractured my arm and
couldn't work for six months. Then they paid me $3,000 because I
fractured my leg and couldn't walk for two months." "You always get all
the lucky breaks." (Becky Shiles)

Before leaving for the party, my wife cautioned me. “You have a geometry
for hitting on all my girl friends.” “You mean history,” I said. She
answered, “Don’t change the subject.” (Stan Kegel)

We wanted to eat dinner at an extremely busy restaurant, until we found
out that you must make an appointment to get a table. Now we have
reservations about eating there. (Kirk Miller)

Back in the days when slavery was still in vogue, Mrs. Plumpmore was
waiting at the dock when the latest shipment of crates of slaves arrived
to be sure that she got a crate of the larger and stronger ones. "I'm
sorry," said the captain when she approached him, "but for America all
men are crated equal!" (This reportedly is a pun often told by Dr.
Martin Luther King)

A man was hailed into court for dumping trash in a forbidden area. The
judge asked, "Didn't you see the sign posted there?” "Yes sir, I sure
did," replied the man. "It says real plain in big letters , 'FINE FOR
DUMPING'!’” (By W. R. Bozman)

One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune by Simon
and Garfunkel. When the song was finished, she asked me, "Well, did he?
"Did he what?" Her reply: "Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" (Eileen
Malloy)

I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours
long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the
stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, "What are
my choices?" And she said, "Yes or no." (Jokes4U)

All but two of the dancers were in costume early for the matinee
performance. At 1:55 the distressed director asked this pair of women
why they were not yet in costume. The first one said, "it may seem like
a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58." 'What about
you, the same thing?" he asked the other dancer. She replied, "Oh yes, I
have a two to two tutu, too! (George McClughan)

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a
hunting bow when he turned 12. On his birthday he unwrapped his gift box
revealing the long-sought-for bow. Yet Gordon was still disappointed.
"But dad, where are the arrows?" His cautious father replied, "I never
promised you arrows. Gordon." (Gary Hallock)

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty
junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and
said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Please forgive me,"
responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
(Firesong)

FOR THE CHILDREN:

What does a dog do that a man steps in?
Pants (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line. (Bernie Domanski)

Why does a dog walk around in two circles before lying down?
Because one good turn deserves another. (Richard Lederer and James
Ertner)

What did the moon say to the sun?
You sure make me shine. (Vivian, 10)

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up and tree and act like a nut! (Daily Groaner)

What did the dentist give the marching band??
A tuba toothpaste. (The Daily Groaner)

How did the bread feel when it was put in the toaster?
It was pretty burned up (Abraham, 10)

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon. (Lorraine A. Bellis)

Which skeleton won the beauty contest?
Nobody (Arturo, 8)

What do you call a sausage that has been stolen?
A missing link (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Name That Dog: A tobacco chewer does this frequently
Spitz (Owen Lorion)

Where do baby dogs sleep on camping trips?
In pup tents. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)


THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE:

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a
hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves.

6. Point to ponder: If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each
other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate Sings.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Question: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Answer: Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put "Eat Chocolate" at the top of your to-do list today. That way, at
least you'll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Isn't that handy?

12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer...But
if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

There's no calories - honest - when you simply READ about chocolate!! Now
get on your treadmill!!!


RUMINATIONS

The half-life of a Hollywood star coincides with their first acceptance
of a role which requires a shaven head. (LeMel Hebert-Williams)

Laugh and the world laughs with you, Slip and fall down a flight of
stairs, crash through a window into the street and get hit by a bus, and
the world laughs at you. (Stephen Heister)

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Well, are we talking
about the Macarena, or lap dancing? It makes a difference, you know.
(Caleb Ronsen)

I think unrequited love is the best kind, because you get all the
waiting, pining, longing, queasy stomach feelings without ruining it by
having to talk to the person, remember things about them, and apologize
after burning down their house. (Graham Alig)

If you're thinking about killing one of your co-workers, you might as
well kill a random bunch of them so you can get out of a messy
discrimination lawsuit. (James Floyd)

My vote for funniest name of a town is Babe Ridge. I'm not sure where
it is, but those San Francisco radio traffic reports talk about it all
the time. (Larry Hollister)

You really have to have planned *way* ahead for New Year's 2000. While
my friends are at some lame party, I'll be getting down with the Bee
Gees at Studio 54. (Bob Van Voris)

If the world was made entirely out of Jell-O, would you hope for an
earthquake? (Bobby Baldwin)

Even though it smelled just like tuna, the cat food salad sandwich was a
major disappointment. (Scot Sullivan)

I don't know about you, but if I go to summer camp and people start
dropping dead left and right, then I'm sure not gonna have sex with
Tommy Masterson in the old abandoned pool house. (Lindsay Acord)

If I die in a car accident, I hope there's a good song playing on the
radio. 'Cause I'd hate to spend eternity with "Mambo No. 5" running
through my head. (Colleen M. Morrow)

While looking at the huge McDonald's Cajun McChicken Sandwich sign in my
bedroom (the one I stole from the local McDonald's), I realized that
life wasn't about stealing and vandalizing major fast food corporations'
property, but about the small things, like family. (Rob Ahnemann)

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a plectopylidae, not a subulidinae!" And *that*, my
friends, is why an all-mollusk version of Star Trek will never work.
(J.P. Styskal)

Haiku is useless.
Nobody can make their point
In so damn few words. (Chris Walker)

Luckily, a clueless person's cluelessness protects them from the pain of
realizing that they are indeed clueless. (Christine Moyer)

Next time my cat sneaks up on me in a dark alley, sticks a gun in my
ribs, and takes off with my car, I'm going to have a little talk with
him about boundaries. And no more Fancy Feast. (Dakota Shepard)

If I were a millionaire, I'd buy $500 worth of pudding and then I'd roll
around in it until I was covered from head to toe, then I'd walk around
saying, "Ahrg, ahrg, I am the pudding monster!!" Only I bet the pudding
wouldn't stick very well, so I'd have dogs following me, eating the
stuff that drips off, so I guess I better not use chocolate pudding or
there would be a lot of sick dogs in my neighborhood. (Stephanie Allen)

When I talk to my dog, it seems like he can really understand me -- like
we're interacting on the same level, as if he were almost human. Then
he eats cat poop out of the litter box and screws up the whole
illusion. (Contessa)

If only I could develop a taste for snot, I'd be a much happier man this
time of the year. (Shawn Walker)

If you have a pimple on the end of your nose, don't tell your boyfriend
you feel like Rudolph, because that'll be your nickname for the rest of
the day. (Debbie Jackson)

Wouldn't it be terrible if a bunch of aliens came down to Earth and
inhaled its atmosphere and exhaled methane instead, then ate our
vegetation before turning into steaks and shoes and Italian sofas and
... No, wait. Those are cows. Never mind. (Nicki)

You know, grandparents are happy with the stupidest things: macaroni
picture-frames, Popsicle stick coasters, Play-Doh ashtrays. But just
mention a Guns 'n' Roses theme wedding and it's bye-bye, inheritance.
(Dakota Shepard)

Quoth the raven, "You talkin' to me?" (Jim Goldman)

Six of one, half a dozen of the other ... that's twelve, right? I'm
just saying, they seem to be making it twice as complicated as it needs
to be. (Jonathan Colan)

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I feel that way
after a bowl of chili. (Jamie Bronstad)

In this world of trouble, I sometimes wish I didn't know now the things
I didn't know when I was young. Then I realize, hey, maybe I already
don't! (Brian Jones)

Late to bed, late to rise.
Planning the early bird's demise. (Chuck Ivy)

When I hear someone say they give "110%" to whatever they're doing, it
makes me feel good inside -- because I know I'm not as big a moron as
that person is. (Jim Rosenberg)

It's not whether you win or lose -- it's the amount of money and
material possessions you have that you can use to make others feel
hopelessly inadequate. (Tom Sims)

Dan's Law: Anytime you catch yourself thinking, "Man, I can't believe
I'm getting paid while I'm doing this!", your boss is about to walk in.
(Dan Beavers)

When someone asks me why, as a Jew, I can't just celebrate Christmas
like everybody else, I tell them that according to my penis, I've got a
contract with God not to celebrate such things. And I ALWAYS listen to
my penis. (Jonathan Colan)

I sure wish my feminine side had breasts. (Lowell Larson)

Sometimes I just want to scream, "Get your hands off of me!! I was
going to pay for that! I was just holding it in my coat!" Friggin'
security guards. (Todd Loushine)

If you kill your boss, be sure to do it in a back alley, 'cause it's
pretty hard to dispose of a dead body in a 5x7 cubicle. (Brian
Cunningham)

Stupid people on the roads are the number one cause of my getting pissed
off on the way to work. (R.M. Wiener)

Sometimes I think I'd like to kidnap Mr. T. and tie him up in a sack in
the back of my car. But I drive a station wagon, so everyone would see
the big Mr. T.-shaped sack and I'd get in trouble. So I usually just
make some soup instead. (Dan Johnson)

If you're like me, you're not too concerned about this Y2K thing. Also,
you're sipping coffee in New Jersey as you type in a Rumination you want
to submit. (Matt Diamond)

I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as
scared of me as I am of them; they just show it differently. They show
it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by soiling myself.
(Dakota Shepard)

It doesn't depend whether the Top 5 List is good or bad, what matters is
that I'm not one of the contributors when it sucks. (Mark Schmidt)

Making little dolls from lollypops is fun, except they all look like
Calista Flockhart. (J. Tomato)

Next Earth Day, I think I'll plant a tree. Maybe then people will stop
thinking of me as the maniac with the chain saw who destroyed our
neighborhood park. (Dave Brennan)

Features in cars are getting too frivolous and stupid. For instance,
why would I want my cruise control to print my Resume? (Bob Roth)

When making a speech in front of lots of people, remember the only thing
you have to fear is fear itself. That, and electrocuting yourself if
you wet your pants. (Paul Paternoster)

Hey, Buddy -- we only have one sun, so how's about you turn off that
solar-powered calculator when you're not using it, okay? (Matt Diamond)

I'd like to send a picture of myself to some distant star, thousands of
light-years away, because by the time the aliens realize I'm mooning
them, I'll have been dead for centuries. (Jeffrey Lampert)

What would *really* be scary is if the new millennium started on Friday
the 13th. (Todd Loushine)

If I could only ask God one question, it would be Which came first, the
chicken or the egg? because, dammit, it's about time people learned the
truth! (Kirk Reuter)

Have you ever had one of those dreams involving your grandmother, a
colostomy bag, and a garden? Me, either, but just imagine the
possibilities! (Anderson Reggio)

Did you ever notice how many famous people whose name begins with "J"
are dead? John Kennedy, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Jimi
Hendrix, John Belushi ... it's truly frightening. But since my name
begins with "B", and getting this published is as close to famous as I'm
ever going to get, I figure I'm pretty safe. (Bill Strider)

If you ever find yourself about to become embroiled in a web of lies and
deceit, you should go for it, 'cause a chance like that may not come up
very often. (Fischer West)

After the meek inherit the earth, we should just kick their butts and
take it from them. (Jim Rosenberg)

I've been thinking about all my cool electronic gadgets, and how they've
never brought me real happiness. I guess it's because I don't have
enough of them. (Matt Diamond)

When I got arrested, they told me, "Anything you say will be held
against you." I said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs." (The Covert Comic)

A bird in the hand is worth nothing ... unless it happens to be a
Spotted Owl. Then I bet you could sell it to an animal rights group for
pretty tidy sum. (Michelle Argabrite)


Two blondes are walking one day when they see a purse lying on the ground.
They both wondered who it could belong to.

One of the blondes pulls a makeup compact out of the purse, opens it and
exclaims,"Hey, I know this lady!".

The other blonde says, "Here let me see that". She opens the compact and
replies, "Duh, it's me!"

Horror Movie Survival
Date: Sun, 09 Jan 2000 23:56:02 GMT
From: "G.P." <***@GP.Com>
Organization: TDS.NET Internet Services www.tds.net
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the
house.

When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO
NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is
in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it,
shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and
then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some
more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except
demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!

If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and
spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.

Don't look under the bed.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many
as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask
"What did you come back to do?"

If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be
prudent, leave the area.

If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not
found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If
you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do
not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their
own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long
run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate
them, so be prepared.)

When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone.
The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the
better "your" chance of escape.

Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the
area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before
someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in
your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any
circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt,
mausoleum, etc.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those
that appear that they would break easily.

If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify,
don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that
it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.

If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't
go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If
you are in a boat, head for shore.

If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.

Do not accept/take anything from the dead.

If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass
murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still
alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn
good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by
itself, stop playing and leave.

If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.

Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if
he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you
know what you are doing.

Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.

If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a
dead planet, don't stop to check it out.

Never put your back to or lean on a door.

Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

Never speak to clowns in sewers.

Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are
really supernatural beings.

If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip
and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look
back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being
killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the
way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of
you.

If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing,
biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked
resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous
goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them
as possible.

Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you.
Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average,
they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help
you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.

Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in
stock.

Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple
guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives,
flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles,
gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space
modulators.
If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark,
african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."

If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous
kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it,
don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with
thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out,
it will kill you and every living thing on earth.

If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house
immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is
no exit, make one.


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you."


IRLINE SAFETY
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 11:10:58 -0800
From: "FAY HARRIS" <***@ez2.net>
Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt
sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects
the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which one you love
more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and
in the event of an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this
flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day. During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."


When I Grow Up

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when
they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the
room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The
president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver."

Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was
sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy,
what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Possible" Tommy
replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "Mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I
get to be big, I want to be possible."


A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the question,
"Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was
1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the
apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the
entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a
fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor
thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a
beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

An honest seven-year-old told her parents that Billy Brown had
kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped
me catch him."

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asks.
Her mother replies, "Well, every time you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little
girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So how come ALL of
Grandma's hairs are white?"

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher
about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One
day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no
comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the
impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and
said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you
were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I
think Mommy ate it!"


New Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go
bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to
get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice,
sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly
decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site.
Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If
you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as
soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't
bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is
startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand,
he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he
hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley
of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to
see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously
distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just
let me get my saddle off it!"


A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a
large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3
flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I
think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're
waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"



A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice
"13...........13...........13.............13" the man looked over to the
hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets
poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned
'14.............14.........14.......14.'


The Speeder

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour,
when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked
back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She
shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there
were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes
later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without
batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought
I would make it."



A really huge, mean looking guy goes up to a department store counter
and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p- partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him. The man repeats himself:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk
doesn't answer him.
Finally, the guy gets angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why
wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get
b-b-b-beat up?!"


A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out
walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the
visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."


After years of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball
went to the circus owner and told him he was going to retire.
'But you can't!' shouted the cigar-chomping boss. 'Where am I
going to find a man of your caliber?'

As it turned out, the human cannonball who replaced him was
hired and fired the same night.


Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.


My Kids Have Taught Me.....
1. It's more fun to colour outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
3. Ask "why" until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything
except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your
nose.
14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
15. Making your bed is a waste of time.
16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
18. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the
way down.
19. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
20. If at first you don't succeed... Cry your eyes out


During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it
if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for
the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me
a much better offer."


Redneck Computer terms
Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2000 20:15:00 -0000
From: "Cerberus" <***@The.Gates.To.Hades>
Organization: Guarding The Gates To Hades
Newsgroups:
alt.humor,alt.jokes,alt.tasteless.humor,alt.tasteless.jokes,aus.jokes,eunet.jokes,rec.humor

"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard
stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuffed in your beer bottle in order to get
a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in "Hel Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or
girlfriend.

"bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across
the porch longways."

"digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

"Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires
and pulling a trailer load of fertiliser.



Once, while in Cambridge, My wife and I were walking
along when the music of some wonderful chimes from
a near-by Cathedral were playing.

I said, "Aren't those chimes beautiful ?" Receiving no
answer, I asked again.

My wife said, "I can't hear you. Those pesky bells
are making way too much noise."


The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be
delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the
mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned
the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that
mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?" "Don't be deceived by his looks,
Ma'am," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

Only in America ... do they use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the
shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes".
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".

Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally
turned to their kids. "Well, Ruthie, how are the kids?", asks Diane.
"To tell you the truth, my Tom has married a bitch! She doesn't get out
of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows
what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner
for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive
restaurant." "Hmm .. and how is your daughter?", Diane asks. "Ah! Jenny
has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her
enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out
to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."

The young lady strolled through Taronga Zoo and finally paused in front
of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals,
she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?" "They're all
back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the
mating season." "I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I
offered them some of these peanuts ?" Smiling the keeper responding,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would YOU?"

"My dog is worried about the economy because Chum now costs 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."


A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a
documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every
single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He
winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a
well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and
tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no
see Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what
you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than
corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher
Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.
Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive
197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for
126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever
see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit
creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where
creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross
mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass
through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get
through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach
big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk
due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a
couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking
state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't
reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high
and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious
dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after
three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky
mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time
and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he
finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from
completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said
and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment
through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they
finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running
low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves
and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives
feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and
tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too
late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for
me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold
more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher
Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to
civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to
miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite
willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in
order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the
start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets
bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles
and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but
halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce
storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to
cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be
suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such
savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of
the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their
journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling,
they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance
performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon
setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on
celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in
white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and
animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle
around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a
wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire
body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or
medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he
doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred
of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits
of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through
our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to
watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he
moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of
drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the
stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This
is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in
vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and
movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming
voice, starts to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You
butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"

A sad Bassett Hound was telling his troubles to his friend. "I'm
depressed. I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored and always
tired." "Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend. "Well, I
would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch."

A boy riding his bike knocked over an old lady. She wasn't hurt, only a
little shaken up and she was furious. "You rotten kid!", she yelled
dusting herself off, "Don't you know how to ride that thing?" "Yes," he
replied, "but I don't know how to ring the bell."

"Mom! John broke a window!" "How did that happen?" "I threw a rock at
him, and he ducked."

How to identify where a driver is from:

* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston

* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California. With gun in lap: L.A.

* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat: Italy

* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
brake, mind on game: Seattle

* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a
McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

* One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different
angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and
rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator,
poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid

handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in
passenger seat: Arkansas

* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level,
driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida
St. Peter was taking care of the Pearly Gates one day. As he looked
down the pathway, he saw Tommy (an All-star High School Football Player)
coming up the path. He told Tommy, "There's got to be some mistake, I
wasn't expecting you so soon. You're supposed to go to college, and play
in either the Rose Bowl or Cotton Bowl as the M.V.P." "From there you
would go into the pro's as a number one draft choice, what happened?"
"Graduation gift and my girlfriend," said Tommy. "I don't think I
understand said St. Peter." "Well Tina, my girlfriend and I were driving
around in my new Trans Am, that I received for graduation. That's when
she said, 'Tommy, be an angel and let me drive.' and like an idiot, I
let her!"

The huge college football rivalry in Texas is the annual big game
between the Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M Aggies. A few years back,
the Longhorns would win this game every year. The Aggie coaches called a
meeting after a particularly bad thrashing one year to figure out why
they couldn't beat the Longhorns. They decided to go straight to the
source and send one of their assistant coaches, Bubba, to Austin to find
the answer.
Bubba decided to go straight to the top, walked right onto the Longhorn
practice field and went directly to the Longhorn head coach and asked,
"Why do y'all beat the Aggies every year?"
Darrell, the Texas coach replied, "Well, it's 'cause Aggies are stupid.
Let me demonstrate..."
Darrell led Bubba to the brick building at the end of the field, held
his hand up against the wall, and said, "Hit my hand."
Bubba couldn't pass up this chance to do harm to the leader of the
Longhorns, so he cocked his fist way back and threw his hardest punch.
At the last moment, Darrell moved his hand out of the way and Bubba went
back to College Station with a broken hand.
The Aggie head coach was eager to learn what Bubba had found out in
Austin and asked him the next day during practice.
Bubba explained, "Well, we are losing every year because Aggies are
stupid. Let me demonstrate..."
He looked around the field, but couldn't see a brick wall, so he held
his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand."

The pro-football world was astounded when the New York Jets offered a
Senior at Ithaca College a starting position on next year's team. The
student negotiated his own contract: a million dollar deal --
$10,000/year for one hundred years.


A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked
over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play
since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is
ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The
player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks,
"Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on
coach, give him another chance!"

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won
tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football
game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent
opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large,
grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless
back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They
enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then
came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half
kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."


A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching
the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running
onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend,
"Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next
year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest
way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how
you said it, I accept!"



TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down,
On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like
Jabba The Hut?
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act theirs.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Assist the Police -- Beat yourself up!
* Vehicle secured by mafia: You hit our car, we hit your car.
* Nuke Unborn Gay Whales For Jesus!
* MEAN PEOPLE SUCK, NICE PEOPLE SWALLOW
* If Ignorance is Bliss, You Must Be Orgasmic...
* FUCK THE POOR! (on a Porsche)
* Don't steal, the Government hates competition.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
* Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
* All generalizations are false.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* "JESUS LOVES YOU! ...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!"
* Promote pork, run over a chicken! *
<--passing side suicide-->
* I brake for hallucinations.
* Yes, as a matter of fact, I do own the whole damn road!
* Honk if you understand punctuated equilibrium.
* Wanna get stoned? Drink Wet Cement!
* Thanks for not BREEDING!
* Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
* My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
* Don't Laugh - Your Daughter Might Be In Here. (On Old Truck)
* Cats Flattened While You Watch.
* I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.
* Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
* Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.
* Just say no to sexist Pro-Lifers.
* My Other Car is a Broom.
* "Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a MilkCarton"
* Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.
* Not All Men are Fools. Some are Bachelors.
* Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?
* Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor.
* Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
* Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
* Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.
* Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
* Disarm Rapists
* My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
* Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car.
* Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
* Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home
* Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.
* "Telling an Old Person He's Useless Is Abortion on the Other End"
* Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
* Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco
* Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]
* Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
* This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
* Black Holes Suck.
* Lobotomies for Republicans - It's the Law
* I Love My Country - But Fear My Government
* If you don't like the way I drive, get the fuck off the sidewalk.
* My honor student will be your kid's boss. And payback's a BITCH!
* My child was Inmate of the Month at County Jail
* Don't like my driving? Build your own highway!
* My daughter is student of the month at State Prison Fire Fighters School
* Would the last American leaving Miami please remember to bring the flag?
* Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop
* Happiness can't buy money
* If you're going to walk around, fine. But have your feet on somebody's
face while you're doing it
* Humanoids should always wrap their lunch in a road map
* Open your mind, not a bible
* THANK GOD ONLY ONE CAN WIN
* CAUTION - BLIND DRIVER
* Got a gun for my wife.........best trade I ever made
* If you think you can get into my house and confiscate my firearms, You
will be dead before you leave!
* Driver carries a .357 Magnum three days of the week- you guess which
three!
* If they outlaw guns, can we use swords?
* Warning: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition!
* Driver needs only $2.00 worth of ammunition per assailant, maximum
* Gun control is hitting what you shoot at
* gravity doesn't exists - earth sucks!
* I wonder if you could drive any better if that car phone was up your ass!
* Honk if you're overinsured
* Hope you don't screw like you park, you'd never get it in!
* If you parked any closer I'd need a can opener to get out!
* Don't change Dicks in the middle of a screw -- Vote for Nixon in '72
* Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT
* FEED THE HOMELESS, TO THE HUNGRY
* What a lovely day, now watch some bastard come and spoil it!
* It's not my driving, I'm trying to reload
* Don't drink and drive...you might hit a bump and spill your drink
* Guns don't kill people, Postal Workers do!
* Just because we are grown, it doen't mean playground rules aren't in
effect
* Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
* Fight crime ... shoot back.
* Jesus saves...by shopping wisely and using coupons
* Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
* Constant change is here to stay
* CAUTION: I drive like you do.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* I'm the guy your parents warned you about.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Most people make sense. I'm not one of them.
* I'm not a complete Idiot, some parts are missing.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
* Couldn't afford to fix my brakes, so I made my horn louder.
* Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Its not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.
* I'm too busy to insult you, but your humiliation is important. Please
hold.
* Of course I'm Drunk...Do I Look like a Bloody Stunt Driver?
* STOP GLOBAL WHINING
* drive safely: heaven's full
* Too close for missiles: Switching to guns.
* I love pigeons... I mean squab...
* Horn broken: Watch for finger.
* So many pedestrians, so little time.
* No radio, already stolen.
* You moved here to get away from high real estate prices, smog, and bad
traffic... Next time, try leaving it behind okay?
* Roses are red Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And so am I
* Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm
* I may be slow but at least I'm ahead of you!
* FIGHT for the RIGHTS of bacteria! - it's the only culture some people have
* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery
* My kid gave your honor student the answers to the final exam!
* People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
* Education is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance
* Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it
and remove all doubt.* What do you mean, caffeine isn't a vitamin?
* Of all the people I know, you're one of them.
* Remember, you are a completely unique and distinct individual, just
like everyone else.
* I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
* I've had a perfectly wonderful evening . . . but this wasn't it.
* Who wants to take over the world?!? Then you have to *run* it, which
is stressful, tedious and absolutely no fun.
* Powers? I don't need no stinking powers, I've got a plasma rifle!
* Disobedience was woman's original virtue.
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
* God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to hide the bodies of
those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
* It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other
people's funerals, they won't go to yours.
* I don't get even, I get odder.
* I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
* Dijon vu--the same mustard as before.
* Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
* Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* Personally, I'm not gifted, I'm weird.
* When in danger, When in doubt, Run in circles, Scream and shout.
* Be ridiculous.
* Roosters crow, hens deliver.
* So many books . . . So little time.
* And, lo, I say to you, it would be easier for a camel to pass thru the
eye of a needle if it was well greased first.
* Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.
* Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.* To err is human, to moo, bovine.
* Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes.
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you
a man who can't get his pants off!
* Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
* Being Politically Correct means Always Having to Say You're Sorry.
* Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
* THINK--it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
* Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
* If at first you don't succeed, to hell with it.
* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
* Don't you just hate rhetorical questions?
* Life is God's way of preserving meat.
* No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message.
* Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
* The only evidence against evolution are its opponents.
* If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
* Life takes its toll. Bring change.
* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
* Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
* The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.
* Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
* The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
* I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
* I don't live in fantasy; I only work there.
* Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
* Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought: "Where is
the ceiling?!"
* I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
* If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked.
* For all soldiers: Remember your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
* To err is human, to forgive is not company policy!
* My mind was never what it used to be.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?
* If those who know won't say, then those who don't know will say.
* He that hurts me, but does not kill me, had better have damn good life
insurance.
* Revenge is a dish best served with a side of obsession and a nice tall
glass of spite.
* Now Accepting Compliments
* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning
* I have not yet entered geezerdom, but I can see it from here
* A mind is a terrible thing not to mess with.
* A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
* Put on your seatbelt... I wanna try something.
* The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
* There's no future in time travel.
* Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
* Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
* Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
* A day without sunshine is like night.
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* If you can't convince them, confuse them.* Death is hereditary.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
* Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!
* Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
* Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
* Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
* MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."
* How does Teflon stick to the pan?* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* There's an exception to every rule, except this one.
* Back OFF - I Have PMS and a Handgun in the Glovebox
* We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
* Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.
* To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
* I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?
* You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me.
* Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
* If you're rich, I'm single.
* I'm Immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD... but I'm FUN.
* Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass
* (Written in really tiny writing) Nosey little bugger, aren't you?
* I do what the voices in my head tell me.
* In God we trust. All others we monitor.
* You! Out of the gene pool!
* If I promise to miss you, will you go away!
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
* If, a two letter word for futility
* I don't care, I don't have to.
* Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
* God must love stupid people, he made so many.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* I souport publik edekasion
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles.
* Guns don't kill people, I do!
* Life's a bitch. So am I.
* I still miss my Ex sometimes... But my aim is improving.
* I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
* I love cats, they taste just like chicken.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and for profit.
* Thank God I'm an Atheist
* God doesn't believe in Atheists.
* Cats the other white meat.
* Friends don't let friends drive naked.



Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went
straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went
straight
to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how
much
he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented
his
wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised
that
he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6
months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a
massive
hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into
tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the
worst
day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his
ankle.
Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you
come
home drunk!"

FUNNY ISN'T IT?

Funny how a $10 bill looks so big when you take it to church, but so small
when you take it to the market.

Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour, but how quickly a team
plays 60 minutes of basketball.

Funny how long are a couple of hours spent at church, but how short they
are when watching a movie.

Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have
difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.

Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra
innings, but
we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.

Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to
read 100 pages of a best selling novel.

Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or concert, but
scramble to get a back seat at church services.

Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a church event into
our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at the last
minute.

Funny how much difficulty some people have learning a simple gospel well
enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to
understand and repeat gossip about someone.

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible
says.

Funny, how everyone wants to go to heaven, provided they don't have to
believe, or to think, or to say, or to do anything.

Funny, isn't it? It's all in how you look at it.


Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "this horse is not dead."

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "no horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.


Employer Talk

Before you send in your resume in response to that Job Ad, read this...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll
wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it..

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine and you're fired.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5


Mary had a little lamb,
It hops and hops and hops,
It hopped into the butcher shop,
And ended up as chops...

Mary had a little lamb,
its fleece was white as snow.
Mary passed the butchers shop,
but the lamb went by too slow.

Mary had a little lamb
given hers to keep
it followed her around until
it died from lack of sleep

Mary had a little lamb
An intellectual nit
It never passed it's first exam
Because it couldn't sit

So Mary had her little lamb
With vegies and mint sauce
"Oh little lamb" she cried
"I'm as hungry as a horse."

Mary had a little pig,
she kept it fat and plastered;
and when the price of pork went up,
she shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
it vanished one sunny day.
It shuffled off this mortal coil
as chinese takeaway.

Mary had a boyfriend,
A handsome lad was he.
He gave her a lamb for christmas,
And they chopped it up for tea.

Mary Had A Little Lamb,
It Had A Touch Of Colic,
She Gave It Brandy Twice A Day,
And Now It's an Alcoholic!!

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was scarlet red.
The reason for this colour scheme
was the pick-axe in it's head.

Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a bear.
I've often seen her little lamb,
But I've never seen her bear.

Mary had a little lamb
A little pork, a little jam.
A little toast, a great big roast
An ice cream soda topped with fizz,
And boy, how sick our Mary is.

Hickory, dickory, dock.
The mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And the rest escaped with minor injuries.

Mary had a little lamb
Her daddy shot it dead
And now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
You've heard this one before.
But did you know she passed her plate
and had a little more?



Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked
anyway; that's my point.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably
just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how
to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means
something.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in
Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for
help," she could do it.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the
professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How
do you figure that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just
walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on
walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come
sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess
that's what I hated about him.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I
think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to
frighten the dogs.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch
a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think:
Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world
we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the
Invisible Scary Skeletons.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned
against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've
never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling
lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a
monorail.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see
that I forgot to put on my pants.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they
can't hypnotise you.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be
a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any
other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I
stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When
the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy,
did I have a lot to learn.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog. When
the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I
got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?"
When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should
make you feel that way.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know,
most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to
laugh. Girls are funny.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some
guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay,
is everybody ready to start now?"

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party,
do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of
the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and
yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd
work.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man
is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as
similar as you might think.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like
Bozo.

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in
still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always
be known as screw-boys.

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt
road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The
tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some
say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really
knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I
gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go
into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will
sometime, and I can watch.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he
does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a
"speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like
your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the
program!

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer
effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear
someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of
the reindeer effect."

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
got to be a better way.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived
through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was
finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favourite is the one about Eli Whitney
and the interchangeable parts.

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the
dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start
eating everybody. That Alien!

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado
got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would
always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they
would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky
brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high
rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and
not even feel it.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd
ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth
you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then
you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?"
you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't
stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the
courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're
making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and
start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and
the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up
about a hundred drumsticks, the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't
throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if
that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to
throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care
who hears me, because I am beautiful.

When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I
thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin
each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our
skin layers.

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man,
they're gone.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're
sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned
him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped
skin Bob."

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I
bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or
tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding
on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable---until I realised it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A
HUMAN HEAD!!

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him
Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave
Man, I guess I am a coward.

Blow ye winds / Like the trumpet blows; / But without that noise.

I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Most people don't realise that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make
a child look like a deer.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore
he picked up in town.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like
people to do what I say.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't
start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's
probably the first sign of jungle madness.

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with
an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over,
is like the top thing you can do.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but
he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes
you want to study the brain.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how
much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for
granted.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and
crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and
the kid could put it on and really scare you.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But
they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I
can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that
granted me all those wishes.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious
people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as
their mascot.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think,
"Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play,
just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your
life. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of
the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese?
They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

It makes me mad when people say I ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was
like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from
the first fight.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some
good ideas.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is, is a wounded
seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will
someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be
acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I
am now. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right
there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read
good books.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and
kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I
had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy
whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the
paint.

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck
in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on
water skis! How do they do that?!

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a
regular window.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him
it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and
take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage
guy.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It
has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the
equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary
one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I
thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me,
then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type
of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,
then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was
THAT?!" Deep Thoughts - Jack Handey

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
a magazine.

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are
going to have fun with this thing.

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch
your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me
a lot of money.''

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes
enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting
the vulture.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it
Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is
not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other
hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the
trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together
a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out
it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus and a clown killed my dad.

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog,
plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get
out of the way. Cars, too!

Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my
imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and
the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're
terrible!

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the
STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that
spins or changes colours.

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves.
And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both
Dracula AND Superman away.

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the
confusion and problems they've caused?

After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and
visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's
it going?"

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the
back and said, "Hey, good job."

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the
dirt and beg for it.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices
and just laugh at people. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to
have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy.
Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. I'd
like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish
out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and
the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary! I
wish I lived on a planet that had two suns - regular sun and "rogue"
sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say,
"Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have
is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know
what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then
suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for
yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly
Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who
had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But
think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm
afraid some people might actually think that.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.

One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you
ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone?
That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends
are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you
were swimming.

I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He
sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why
don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and
there on the ground were my parents having sex.

If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just
follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash
my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhoea.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of
the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're
talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you
laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or
something.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd
probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or
Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it
again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some
mayonnaise for me.

Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the
ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right
on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who
are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you
seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?"
Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one thing you would
constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I
start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am
NOT unwrapping him later."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves,
and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife,
that's all I have to say.

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it
necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a
lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out
you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my
raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every
week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY,"
but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by
eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an
eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring,
maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying
along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to
attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our
heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the
president. Then somehow I get myself elected president.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our
house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall
around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a
hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I
don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown,
because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too
much."

My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for
when you get bit by a rattlesnake.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in
the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you
didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or
cleaning the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that
guy?!

If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big
rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill
him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was
going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy
you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse
would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then
you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would get a good laugh.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would
really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch
the definition of "bag."

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction,
mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we
already have.

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought,
what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the
earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.

If you ever teach a yodelling class, probably the hardest thing is to
keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD
to that.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left
on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head
with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better,
and no harm done.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin
it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it
stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought
he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in
mid-air, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the
summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big
bag of blood. Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a
big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and
flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort
of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way
of letting off stress.

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in
my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck
cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!"
and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just
say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of
justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they
made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them
up for a free drink.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong
though. It's Hambone.

When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of
questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good
way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the
gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a
wall.

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would
be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get
together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't
ever call us "ants," because we hate that.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching
him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like. It's too bad that whole families have to be
torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my
lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it,
because do you hide from it or not?

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl
large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they
were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.
But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around
until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey,
I'm Vine Man."

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells
another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding it
in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are
peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away
to the insane asylum.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank"
and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so
is mankind. When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes
me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid
bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is,
and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I
think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long
personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw some
water in his face or something.

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would
really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are
you supposed to carry it?!

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a
speech in favour of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed
right off the stage. They're just not ready.

I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb
with a hammer.



The Steven Wright Collection, with a few strays.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When
you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just
takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh,
that's much better...
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of
the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
if I'm leaving.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a
real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over
and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up
all night?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't
get it...
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money?
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call
him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got
there.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in
Spanish.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift
Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad
luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went
down to the
end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there,
and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I can't stop thinking like this.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway
instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear
this rumbling noise go by.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".I
wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing
what I was doing.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying
to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to
the funeral in one car.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of
milkmen.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy. I have
a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale 1 mile =
1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of
the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all
the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit
the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me
are furious!
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes...
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With
Pail...Kitten On Fire.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. I
met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was
putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I
got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act
like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every
so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a
call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I
never have to go upstairs.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my
car goes 500 miles an hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The
weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why
haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new
phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said,
"I don't
know...my calendar has no sevens on it."
I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people
must be really tired.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another
sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made
myself
the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I used to be an
airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane.
They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find
tractors small enough to fit it.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't
park anywhere near the place.
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except
that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you
know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't
going to be out that long..."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then
I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship
that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights,
does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want
your job."
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice
until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24
hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at
me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said,
"Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
said, "ten-four."
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said,
"What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included. So I had to buy them again.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you
want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't
right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced
everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe
it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at
this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I
know you?"
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I
melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think
I might have written that."
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast
all over the world.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package
of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel
the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes
so later I can ask him what he meant.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark
until he was eight years old.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but
she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could
scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go
over there and write misspelled words on them.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what
he told me.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912...Well, to make a long story short...
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the
street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head.
I tell
them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in
the band."
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on
my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of
my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his
ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces
on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a
bridge...you can't hear him talk.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who
in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died. The other day when I was walking through the
woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of
people on a tree.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my
car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I
was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said,
"right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and
yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,
Barney...
The sun got confused about day
Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I
said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think
so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay
there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away.
Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same
hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at
the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so
far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you
catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in
a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I
was an only child...eventually.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole
third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the
shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I took
advantage of that knowledge.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for
five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Winny
and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to
cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty
good. He could go under a rug.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the
entire area was missing.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to
the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep,
you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are
closed? I'm like that all the time.



H U R R I C A N E S U R V I V A L Q U I Z

1. How are hurricane's names selected?
a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them

2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?
a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the
Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling West at
16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH leaves Key West
at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would they meet?
a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a
blowhard like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop and
ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West

4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see a
hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing that enters your mind?
a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills
c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!
e. The windshield

5. A hurricane is dangerous if...
a. you get in it's way
b. it's had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way

6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings

7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
a. Sell it - QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
d. Two words -- Duct tape

8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed to
be heading in your direction?
a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a road map, of another area, into the eye
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building

9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
d. Go on a picnic, to the beach

10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls

11. Where should you evacuate?
a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or one of
Florida's many mountain tops
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft

12. Why should you NOT stay close to the beach?
a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50' waves

13. If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not...

a. stare; it's impolite
b. make direct eye contact
c. offer it some Visine
d. ask if it's seen Dorthy and Toto

14. What happens after the eye passes?
a. Stay very still; maybe it didn't see you
b. It can't see you any more
c. You can expect a large nose, followed by the mouth, etc.
d. It winks and waves good-bye

15. What should you do first after a hurricane passes?
a. Locate your computer
b. Determine if your computer is operational
c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer
d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to your
computer

16. Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane?
a. Local government (also blown away)
b. State government (can't afford to help)
c. Federal government (doesn't care)
d. Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments)

17. What services should you expect to be without, after a hurricane?
a. Electricity (no cold beer)
b. Telephone (no modem)
c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!)
d. Callgirls (pray the rebuilding begins soon)

18. What happens a year after you're hit by a hurricane?
a. Still looking for pieces of your house
b. Still looking for pieces of your computer
c. Still looking for pieces of yourself
d. The government sees you've started rebuilding; concludes you
need no emergency help


WORKPLACE LINGO

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a"cube
farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the
walls to see what's going on.

TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were
just tourists."

TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe
ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within
earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB - Career Ending Behavior)

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM)

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini-sphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip
character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for
the fourth time this week."

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops
on everything, and then leaves.

SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming
upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located. "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device
_just right_ to get it to work again.



My friend The Big Pig in upstate New York has posted a pickled pickle
panic. "Pickles will kill you," he warns. "Pickles are associated with
all of the major tragedies of the body. Auto accidents are caused by
pickles. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and
consumption of this fruit of the cucumber family."
For example, he says:
"Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. 99% of all people who died
from cancer have eaten pickles. A large percentage of people involved
in auto accidents ate pickles within a year preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes were pickles are served
frequently."
He also points to the deleterious effects of long term pickle eating:
"Of the people born in 1839 who dined on pickles, there has been 100%
mortality. All pickle eaters born before 1900 have wrinkled skin, have
lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight -- if
the eating of pickles has not already caused their death." He adds:
"Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical
specialists. Rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for
thirty days have developed bulging abdomens and their appetites for
wholesome food were destroyed. As an antidote, he urges us to eat
orchid petal soup, saying that "Practically no one has had a problem
from eating orchid petal soup."
I would like to add a few comments of my own.
Peter Piper parlayed his penchant for picking a peck of pickled peppers
into his fame and fortune. But if in addition, Peter Piper had picked a
peck of pickled pickles instead of only a peck of pickled peppers, it
would have guaranteed a speech impediment described as stuttering.
Parenthetically, pandering to pickled pickles could cause pandemonium at
the New York Stock Exchange. It could also cause painful, pale pallor
and palpitations which have no palliatives, and paralysis of the tongue,
It could encourage partaking in paltry parodies of passionless, pathetic
prose and patronizing patter penetrating and poisoning otherwise
perceptive people with pink, peppery, pungent peptic ulcers,
persistently perplexing permissive persons who are pining for a pittance
of pithy pleasant palaver.
The Poor portly Big Pig is prone to pontificating about the benefits of
pompously behaving one's self, postulating that this praiseworthy
posture will positively enhance peaceful preservation of prodigious
principles, but I wonder if promoting these promises are presumptuous
propaganda.... caused by eating too many pickled pickles.



Mr. Witherspoon boarded a bus and managed to grab the last available
seat. He put his six-year-old son Johnny on his lap. At the next stop,
an attractive young woman boarded the bus and looked about vainly for a
seat. Mr. Witherspoon whispered into his son's ear, "Now, Johnny, be a
gentleman. Stand up and offer the young woman your seat."



QUOTES

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a
woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the
right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is
expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

You don't get even, you get odder.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; They would put
them down somewhere, and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman
gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Amazing, you just hang something in your closet for awhile, and it
shrinks two sizes.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.



George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary
with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel casino to register
at the front desk, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt became
very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so
rude to her."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you, dear. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it," insisted Harriet.
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked 'Bambi' to come
up to room 1217. When he hung up the phone, he said, "Now, Harriet, you
hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough so you can hear us."
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened the door and in
walked Bambi, her hips swirling provocatively.
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
"$125! I was thinking more like $25."
Bambi laughed, "You must be crazy if you think you can buy sex for that
price."
"Well," said George, as he walked he to the door, "I guess we can't do
business..."
As soon as she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and remarked, "I
just can't believe it! Never in a million years would I have believed
she was a hooker. But you were right, dear."
Later that evening, while George and Harriet sipped cocktails at the
hotel casino bar, Bambi appeared and approached the two of them. She
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 mister!"




Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards.

For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin
Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those
individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing
themselves from it.

GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he
tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each
end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.
Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a
bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored
the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, then jumped... and
hit the pavement! Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police
say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is
scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying
the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire
some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and
seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel
distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited,
producing a fireball seen for miles.

They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead
250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT A lawyer and two buddies
were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake.
Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our
friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his
buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion
style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say,
God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the
lightning strike with minor burns.

CATCH A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may
say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he
and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what
happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was
hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU Not much was given to me on this
unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a
gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less.
He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree
and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time
you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GIMME A LIGHT In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power,
etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked.

Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never
been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

RUNNER UP A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult
position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo)
with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went
overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated
the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way.

Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive
was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands,
and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino,
a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially
startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as
a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck
to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly
making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.

"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very
constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to
relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James
Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a
shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during
the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death.

As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove
his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and
calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take
hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of
rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the
same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess
you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was
under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air
passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a
solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't
think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while."

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed
with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children,
but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir
Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

(16 July 1999, Utah) A paraglider from Riverton turned into a
parasailor, and dropped into the Murdoch Canal near Lehi in Utah County
on Monday evening. Craig's parachute filled with water, and he was
unable to escape as he was dragged towards a siphon on the east side of
the canal, sucked under the I-15 freeway, and eventually pinned against
a grate 400 feet downstream. An employee found his body for the Provo
Water Users Association. Who knew that one of the dangers of paragliding
is drowning?

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained
from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than
his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while
expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic
miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which
he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him
plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a
blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the
way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(28 July 1999, Switzerland) An unusual sport called "body-canyoning"
claimed the lives of 19 people in Bern, with two more missing and
presumed dead. Practitioners of "body-canyoning" don life jackets and
leap into white-water rapids, swimming and climbing through narrow river
gorges in a race to go the farthest the fastest. Outfitting companies
in the Swiss Alps provide river guides for body-canyoning excursions. On
this day, the unfortunate daredevils were woefully underprepared for the
weather. A flash flood swept through the Saxteen River canyon, burying
them under mud and debris. The victims were from Britain, Australia, New
Zealand, South Africa and Switzerland.

(15 July 1999, Tennessee) Seven Chattanooga firefighters decided to
impress their Chief by surreptitiously setting fire to a house, then
heroically extinguishing the blaze. The men apparently hatched the plan
in order to help Daniel, a former firefighter, return to duty.
Unfortunately, Daniel's career plans were irreversibly snuffed when he
became trapped while pouring gasoline inside the house. Surrounded by
smoke and flames, he was unable to escape, and died inside the burning
house on June 26.

His six accomplices are facing 87 years in prison for conspiracy, arson,
and burglary.

One of our readers, Terry Boese, notes, "What makes me feel this is a
genuine candidate, is that not only did he kill himself with an act of
stupidity, but he is also no longer able to protect other would-be
pyromaniacs from Darwin Awards. Had he been successful in his attempt to
regain his position, he may have had a ripple effect in the gene pool."
Clarification: "The firefighters in question were not associated with
the Chattanooga Fire Department, but rather the Sequoyah Volunteer Fire
Department located in rural Hamilton County north of Chattanooga.
"Needless to say, the Chattanooga Fire Department has taken some
unjustified lumps as a result of an initial and misleading Associated
Press story."

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1) In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the
head, fracturing his skull.


2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors
of his house.

3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the
window was closed.

4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This
year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including
one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's
just one bull against a town of a thousand Morons."

SOME MORE ALSO RANS 1) Four people were injured in a string of
related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head
wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case
of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran
suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her
right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband
off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she
flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said
later "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would
see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However,
cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the
curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside,
Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash
of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's
gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers
from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of
the medical building.

2) TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after eating
three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to
draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum,
being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she
realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill
with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a
few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her
mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3) La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a
trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
dog and sat down right on the thing " The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had
opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire
episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to
find an answering machine in there".

4) TACOMA, WA -Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the
other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the
cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby
fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out
for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.

5) BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife,Emily, were
engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut
butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them
clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis
and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw
a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering
the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back,
tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in
the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her
wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler
"Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours
reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to
be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been
excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its
being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se
is minimal It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands
an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."
Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.



How many of these do you remember?

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Pea shooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!




WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old
females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are
still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym
class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, coloured stationary and
they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley
face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from
a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

RESTROOMS Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word
to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused
himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Stan, I was just
about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items
left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than
the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A
man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent
a U- Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But
if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: ...... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack
will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the
pocket calculators.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a
variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he
buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool.
They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A
woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days
later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out
$4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course,
women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room --
sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely
graphic and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license
plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless
lopsided benches in garages.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays.


THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE

* If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating
it too slowly.
* Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
* The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store
in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
* Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
* A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
* If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
* But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
* If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the
chocolate to protect themselves.
* If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is
that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
* Money talks. Chocolate sings.
* Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
* Q. Why is there no such organisation as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
* If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top
pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
* Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.


A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a
squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor,
defenseless creature i shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"


"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm
never going to stand in line again!"


How To Simulate Life In The Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of
the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump
it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray".

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay
$10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to
200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On
Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too
much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and
read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang
a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for
you to leave your house before 3pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board
up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6
months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family
through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next
day ­ you have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home
(i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15
minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off".

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3
times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your
brooms, clean sweepdown fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail)

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.

20.Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each
pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
and the Weather Channel.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in
the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch
and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it
"world travel".

27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead
bodies of your co-workers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors
have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone,and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under
attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters,
general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

31.Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking
the pantry and refrigerator

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an
hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out
of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they
don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

33.When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the
oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your
driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at
4-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to
Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls
around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact
that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it
will be another week before they can leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your
not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer
through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go
to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble
"Sorry, wrong rack"

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers,
make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking
chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a
supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your
living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a
paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your
neighborΓÇÖs car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the
garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up
and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top
button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the
backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back
together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under
it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard,
starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and
dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the
kitchen "stowed for sea"

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in.
Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of
yourstove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready"
Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in
particular "stove secured" Roll up your headphones and paper cup and
place them in a box.



Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash? A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? A. He broke his ankle
when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A. Anyone can
roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog? A. Right where you left him.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. They're trying to get away
from the noise.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro? A. Fill it with gas.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors? A. Because if it had four doors
it's be a chicken sedan.
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef.
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll? A. It comes with
all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar? A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What's a hindu? A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room? A. About two - if
they're thinly sliced.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have? A. Three - his left ear, his
right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping? A. He loved
it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A. Because they taste funny.


The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient
who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.


A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When
the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry,
sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't
budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned
and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a
few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with
no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the
situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."


A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the
boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He
asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
Father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father,
"How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my
asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn
anything!"


A knight and his men return to the castle after a long hard day of
battle. "How fare ye?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been defeating the soldiers and
burning the towns of your enemies in the west all day on your behalf."
"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't *have* any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."


A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to
her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes
shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon, "he says, "how
do you like your new phone?"
"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but
there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"


A woman calling a travel agency to make reservations said, "I want to go
from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York".
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally he asked, "Are you sure
that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what Flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a
Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"


Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided
to go to a party instead and they didn't get any studying done. When
they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car
had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a
bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have
another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night
until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to
class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms
to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the
building. As each sat down, they read the first question.
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of
cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, WHICH TIRE WAS IT?”



Subject: When i'm an old lady

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring
them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls
and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.
I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they
scold me, I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent
doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're
busy I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I
drop on the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance
whenever I wish.
I"ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've
mopped it, I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not
A tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy
new ones, I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and
just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of
dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....
just the way that they lived with me!


Subject: Women's compact instruction book

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was
spotless

You know he's lying if his lips are moving

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all
there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy
drinks

Never sleep with a man who's named his willy

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
unquestionably gay.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them
apart.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old
for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wondered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the
night'

Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.

Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have
bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practising.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him. 'You may be, you look
familiar'

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to
the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend'

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his
mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,
loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.


Subject: Things men want women to remember

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet
UP when you are done.

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer,
and Red.

3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine
bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins
deserving your contempt.

5. Shopping is not fascinating.

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only
joking.

7. Unless the answer is yes.

8. In which case, can he videotape it?

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking a**holes.

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or
tending the grill.

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room
is not funny.

12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada.

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (e.g.,
microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly
the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon her infant when
it.walks for the first time.

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

15. He heard you the first time.

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out, too. Let's spread the rejection around a
little.

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want
answers to.

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

19. Dogs good. Cats bad.

20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through
"Showgirls."

22. "Fine!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he
stop for directions.

24. He was not looking at that other girl.

25. Well, okay... maybe a little.

26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked
at another guy.

27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you
have ever met.

28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

29. Your [select appropriate item: butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs] look fine.
As.a matter of fact, it/they look d*mned good. Stop asking.

30. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

31. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your period with him.

32. Remember: That Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in
the shower.

33. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine,
looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash
it, do not try to disrupt piles organised in this manner.

34. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you.
Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than he
is. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people,
love the one you're with.

35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly
thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

36. Don't hog the covers.

37. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the
halftime show to act upon that.

38. He does not just want to be friends.

39. Just because this list doesn't have as many entries as yours doesn't
mean it's any less important.


Subject: Re: A few words from the visionary Steven Wright

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in
private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.


RUMINATIONS

Laugh and the world laughs with you, Slip and fall down a flight of
stairs, crash through a window into the street and get hit by a bus, and
the world laughs at you. (Stephen Heister)

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Well, are we talking
about the Macarena, or lap dancing? It makes a difference, you know.
(Caleb Ronsen)

I think unrequited love is the best kind, because you get all the
waiting, pining, longing, queasy stomach feelings without ruining it by
having to talk to the person, remember things about them, and apologize
after burning down their house. (Graham Alig)

If you're thinking about killing one of your co-workers, you might as
well kill a random bunch of them so you can get out of a messy
discrimination lawsuit. (James Floyd)

My vote for funniest name of a town is Babe Ridge. I'm not sure where
it is, but those San Francisco radio traffic reports talk about it all
the time. (Larry Hollister)

You really have to have planned *way* ahead for New Year's 2000. While
my friends are at some lame party, I'll be getting down with the Bee
Gees at Studio 54. (Bob Van Voris)

If the world was made entirely out of Jell-O, would you hope for an
earthquake? (Bobby Baldwin)

Even though it smelled just like tuna, the cat food salad sandwich was a
major disappointment. (Scot Sullivan)

I don't know about you, but if I go to summer camp and people start
dropping dead left and right, then I'm sure not gonna have sex with
Tommy Masterson in the old abandoned pool house. (Lindsay Acord)

If I die in a car accident, I hope there's a good song playing on the
radio. 'Cause I'd hate to spend eternity with "Mambo No. 5" running
through my head. (Colleen M. Morrow)

While looking at the huge McDonald's Cajun McChicken Sandwich sign in my
bedroom (the one I stole from the local McDonald's), I realized that
life wasn't about stealing and vandalizing major fast food corporations'
property, but about the small things, like family. (Rob Ahnemann)

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a plectopylidae, not a subulidinae!" And *that*, my
friends, is why an all-mollusk version of Star Trek will never work.
(J.P. Styskal)

Haiku is useless.
Nobody can make their point
In so damn few words. (Chris Walker)

Luckily, a clueless person's cluelessness protects them from the pain of
realizing that they are indeed clueless. (Christine Moyer)

Next time my cat sneaks up on me in a dark alley, sticks a gun in my
ribs, and takes off with my car, I'm going to have a little talk with
him about boundaries. And no more Fancy Feast. (Dakota Shepard)

If I were a millionaire, I'd buy $500 worth of pudding and then I'd roll
around in it until I was covered from head to toe, then I'd walk around
saying, "Ahrg, ahrg, I am the pudding monster!!" Only I bet the pudding
wouldn't stick very well, so I'd have dogs following me, eating the
stuff that drips off, so I guess I better not use chocolate pudding or
there would be a lot of sick dogs in my neighborhood. (Stephanie Allen)

When I talk to my dog, it seems like he can really understand me -- like
we're interacting on the same level, as if he were almost human. Then
he eats cat poop out of the litter box and screws up the whole
illusion. (Contessa)

If only I could develop a taste for snot, I'd be a much happier man this
time of the year. (Shawn Walker)

If you have a pimple on the end of your nose, don't tell your boyfriend
you feel like Rudolph, because that'll be your nickname for the rest of
the day. (Debbie Jackson)

Wouldn't it be terrible if a bunch of aliens came down to Earth and
inhaled its atmosphere and exhaled methane instead, then ate our
vegetation before turning into steaks and shoes and Italian sofas and
... No, wait. Those are cows. Never mind. (Nicki)

You know, grandparents are happy with the stupidest things: macaroni
picture-frames, Popsicle stick coasters, Play-Doh ashtrays. But just
mention a Guns 'n' Roses theme wedding and it's bye-bye, inheritance.
(Dakota Shepard)

Quoth the raven, "You talkin' to me?" (Jim Goldman)

Six of one, half a dozen of the other ... that's twelve, right? I'm
just saying, they seem to be making it twice as complicated as it needs
to be. (Jonathan Colan)

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I feel that way
after a bowl of chili. (Jamie Bronstad)

In this world of trouble, I sometimes wish I didn't know now the things
I didn't know when I was young. Then I realize, hey, maybe I already
don't! (Brian Jones)

Late to bed, late to rise.
Planning the early bird's demise. (Chuck Ivy)

When I hear someone say they give "110%" to whatever they're doing, it
makes me feel good inside -- because I know I'm not as big a moron as
that person is. (Jim Rosenberg)

It's not whether you win or lose -- it's the amount of money and
material possessions you have that you can use to make others feel
hopelessly inadequate. (Tom Sims)

Dan's Law: Anytime you catch yourself thinking, "Man, I can't believe
I'm getting paid while I'm doing this!", your boss is about to walk in.
(Dan Beavers)

When someone asks me why, as a Jew, I can't just celebrate Christmas
like everybody else, I tell them that according to my penis, I've got a
contract with God not to celebrate such things. And I ALWAYS listen to
my penis. (Jonathan Colan)

I sure wish my feminine side had breasts. (Lowell Larson)

Sometimes I just want to scream, "Get your hands off of me!! I was
going to pay for that! I was just holding it in my coat!" Friggin'
security guards. (Todd Loushine)

If you kill your boss, be sure to do it in a back alley, 'cause it's
pretty hard to dispose of a dead body in a 5x7 cubicle. (Brian
Cunningham)

Stupid people on the roads are the number one cause of my getting pissed
off on the way to work. (R.M. Wiener)

Sometimes I think I'd like to kidnap Mr. T. and tie him up in a sack in
the back of my car. But I drive a station wagon, so everyone would see
the big Mr. T.-shaped sack and I'd get in trouble. So I usually just
make some soup instead. (Dan Johnson)

If you're like me, you're not too concerned about this Y2K thing. Also,
you're sipping coffee in New Jersey as you type in a Rumination you want
to submit. (Matt Diamond)

I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as
scared of me as I am of them; they just show it differently. They show
it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by soiling myself.
(Dakota Shepard)

It doesn't depend whether the Top 5 List is good or bad, what matters is
that I'm not one of the contributors when it sucks. (Mark Schmidt)

Making little dolls from lollypops is fun, except they all look like
Calista Flockhart. (J. Tomato)

Next Earth Day, I think I'll plant a tree. Maybe then people will stop
thinking of me as the maniac with the chain saw who destroyed our
neighborhood park. (Dave Brennan)

Features in cars are getting too frivolous and stupid. For instance,
why would I want my cruise control to print my Resume? (Bob Roth)

When making a speech in front of lots of people, remember the only thing
you have to fear is fear itself. That, and electrocuting yourself if
you wet your pants. (Paul Paternoster)

Hey, Buddy -- we only have one sun, so how's about you turn off that
solar-powered calculator when you're not using it, okay? (Matt Diamond)

I'd like to send a picture of myself to some distant star, thousands of
light-years away, because by the time the aliens realize I'm mooning
them, I'll have been dead for centuries. (Jeffrey Lampert)

What would *really* be scary is if the new millennium started on Friday
the 13th. (Todd Loushine)

If I could only ask God one question, it would be Which came first, the
chicken or the egg? because, dammit, it's about time people learned the
truth! (Kirk Reuter)

Have you ever had one of those dreams involving your grandmother, a
colostomy bag, and a garden? Me, either, but just imagine the
possibilities! (Anderson Reggio)

Did you ever notice how many famous people whose name begins with "J"
are dead? John Kennedy, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Jimi
Hendrix, John Belushi ... it's truly frightening. But since my name
begins with "B", and getting this published is as close to famous as I'm
ever going to get, I figure I'm pretty safe. (Bill Strider)

If you ever find yourself about to become embroiled in a web of lies and
deceit, you should go for it, 'cause a chance like that may not come up
very often. (Fischer West)

After the meek inherit the earth, we should just kick their butts and
take it from them. (Jim Rosenberg)

I've been thinking about all my cool electronic gadgets, and how they've
never brought me real happiness. I guess it's because I don't have
enough of them. (Matt Diamond)

When I got arrested, they told me, "Anything you say will be held
against you." I said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs." (The Covert Comic)

A bird in the hand is worth nothing ... unless it happens to be a
Spotted Owl. Then I bet you could sell it to an animal rights group for
pretty tidy sum. (Michelle Argabrite)

Subject: Man and woman....

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.


Things NOT to say to the nice police officer


I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's
nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car
around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my
lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to
speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

Whatever you do, don't search my trunk

What exactly is "legally drunk"?

So, what's a good bribe go for around here?

Do you know where I can buy a good radar detector?

If you think this car's fast wait until you see my corvette!

Can you just put that ticket in the large box in the back seat with the
reast of my tickets?

Boy I'm surprised your hear dunkin doughnuts is having a 3 for 1 sale

Can you hurry up your wife is expecting me

Can you hurry up the liquor store closes in five min.

No I don't know how fast I was going the speed gage stops at 110.

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

Some more jokes.



[Humor: Ethnic Jokes, Mexican Jokes, Irish Jokes, Russian
Jokes, English Jokes Chinese Jokes, Italian Jokes, French Jokes,
Scottish Jokes pixel.gif - 0.04 K]



Q. How does every ethnic joke start?


A. By looking over your shoulder.



Q. How is a (insert target group here) joke like
premature ejaculation?


A. You know it's coming and you can't do a damn thing to
stop it.



Q. What goes, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG,
clip-clop, clip-clop?"


A. An Amish drive-by shooting



Q. What is "Miami Math?"


A. "TWO plus DOS equal FOE".



Q. A black and a Puerto Rican are in the same car, who's
driving?


A. The Policeman



Q. Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?


A. Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949.



Q. Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts?


A. Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can.



Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages?


A. Bi-lingual.


Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?


A. Tri-lingual.


Q. What do you call someone who speaks only one language?


A. An American.



Q. What's brown and full of holes?


A. Swiss shit!



Q. Why don't Italians have freckles?


A. They all slide off.



Q. How do you brainwash an Italian?


A. Give him an enema.



Q. What language do the Vatican Police speak?


A. Pig Latin!



Q. What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?


A. Sicily.



Q. Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?


A. "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em"



Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot?


A. Do you think they could fit all that shit in a tennis
shoe?



Q. How does an Italian count his goats?


A. He just counts the legs, and divides by four.



Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian
rifles for sale?


A. "Never fired, and only dropped once."



Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?


A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.



Q. Why is Italian bread so long?


A. So they can dip it into the sewer.



Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?


A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.



Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?


A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters.



Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?


A. Usually through the skylight.



Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?


A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.



Q. What does FIAT stand for?


A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.



Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?


A guy who makes you an offer you can t understand.



Q. How do you kill an Italian?


A. Smash the toilet seat on the back of his head when he
is getting a drink.



Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?


A. The least hairy of the three.



Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?


A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the
oil.?



Q. Why do Puerto Ricans throw their trash away in clear
plastic bags?


A. So Italians can go window shopping.



Q. What s an innuendo?


A. An Italian suppository.



Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?


A. So they can look like their mothers.



Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?


A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To
NY (Tony) on their foreheads.



Q. How do you make an Italian?


A. Put a black in one hand, a Jew in the other, and slam
them together. WOP!!



Q. Who won the Belgian beauty contest?


A. Nobody.



Q. What's the difference between an Arab and a terrorist?


A. An Arab would have kept the wheelchair.



Q. Why don't Arabs ever get hemorrhoids?


A. Because they are such perfect assholes!



Q. What do Arabs do on a Saturday night?


A. Sit under palm trees and eat their dates.



Q. What's worse than being hijacked by the PLO?


A. Being rescued by the Egyptians.



Q. Why can't you circumcise Libyans?


A. Because there's no end to those pricks.



Q. What happened to the Iranian that tried to blow up
the bus?


A. He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.



Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex
education on the same day in Iraq?


A. They don't want to wear out the camel.



Q. Why did they outlaw bingo in Iraq?


A. Because everyone scrambled for cover anytime they
called B-1



Q. Whay does saddam Hussein & Little Bo Peep have in common?


A. They both have Kurds in their whey (way)



Q: How do you break a Pole's finger?


A: Punch him in the nose.



Q. Why did the Pole buy his wife a wig?


A. He heard that she was getting balled at the office.



Q. Did you hear about the Polish man who can't spell?


A. Every pay-day he spends all night at a warehouse.



Q. If a Polack and a Mexican fall off the top of a tall
building, who hits the ground first?


A. The Polack, because the Mexican stopped to spray his
name on the wall


A. The Mexican, because the Polack got lost


A. WHO CARES?



Q. Why are the affairs of French men so discreet?


A. Pigs can't talk.



Q. What's the difference between a frenchwoman and a
werewolf?


A. The frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the
werewolf smells better.



Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?


A. So the Germans could march in the shade.



Q. Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris ?


A. Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't
even finished colouring in the second one !



Q. What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one
arm and a goat under the other?


A. bisexual



Q. What is a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?


A. Erection day!



Q. Did you know that 85% of all Japanese men have Cataracts?


A. The rest drive Rincolns and Chevlorets.



Q. Which one doesn't belong:


A shrimp, a lobster, a salmon, or a Japanese with a
piano on top of him?


A. The salmon. All the rest are crustaceans.



Q. What do you call a fat Chinaman?


A. A chunk.



Q. Why donÆt they use phone books in China?


A. Because they are afraid to WING the WONG numbers.



Q. How do chineese people get their names?


A. they throw pots and pans down the stairs



Q. Why do all chinese people live in Harrow ?


A. Because when they come out of the airport they say,
"Harrow mister taxi driver"



Q. Have you heard about the new Vietnamese cookbook?


A. It's called 101 ways to wok your dog



Q. How do you know when your house has been robbed by an
oriental gang member?


A. The dog is missing and your homework is done.



Q. how come the new Hyundai car is named the "accent?"


A. Haven't you heald the way the little koleean men talk???



Q. What do Orientals use Dental Floss for?


A. Blindfolds.



Q. What is African roulette?


A. That's 6 African women that give you blow jobs; but
one is a cannibal.



Q. Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a
crocodile pit?


A. He ate three before they could pull him out.



Q. Why, in America, is two-day-old sour cream considered
spoiled, while in Russia even two-week-old sour cream is still
considered good?


A. What is two weeks for Russia, with its magnificent
history of some many centuries?



Q. What is the hottest item in Russian department stores?


A. Underwear labeled: January, February, March, April .
. . .



Q. What's two miles long and vegetarian?


A. A meat queue in Moscow!!



Q. British General addressing Australian troops: Did you
come here to die?


A. No mate, we came here yester-die.



Q. Whats the great Australian dream


A. Every Pommy swimming out of Sydney Harbour with a New
Zealander under each arm.



Q: Why did the Australians do so badly in the rugby
world cup??


A: To many sheepless nights!!



Q. Why do Aussies come so quick?


A. They can't wait to get down to the pub and tell their
mates about it.



Q. Why does the Swede hate washing windows?


A. It takes so long to dig down the ladder...



Q. How do you sink a Swedish submarine?


A. Swim down, and knock on the "door"...



Q. How do you sink it again?


A. Knock again, and the captain'll come out and say: "We
won't fall for THAT again..."



Q. How do you sink ANOTHER sub.?


A. you can't... they don't have another one...



Q. What do you call a dozen Greek women in a sauna?


A. Gorilla's in the mist.



Q. What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away
from home?


A. A virgin.



Q. How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age?


A. Tell him a joke when he's young.



*Q. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?


A. The sheep can hear zippers!



*Q. Why do Scotsmen screw sheep against the edge of a cliff?


A. They push back harder.



Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and
a Scotsman?


A. The Stones sing, "Hey you get off of my cloud" while
a Scotsman says


"Hey McCloud... Get off of me ewe!"





Çε╠



Newfies. The people waiting for Quebec to secede so
it'll take them a lot less time to get to Toronto.



Heard about the Newfie who went Ice Fishing. Brought
home 100 lbs, but his wife drowned frying it up.



Newfie went to college in Ontario and wrote his mom that
he'd grown another foot. She sent him a sock.





Used Car Classifieds Translations



The slave driver of the Roman galleon leered down at his
galley slaves and bellowed, "I've got some good news and some bad news.



The good news is that you'll be getting double rations
tonight!"


The murmuring of the surprised slaves as they struggled
with their oars was interrupted by the slave driver. "The bad news is
that this afternoon the


commander's son wants to water-ski."









And Jesus said to the Mexicans "Don't do anything until
I get back."





1



A woman, while touring a small South American country
was shown a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one
sport." The horrified woman said,


"Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "that's
our number two sport."





tients, jokes, Humor (pixel.gif - 0.04 K) nior



A lady gets on a bus in Boston and sits down in front of
two Italian men. She overhears the following:


"Emma come first, then I come. Two assa comma together.
I come again. Two assa comma together


again. I pee twice. I come again."


The woman turns around and says indignantly:


"In our country we don't talk about our sex lives in
public!"


"Ah, lady," says the man. "I'ma just learnin' to spell
'Mississippi'".





case, we'd better run it through



Italian Tires....Dago through rain. Dago through snow,
but when dago flat


dago wop wop wop.





en he added, "I've had some strange side



Two Italians are standing on the coast of Italy after
WWII watching a German


submarine go by. The first Italian asks, "hey, is data u
boat?". The other


replies, "no, I'ma watcha justa like you".









At an auction a man walks by a table and see the Italian
selling many things plus a beautiful horse.



The buyer asks, "Hey do you want to sell me your horse?"



The Italian says, "I woulda sella youa it butta it noa
looka so good.



The other answers, "Sure, he looks fine to me. How much
do you want for it?"



I tella youa he noa looka so good.



I'll give you $500.



I canna not sella it toa youa. He noa looka so good.



The man raises his offer to $1,000.



Finally the Italian says, "O.K."



The buyer gets on the horse gallops off and the horse
hits a tree.



The buyer angrily tells the other, "You S.O.B. you sold
me a blind horse."



The Italian answers, "I tella youa he noa looka so good!!!





nsImplicitID118



A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar,
telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked
into the restroom to sprinkle


the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy
came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you
telling all those Polish jokes!"



So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just
against anyone in Poland." "My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and
pulls out a razor. Boy was I


scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had
found a place to plug it in!









Two Polish friends decide to do a bit of fishing one
afternoon, so they


rent a boat and cruise out into the middle of a
beautiful lake where they


don't usually have much luck. However, this particular
day, they catch


the limit.



One friend says to the other, "Listen, we need to mark
this spot for


tomorrow. Let's carve a notch on the side of the boat
right here, where


we've been casting our lines."



To which the other replies, "Oh you idiot, that won't
work. Suppose they


give us a different boat tomorrow?"





n't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied,
"that's our numbe[Hruler04.gif - 0.34 K]



During WWII, the Nazis were having some trouble with the
Polish, as


hard as you may find that to believe. It seems that, on
the lines, it


never failed that one of the Polish troops would yell
out, "Hey Hans,


you there?", and that one of the Nazi troops
(coincidentally named


Hans) would stand up with a big smile and yell back,
"Ya, I am here!"


and be shot down, Bang!



Well, as you can imagine, the Nazi High Command found
this to be


insufferable, and worked to find a way to prove that
they, the Aryan


army, were superior to these simple Polish farm-folk.
The plan they


formulated involved using the same tactics that the
Polish had used.


So, they gathered some of their crack troops, and
prepared them to put


this method into action.



The next day, as dawn broke, the Nazi forces were in
high spirits,


knowing that their foes were about to receive their
comeuppance. As


the battlefield grew light, the first Nazi officer
selected to have


the honor ( They drew straws the night before ), yelled
out with all


his might, "Hey Yanosh, you there?". Silence hung over
the scorched


earth for several seconds before the reply was heard,
"Ya, I am here.


That you Hans?". "Ya!" said the officer, as he stood up.
Bang!





-



Overheard in a Gestapo interrogation room:



"Vot iss your name?" SLAP! SLAP!



"For ze second time, vot iss your name?" SLAP! SLAP!



"Do you know what happens to prisoners who vill not
answer my questions? Now, for ze third und final time, VOT ISS YOUR
NAME?!?!?!?" SLAP! SLAP!



"Vy, every time I ask your name, do you schlap me?"





nsImplicitID375



"Ve haf too many men in this prison camp. Each
nationality vill elect one person to answer questions. If he iss unable
to do so correctly, all prisoners of


zat nationality vill be exterminated. Now, Englander,
vot iss the greatest warship in der Feuhrer's navy?"



"The Bismarck."



"Correct! American, how many in its crew?"



"687"



"Correct! Now, you Polish schwein, vott are their names,
addresses und telephone numbers?"





idth=598 height=15 border=0 align=middle>



A chabermaid in a Moscow hotel came upon a tourist
watering flowers in his hotel room.


"Please don't water the flowers," she implored, "the
microphone will rust."





he was destiny's child. Later, as the sun was



Two workers at a factory were deeply engrossed in a game
of cards. Strewn on an overturned crate that was their table was a large
pile of rubles.



A supervisor came by and noticed the goings on.
"Comrades, if you must gamble, why don't you play for matches?" he lectured.



"Matches?" replied one in surprise, "are you kidding?
The stakes would be too high!"









A friend visited the home of a Russian cosmonaut and
found only the children there. "Where are your parents?" the guest
inquired, "Will they be home soon?"



"Father is on a space flight," they replied. "He'll be
home soon. But Mother went to the store to buy butter. We don't expect
her for some time."





pped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36." Jo[Hruler04.gif - 0.34 K]



Two Russian military strategists were discussing tactics
to use if war occurred.


"If there is war," said one, "we will have agents carry
nuclear bombs concealed in suitcases to all the capitals of the Western
world; New York, Washington,


London, Paris, Bonn..."


"That's an excellent idea, Comrade General," replied his
companion.


"We certainly have enough bombs for that. But where are
we going to get all those suitcases?"





Report Form



A Party delegation was visiting a school to see how the
indoctrination of children was progressing.



"Tell me, Ivan," asked a commissar, "Who is your father?"



"My father is the all-powerful Soviet Union."



"Very good. Now, my little comrade," the commissar said,
"Who is your mother?"



"My mother is the ever-present Communist Party," replied
the pupil.



"Excellent, Ivan, Excellent!" praised the commissar.
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"



"An orphan."





Q. Why are the affairs of French men so discreet?



A Moscovite was shopping for a new car. After weeks of
looking, he found the car of his dreams. During final negotiations, he
asked when he could pick it up.


The dealer told him that he could come and get it
promptly on September 5, at 9:00 AM....in the year 2006. This upset the
man a lot, which he mentioned to


the dealer. The dealer told him that 10 years wasn't
that long of a wait for a car in Moscow. The customer replied that the
year 2006 wasn't the problem; it


was September 5 at 9AM. "That's when the plumber is
scheduled to arrive."





15 border=0 align=middle>



Trying to borrow money from the World Bank, the Soviet
finance minister was asked what he could put up for collateral. "Well,"
he said, "we have countless


deposits of oil and minerals such as gold and silver."
"Those are all underground," the agent replied. "What do you have
aboveground?" Inflating his chest,


the minister said, "We have superb Russian leaders."
Unimpressed, the bank representative said, "You can have your loan, Mr.
Minister, when the two assets


trade places."









Mikhail Gorbachev woke up one morning feeling great. He
walked to his window, saw the sun coming up and crowed, "Good morning,
sun!" As he turned away, he


was startled to hear a great, booming voice say, "Good
morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the great Union of Soviet
Socialist Republics." Gorbachev


quickly woke Raisa and his closest aides, took them to
the window and said, "Good morning, Comrade sun." Again the voice
boomed, "Good morning, Comrade. Good


morning to you and to the rest of the glorious party."
Gorbachev sat down to his day's work, convinced he was destiny's child.
Later, as the sun was setting,


he walked to the window and said, "Good evening to you,
Comrade sun." When no response came, he repeated the salutation again
and again, growing increasingly


impatient with the silence. "Sun! I'm talking to you!"
he suddenly screamed. "Forget you! the voice thundered back. "I'm in the
West now!"









The Russian teacher was questioning her young pupils
about capitalism and communism. "What is the goal of United States?" she
asked young Caterina. The girl


replied, "The capitalists are trying to find work for
the millions whom their system of government has left unemployed, and
shelter for the hundreds of


thousands who are starving and homeless." "Now, Nikita,"
the teacher said, "what is the goal of Soviet Union?" Nikita replied,
"To catch up with U.S.A."









A commissar on a visit to a collective farm was giving a
speech on the ever-growing prosperity in the Soviet Union. "Comrade
lecturer," interrupted Ivan


Ivanovich from the rear," what you say is very
interesting, but can you tell us where all the meat has disappeared?"
The audience started muttering and the


commissar ended the session. The next day, he returned
to finish his speech. An unidentified voice from the rear inquired,
"Comrade lecturer, I'm not


interested in asking where all the meat has gone, but
can you tell us what happened to Ivanovich?"









A Soviet citizen who was visiting the West was besieged
by many questions from people wanting to know more about communism.



"You mean to tell me," asked a curious host, "that by
being a communist you share everything?"


"Yes," came the reply.


"You mean if you had two houses, you would give me one?"


"Of course."


"And if you had two cars, you would give me one?"


"Certainly"


"And if you had two stoves, or TVs, or refrigerators,
you would give me one of each?"


"Naturally"


"And if you had two shirts, would you give me on


e?"


"No!" replied the communist emphatically. "Why not?"



"Because I _have_ two shirts!"









A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow
one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.



"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.



"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.



"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".



Well, as these things go, they were about to have a
major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they
saw a minor communist party


official walking toward them.



"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask
Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".



As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us,
Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?".



"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.



But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"



The man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"!









A train is moving and suddenly stops 'cause there are no
tracks in front.


What would each of the former Soviet leaders do:



Lenin would get everyone to get out of the train and
work 200 hrs straight


until they figure something out.



Stalin would order everyone if 1st car shot and everyone
else shot


unless they get the train moving by next morning.



Khrustchev -- take the tracks behind apart, put them in
front.



Brezhnev -- shut the windows and order to rock the cars


to make an impression of movement.



Gorbachev --do nothing but everyone can get outside and
yell real


loud "we ain't got the rails and not even any food in
the restaurant car"



Yeltsin -- have the army attack the Russian parliament
and hope everyone


forgets about the damn train incident.









A rich oil sheikh was visiting the White House to
discuss the oil trade with political bigwigs. His personal servant was
attending to the sheikhÆs every


need, as was customary and expected.



The sheikh, never having tasted salted peanuts before,
took an instant liking to them, and began munching them like you
wouldn't believe. Naturally, the salt


made the sheikh thirsty, and he called to his servant to
get him some water. His servant left< the room and came back with a
glass of nice, cold water.



Munching some more on the peanuts, the sheikh got
thirsty again, and called to his servant to get him another glass of
water. The servant immediately


complied with his master's wishes, and returned in a
jiffy with another glass of water.



Really taken by the peanuts, the sheikh virtually
stuffed himself on them, and got a healthy thirst to match. He called to
his servant to get him some more


water, and off the servant went. This time, he came back
empty-handed. The servant apologised profusely, and begged his master's
forgiveness.



Furious, the sheikh yelled and screamed at his servant,
"You son of a flea-infested camel, why can't you bring me my water?!?"
"But Master", begged the


servant, "I cannot bring you your water because a white
man sits on the well..."









(Note: this one is best told with a German accent in the
appropriate places.)



During World War II, an American Fighter pilot was shot
down over Germany


and taken to a POW camp. Regrettably, his injuries were
so severe that


his left leg had to be amputated.



The pilot spoke to the Kommandant of the camp, saying,
"I have a


request. I would like my leg dropped over Allied
territory during your


next bombing run. I don't want it buried on German soil."



The Kommandant thought for a moment, then said "Yes, you
are a brave


pilot, this ve vill do for you."



A short while later, the other leg, having developed
gangrene, also had


to be removed. The pilot made the same request to the
Kommandant, who


agreed once again to drop his limb over Allied territory.



Another week went by, and the pilot's left arm, also
having been injured,


was amputated. The pilot asked if his arm might be
dropped into Allied


territory.



The Kommandant said, "No! This ve vill no longer do for
you!"



"But why not?" asked the pilot.



The Kommandant replied, "Ve think you are trying to escape!"









Three chirugeons, a American a Russian and a Austrian,
were meeting on an international congress. The American starts proudly:
"Once we've found a guy who


chopped off his fingers. We took his fingers and put
them back on his hand. That guy's now best piano-player in America!!"



The Russian replies: " Pah, that's nothink. In olt
Russia wi fund a kuy with haked of leks. Wi kot hem bak toketer, ant now
hi's te pest runnner in olt


Russia!!"



After a short pause the austrian chirug says : " That
all sux. We found a guy who fell into a shredder. Only his ears were
left. we took the ears and


attached them onto a PIG!! Nowadays the guy's bishop of
St. Poelten "


(Lower Austria[that's in Europe {for those of you who
don't know that}]).





wer Austria[that's in Europe {for those of you who
don't know th[Hruler04.gif - 0.34 K]



Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down
the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer
towards dusk, the increasing


darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a
little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You
know, I've never come this way


before."



The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."









Two Welsh women were overheard talking in a
Croes-Y-Ceilog bus Queue:



Woman 1 "Have you heard, Megan Hughes is getting married."


Woman 2 "Getting married? I didn't even know she was
pregnant."


Woman 1 "Megan's not pregnant."


Woman 2 "Not pregnant and still getting married! There's
posh for you."





wer Austria[that's in Europe {for those of you who
don't know th[Hruler04.gif - 0.34 K]



There was this bloke standing on the top of the WDA
building in Cardiff, and by all accounts he was going to jump!



The rescue team got to him and tried to find out what
his problem was.



"I come from a small village in Powys" he explained, "my
name is Dai Jones" "So what's the problem" asked the negotiator.



"About twenty years ago I saved a young boy from
drowning but they didn't call me Jones the Lifesaver. Later that year I
put out a fire that was threatening


a stable, they didn't call me Jones the Firefighter. The
next year I wrote an award-winning novel, they didn't call me Jones the
Author, and then I made a


film, but they didn't call me Jones the Director. Since
then I've been a baker and a butcher, but I'm not Jones the Baker or
Jones the Butcher, I've made


shoes and fished in the Atlantic, but I'm not Jones the
Cobbler or Jones the Fisherman...



... but I shag one bloody sheep....!!!"









Defintion of a welshman is a isrishman that could swim.









A Scotsman won the lottery....yet had a very long face.
When asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think of the dollar I
wasted on the second


ticket."









A Scotsman complained to a magazine that if they didn't
stop printing Scottish jokes, he wouldn't borrow their magazine to read
anymore.









A young man was touring Scotland. He stopped in a local
store and spied a kilt that he absolutely had to have. After haggling
with the shopkeeper for an


extended period of time, they arrived at a mutually
agreed price...far below that which was posted. The fellow took out his
velcro wallet and proceeded to


open it. At this point the shopkeeper exclaimed, "Ay,
now therrres a good Scotch purse, it even screams when ye open it!"



A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attends his
first baseball game. After a base hit, he hears the fans roaring "Run...
run!"



The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the
Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent:
"R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"



A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman,
obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "r-r-r-un ya
bahstard, r-r-run will ya."



The next batter's count goes up to three and two. As the
pitch crosses past outside the plate, he holds his swing. The umpire
calls a walk the Scotsman


stands up yelling "r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!". All
the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down, confused. A
friendly fan, sensing his


embarrassment, whispers "He doesn't have to run, he's
got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in
disbelief and screams, "Walk


PR-R-ROUD, man!"









This fellow wishes to join an exclusive African
lion-hunters club. Actually, the club's members consist entirely of
aging Englishmen, who never do any


hunting, and whose only enjoyment comes when some silly
sod wants to join. On the night of the initiation, all of the members
sit beneith the African sky


around three identical grass huts. The club's founder
begins to speak: "To become one of use, you must pass the test of the
three huts. In the first hut,


there is a bottle of whiskey that must be consumed. In
the second, there is a Bengal tiger with a bad tooth that must be
removed. In the third, there is an


amourous woman that must be satisfied." With only a
lion's skin to wear, the man marches into the first hut, and, after a
minute of gulping noises, comes


staggering out and barely makes his way in to the
second. Within seconds, the hut begins shaking as fur flies in all
directions, and screams can be heard


from both man and beast within. After another moment of
silence, the man emerges from the second hut, bleeding, and covered from
head-to-toe with thousand of


scratches. He strains his eyes at the concerned looking
crowd of old men and asks "Now where's this woman with the bad tooth?"









The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony
beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to
the Pope out of the corner


of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every
English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."



The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."



The Queen says, "Watch this".



So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in
the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks
and cheering, basically going


ballistic.



So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I
going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."



So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns
to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd
go wild, not just now, but for


the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."



The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."



So the Pope headbutts her.



Tibetan Monk Championship









An airplane was flying across the Atlantic ocean with
four passengers aboard. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan,
and a Mexican.



Towards the end of the trip, the plane flew into stormy
weather, and lightning struck the wing. The pilot wrenched the plane
back under control, but they


were losing altitude fast. Even after dumping all the
luggage and nonessentials out the door, the plane still couldn't
possibly make it to land.



The pilot called back to his passengers, saying, "The
situation's pretty grim, gentlemen. One of you will have to bail out.
Take one of the parachutes and a


life vest, and we'll send someone to pick you up once we
land."



The Englishman decided to bail out. Strapping on a
parachute, he threw the door open, and shouted "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and
leapt from the plane.



The plane did better after that, but was still too
heavy. The pilot called back and said, "I'm afraid someone else will
have to jump."



The Frenchman decided to jump next. He strapped on a
parachute, threw the door open, and shouted "VIVA LA FRANCE!" as he flew
into the ocean below.



A bit later, land came into sight, but the plane was
losing altitude too fast to make it. The pilot called back, saying "If
just one more of you bails out,


we will be safe."



So the Texan strapped on a parachute, and striding
bravely towards the open door of the plane, shouted "REMEMBER THE
ALAMO!" - and shoved the Mexican out.









Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his
girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in


the air.



Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"


Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on
Marie's lips.


"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.


"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I
like to have red wine!"



She smiles and they start kissing.


When things began to heat up a little, Marie says,
"Pierre, kiss me lower."


Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of
Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.


"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie


. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white
meat, I like to have white wine!"



They resume their passionate interlude and things really
steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me
lower!"


Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of
Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on
fire.


Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist
deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT
IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK


YOU'RE DOING?"



Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre,
the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"









An American, a Frenchman, and an Aussie are in a bar
talking about thier lovemaking abilities.



The American says (in heavy Texan drawl) "Well I tell
ya. I after I make love to my wife she's in such ecstacy that she floats
six inches above the bed"



The Frenchman replies (in accent, with much arm waving):
"No, no, no. This is nothing. After I make love to a woman she floats
three feet above the bed.



The Australian (in thick strine): "Struth mate. That's
nuthin. After I root the missus, I pull out my dick, wipe it on the
curtains, and she hits the fuckin'


ceiling"









A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.
After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the
small town airport and how in


Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...



They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the
man is further unimpressed -- "I have a duck pond bigger than that
harbor, and an ornamental bridge


to span it that makes this look like a toy." The
Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn -- "Is this a road, or a
track?" So when a kangaroo jumped


out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe
application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself -- "Stupid
grasshoppers!"









Two Cubans were strolling through Havana on a pleasant
summer day.



"What a lovely afternoon," one said. "I thank God for it."



"God?" the other sneered. "You should thank Castro."



"Castro? It was God who made these flowers smell so sweet."



"I would prefer to thank Castro." the second one huffed.



"You're mad!" said the first Cuban showing obvious
displeasure.



"It was God who mad the water in the lake so clear and
serene."



The second Cuban repeated, "I would prefer to thank Castro."



Finally, somewhat stunned, the first man said, "And who
will you thank when Castro is dead?"



Replied the second Cuban: "God."









A forman was assigned three new workers; two big strong
local men, and a little guy from Japan. Because of their size, the
foreman gave the two locals the


digging work, and told the Japanese man "You'll be in
charge of supplies." After an hour or so, the forman came back to check
on their progress only to find


the two locals sitting down doing nothing. "What
happened? Why aren't you at work?" The men replied that their tools were
broken and that the Japanese man in


charge of supplies, had disappeared. Worried, the
foreman ordered the two men outside the mine to help look for the little
guy. Just when they were about to


give up the search, the Japanese guy jumps up from
behind a rock and yells "Supplies!!"









Outside of a hotel in Orchard Road, a Japanese tourist
gets in a cab and tells the driver to drive him to the airport. On their
way, a car zoomed by and the


Japanese goes "Aaah Toyota, made in Japan, very faaast!"
And then, another car zooms by and the Japanese goes "Aaah Nissan, made
in Japan, very faaast!" And


then, another car zooms by and the Japanese goes "Aaah
Mitsubishi, made in Japan, very faaast!" By this time, the cabby is
getting tired of his passenger's


nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the airport, the
cabby tells his passenger "100 dollars please..". The Japanese goes "100
dollars?! It's not that far


from the hotel!!!". The cabby's reply "Aaah, taxi meter,
made in Japan, very faaast!!"









Three samurai meet to decide which among them is the
greatest swordsman.



The judge approached the first samurai and opened a
small box. Out flew a fly. The samurai's sword flashed through the air
and the fly fell to the ground,


neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive," said the judge.



Now the judge came to the second samurai a again opened
a small box. The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly
cut into four parts. "Superb,"


exclaimed the judge! Finally it was the third samurai's
turn.



The judge opened a third small box and a third fly
buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly
continued to buzz away. The third


samurai put up his sword with a satisfied grin on his
face. "But the fly still lives" observed the judge. "True," replied the
samurai, " But he will never


reproduce again!"









A young Chinese couple were relaxing in bed after having
made love. The


husband says to his wife, "Honey, you know what I could
really go for right


now is some 69. How about it?" The wife looks at him and
says, "You mean


you expect me to get out of bed and fry you up some rice
and broccoli? No,


way."









A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in
the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their
hands. As soon as they had


all complied, the lights went on again. He then said,
"Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work.'"









A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign
reading:



"Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."



Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by
an obviously Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt.



"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.



The Oriental explained in very broken English that when
he landed in America he was standing in the immigration line behind a
German. When asked his name,


the German replied,


"Hans Schmidt."



When the immigration official asked the Oriental his
name, he replied,


"SAM TING."









An Englishman, Irishman and Chinese heard that there
were jobs in the local mine, so they went to the hiring manager to see
about a job. The manager said,


"Sure! I've got work for you. I want the Englishmam to
shovel dirt into the pushcart. I want the Irishman to push the cart out
of the mine. I want the


Chinaman to be in charge of supplies." The manager left
the mine and the three began working. After a couple of hours the
manager returned to see the


Englishman digging and the Irishman pushing, but no
Chinaman anywhere in site, so he said, "Hey! Where's the Chinaman?" They
replied, "We don't know. We


haven't seen him in a long time." The manager left the
mine, curious about the whereabouts of the Chinaman. As he rounded a
turn in the mine, the Chinaman


suddenly jumped out at him and said, "Supplies!"









Three worst Chinese torture tests



A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's


hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's
eaten anything


besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to
sleeping in caves


and under trees.



One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.


It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see
any other


buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out
of the


chimney implying someone is home.



He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a


beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his
eyes


and says "What do you want?"



The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks


and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time.
I would


be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in
your house


for tonight"



The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one


condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"



The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I


promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way


tomorrow morning"



The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you


then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests
ever


known to man."



"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house.


Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would
live


out in the wilderness all her life?



Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after


showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was.
She was


an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three
weeks,


it had been many, many months without companionship. And
the girl


had only seen the occasional monk besides her
grandfather and


well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other


throughout the meal.



That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and


they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to
minimum.


The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to


himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it
after that


experience."



Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight


on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge
rock on


his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese
torture


test: 100 lb rock on your chest".



"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as


he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the
shutter


and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is
another


sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied
to right


testicle".



The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to


be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside
the window is a


third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left
testicle tied to


bedpost".









After the end of the Finnish war, a young female
reporter from a British


newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about
the soldiers home-


coming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met
Pekka on the street.


"Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?"


"Yah, I was in the infantry."


"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a
newspaper article?"


"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."


"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the
first thing you did?"


"I fucked my wief." Pekka said bluntly. The journalist
went crimson, and tried


desperately to change the subject.


"After that. I mean, what did you do after that?"



"I fucked her again." he answered. If possible the
journalist turned even more


red, and got even more desperate to change the subject.


"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you was
finished with all that?!"


"Then I unstrapped my skis and my heavy backpack."









The airliner from Polish Airways was preparing to land
at O'Hare Field.



The pilot radioed the control tower that he thought the
runway was too


short to land on. The tower radioed back that it was
more than long


enough.



In a few minutes the pilot again radioed about the
runway length, only


to receive the same reply.



On final approach, the pilot radioed again that he
thought the runway


was too short, only to receive an exasperated reply that
the runway


was long enough and to go ahead and land.



Sure enough, the plane touched down and ran into the
passenger


terminal, resulting in major damage and great loss of life.



After the plane came to a halt, the pilot turned to the
co-pilot said,


"See, I told them the runway was too short". To which
the co-pilot


replied, "Yeah, but did you see how wide that sucker was?"

[marika]

Post by Just Wondering
Q. How is a (insert target group here) joke like
premature ejaculation?

http://webproworld.com/viewtopic.php?t=32569

mk5000

"he was just getting used to being treated like a celebrity, seeing the
whle scene. first and foremost, the most tragice event is that an
officer was killed. I feel very sorry for his family"--noel ashman

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

Another joke or two or three or ...


Q. Why do people say "Amen" and not "Awomen"?
A. Because they sing hymns and not hers.

Q. What does the Zen guru says to the hot dog vendor?
A. "Make me one with everything..."

Q. What does a Jehova's Witness do when she loses her faith?
A. She rings your doorbell for no reason.

Q. Who was the fastest runner in history?
A. Adam. He was first in the human race.

Q. How do you save a drowning Christian?
A. There's no need to; they're already saved.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Mormon?
A. 30 days worth of stolen food in the basement.

Q. Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
A. Someone might think they're dancing.

Q. How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown
incident?
A. The punchlines were too long.

Q. What do the Pope and 7-UP have in common?
A. "Never had it, never will."

Q. Why didn't Jesus get into college?
A. He got hung up on his boards.

Q. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
A. They both have balls just for decoration.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve on their first evening together?
A. "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"

Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

Q. Why did God create men?
A. Cucumbers don't take out the garbage.

Q. What's the difference between a wrestler and a priest?
A. This is a half-nelson.
(apply a half-nelson to the joke-ee)
This is a full-nelson.
(apply a full-nelson to the joke-ee)
(now begin to vigorously hump the joke-ee)
This is Father Nelson!



[Jokes Bar]

After painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, the Pope asked
Michaelangelo what part of the job was the most difficult.

He replied, "Staying in the lines."



[Jokes Bar]

In the dead of night a geezer wakes up his wife, telling her,
"Mildred, I've just seen a miracle! I went to take a leak and the light
came on all by itself--I never even touched the switch. Then when I left,
the light went off all by itself! A miracle, I tell you!"

Wife says, "Fred, you old fool, you've pissed in the ice box again!"



[Jokes Bar]

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said
to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I
have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my
old man."

The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll
sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice
in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both
to 90 days in jail."



[Jokes Bar]

The little boy returned from his first experience in church and was asked
how it went. He said, "The music and singing were nice, but the
commercial was too long."



[Jokes Bar]

The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the
congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster
fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly.
"I give a thousand dollars!"

The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"



[Jokes Bar]

The sermon had been going on endlessly. Finally the minister's voice
cracked and said, "What more can I say?"

One parishioner yelled, "How about `Amen'!"



[Jokes Bar]

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her
cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she
insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all
right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must
confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her
hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed.
"Why else would I poison you?"



[Jokes Bar]

In a monastery in Wyoming, everyday before breakfast the Superior would
chant "Good Morning, Good Morning" and the Brothers would all chant back
"Good Morning, Good Morning." There was only one problem with this
morning chant, one Brother thought it was the stupidest thing in the
world. He really hated it. One morning he decided that he would get them
all back and hopefully stop this stupidity. That morning he went to
breakfast and the Superior came in and chanted "Good Morning, Good
Morning" and all the Brothers except the one chanted, "Good Morning, ..."
At this the one Brother chanted as loud as he could, "Good Evening." Upon
hearing this the Superior stood up and chanted "Someone Chanted Evening!"



[Jokes Bar]

The monks of a monastery in southern England decided to do some
renovation work on their building, but they were badly in debt and had no
income. They decided to sell fish `n' chips to make some profit.

Their first customer approached one of the Brothers and asked,

"Are you the fish fryer?"

"No," was the reply, "I'm the chip monk."



[Jokes Bar]

A young man is lost and walking in the desert.

One hot day, he spots the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls
up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better,
the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his
way out, he sees the missionaries horse. He goes back into the house and
asks the him if he could borrow his horse.

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.
You have to say `Thank God' to make it go and `Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts
walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts
trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God,
thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees a cliff
coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops four inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in
the saddle and says, "Thank God."



[Jokes Bar]

The Franciscans, Dominicans and Jesuits were having a big meeting that
went well into the middle of the night. Suddenly all the lights went out
in the meeting room. The Franciscans immediately took out guitars and
sang songs, the Dominicans began preaching, and the Jesuits went to the
basement, found the fuse box and reset the breaker.



[Jokes Bar]

A Jesuit and Franciscan sat down to dinner.... after dinner pie was
served. The pie had two pieces, one cut small the other large... the
Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan
remonstrated:

"St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece."

The Jesuit replied: "And so you have it."



[Jokes Bar]

A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road,
debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the
Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary
and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come
with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to
his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy
Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder,
and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?



[Jokes Bar]

A Dominican, a Franciscan and a Jesuit priest were in the same hospital
room and all on their death beds. Suddenly the Angel of Death appeared
before them and informed them that it was their time, however before he
would take the three of them he would allow them to each have one last
request.

The Dominican went first and he asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior
before he was to leave this world. In an instant the face appeared before
him, he was satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets.

The Franciscan was next and he asked to touch the wounds in the hands and
feet of Jesus before he died. No sooner than he had asked the pierced
hands and feet appeared before him. He touched them and he too was
content.

Finally the Angel of Death turned to the Jesuit and asked what his final
request was.

Without hesitation the Jesuit replied: "I'd like a second opinion."



[Jokes Bar]

There was a priest's retreat at some retreat house and during the course
of it the retreat master asked them to break up into groups of three.
They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had
never shared with anyone else ever.

The Dominican priest after much hemming and hawing said that he was an
alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the
time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the
sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so
good, so free.

The Franciscan priest hesitated, but finally said he thought he could
trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable
to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very
ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it
in such a context with his fellow priest.

It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for
their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem.
He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it.
He had tried hypnosis and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him
overcome his compulsion to gossip.



[Jokes Bar]

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church,
and was preaching his first sermon.

He started out with a quote, "Behold I cometh...." but he couldn't
remember the rest of it. In the seminary, they had told him that if he
forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it
would come back to him.

So, he said again, "Behold I cometh....' but he still couldn't remember.
So he reared back and shouted again, "BEHOLD I COMETH..." but this time,
he tripped over the pulpit and fell onto a little woman sitting in the
first row. He was embarrassed and started apologizing.

"It ain't your fault," the woman said. "You told me you was coming three
times, and I never did move!"



[Jokes Bar]

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, The Pope was doing a crossword
puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and
said,

"What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?

The bishop said,

"Did you try "aunt"?

The Pope said,

"Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"



[Jokes Bar]

One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul I have good news and
bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between
the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion".
The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked
"What's the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling from
Salt Lake City.



[Jokes Bar]

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the
papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If
you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....'
to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million
dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of
the Lord and it must not be changed".

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the
Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the
Lord and it must not be changed".

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5
billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this
day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and
he leaves.

Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has
good news and bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion".
"The bad news is that we are losing The Sunshine Bread Account".



[Jokes Bar]

One fine autumn day, the Pope decided to take a casual stroll through the
gardens at the Vatican. During his walk he came upon a pretty young nun
bending over picking flowers. He gazed at her curvaceous form beneath her
habit then opted to mosey towards the large bushes to take care of some
"personal" business.

His eyes closed, the Pope concentrated on the business "at hand." As he
approached his climax he saw a flash, and quickly opened his eyes.
Apparently someone had taken a picture! He arranged himself and ran
toward the area where the flash had come from. Just a few feet ahead he
noted a couple taking photos of the Vatican grounds. Composed, the Pope
approached them and began talking.

"My, that's a very nice camera you have there."

"Thank you. We bought it just for this trip."

"You know," the Pope replied, " I really need a camera. How much would
you take for the camera that you have there?"

The couple looked at each other and turned back to the Pope. "I'm sorry
Father, but this is a very special camera to us. We've already taken some
very wonderful pictures during our vacation."

The Pope frowned, looked away and began to think. Turning back to the
couple he said, "I really like that camera. Perhaps you'd take $500 for
it?"

The couple again looked at each other, then turned back to the Pope. "No.
We don't think so."

The Pope, quite antsy by now said "Okay. I'll give you $1000 dollars for
that camera."

The couple looked at each other, smiled, then said to the Pope, "Okay,
you have a deal."

The Pope took the camera, hung it around his neck, and said "Thank you."

Relieved, he began to stroll the grounds of the Vatican. Soon he noticed
a woman with an identical camera draped around her neck. Curious, he
approached her.

"Hi. Beautiful day, isn't it? By the way, I noticed your camera."

The lady replied, " Yes. Thank you. I've been taking pictures while on
holiday."

The Pope smiled, pointed to the camera draped around his neck, and said
"If you don't mind, I have to ask a question. I just purchased an
identical camera, but I wonder how much you paid?"

The woman noted the Pontiff's camera and replied, "Well, Father, I bought
this at the shop for $400."

The Pope grimaced, and replied "My. You certainly got a better deal than
I. My camera cost me $1000."

The woman shook her head, looked to the Pope, and said "Oh dear. Someone
must have seen you coming!"



[Jokes Bar]

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of the Holy
Family. After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that some of the
youngsters had drawn the conventional pictures....the Holy Family and the
manger, the Holy Family riding on the mule, etc.

But she called up one little boy to ask him to explain his drawing, which
showed an airplane with four heads sticking out of the plane windows.

She said, "I can understand that you drew three of the heads to show
Joseph, Mary, and Jesus. But who's the fourth head?"

"Oh," answered the boy, "that's Pontius the pilot!"



[Jokes Bar]

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a
woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people,
and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just
duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened....not
a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his
wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she
couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them
both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away
over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and
I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."



[Jokes Bar]

Thirteen ministers were on a flight to New York. When they came into a
large storm, they told the stewardess to tell the pilot that everything
would be okay because 13 ministers were on board.

Later the stewardess returned from the cockpit.

"What did the pilot say?" one preacher asked.

"He said he was glad to have 13 ministers aboard but he would rather have
four good engines."



[Jokes Bar]

At the Sunday service, the minister decided to lead the congregation in a
prayer for much-needed rain. Farmer Olson didn't join in. Asked by
another farmer why he'd refrained, he said, "I've been
noticing.....praying don't do much good without a wind from the
southwest!"



[Jokes Bar]

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to
call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing
before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this
must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we
see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."



[Jokes Bar]

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with
bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything -- noise,
spray, cats-- nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go
away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church
. . . haven't seen one back since!"



[Jokes Bar]

A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the
beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging
the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the
shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on
fire!



[Jokes Bar]

A farmer named Clancey lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a
pet dog he cherished. The dog grew old and died. Clancey went to the
parish priest, saying, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be
saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Mike told the farmer, "No, we can't have services for an animal in
the church; however, there's a new denomination down the road
apiece...not sure of their beliefs...but maybe they'll do something for
the animal."

Clancey said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"

Father Mike replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"



[Jokes Bar]

A lady approaches a priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how
to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

"They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have
some FUN?'"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I
will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray
and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray
and worship."

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying
in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots
and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have
some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,
"PUT THE BEADS AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"



[Jokes Bar]

A bunch of preachers are having a meeting in the rectory of a Catholic
priest. Just as they're silently tuning up for some heavy orations, the
priest offers all of them a whiskey to ease tensions and get the smell of
religious napalm out of the air.

"Don't mind if I do, thanks," says the Methodist vicar, who slugs down
three fingers of Wild Turkey.

"And you?" asks the priest of the born-again minister. "What?" the
born-again shouts indignantly. "Drink alcohol? Why, I'd rather debauch in
a whorehouse!"

At this the Methodist spits his whisky back into the glass and hollers,
"Whoa! You mean we get a choice?"



[Jokes Bar]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen
chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."



[Jokes Bar]

There were two ministers who met each Sunday morning riding to their
particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then
one Sunday one of the ministers was walking. "My what happened to your
bike?"

"Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

"NO!," then an idea struck him, " You want to know how to get your bike
back?"

"Yeah."

"Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and
when you get to the part about Thout shall not steal, just look out into
the congregation and see who looks guilty."

Well the next Sunday the minister comes riding up on his bike.

"Hey I see my suggestion worked."

"Well sort of, I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and
when I got to the part about Adultery I remembered where I left the
bike."



[Jokes Bar]

A preacher always got into his sermon about noon. At that time, the train
would go through the town and blow its whistle. Several members of the
congregation went to the train company and begged them to change the
schedule. The darn whistle was waking everybody up!



[Jokes Bar]

When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a
nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he
spotted his old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar.
"What happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be
rich."

Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall.
"Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your
finger on the page, and there will be God's answer."

Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a Gucci
suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes.
"Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned
around for you."

"Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible,
put my finger down on the page and there was the answer.... Chapter 11."



[Jokes Bar]

A town had recently gotten a brand new preacher. Unfortunately, his
sermons always put the townspeople to sleep. To try to fix this, he went
to a preacher's workshop.

One of the speakers at this workshop told this joke: "You know, I spent
the best years of my life in another woman's arms." After the audience
gasped, he continued, "She was my mother."

The small town preacher thought that this would be a GREAT joke to tell,
so he decided to use it the next Sunday.

When the preacher got around to giving his sermon, he said, "I spent the
best years of my life in another woman's arms." Everyone in the
congregation was whispering and gasping, and suddenly, the preacher
forgot the punchline.

He stammered, "I spent the best years of my life in another woman's
arms...uh...uh...uh...and...and I can't remember who she was!"



[Jokes Bar]

A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about
confession. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you sit with me
on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will
ever know.

A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

"Three times."

"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the
offering box."

Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned." The
priest asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

"Three times."

Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the
offering box." Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do
the next confession?" The rabbi started to object, but the priest said,
"Go ahead. It's easy."

So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"

"I cheated on my husband."

"How many times?"

The woman said, "Twice."

Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today.



[Jokes Bar]

There was this catholic teenager who goes to confession, and after
confessing to having an affair with a teenage girl is told by the priest
that he cannot forgive this terrible sin if the boy doesn't tell who the
girl is.

The boy says "Aw father, I promised not to tell"

"Was it Mary Particia, the Butcher's daughter?"
"Come on father, no it wasn't and I wont tell"
"Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?"
"No, and I still won't tell"
"Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?"
"No, it wasn't and I really can't tell you who."
"We;;, son, I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months."
The boys friend meets him afterwards outside the church and asks him how
it went:

"Well, I got six months on the outside, but three good leads!"



[Jokes Bar]

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an
affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean
almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I
stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys
and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I
saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was
the same as putting it in!"



[Jokes Bar]

A Catholic priest is in his confessional box. The sliding door opens.
"Father, I had sex with a pair of lovely 18 year old nymphomaniac twins
five times today!!" says the confessor. "What kind of Catholic are you? "
demanded the priest. "But I'm not Catholic." said the confessor. "Then
why are you telling ME this?" asked the priest. "Because I'm telling
everyone!!!"



[Jokes Bar]

The new priest, at his first mass, was so frightened that he could hardly
speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Bishop what he
could do to relax. The Bishop said, 'Next week, it might help if put
martini in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go
smoothly'. The next week, the young priest put the Bishop's suggestion
into practice and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked
the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, 'fine, but there are a
few things you should learn before you address the congregation again

1. Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down glassful after
glassful.
[Humor, Funny, Comedy, Parody, humor, Humour, laugh (pixel.gif - 0.04 K)]
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.

3. There are twelve disciples not ten.

4. The epistles are not the wives of the apostles.

5. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the hell out of him.

6. We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C.
and the boys.

7. Next Sunday, there is Taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

8. We do not refer to the Cross as 'The Big T'.

9. The 'Father, Son and Holy Ghost' are not referred to as 'Big Daddy,
Junior and the Spook'.

10. And last but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the
Cherry.



[Jokes Bar]

A young priest was just about to enter the church for mass when the old
priest who usually conducted services came out, sweating and looking
nervous.

"What's wrong father?" the young priest asked.

"I can't do it again. I just can't do it. You ... you must conduct mass
today young man."

"But I've never done mass before. What's wrong, are you ill?"

"No, no, it's not that. It's Sister Greene. She makes it impossible! I
must go. Good luck young man." And with that the old priest rushed away.

"Who is Sister Greene?" the young priest wondered. He entered the church
and walked up to the pulpit and began to conduct mass to the best of his
abilities, though he was clearly nervous. As he continued, he noticed one
of the Sisters sitting in the front pew. She was smiling at him, coyly.
He then noticed that she was slowly but surely pulling her habit up and
up, revealing more and more skin. He started stammering and becoming
forgetful. Finally, she pulled the garment all the way over her knees,
and started slowly spreading her legs. Now the young priest was really
having difficulties. Fortunately, there was a break in the service and
while the congregation was in prayer, he leaned over to whisper to the
alter boy standing next to him, "Excuse me, but is that Sister Greene?"

The alter boy peered over at the Sister, who had not changed her
provocative position and replied, "No, I think it's just the lighting in
here, Father."



[Jokes Bar]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out, and in
and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
`For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"



[Jokes Bar]

St. Peter was walking a group of new souls through Heaven on their "Intro
to The Pearly Gates" orientation tour. They first came to a huge
mosque-like building where all the Moslem souls in Heaven were worshiping
Allah in His allness. The next building they visited was like the first,
only here were all the Budists. Then the tour dropped in on the Jews in
temple, and then the Hindus.

Finally St. Peter brought the group outside the Church were all the
Christian souls were worshiping. "Please be very quiet looking in on the
Christians," St. Peter told the tour group. "Why is that?" someone asked.
"Well," he replied, "they think they're the only ones up here."



[Jokes Bar]

A guy and his friend are killed in a car accident. They both arrive at
the pearly gates together. Saint Peter first guides the one man to a
stunning blond woman and says "she is your partner for eternity." Then
Saint Peter returns, looks over his list of the other man's sins and
trespasses. He proclaims, "you sir, must pay for your sins! and with
that, leads the man to this grotesquely overweight woman with limp
stringy hair and a greasy face. "This isn't fair! the man exclaims, "I
admit that I haven't been without sin in my life, but my friend over
there cheats at cards, never goes to church, and beats his wife. Why does
he get HER as a partner?". To this Saint Peter replies, "She has to pay
for her sins too, you know."



[Jokes Bar]

A couple, on their way to their wedding, are hit by a truck and die
immediately. Upon arriving in heaven, they implore St. Peter to marry
them. "We must be married here, we were just about to get married on
earth," they cry. You'll have to wait is St. Peter's only reply. This
request continues for ten years, but St. Peter always tells them they
have to wait. Finally St. Peter calls them and a priest arrives to
perform the heavenly marriage. The couple is thrilled and relieved. A
year later the couple recognizes that the union is flawed and the go to
St. Peter and ask for a divorce. "Again, you'll have to wait." said St.
Peter. The couple is adamant, "our marriage is over St. Peter, please,
give us a divorce." Finally St. Peter blows his stack and shouts, "look,
it took me ten years to find a priest in heaven, how long do you think it
will take for me to find a lawyer?"



[Jokes Bar]

The day comes when the Pope dies. He goes up to heaven where he is
greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "Oh your Holiness, you are already pre-admitted, please
go right in. Is there anything we can provide for you?"

The Pope responds, "Yes there is. I would like to view the transcripts of
what transpired between God and man. I would like to see what was
actually said."

St. Peter says, "Of course..here are our libraries. Feel free to look at
anything you desire."

Two weeks go by and suddenly a heart wrenching wail is heard. The Angels
fly to the library to see what is the matter. There at a table sits the
Pope, with his head buried in his hands. He's muttering over and over...

"There's an 'R'....oh...there's an 'R'.."

The Angels hover around the Pope.

The Pope looks up and says, "It's Celibrate..NOT Celibate!!!"



[Jokes Bar]

A man tries to enter heaven but first he has a chat with St. Peter keeper
of the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter explains that it is not easy to get into heaven. There are some
criteria to be met before entry is allowed.

St. Peter asked the man several questions.

Was the he religious in life? Did he attend church? Was he generous? Did
he give money to the poor, to charities? Did he do any good deeds? Did he
help his neighbor?

The man answered, "No?"

St. Peter said, "Not good, not good".

Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this little old lady. I came out of a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse
and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my
bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I
helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and
told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then I spit in his
face".

"Wow", said St. Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about ten minutes ago", replied the man.



[Jokes Bar]

Priest dies, goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, Welcome Father, we
have a place ready for you! and shows him to a small room with a mat,
bread and water. The priest who was good all his life says, St. Peter
this is sufficient for me in Heaven. As the priest walks around, he sees
a former member of his congregation known for his sinful life in a plush
room with a bottle of Royal Salute in one hand and a beautiful girl in
another. The priest is a bit disturbed and next time he sees St. Peter
asks him about what he saw. St. Peter replies, Ah, Father, all is not as
it seems. You see he has a bottle with a hole in it and a woman with
none!



[Jokes Bar]

A down-and-out, who has nevertheless lived a good, righteous life, dies
and turns up at the golden gates. St Peter says: "OK, you can come in,
but you'll have to use the tradesmen's entrance round the back."

He duly goes round the back and manages to find his way into heaven
through this scruffy little back door.

Well, he is there rejoicing with the angels, when suddenly there is a
fanfare of trumpets and the sound of majestic music. With great pomp and
ceremony the golden gates are flung wide, and amid a triumphal procession
in walks a Bishop, arm-in-arm with St. Peter himself. Heaven goes wild
with cheering and general celebration.

The tramp turns to the angel next to him and says "I don't get it, do you
still have class distinctions up here, somehow I thought we'd all be
treated equally "

"Oh no", says the Angel, "you don't understand. We just had to celebrate.
You see, we get a lot of people like you up here, but he's the first
Bishop who's ever made it."



[Jokes Bar]

A man dies and goes to heaven and meets Saint Peter at the gate. Saint
Peter says to the man, "Before I can let you in, you have to pass a
test." So the man says to Saint Peter, "What kind of a test?" Saint Peter
says, "You have to spell a word." "Ok", says the man, "What's the word?"
Saint Peter says "Love." So the man spells love, l-o-v-e. Saint Peter
then tells the man to wait while he runs an errand and that he'll be
right back and let him in. As the man is waiting, his wife dies in an
auto-accident and appears at the gate of heaven. The man says to his
wife, "Before you can get into heaven, you have to spell a word." The
wife says, "What's the word?" The man says, "Czechoslovakia!"



[Jokes Bar]

Three friends die in a car crash. They all make it up to St. Peter, but
there's a problem. It seems that they were not supposed to die in that
car crash. St. Peter takes them to the edge of heaven and tells them that
they can return to Earth in any form they wish to live out their lives.
All they have to do is to shout out what they want to become and leap off
the edge. The first man runs to the edge and shouts, "Eagle!" He turns
into a magnificent eagle and soars away. The second man runs to the edge
and yells, "Lion!" He becomes a powerful lion and bounds away down a
mountainside. The third man runs to the edge, stubs his toe just before
reaching the edge, and shouts, "Ow! Shit!"



[Jokes Bar]

Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.
Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one
simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "What is Easter?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
question, "What is Easter?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disqust, looks at
the third man and asks, "What is Easter?"

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were
eating at the last supper and he was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified,he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and
was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off
by a large bolder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus
can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be 6 more weeks of
winter.



[Jokes Bar]

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to
watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he
saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly,
had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he
could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking
for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were
millions of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the
holes in his hands and feet," states the old man. Jesus does a double
take and says, "Father?" The old man looks at Jesus and says,
"Pinocchio?"



[Jokes Bar]

It was the day that Jesus was crucified, and all of the Disciples were
gathered around the cross praying for Jesus.

Suddenly Jesus called, "Peter......Peter...!" Peter said, "My lord needs
me, I shall go up and see what he needs!" Peter tried to go up the ladder
to talk to Jesus, but the guards pulled him down and beat him up!

A minute later Jesus called again, "Peter.....Peter...!" Again Peter
said, "My lord is calling I must go!" Peter once again was pulled off the
ladder and beaten to a pulp!

This happened a couple of more times!

Then Jesus called again, but louder this time, "PETER.....PETER!!!!!"
Peter got strength from within him and managed to fight up the ladder.
"Yes my lord, I am here!", cried Peter. And Jesus answered, "Peter......I
can see your house from here!"



[Jokes Bar]

Jesus was walking in the rain one day, and he met up with Samson (a
clothes maker). Samson gave Jesus a cloak he had made. Jesus' cloak was
admired by everyone; everywhere he preached, people kept exclaiming about
the workmanship of the cloak.

When Samson met up with Jesus six months from the day that he had given
him the cloak, he said, "Jesus, we've got a great thing going here. I
have had so many orders for my cloaks that I think we should go into
business together. The only problem I am having is trying to decide what
to call the business. Should it be called `Samson and Jesus' or `Jesus
and Samson'?"

Jesus responded by saying, "How about Lord and Tailor?"



[Jokes Bar]

Jesus and Moses are playing golf one day, and Jesus is enjoying a two
point lead over his golf partner. As they get to the ninth whole, Jesus
makes a big deal of primping and preparing to hit the ball.

Moses asked him, "What do you think you're doing. Go ahead and hit the
ball!"

Jesus replied, "Don't rush me. I've been practicing my swing, and I'm
gonna knock this one in just like Arnold Palmer."

Jesus takes a swing at the ball, and, alas, it flies straight into a
large water hazard. Not discouraged by the hazard, and hoping to avoid a
one stroke penalty, Jesus walked out onto the water and proceeded to hit
the ball as he stood on the surface of the water. As he was doing this, a
spectator walked by and gasped with astonishment.

"Who does this guy think he is," said the on-looker, "Jesus Christ?!"

"No," Moses replied. "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."



[Jokes Bar]

Jesus and Moses decided to go golfing one day, and so they went. Just
before tee off on the first hole, an old geezer asks if he can make it a
threesome. Seeing nothing wrong with this, Jesus says OK. Anyhow, along
comes the third hole, a wicked shot across 100yds of water onto an island
green about twenty yards in diameter. Jesus shoots first, and tops the
ball. As it heads straight for the water he nods to Moses. Moses raises
his arms, parts the water, and Jesus' shot skids along the bottom and up
onto the green.

Moses shoots next, and skies it. It's only going to go about thirty yards
so he looks at Jesus who raises his arms. The ball hits and stays on top
of the water, Jesus walks over, picks it up, and brings it back to Moses
who hits again, landing just on the green.

The old guy hits the ball, and it's way too hard, sailing right over the
island across the water and onto the other side, then down a gopher hole.
Suddenly a gopher pops his head out of the hole, the golf ball in his
mouth. Out of the sky dives an eagle, picks up the gopher (ball and all)
and flies away with it. Then a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle,
causing him to drop the gopher, and the gopher to drop the ball. A
terrific gust of wind comes out of the south, and blows the ball right
onto the island and down the hole for a hole in one.

Somewhat taken aback, Jesus squints and looks at the old guy, then says:
"Nice Shot, Dad!!!!"



[Jokes Bar]

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news
and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me
the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs
for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent,
create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other
organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce
your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very
happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very
excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What
could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon
Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that I only gave you
enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.



[Jokes Bar]

Abel: "So, Dad, you and Mom used to live in there, huh?" Adam: "Yes, son,
it was lovely." Abel: "Why did you leave?" Adam: "Your mother ate us out
of house and home."



[Jokes Bar]

One day, Adam was taking a lazy stroll through the Garden of Eden. God
looked down on Adam and noticed his sorrow and loneliness. God said to
Adam, "Adam, you look as though you need a companion. A female. A woman.
I will create for you a woman." Adam contemplates the thought for awhile.
He says to God, "And what is this 'Woman'?" God replies back, "She is one
who will keep you sexually satisfied. She will keep your abode clean.
Tend after your children. Cook lavish meals. One who will always listen
to what you have to say." A smile comes across Adam's face, but
disappears moments later into a frown. God says, "Adam, what's the
matter?" Adam looks up to God and says, "What is this going to cost me?"
God replies back, "An arm and a leg." Adam thinks about it for a while.
Finally, after moments of contemplation, he replies back to God, "What
can I get for a rib?"

Months pass after God created Eve for Adam. During one of his morning
strolls, God joins him. God asks Adam, "How is your woman?" Adam replies
back, "God, she's wonderful....except..." God looks puzzled and replies,
"Except what??" Adam says, "Why did you make her so stupid and ignorant?"
God replies back to Adam, "Someone had to love you."



[Jokes Bar]

Adam and Eve are sitting together in their cave one evening. Eve turns to
Adam and says, "Adam?". (should be said in a high pitched "girly" voice)

"Yer, whot?", says Adam. (should be said in a "thick" voice)

"Are we black or are we white?"

"Dunno.", says Adam.

"Well, why don't you ask God if he knows.", asks Eve.

"Uhrr, OK then.", and out of the cave he goes...

"God?", says Adam. "Yer, what?", says a voice from heaven. (Adam was made
in his image remember!)

"Are we black or are we white?", asks Adam.

"You Are What You Are", says God. (should be said dramatically)

"Oh, OK.", says Adam and pops back into the cave.

"Well, what did He say then?", asks Eve.

"He said we're white.", says Adam.

"How do you make that out?", asks Eve.

"Because, if we were black", says Adam, "He would have said..



You Is what You Is!"



[Jokes Bar]

A man was wondering in the woods pondering all the questions of life,
universe, and his own personal problem. The man could not find any
answers so he sought help from God.

"God!? God?! Are you there God?!", he shouted.

God responded, "What is it my son?"

"I have a few questions, mind if I ask?"

"Go right ahead, my sonà anything.", God said

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "a million years to me is only a second".

"Hmmm", he wondered. Then he asked again, "God, what is a million dollars
worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is only worth a penny."

The man lift his eyebrows and proceeded to ask a final question. "God can
I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....in a second".



[Jokes Bar]

There was this man that fell off a 300 foot cliff but managed to catch a
limb on the way down 300 feet above the rocks below.

A voice from the cloud said, "I am here."

"Who are you?" The frightened man called out.

"I am God, do you believe in me?"

"Oh yes I do God, thank God it's you. I believe Lord."

"Do you believe tha I can save you?"

"Oh yes Lord, I believe, I believe."

"Then let go of the limb."

The man thought about that for a moment then looking up he said,

"Help! Is there anybody else up there?"



[Jokes Bar]

(For the benefit of non-UK readers a quid is slang for a pound sterling.
U.S. readers replace it with "10 bucks")

The local priest was strolling down the High Street late in the evening
when suddenly a young lady of the night pops out of a shop doorway.

"Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?".

"My dear child", says the priest, "I've no idea what you mean. Please
leave me alone."

A little further on up the street and another woman appears out the
darkness.

"Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quickie for 10 quid?".

"My dear child", says the priest again, "I've no idea what you mean.
Please leave me alone."

He carries on up the street and is amazed when it happens again!

"Hello Father. Fancy a quickie for 10 quid?".

After this he decides that he will go and see the Mother Superior in the
Convent and ask her if she can explain the women's strange request.

"Mother Superior", he asks, "Tell me, what's a quickie?".

"10 quid", she replies, "The same as in town!".



[Jokes Bar]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it
had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to
admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's
your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above
ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking
him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went
back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his
fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and
fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but
okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him
instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart
attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long,
when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure
that I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on
the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I
was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out
of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process
was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his
story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."



[Jokes Bar]

It seems there was this priest walking back to his church from the bus
stop when he notices this really sloppy drunk ahead of him. The guy is
lurching back and forth and mumbling to himself. The priest slows his
walk down, as he doesn't want to have to deal with the drunk.

He hopes that the drunk will just wander off somewhere but it seems that
every corner the drunk turns the way the priest was going to go. He sees
the drunk turn the corner that leads to his church and gets to the corner
just in time to see the drunk half staggering, half crawling up the steps
to the church. The priest thinks to himself, this poor soul needs help!

He quickens his pace and reaches the door of the church in time to see
the drunk enter the confessional. The priest quickly goes and puts on his
vestments and hurries back to the confessional. He quietly enters and
slides back the panel. After a moments silence he asks, "How can I help
you my son?"

After another moment's silence the drunk slurs, "Mebbe you can. You got
any toilet paper on your side?"



[Jokes Bar]

One day this Priest decides to make some money for his church by going
into thoroughbred horse racing. He goes to a horse auction with high
hopes, but all he could afford was a racing donkey. The priest prays the
night before the race and incredibly the donkey comes in 3rd. The
newspaper headlines read :

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest enters the donkey in another race and as if by miracle the
donkey wins 1st place. The newspaper headlines read :

PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was most annoyed by all this publicity and tells the priest to
get rid of the donkey. The newspaper headlines read :

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

The priest decides to give the donkey to the head of a local convent. The
newspapers read :

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop was extremely ticked off with all this bad publicity and
demands that the nun get rid of the donkey. The newspapers read :

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR 10 BUCKS

After reading the paper the bishop dies of a heart attack. The newspaper
headlines read :

TOO MUCH ASS KILLS BISHOP



[Jokes Bar]

The bishop had led a long and pious life. He was in his 80s and was
obviously nearing the end of his life. The Archbishop decided that
something should be done to perpetuate this great bishop's memory and
commissioned an artist to paint the bishop's portrait. The artist
suggested that the bishop should pose for him that in some way showed the
highlight of his career.

The bishop thought about it and decided that the highlight of his career
had been when, as a young man of course, he had carried a huge wooden
cross along the path that Jesus trod on his way to Calvary. A huge cross
was acquired; the bishop lifted it onto his back and leaned forward to
ease the load. The artist started painting.

The complexity of the pose meant that the artist took several days
getting the basic portrait correct with the poor old bishop shouldering
the cross each day. On the fourth day, the bishop could take no more and
he collapsed complaining of a terrible pain in his back and chest. He was
rushed off to hospital where a young doctor examined him.

"Please tell me, have I had a heart attack?", asked the Bishop.

"No", said the doctor.

"I'm not going to die", asked the bishop, "then what caused such terrible
pain?

"No", said the doctor, "you're not going to die. The cause of the pain is
obvious. It's the sprain from the pose of your grace."



[Jokes Bar]

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell surrounded by all the little devils
with their pointy sticks. After suffering for a few months he thinks to
himself "I can't stand this much longer. I'd better have a word with the
boss and see if anything better is available."

So, he arranges his appointment with Satan and is soon standing in front
of the big man himself. Satan listens to his request and then says "Well,
I'll tell you what. We do have three other rooms here. Why don't I give
you a tour and then you can decide which of the rooms you would like to
spend eternity in."

They get to the first room, the door swings open and there are all the
people hanging upside down by their genitals being burned by red hot
pokers. The screams and suffering are terrible so the guy says "No way I
am I staying here."

They move on to the second room and the door swings open to reveal the
little devils taking the flesh off the people with potato peelers while
rubbing salt into the resulting wounds. "There's not a hope in Hell of me
wanting to stay here", says our hero and on he goes to the last room.

The door swings open and reveals a small group of people standing up to
their knees in sewage drinking cups of tea and discussing the weather.
(This is the British section of Hell!). "Well", thinks the man, "This
doesn't seem too bad."

"Ok", he says to Satan. "I'll take this room".

Five minutes later he is standing with the others just about to take a
sip of his tea when Satan pops his head around the door and shouts "Ok
folks, tea break's over, BACK ON YOUR HEADS!"



[Jokes Bar]

There's a Priest sitting in the confession booth when he realizes that he
really needs to take a leak. So, he notices this janitor out in the
hallway, and he asks him to take over for him in the booth while he uses
the restroom. He explains that there is this list and when someone tells
him their sin he just looks it up on the sheet and it tells how many Hail
Marys they're supposed to do. So the janitor agrees, and this woman comes
into the booth and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned...I had oral
sex." So the janitor looks on the list for oral sex, but its not on the
list. Well, he notices this alter boy outside in the church, and he goes
up to the kid and says, "Hey, what do you get for oral sex?" The alter
boy says "Usually a candy bar and a ride home!"



[Jokes Bar]

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if
either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the
other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a
few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world
exactly 30 days later. At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John;
this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear
you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?" "It's
beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the
time."

"What do you do all day?"

" Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then
it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then
we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we
fall asleep around 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Then, where are you?"

"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

Another bunch.

Clinton Jokes

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign
limo?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have
in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher...

Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the
Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What did the band play at Clinton's inauguration?
A: Inhale to the chief

Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton apprehensive about going to the movies?
A: Because he's afraid the usherette will ask to see his stub.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"?
A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton?
A: Eats Waffles

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
A: HE DOESN'T! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for
Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A: Because they can't afford any more pork
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
A: Because Bill is having Gennifer
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What was Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to sc#$w the people!

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: NO FEE - If No Recovery!!!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How does Hillary know that Chelsea's got her period?
A: She tastes blood on Bill's prick.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his
face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What are Bill's two favorite campaign promises?
A: ``The check is in your mouth'' and ``I won't come in the mail.''

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.

Q: Why does Hillary always try to get on top?
A: Because Bill can only f--- up.

Q: What was the *real* reason for Clinton to dodge draft?
A: He could not make it as a Naval Aviator

Q: What would Clinton do if he did not get into politics?
A: Become a botanist and play with Flowers

Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: Why do they put Bill Clinton's picture on the insides of toilet bowls?
A: So the assholes can see who they voted for.

Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane
back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument,
who'd land first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat
capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to
improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service
would be out-gunned!

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his father?
A: Bill Clinton's father only screwed *half* the country.

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to
commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many
woes:
A: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!

Q: What do the Titanic and the Clinton Administration have
in common?
A: .........going down fast

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a
light
bulb?
A: Two -- one to screw the bulb into the faucet while the other tells us
that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the _LAW_ABIDING_
public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and
unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali^H^H^H^H^H^HDemocrats do that.

Q: Did you hear about Clinton farting during his press conference today?
A: It got picked up by the microphones and went out over TV :)

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: 0, They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why was Hillary SO interested in Whitewater?
A: She had heard whitewater could be found going over a dike (dyke).

Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a gay?
A: ChelseA:

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both
intellectuals.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup

Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a draft dodger?
A: Chelsea!

Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician?
A: ChelseA:

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.

Q: Dan Quayle, Ted Kennedy, and Bob Packwood were in a spelling bee.
Who won?
A: Dan Quayle, because he was the only one who knew that "harass" was
one word....

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton
famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.

Q: What do you get when you cross Chelsea Clinton with a tit.
A: The ugliest hooters on earth.

Q: What has two wings and a crooked willie?
A: Air Force One.

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against
his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before
Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.

Q: Did you hear that Bill Clinton is going to have a sex change?
A: Because he wants to know how the wemen feel when being screwed.

Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: I'll be home in 15 minutes.
A: Come pick me up before she calls the cops!

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides
to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: What does Hillary do after she shaves her pu**y every morning?
A: Sends him to work!

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
A: Because Hillary pulled him by his balls.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass...

Q: What's yellow, hen-pecked and lays chicks?
A: Bill Clinton

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: What is the best way to kill Clinton????
A: Give him somthing that reads:
DO NOT INHALE.

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess ?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess.
The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to
two.

Q: Who becomes president of the U.S.A: when the President Dies
A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: What was the first thing Clinton said when Francisco
Martin Duran started shooting at the White House?
A: Oh #*@$! You're husband's outside and he's PISSED!

Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.

Q: Why did Clinton want to go into Haiti anyway?
A: He overheard his advisors talking about a hot spot
that one risked HIV infection from entering & he
thought they were talking about Gennifer Flowers.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the
White house with a plane was insane?
A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in
his -own- bedroom at night.

Q: What does the LAPD case against OJ Simpson &
the way Hillary knows when Chelsea is menstruating
have in common?
A: They both involve blood spots found on Socks.

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You putz I TOLD YOU to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: What did Clinton say to Paula Jones when she broke her story?
A: "I said `Do my erection', -not- `ruin my re-election.' !!"

Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton
made want to convert Russia to the type of government they
have in America?
A: "Hell no, I ain't let my wife run the country!!"

Q: What's the difference between the Panama canal & Hillary?
A: Well one's a busy ship-filled ditch & the others a dizzy
shit-filled bitch.

Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.

Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wished he had?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and Jim Bakker have in common?
A: Both of their mistresses made Playboy.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a whale?
A: Whales mate for life

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He IS stupid!

Q: In Arkansas, what is the new use they found for sheep?
A: Wool

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite color?
A: Plaid

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: What will Clinton do for the Navy?
A: Give Rear Admiral a new meaning.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R

Q: What has 14 arches and 100 munchkins?
A: Bill Clinton's jogging route

Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
A: The United States of America

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why is Bill not sending Chelsea to public school?
A: He doesn't want her secret service protection to be out-gunned.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one
contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: What are the two featured songs at the Clinton inauguration?
A: Back in the USSR followed by Inhale to the Chief.

Q: What did the populist Clinton say to promote his inauguration?
A: "My balls are for everyone."

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade 6

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets
defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.

Q: Where did Bill Clinton get his favorite hand gesture? (Index finger
wrapped around the thumb when emphasizing a point.)
A: From pulling down shades in motel rooms.

Anita Hill Quote--
Q: Did you hear about the new Anita Hill doll?
A: Pinch its butt and ten years later it squeals!

Q: Why do the Kennedy's cry during sex?
A: Mace

Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint
takes effect?
A: Everything's $100

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: When will the homosexual political lobby go too far with Bill?
A: When they insist on renaming his office the oval orifice.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: Why does Bill want gays in the infantry?
A: That's where all the first class privates are.

Q: What will be the Marine's new slogan?
A: We're looking for a few good-looking men.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: What are Clinton's plans for the military?
A: Transfer Seamen to all branches of the armed forces.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the
war.

Q: What is a F.A:G.?
A: Former Arkansas Governor

Q: If you had Clinton, Gore, and Dolly Parton on stage together, what would
you have?
A: Two boobs and a great country singer!

Q: How can bake sales be used to lower the deficit?
A: Raise enough money to send Clinton a Flo-Bee!

Q: How come there are Jiffypop pans nailed to all the bedroom doors of the
White House?
A: To save money on smoke detectors!

Q: How will the White House Thanksgiving turkey be different this year?
A: It will have two left wings.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.

Q: Why are females of the White House staff furious at Hillary?
A: She keeps leaving the toilet seat up.

Q: What do Hot Lips (of M*A*S*H fame) and David Koresh have in common?
A: Major Burns.

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: What do David Koresh and Congressman Conyers have in common?
A: They're both black and were burned by Janet Reno.

Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a homosexual?
A: One beer.

Q: Where have all the Clinton supporters gone?
A: Back on the shelf; next to the catcher's mitts where they belong.

Q: What is yellow, hen-pecked, and lays chicks?
A: C _ I _ _ _ N

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."

Q: Why won't there be a White House Christmas pageant this year?
A: They can't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5
years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only know how to screw the taxpayer.

Q: How does Ted Kennedy mark his place when reading a book?
A: He bends over a page.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: What do you call a traffic jam over LAX?
A: Hairlock.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: What do Roger Clinton and Mrs. Robert B. Reich have in common?
A: They both blow a little dope once in a while.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between the real Army and Clinton's Army?
A: Soldiers used to get blown out of fox holes.

Q: Why did Clinton avoid the draft?
A: Back then, there was a ban on gays in the military.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.

Q: How is Bill Clinton a lot like railroad track?
A: He's been laid all over the country.

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White
House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

Q: Why did Clinton cut his vacation short in the interests of dikes,
levees, and rain showers?
A: He thought he was going to the Midwest for lesbians, taxes, and
soaking people.

Q: What caused all the flooding in the Midwest this year?
A: Hillary took all the dikes with her to Washington.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.

Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.

Q: Why did Clinton want a lot of women in his cabinet?
A: To hide the men in his closet.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"

Q: What is the favorite nursery rhyme of Clinton's bimbos?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What do radical environmentalists like Al Gore have in common with a
watermelon?
A: They're green on the outside and red on the inside.

Q: Why does Joycelyn Elders hate aspirin?
A: It's white, it works, and you have to pick cotton to get to it.

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared
everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad
neighborhood.

Q: What do you get when you send Joey Buttafuoco to Harvard?
A: Ted Kennedy

Q: Why are driver's education classes held only three days a week in
Arkansas?
A: The cars are needed the other two days for sex education.

Q: What is the difference between Donna Shalala and an old gray motorcycle?
A: One is a dull bike.

Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney
stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and Kurt Cobain have in common?
A: Half a brain and Gore on their backs.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Hwy 69 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and the Mississippi River have in common?
A: Both are all wet, wander all over the place, and are controlled by dikes.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and
the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: How does Bill Clinton fire up superlawyer Bob Bennett?
A: He tells him to go out there and win one for the zipper.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary smile more often?
A: Bill isn't doing to her what he's doing to the country.

Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.

Q: What does David Koresh have in common with Bill Clinton?
A: They smoked but didn't inhale.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Is Bill Clinton heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual?
A: None of the above. He suffers from egosexuality since he is constantly
screwing himself.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill
Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not
finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning
to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: What do Marsha Clark and Hillary Clinton have in common?
A: They both want a Bill's tailback.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and the Tundra?
A: The Tundra gets drilled once in a while.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing
form...democracy.

Q: How are Boris Becker and Bill Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and Heidi Fleiss have in common?
A: They both got their careers by promising to screw the rich and famous.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260 million people.

Q: What's another name for Bill Clinton's whores?
A: The White House Press Corps.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist...

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as
half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: Now John has brains on the outside of his pants too.
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend 3 hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: What do Gennifer Flowers and George Bush have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What's the difference between Federico Pena's Denver International
Airport and the White House?
A: Planes can land at the White House.

Q: Why did Clinton fire Joycelyn Elders?
A: To beat off the GOP.
A: She wanted to do everything single-handedly.
A: He didn't want America thinking that Slick Willie could be jerked
around.

Q: How could Joycelyn Elders have brought about democracy in China?
A: By teaching children to hold their own elections.

Q: What is Joycelyn Elder's new job?
A: Spokesperson for the Pocket Fisherman.

Q: What was Elders' last official act?
A: A memo to Pee Wee Herman asking her to come up to Washington and give her
a hand.

Q: How is the Clinton cabinet like a bowl of Granola?
A: What ain't fruit and nuts is flakes.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising
chicken who smoked pot.

Q: What do you get when you cross Barney Frank and Newt Gingrich?
A: A Fag Newton!

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck UP......

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.

Q: Whats shakin'?
A: Chelsea's leg, when I scratch her behind her ear!

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.

Q: Why is President Clinton ussually in a bad mood?
A: P.M.S.

Q: Why did Bubba and Hillary only have one kid?
A: Vince Foster is dead.

Q: What do they do to fast women in Arkansas?
A: Put a governor on 'em.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got
there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and
did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: Do you know why they outlawed mini skirts in the White House?
A: So Hillary's balls wouldn't show!

Q: Did you here about Kentucky Fried Chicken's Hillary Combo meal?
A: two small breasts, two large thighs and two left wings.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: Why is it more dangerous than normal to sit next to Bill Clinton
while he's smoking?
A: The smoke is still firsthand!

Q: Why does Hillary have a big mouth?
A: She likes to bl** whales.

Q: Why does Hillary have a grimace on her face?
A: Bill forgot to take the di*** out.

Q: Why did Bill use the di***?
A: Because Hillary bit it off!

Q: Why did Gennifer Flowers leave Bill and talked?
A: Bill had NOTHING to give her!

Q: What's Clinton's executive order #1?
A: Flowers by his bedside.

Q: Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine
"CLINTONATOR"?
A: Unlike a respirator it doesn't let the patient inhale.

Q: Did you know Bill Clinton has AIDS?
A: What do you expect when you screw everyone in the country?

Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust

Q: Why is Bill Clinton not circumcised? [per Gennifer Flowers]
A: It would involve throwing away the best part.

Q: Why did a Bill Clinton send an unsigned check for a hundred dollars to a
charity?
A: He wanted to make an anonymous contribution.

Q: Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
A: Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.

Q: Who was the biggest corporate contributor to Clinton's campaign?
A: Snap-On Tools, Inc.

Q: What did Hillary say to Bill before the election?
A: "We'd better win this one, or I'm moving in with Marina Navratilova!"

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new
breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, dickless, left-wing asshole,
tar-and-feathers yellow chicken with no balls.
(Footnote: Tyson Foods are some Arkansas chicken farmers who torture
their chicken (ever heard of de-beaking?), pollute the environment
with chickenshit, and have paid millions of dollars to Co-Governors
Bill & Hillary Clinton to look the other way. :)

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: How many people work in civil service under Bill?
A: Maybe one in ten.

Q: Why did Bill abolish coffee breaks for civil servants?
A: Because coffee kept them awake all day.

Q: Who/what are/were Ren & Stimpy?
A: There other names for Bill and Al.

Q: Who is the most dangerous woman in the world?
A: Tonya Rodham Bobbitt

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on
Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was to cheap to buy his a present!

Q1: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
Q2: What did Clinton request from Paula Jones.
Q3: What will Clinton have in '96
Q3': What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A1: Snow-Job A2: Blow-Job A3: No Job.

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
A: She looks like her dad Janet Reno.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton fire Joyce Elders??
A: Because he failed her masturbation course!

Q: What does Hillary's new hair style have to do with her heading the
Health Care Reform Task Force?
A: She wanted to look more like nurse Ratchett from One Flew over the
Cuckoo's Nest .

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!

--- SECTION: Bumper Stickers
It's still the economy.
And he's still stupid.

-:- CLINTON - GORE / GONE IN FOUR -:-

Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!

First Hillary
Then Gennifer
Now US.

Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here

Abort Clinton

IMPEACH CLINTON!
And her husband, too!

CLUCK FINTON!

WHERE THE HELL IS LEE HARVEY OSWALD NOW THAT WE REALLY NEED HIM?

"CLINTON DOESN'T INHALE, HE SUCKS!"

-----------------------------------
| |
| Hey Bill ! |
| |
| Show us _your_ assault weapon. |
| |
| ~~~~~~~~~~~ |
-----------------------------------
( "your" was italicized )
There was no (C), but the ~~~~~ (small print) said,
Brought to you by The Coalition to Scare Your Panties Off

In a similar vein, I saw a Hundai on the freeway a few days ago
with a bumper sticker that read "My Lexus Thanks to Clinton"

What Bill did to Flowers,
Hillary's doing to Healthcare

CLINTON HAPPENS

"Carter is not longer the worst U.S. President"

"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimulated."

LIBERALS: One a day, and one in possession.
(inside the crosshairs of a scope)

Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in '96.

Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!

My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill

Its the SPENDING STUPID!

You can't shit here, 'cause your asshole's in the White House.

If Clinton was the Answer, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A REAL STUPID QUESTION!!

Clinton in '96 -- NOT!!

"Free Willy '96"

Bill Clinton: THE SLYDER

"Hilary sucks, and we all know who".

I'M NOT FONDA CLINTON

Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.

Clinton Health Care: A Trojan Hearse

BILL CLINTON
Why stupid people shouldn't vote.

"The jokes over, bring back Bush."

--- SECTION: Oneliners
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and
you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Al Gore is a true legend. Everywhere he goes, there is a statue
personifying him.

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a
time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm
elected...'"

President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next
season. It's called "Welcome Back Carter".

Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's
hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?

If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?

Hillary and Donna Shalala are such feminists that they insisted on
the removal of balls from the White House pool table.

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the
Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be
president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.

The big problem with Clinton's new military is that the only way to
get promoted is to suck up.

The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.

Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!

Gennifer Flowers reassures us that the White House budget is fine.
In her experience, the President already has a very small staff.

Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when
he is really a "yes ma'am."

What do Lani Guinnierre and Gennifer Flowers have in common? (Do
you really need the punchline for this one?)

We believe Clinton. He didn't inhale. He sucks!

The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too
little of either.

Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy
Carter in four years.

Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as
putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

Al Gore is stiffer than Pee Wee Herman at a double feature.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in
Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the
same reason.

Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe

Someone is marketing Bill Clinton golf balls. They don't fly
straight but they sure give you a great lie.

If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the
vote?

Al Gore: Just a heartbeat away from the vice-presidency.

With all of Bill's half-siblings, at least we know his father was
not a condom salesman. Like father, like son.

The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be
covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.

If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?

Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his
pitches are high and to the left.

If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building,
Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it
down over 3 years.

Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run
health care won't be?

No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is
costing the taxpayers.

When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary
tells a joke, it' the law.

Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst
possible way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.

Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string
and it never tells the same story twice.

Dan Quayle's new book is called Standing Firm. Shouldn't that be
the title of Clinton's book?

A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.

One thing's sure about Clinton-- he sure doesn't neglect domestic
affairs.

Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I
care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does."
[Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]

Clinton gives the term "going abroad" a whole new meaning.

Oxymoron of the year: Clinton character assassination.

BTW, can the Federal Trade Commision sue Bill Clinton for false
advertising? In particular, for using the title President Clinton?

Truman and Clinton "If Truman ever picked up a shot of whiskey, he
swallowed!"

Did ya'll know that President Clinton was a test tube baby. Just
goes to show that even before he was born, he wasn't worth a fuck!

I think that the US of A got the best of the latest deal with
China, the one where they traded Hillary Clinton for Harry Wu.

Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too
complicated for you.

Arsenio:
I heard that Harris [headed for the electric chair] was going to
imitate Bill Clinton... He wouldn't inhale...

Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:
When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the
Democrats, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their
nominee: Don't inhale.

]a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't ENOUGH to make it
look right.

"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death
never gets any worse" ... A Wise Man......

Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it
really is? "Socialism"

[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death
penalty at this point." -- Jay Leno

Re: Spy Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LIES
I'm waiting for "Penthouse Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LAYS".
Seems like a natural for The Great Fornicator.

After today's coroner's report we may learn that David Koresh
"smoked but didn't inhale"!

Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and
invest" democrat.

Subject: Clinton on Tailhook Affair.
After reading the investigation report Clinton remarked, "Maybe
draft dodging was not such a good idea!"

On the 4/23/93 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that
Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of
promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of
all of Reagan's and Bush's promises so he can start working on
breaking their promises too!

Reporter: Did you meet Satan during your 1992 campaign swing through
Georgia?
Clinton: No I didn't...inhell.

I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining
Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say
"Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no
offense to the President. Or her husband.

From The Simpsons, April, 1993
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were
+getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.

When Clinton was asked if his administration would have an abortion
bill, he replied "No, I've already paid it."

George Bush reminds many women of their husbands, on the other hand
Bill Clinton reminds many women why an increasing number of them are
staying single.

US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an
appeal to sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets
near a virgin...

Voice From White House] Sorry, but we just have to cut all our
- non-essential staff here
(voice revealed to be Hillary)
Hillary] So, Bill, I'll give you 'til 5 to get out!

Reporter 1] The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place
their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of
salvation!
Reporter 2] And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House

Slick Willie appoints his wife to chair health care reform and now
appoints yet another Kennedy to be, of all things, Ambassador to
Ireland. Who said nepotism in American government is dead?

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las
Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in
Washington the drunks are gambling with *our* money!

"A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver
for Attorney General: 'She knows how to handle aliens.'"

Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people
shout, "Taxi!"

I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they
have to put a governor on them!

My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes: Bill
Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!

Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the
same time, they never see each other.

George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if
Bill Clinton is elected president."

Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at
the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will
bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the
country."

Did you hear Hillary Clinton ate beans on Friday night so she could
take a bubble bath on Saturday?

Saw this on "In Living Color" last night:
Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody
Allen wouldn't touch her."

New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton:
Smell my lips.....No more Bush

Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits
*around* the White House.

About the porno film,
Slick Willie bl*** the country.

And a Perot Joke:
Doesn't Perot look like Radar 30 years later?

Hillary isn't just butt ugly, she's up-butt ugly!

Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job

Last night David Letterman mentioned that Gennifer Flowers is going
to do a "spread" in the December Penthouse magazine. He remarked that
it will be good, for once, to see something that a Presidential
candidate has done.

What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Bill
Clinton? Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.

From The Wall Street Journal, 11/19, page one (reprinted w/out permission)
"Reality Sets In: Clinton Advisors Find
Promises are Easier to Make Than Keep"
----
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in
Entitlement Programs / One Target: Big Corporations"

Hillary stopped using her maiden name when she found out from
Gennifer who the REAL Rodman was.

Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who
can't add?

A little publicized Grammy Award:
In the category, best new government artist
"Baby, Give it Back" by Sir Tax-a-Lot (William Jefferson Clinton)

Hospital sources report that Defense Secretary Les Aspin is having
a "change of heart" about gays in the military.

There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in
Washington.

CLINTONIA - any of a genus of herbs of the lily family with
yellow flowers on a naked stalk.

Clinton's pulled over on the highway, cop takes a look at his
license and unzips his fly, Clinton says "Oh no, not another
breathalyzer test"...

Little things get big, and big things get little...you make a boner,
y'know.-
President Bill Clinton
(Referring to the press coverage of
his $200 "Doo") (I *think*)

We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.

Bill: ``Guess what! I just heard that George and Washington aren't
husband and wife!''
Hillary: ``What difference does it make as long as they love each
other.''

Cabinet meeting...
Janet Reno: Good morning, Hillary!
Hillary Ramrod Clintor: mmmm! mmmm! (sticks her tongue out and
mumbles) Excuse me, I've got an erection.

Uncle Sam stop issuing seven-year bonds on Wednesday. (1993)
[ whistle ] [ whistle ]
Hint: It's a big, big hint from Uncle Sam :)

Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's
speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I
didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno

The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them
got elected President...

When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke... but when Hillary
tells a joke, it's the law.

[Re: Gennifer Flowers] It could be worse... Bill Clinton could be
caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man...

They say, ever since he met JFK as a kid, Bill Clinton wanted to be
President in the worst possible way... And he's succeeded beyond his
wildest dreams.

The trouble with Bill Clinton is that he approaches every issue
with an open mouth...

Election night...
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''

Reporter: ``Ms. Co-president, what are your views on capital punishment?''
Hillary: ``I like it when women are hung like men!''

Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble
is, medical care is a frill.

Two birds flying over the White House...
``Say, are you for Clinton?''
``Why not? He's for us!''

Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''

Chelsea asks Hillary: ``What did you have at the state dinner?''
H:``Some beef, some asparagus, and 7,374 green peas.''
C: ``Don't bullshit me, Mom, when did you count the peas?''
H: ``While your father was giving the speech.''

Chelsea asks Bill: ``Daddy, what's a Lesbian?''
``Ask Hillary, he'll show you.''

1994... What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed
your family --- YOU'RE HAPPY.

1996... Yeltsin asks Clinton: ``Bill, what's your hobby?''
C: ``I collect jokes about myself.''
Y: ``How many have you got already?''
C: ``Three concentration camps full!''

Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.

I understand Lee Iacocca has been consulted on the development of
Bill Clinton's new Presidential limousine: the Dodge Drafter.

]I am new to this e-mail thing, and I had a question. Is it a federal crime
to say "I AM GOING TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!" on Usenet?
Considering the incumbent president, I would have to say no.

Separate vacation plans? Hillary goes to Europe, Bill goes back to
Little Rock...

One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have
to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election
campaign...

Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's
draft dodging back?

Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind...
Whitewater Development

List of CLINTON's "first 100 days" Accomplishments:
+-------------------------------------------------+
| 1. |
+-------------------------------------------------+

Bill Clinton...a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.

All "the government will save you" politicians can seriously bite
me.

Jim McDougal
Would you buy a used governor from this man?

Bill Clinton is a president for our times, a truly composite
president. He has the hormones of John F. Kennedy, the scruples of
Richard Nixon and the memory of Ronald Reagan

]] I believe Paula Jones!
] I DO NOT.
But who can believe Bill?

I DONT TRUST PRESIDENT CLINTON
OR HER HUSBAND......
CANT WAIT TO SEE PRESIDENT CLINTONS FACE ON A MILK CARTON.

"Looks like it's amateur night in the White House again."
- John McCain, Arizona Senator in reference to
the Clinton administration's foreign policy.

"Impeach Clinton and her husband..."
- Rush "I'm laughing my way to the bank" Limbaugh
"I want to use Hillary's commodity investor..."
- Me

The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as Stupid does.

Headline: Arkansas Executes 3 (late July, 1994)
Comment: ...what was Chelsea guilty of?

Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.

OBHCJ (Obligatory Health Care Joke):
HMO commercial, and the doctor is saying "I practice with
an HMO, and that helps me give better care to my patients."
If I had an unlimited supply of patients to practice on,
I could probably get pretty good, too.

In political intercourse, only the taxpayers get screwed!

Heard this on the Arlene Violet radio show on WHJJ, Providence.
Regarding Clinton's bungled attempt to end the baseball strike:
This may be the first opening day in history when baseball throws
out the President!

Reminds me of the skit the Statler Brothers did on their TNN show earlier
this season...
Don: Who did you vote for last election?
Harold: I voted for Eisenhower
Don: Eisenhower wasn't running last year
Harold: Neither was Hillary, but she's running the country

Bill Clinton Virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.

They say "Socks" (the White House cat) is a neutered male. (That
makes TWO guys in the White House who don't have any balls!)

(This appeared in Argus Hamilton's column in The Daily Oklahoman,
October 11.)
A new sex survey released showed that 80% of men remain faithful to
their wives.
President Clinton was upset -- just ONCE he's like a poll to go his way.

November 1, 1994
Hamas has just today claimed credit for an incredible act of
terrorism targetted against all U.S. Citizens.
They did not even try to kill Bill Clinton on his Mideast trip.

(Heard on KEX, a radio station here in Portland, Or.)
Bill Clinton's popularity has been declining. In fact Paula Jones
now claims she never met the guy.

ObJoke: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
-Nothing...yet...

[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are
washing up on the shores of Cuba.

"He (Bill Clinton) is the Willy Loman of Generation X, a traveling
salesman who has the loyalty of a lizard with his tail broken off and
the midnight tastes of a man who'd double date with the Rev. Jimmy
Swaggart"
Hunter S. Thompson

Clinton said he fired Elders because she lectured him on how to
*handle* his sexuality ...

Tom Swiftie:
"I'm in complete control here," Bill Clinton said hilariously.

Book Deals The Democrats Are Working On
"The Eye Brows Have It" by Jim Wright. Discusses how people( Wright
and Breshneff) with bushy eye brows almost ruled the world.
"Cows , Kids , Doctors and Real Estate , How to Grow Rich and
Powerful in the Future " By Hillery Roddam. Forward by Vince Foster.
"Bill and Edwards Excellent After Hours Adventures" By Bill Clinton
and Ted Kennedy. From Senate Sleep overs to Water Sports , Bill and
Ted show you a side of Washington 's night life you've never seen
before.
"A Mouthful of Washington" by Barney Frank
"The Longest Day" by David Bonyard . Mr. Bonyard accounts his
battle plans for destroying the Republican Contract on it's opening
day.
"Gee Your Feet Stink" Henry B. Gonzalez talks about his pervious
job as a shoe salesman.
"Dead On Arrival" by George Mitchel. Talks about Bush's budgets

And you didn't think Al Gore was funny.
We all know about Whitewater and the alleged shredding of
documents. On Sunday (3/6) Al responded to an interviewer's question
about evidence:
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every
shred of evidence they have."
^^^^^

|] President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.

Overheard at a recent press conference, Mr. Clinton gave spot
analysis on the world's trouble areas: Beirut- "Not a bad ball player,
but Hank Aaron hit more homers. Red China- "It looks great with a
white table cloth."

The Clinton Health Plan is the:
Simplicity of the IRS.
Efficiency of the Post Office.
Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture
Results of rent control.

The definition of "Elixir":
1. A cure-all; a medicine
2. How Bill Clinton screens nurses for his health care reform.

How about:
Is the Pope catholic?
Does Windows have bugs?
Does Clinton lie?

There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes 1
time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved
every minute. (I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way
on adultery.)

Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled
reference to Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP
debate; also after joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):
All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's
the new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew
Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no
Thomas Jefferson.

George Bush:
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the
blues."

Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"

Study of health care delivery systems around the world
reveals that
Socialized medicine gives you AIDS.
Commercial medicine charges for it.
[Background: AIDS-infected orphans in Ceaucescu's Romania,
an overdue-for-bankruptcy German vendor skimping on AIDS screening,
etc. etc. etc. Timor mortis conturbat me.]

When asked about his complete economic plan, Clinton said that
Socks ate it.

--- SECTION: Acronyms, nicknames, etc:
CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation
CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation
CLINTON = Clearly Loose Internal Navigation Techniques Occupy
Never-Neverland
Clinton == Compulsive Liar Is Nations Top Official Now
HILLARY: highly inexperienced left-liberal academic righteous yuppies!
GORE = Gennifer's Only Remaining Enterprise
GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology
EARTH DAY = Ecological Alarmism Retold To Hysterical Dopes And Youngsters
GORE = Great One Regulating Everything

Spelling correction
Diane Feinstein = definite insane

Hillary nicknames:
Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun

Clinton Nicknames:
McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we'll be paying for years.
Commander-in-thief
Wilhelm Von TaxUndSpendenHeim
Bilhelm Von Bubbastein
Wilhelm Von KleinerStein (Lil' Rock Ark. in German!)
Hillary Rodham
One-term-Willy-Nilly
the Great Pretender
Bilhelm HotAirenHof
Willy the Weasel

Clinton/Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!

What does "BTU" stand for?
-Buy Thermal Underwear
-Big Time Unemployment
-Bill's Tax Utopia

Really really short modern bestsellers:
Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
Clinton Policies that actually save money
The Logic of the Politically Correct
History of the Countries where Socialism worked
Good Points of Clinton's Health Program
Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
The Differences Between the PC Movement and McCarthyism
"The Submissive Woman" by Hillary (Rodham) Clinton.
"Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton.
Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy
"Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace
"Deep-Thinking Liberals"
"The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech"
"Why Political Correctness is not Censorship"
"The Merits of Gun Control"
"Feminists Worth Marrying"
"How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" - by various socialists
"To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton
Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton
Our Sex Life Since Gennifer Flowers - by Hillary Clinton
The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill

--- SECTION: Longer Clinton Jokes

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily
constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see
him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he
asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making
George Bush?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to
make Bill Clinton."

Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's
president. In order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to
go baby-kissing and flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and
Arkansas. There, he encountered a strange fellow working at a gas
station, a common man if there ever was one.
"Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president,"
said Gov. Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake.
"That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've
done great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man
enthusiastically.
The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake
your hand, I can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand
if you cross the highway with me."
Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the
highway with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man
vigorously shook the Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the
man, "Why is it that I may shake your hand only after crossing the
highway with you?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there
was Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob
touching is legal only in Arkansas."

Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice
President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that
they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and
informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They
are lead by St Peter to a tremendous thrown room. The Supreme Being,
of course, is seated upon the thrown.
"And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President.
"I am Albert Gore Jr, Vice President of the United States of America".
"Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. Love your work.
Come sit on my left. And you there, who are you?"
"Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the
United States."
"Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult
issues. Come sit on my right. Now, who might you be?"
"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU are sitting in MY seat."

Clinton was also asked to explain a remark he made to Russian
President Boris Yeltsin at their April 3-4 summit. He reportedly said,
"When the Japanese say yes to us, the often mean no."
During a picture-taking session in the Oval Office, Miyazawa
attempted to defuse the situation by jokingly pointing out that
"every language has its own peculiarity."
Smiling, Clinton told the news conference, "I don't know what I
meant anymore."
Gee, anyone think that sounds like something that our revered and
honored prez would say?

UPI - NEWS FLASH!
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former
Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a
fierce civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is
strongly in favor of diversity.

In a NBC Evening News report on the homosexual march on Washington
this weekend, one lady (Dee Mosbacher?) commented on the President's
unwillingness to march with the homosexuals.
"I think," she said, "if a million saxophone players showed up
outside the White House, he'd go out there and blow a few notes."
Maybe the group was just expecting too much..

Clinton's riding a horse, and hears someone shout "Hey, look at the
prick on that horse!" When he gets home, he takes a look & sees he's
been riding a mare.

Hillary's right-hand man, who got her the nomination in 1992 & was
governor for a long time, was a dope-smoking man named Bill Clinton.
One night, a burglar broke into the White House & surprised Hillary in
bed. Brandishing a gun, he told Hillary to put her head under the
covers & not make a sound. Hillary scrunched down, but that made her
ass stick out the side. The burglar said "That goes for you too,
Bill!"

Captain Kirk and an away team down to Earth after going through a
time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle
of Clinton's inaugural ball. They look around, and Kirk says;
"Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and
was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the
Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get
red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."

Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her
step. "My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so happy?"
"I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said I
had the breasts of a 25 year old woman, " Hillary gushed.
"Did he say anything about your 46 year old ass?" Bill asked.
"No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."

During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got
pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion.
Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would
insist that she have the baby.
Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at the
time!"

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of
Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this
and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the price is a
little high so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted and turns away
and Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as
luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come
down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her "Five!"
No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into
shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy
part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill
and Hillary together and yells "See what you get for five dollars!"

In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein
was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the
U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.

President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia,
and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare
Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his
binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where
are our troops?" An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not
Somalia. It's Arkansas."

Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little
boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, 'this is a great
press opportunity' so she has her driver pull over. She gets out to
talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little puppies in
the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says
'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!' Of course Hillary is extremely
pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to
McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he
should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him.
Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells
the little boy 'what nice puppies those are!' The boy says, 'Thank
you sir. They're Republicans!' 'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary
told me that they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir, but now
their eyes are open!'

Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping in on
local McDonalds the McD's national management has announced a
commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you
get it, the price has doubled, and it's got half the meat.

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a
false sense of security while being screwed.

If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to
have an air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he
can have it both ways.

So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex
life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer
Flowers a couple of times... ...but he didn't come.

They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of
Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like
to thank the governor for wearing a condom."

It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID
inhale. Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer
Flowers, Clinton would have picked Gary Hart instead.

From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had
been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your
wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share
with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your
way out of that pickle?

Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new
allegations of misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the
popular "Where's Waldo" puzzles noted a striking resemblance while
examining the bare-breasted woman depicted frolicking in the water
with an as-yet-unidentified man. Clinton denies that he has ever met
the woman, and says he was with Waldo the whole time.

I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during
the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice
to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed.

Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be
the first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really*
enjoy political humor...

Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and not
speak a single word for the next couple days. Guess this means he'll
have to contradict himself in mime...

President-Elect Clinton promises to make the administration more
representative of the population. Well, I think he should consider
making Millie the Dog Secretary of State. After all, President Bush
recommends her highly "knows more about international relations than
those two bozos combined.." and after all, how many dogs have been
appointed Secretary of anything?
And finally, the way things are going to be under Clinton, we won't
have any stature as a superpower any more, so we might as well have a
Secretary of State that barks if someone breaks in.

I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates
meeting with the Wizard of Oz. First, President Bush went to see the
Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I
wish to have a Heart". So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm
unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a
Brain". The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack
conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at
him, and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied,
"I'm here for Dorothy!"

Those who say the Gang of Four in China are dead have been proven
wrong by the presence of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Foley,
Richard Gephardt, and George Mitchell together in Little Rock last
night. Let's hope there is no conservative student rally in Lafayette
Park or they will send in the only tank of the U.S. Army on them.

This is a true fact. Shortly before Bill Clinton took the
inaugural oath of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty
Python.
If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forebode
an interesting four years. Alternate theory: some undergraduates from
Caltech swapped the band's sheet music.

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important
military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev
invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced
with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry,
followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had
mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and
throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons
of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical
and strategic bombers.
Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was
suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the
parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits
tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he
asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men
can do?"

I just heard that Bill Clinton visited the White House a couple of
days ago and got quite a surprise. I guess he was jogging one morning
and saw that someone had written "Clinton Sucks!" in the snow (you
know, yellow snow?). Anyway, Clinton was furious and ordered an
investigation. And so after the investigation was completed Clinton
demanded the results. The head of the Secret Service said "Well Sir,
we have a problem. We did tests on the urine and determined that it
belonged to Jesse Jackson, but that's not the problem. The problem is
that it is Hillary's handwriting!"

LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton
lost his voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas
greenery at the Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts
up with the allergies to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine
garlands and mistletoe," but he was surprised they bothered him
because he doesn't inhale. An aide said the allergies are "nothing to
worry about," they just make the president-elect stuffed up and
irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something like
"I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could
negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he
loses his voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an
internationally understandable set of gestures," in case he has to
negotiate when he is totally voiceless and cranky.
In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there
is mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool,
near the women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile
dashboard.

Well, we're now a week into the Clinton administration, and the
problems of the nation have been solved. Taxes on the middle class
have been cut. President Clinton has taken a stance against waste and
ordered a 10% across-the-board cut in government spending, and a
national health care plan has been put together to provide basic
medical services at a reasonable cost, one which will be competitive
with commercial insurers.
Ha ha, only kidding....
Actually, Mr. Slick has barely figured out how to operate the desk
phone in the oval office, and the feces are striking the ventilation
equipment with a rhythm that might make for a good rap tune. The
leaders of the Senate - folks like Dan Moynihan and Sam Nunn (both
democrats, BTW) are looking downright embarrassed at the simultaneous
display of supreme arrogance and ignorance that seems to characterize
the Clinton administration. Republican house members are being
uncharacteristically quiet - perhaps just letting Mr. Slick select his
rope?
(Another possibility is that we will see a congress and senate that
will realize that they basically have a loose cannon in the White
House, and do their best to minimize the damage. And the thought of
Congress being more responsible than the president is
Scary. Stock-up-on-ammunition- and-canned-goods type of Scary.)
Taxes: Better get out the Vaseline, folks: That 4% tax increase
that was only going to apply to people making over $200k looks like it
might actually be 8%, and the folks making less than half that $200k
figure are getting ready for a "regrettable necessity" announcement
expected in the next couple of months. The latest estimate is that, if
he wants to provide any cut, even to the absolute lowest brackets,
he's going to have to start boosting taxes at a family income of about
$50k. Oh, and everybody better get used to paying more for gas: Al
Gore (who has done something remarkable by making Dan Quayle look like
a model of sophistication and intellect) has discovered oxygenated
gas. Even though it's been proved irrefutably that this has no
measurable benefit (and, in fact, several drawbacks - one of them
being a significantly higher cost). Oh, and you're going to be getting
slapped with an Energy Tax, but poor folks might be entitled to a
rebate from an agency whose existence will be paid for with the gas
tax, and whose sole purpose will be to administer the collection and
disbursement of energy taxes. Latest news is that, even with the
worst-case tax increases, Clinton's health plan will end up gobbling
up more money than his spending cuts and tax increases will raise, and
boost the deficit just a teensy, weensy bit. Say a couple hundred
billion or so. And that's from the democratic spin doctors, who are
making a valiant effort at damage control, so you can be pretty sure
that the Actual Mileage Will Probably Be Lower.
I can sense a feeling in America, something like that of a drunk
waking up on Saturday morning, going "oh God, what did I do?" Well,
folks, a couple of Tylenol ain't even going to touch the headache that
Slick "Night Train" Clinton is going to give you! When Clinton was
elected, I hoped that I'd be able to get a few laughs at his spastic
attempts to manage the country - but what I'm presented with, reading
the paper every day, is an embarrassment of riches. The man makes
George Bush look like a distinguished elder statesman.

There's also Chelsea's "rash" comment: She needed medication at
Sidwell Friends, and the nurse couldn't give her any medication
without having contacted the parents. Chelsea said something like, "Oh
that's okay. My mom's been pretty busy lately. Better call my dad."

I've heard there's a new programming language out from University
of Tennessee. It's called Algor.
There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal
and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since
it won't allow you to alter the operating environment.
Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years.

Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no
one's been screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT
incorrectly when he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..."

Health care costs rise uncontrollably. In England, they have begun
rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting
lists for certain services. In fact, they now have a nine month
waiting list for abortions.

Hillary Clinton is NOT running the country. Eleanor Roosevelt is
:-) (If case you don't know, Hillary has admitted to having private,
imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt)

"Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White
House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time Mr. Clinton has
given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked her to try on first..."

Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a Gas
station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed like a
typical grease-jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High School with
you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had
married him you wouldn't be married to the President".
Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President."

Dateline: Washington, DC February 26, 1993
When questioned by reporters shortly after the World Trade Center
terrorist bomb exploded, the President responded, "If Congress will
just pass the Brady Bill, I'll sign it." Mr. Clinton further said,
"If the passage of this much needed legislation had not been
obstructed by the National Rifle Association, this senseless tragedy
would not have occurred, because there would have been a mandatory
seven day waiting period in place before this assault-type car bomb
could have been used." In closing, Mr. Clinton said, "I urge Congress
to break the gridlock and act today to prevent further atrocities of
this kind from occurring."

The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of
taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when
somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to
have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.

"I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to
McDonald's, had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple
months ago, and then took some money from some average middle-class
citizens."

A condom manufacturer, trying to capitalize on the popularity (?)
of President Bill Clinton, is introducing a new line of condoms called
the "Slick Willie."

Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote
jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run. "No", she
said,"not now, not until '96."

Bill and Hillary were sitting in the bleachers, waiting for a
baseball game to start. A row of secret service agents sat behind
them and one leaned forward to whisper into Bill's ear. Bill turned
around, shrugged at the agent, then lifted Hillary by the scruff of
the neck and the seat of the pants and tossed her out onto the field.
She bounced a couple of times and started screaming her head off.
Bill was surprised and turned to the secret service guy for help. The
agent just shook his head and said "No, no Mr. President. I said
'throw out the first *pitch*'!"

$100 bill sitting on the floor in the middle of a room, there are
three people in the room: a Clinton Administration official who tells
the truth, a Clinton Administration official who always lies, and the
Tooth Fairy. Lights go out, then come back on again; the $100 bill is
gone. Who took it? The Clinton Administration official who always
lies, coz the other two don't exist!!!

After World War II, many of the Western Europeans started playing
around with socialism. That was really stupid. The French, for
example, are just beginning to come to their senses.
Norway... Sweden... Denmark... SHEE-YAW... well that goes without
saying...
Now we have the newly elected Clinton Regime... Walking into a
wall is not intelligent... But walking into a wall when you saw the
guy in front of you do it... That is just plain idiotic!

GRIDLOCK (n), term denoting Congressional resistance to the
President's agenda. This term may be used ONLY when Clinton's agenda
is opposed by Congressional Republicans (i.e., Bob Dole, R-KS). Not
to be confused with "meaningful debate" or "healthy disagreement", an
identical situation that exists when the President's agenda is stymied
by Congressional Democrats (i.e., Dave Boren, D-OK).

After an intensive study of the president's personal life, it has
been determined that he is not a heterosexual, a bisexual, or even a
homosexual.
He is suffering from the rare infliction of egosexual since he is
constantly screwing himself.

As you know, there were many candidates for National Bird. Franklin
favored the wild turkey which is a tough resourceful bird, totally
unlike the butterball thing you buy at Thanksgiving. Others favored
the American Bald Eagle because it looked fierce and noble.
Bill Clinton's choice for National Bird, is the Yellow Bellied Sap
Sucker. Co-President Rodhams choice is either the Shrike (the female
of which, castrates its mate after coupling, [Watch your balls,
Bill!]) or the Harpie which is a kind of vulture. Harpies were the
birds that tore out Prometheus' liver because he had the temerity to
bring down fire from the Home of the Gods.
Labor Secretary Reich's choice is the miniature budgie, a
diminutive bird that talks much and says little. Ms. Reno's choice is
no doubt the Jail Bird.

The Liberal Media have only been telling part of the haircut story,
my conservative friends.
It seems that while Bill was getting his haircut, he also got a
manicure. Actually, being a country boy and all, Bill did know for
sure what a manicure was a first, but the manicurist was a beautiful
woman wearing a very revealing low-cut blouse. So he sat quietly and
enjoyed the view.
Just as the haircut was done, the manicurist was finishing up, and
looked up and asked Bill: "Do you want your cuticles push back?"
"Aww no, that's OK", replied Bill, "it'll be all right when I stand
up."

[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the
death penalty at this point." -- Jay Leno

Rumor has it that President Clinton is considering starting a new
career as a book wholesaler. He is said to be especially interested in
the former best-seller, "The Peter Principle". Even his harshest
critics think that Mr. Bill may be on to something this time.

Al Gore's daughters were overheard at Take-your-Daughter-to-Work-Day
complaining that they were bored and demanded to go back to school

Clinton on his hundredth day in office said he's done a lot but
still has a lot farther to go. That's right, he hasn't broken all his
campaign promises yet"

President Clinton's latest trial balloon is that he wants to create
a new trust fund. The plan is that all money raised by new taxes would
go into this fund and that all the money in this fund would go toward
paying off the national debt. One of Clinton's advisors has reportedly
been fired for suggesting that this new fund be named "Social Security
#2".

Looks, though, Mr. Clinton's threat to scatter US Post Offices and
postal workers around in Serbia and Bosnia has brought a truce to the
area.

Bill Clinton goes to a hair stylist.
"Good morning Mr. President, what are you going to do about Bosnia?"
"I'm here to have my hair cut, what the f--- do you care about Bosnia?"
"I don't care a f--- about Bosnia, dahling, but it's easier to cut
your hair when it stands on end."

Bill asks a page girl out. Her response: "Mr. President, if you
can raise my skirt as high as you're hiked our taxes, if you can get
your dick as hard as you've made our lives hard, if you can screw me
like you've screwed the American people, then I'll go out with you!"

A Washington woman calls 911: "There's a Republican standing
outside my window, masturbating!"
"Lady, how do you know he's a Republican?"
"If he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!"

Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no
steering wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have
nowhere to turn.

The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and
Hillary's faces on them... But test marketing showed that the
customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.

Clinton is shaking hands with voters.
"Pleased to meet you," says one old man, "I've heard a lot about
you."
Clinton laughs: "But you can't prove any of it!"

Bill Clinton's is addressing a gathering.
"We've got to tighten our belts..."
The audience is clapping.
"We've got to make sacrifices..."
The audience goes wild.
"Things will get much worse before they get better..."
Audience: "Thank you, Mr. President!" "That's good for the
business!" Bill is flabbergasted. "I'm trying to tax all the
business out of business, what the hell are you telling me that I'm
doing something that's good for your business? Where am I at,
anyway?"
Aide: "At the undertakers' convention!"

Preelection voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat
activists are walking through the local cemetery, copying the names
off the tombstones. They come across an old tombstone so covered with
dirt and moss that they can't make out the name. "Let's skip this
one," says one. "Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill
Clinton as anyone else lying in this cemetery."

Ballot counting an Arkansas... Among the thousands of Clinton
ballots, they see a single Bush ballot. "Put it aside," says the
chief counter. A few hours later they see another Bush ballot. The
chief smiles: "Just as I thought, the Republican bastard has voted
twice! Annul both his votes."

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the
Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one
life preserver jacket. Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic
thing... Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each
write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush
and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are
flying aboard Air Force 1. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred
dollar bill out the window and make someone happy." Hillary: "Why
don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten
people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me
and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and
make everybody else happy."

A man goes in a bar in Montana. He is watching TV over the bar and
Bill Clinton comes on. He says out loud to no one in particular, "If
that guy isn't the biggest horses ass I have ever seen, I don't know
who is". A big cowboy comes down the bar and knocks him off his
stool. He got back up and started watching TV again. This time
Hillary comes on. He says again out loud, "I thought Bill was bad the
Hillary is definately the Biggest Horses Ass in the world!" Another
cowboy comes from the other end and knockes him off his stool. The
guy is perplexed. He gets back on his stool and says to the
bartended. "Excuse me, I thought I was in a pretty conservative
state. Where am I? Clinton country?" "No" the bartender said.
"Sir, you're in horse country!".

An aide brings Clinton the results of the latest public opinion
poll. "The American public thinks..." Clinton interrupts: "When I
want to know what the American public thinks, I'll ask myself!"

Heckler: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests
control you?"
Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"

Clinton is giving a speech. A member of the audience wakes up
momentarily to ask: "Hasn't he finished yet?"
A neighbor replies: "He's finished an hour ago, but he hasn't stopped."
"What's he talking about, anyway?"
"Dunno, he didn't get there yet."

Clinton gives a 3-hour speech. After the speech he kicks an aide on
the shin: "This was supposed to be a 1-hour speech!"
"Mr. President, you've read the original and 2 Xerox copies!"

Yeltsin visits Washington, DC. Clinton is giving a speech:
"Dear President Mitterand! Hillary and I are delighted..."
An aide tugs his sleeve: "This is President Yeltsin!"
"I can see that, but the teleprompter says `Mitterand'!".

Little Chelsea walks into the bathroom while Bill Clinton is taking
a shower. She points to his penis and asks: "Daddy, what's that
for?" Bill grins: "Wait till your mother goes out to a cabinet
meeting, and you'll find out."

Chelsea comes comes to Hillary and announces that she has lost her
virginity. "You were a little to old for this," says Hillary, "but
did you at least enjoy it?"
"The first five congressmen were fun, but then my pussy got real
tired."

Chelsea is entertaining a boyfriend in her White House quarters. At
some point she unzips his fly, bends down, and starts sucking his
cock. When he comes, she timidly asks: "Did you like it?" "I liked
it an awful lot, but I'd never guess that you too are gay!"

Nation-building kit, size small, slightly used. Has new water pump
and security option. Unfortunately my wife wants me to get rid of it
since we have other things to spend the money on. Best offer.
Contact ***@whitehouse.gov.

During Desert Shield, President Bush made a holiday visit to the
mideast to visit the troops.
Wonder if Commander-in-Chief Clinton plans on making a trip to
Somalia this Thanksgiving? They could have all the press out on the
beach when he wades ashore, wonderful photo opportunity. Then they
could get pictures of him leading a protest against the imperialist
yankee military and burning an American flag. Of course, all that
would make him hungry. Do they have a McDonalds there, I wonder..?

Secretary of State Warren Cristopher, on Meet the Press Sunday
morning, was asked if the Clinton administration ruled out sending
more troops into combat to arrest Somalia warlords. He replied,
"we're not ruling anything out, but the focus is on a political
solution."

Bill Clinton walks into a marital aids store and says to the
proprietor: "I want Hillary to fuck me in the ass with a dlido! I want
the biggest dildo you've got!"
"Yes, Mr. President, here's a 10-inch white dildo for $60."
"It's not big enough!"
"Here's a deluxe 13" 15-speed black dildo for $80."
"It's not big enough! How much is this 18" plaid dildo in your desk?"
"$120, Mr. President."
"I'll take it!"
As soon as Bill walks out the door, the proprietor starts calling
his friends: "Guess what! Bill Clinton just came in and bought my
thermos!"

Clinton is merely doing for gays in the military what Hilary has
done for Bozos in the White House: as long as she doesn't *tell*
anyone she's the President, she can continue to *be* the President.

What with scientists wanting to exhume Abraham Lincoln's remains
and analyze his DNA to determine whether he had Marfan's Syndrome, why
not dig up and clone a whole set of presidents? Then Disneyland could
have a real Abe Lincoln instead of a crummy robot...
As the National Park Service has discovered, presidents are a great
tourist attraction. Presidential Park could be established somewhere
in the vicinity of Mt. Rushmore...
Of course, unpredictable things might happen if they couldn't get a
complete DNA sequence for Eleanor Roosevelt and had to fill the gaps
with donations from Hillary Clinton...!

Well, after the PLO's and Israel shook hands and said that
everything was "hunky-dory", Clinton invited the Israeli Prime
Minister back to the oval office. The Prime Minister looked at
Clinton's desk and noticed that he had three phones: a black one, a
red one, and a white one. The Prime Minister asked, "What is the red
phone for?" Clinton said, "It's a direct line to Russia. Got to keep
up with Yeltsin." Then the Prime Minister asked, "What's the white
one for, then?" Clinton said, "That's a direct line to God. Did you
know that it's a $5,000,000 a minute phone call to him?" The Prime
Minister just nodded and went on with the tour.
Weeks later, Clinton took a secret trip to Israel and toured the
Prime Minister's office. He noticed that the Prime Minister had three
phones just like his. He asked, "What's the red phone for?" The
Prime minister replied, "It's a direct line to Russia." Clinton
nodded and then asked, "What's the white one for?" The Prime Minister
replied, "It's a direct line to God." Clinton said, "How can a poor
country like yours afford that expensive phone call?" The Prime
Minister said, "Oh, well, here it's local."

(True)
The Internet Multicasting Service was scheduled to demonstrate
Internet mail etc. on the White House lawn yesterday (October 21,
1993) but at the last minute was told there would be no electrical
power available. Making the best of it, Carl Malamud said:
"We're pleased to announce that the White House demonstration we
were planning, though slightly changed in execution from our original
goals, made a form of technical history. Though our project proposal
was approved for Internet connectivity, some slight logistical
misunderstandings resulted in a decision by White House staff that no
power would be available to any of the vendors, making operation of
our computers a real challenge.
We went ahead and made sure that our configuration would work both
with and without power in our facilities and at other remote sites.
The system worked beautifully but, due to the no-power requirement,
during our actual installation we reverted to Plan B and installed the
world's first Powerless LAN (pLAN).
We're pleased to report that this pLAN worked and implementation
was flawless. The boxes sat on the table and were able to do
everything you would expect out of a computer with the power switched
off. At this level of functionality, we successfully demonstrated
interoperability between machines from Sun Microsystems, Persoft,
Intel, Hewlett Packard, and many other leading firms in the computer
and communications industries."

Boy walks up to girl and says "I'm so bright my father calls me
SUN!" Humoriously impaired girl (blonde?) thinks this is Hillaryious
(Rodham Clintinous) so the next person she sees she says " I'm so
bright my mother calls me DAUGHTER"

(Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office)
Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be
sent to ***@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President
should be addressed to vice-***@whitehouse.gov. However, most
people don't realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed
to ***@whitehouse.gov.

On Tuesday, October 12, President Bill Clinton gave the keynote
address at a celebration of University of North Carolina's 200th
anniversary. Friendly Pawn in nearby Durham, NC displayed the
following sign:
Welcome Pres. Clinton
Ammo 50% off

There was a game show on T.V every week, in which a Special guest
had 10 questions to discover what the mystery item was.
So one week the host introduces the special guest and it's none
other than Hillary Clinton. The audience are delighted as the host
sits Hillary down on a chair and blindfolds her. Then just before he
pulls back the curtain on this weeks mystery item, he take a look at
what it is, 'cos he didn't even know himself. He nearly dies of
embarrasement when he sees it's a 'horses cock'. Thinking quickly he
decides to go ahead since it's a live show. So he draw back the
curtain and the audience cracks up laughing.
So the host say to Hillary, "Can we have your first question".
Hillary replies " Could you eat it? "
And the host mumbles a bit and says " Eh well, I eh suppose you
could" The host then says " And what's your next question Hillary?"
Hillary replies " It wouldn't happen to be a horses cock would it???"

This guy goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks
at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why
there are no hands. The sales clerk says - "you are suppose to read
his lips". He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and
notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it
doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run................." He then
notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs,
has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk
how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus
tax, plus tax, plus tax........................."

The White Houses recent embarassment regarding cabinet nominations,
specifically dealing with Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, and most recently,
Bobby Ray Inman, all of whom failed to pay delinquint Social Security
taxes until nominated, has given President Clinton an idea for filling
the nations coffers.

Starting next week the IRS will begin nominating everybody who owes
back taxes to U.S. cabinet posts. If it works then they may even
fight organized crime by offering Senate seats to mafia bosses.

The Clinton administration announced today that if North Korea will
voluntarily turn in its nuclear bombs, we will send them a certificate
for $100 worth of toys or sneakers.

Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator.
Hillary grabs the STOP button and pulls it out, stranding the pair
between floors. She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor
and says "Rush, make me feel like a _woman_!"
Rush strips off HIS clothes, throws them to the floor, and says
"Fold those."

The Clintons and the Gores were very stressed out and decided to
rest at Camp David. That night they were all sitting around the fire,
Hillary then suggested that night they should partner switch. The
others were very reluctant, but Hillary talked them into it.
The next morning Hillary was at the table, reading the newspaper,
when Bill came down. Bill got a glass of juice out of the frig and
asked Hill how was the night? She said it was the best night she had
ever had and that she had 20 orgasms. Bill's face fell. Hillary,
after going into detail with Bill finally asked, "Oh, how was your
night with Al?"

What was Clinton's biggest mistake about the Whitewater scandal?
He should have hired Oliver North as his aid de camp for shredding
documents.

Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna burn that?"
Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Attagirl!"
Did you hear what Jocelyn Elders said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Be sure you put a condom on that."
Did you hear what Vince Foster said to Lorena Bobbitt??
"HELLLLLLP! Get me outta here!!"
Did you hear what Eleanor Roosevelt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"As I was telling Hillary the other day, ..."
Did you hear what Bill Clinton said to Lorena Bobbit?
"Next time you're up in DC..."
Did you hear what John Bobbitt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"NOOOOOOO! OWWWWWWWW!!! OHHH,SHITT!! NOOOOO!
YOU CRAZY BITCH!!! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!"

Hillary Clinton is in fact a stage name. Hillary is an adaptation
of "Hillarious", which was Ms. Clinton's stage name when she was in
Vauderville, KY, doing late night comedy stick. Likewise Billary is a
stagename. Ms. Clinton's real (maiden) name was Jilliary Rodham.
All this can be found in Sedra & Fairchilds' _Presidential Trivia_
(ISDN: 284-9813-094, Harcourt, Brace, Jahovawitness).

S N O O Z E W E E K
-WASHINGTON, D.C. -- White House security officials were shocked this
morning to discover that many of the famed cherry trees that abound in
our nation's capital had been felled by a mysterious axeman. The
mystery lumberjack was identified when Secret Service agents found
President Bill Clinton, budget axe in hand, hard at work; he reported
that "I cannot tell a lie, Bush and Reagan did it."

"Webster Hubbell, you've just been accused of overbilling customers
while you worked at the Rose Law Firm in Little Rock, and now you're
quitting, in disgrace, your job as Assistant Attorney General. What
are you going to do now?"
"I'm going to the G7 Jobs Conference in Deeetroit City.."

] GO (A Chinese and Japanese board game) is a lousy game. It is boring
]and exhausting. All pieces (stones) are identical, showing oriental
]culture does not tolerate individuality. The result is either win or
]lose and there is no draw, indicating oriental culture does not
]advocate compromise. No physical representation is assigned to any
]piece, implying oriental people have no personality.
] Yeh, there is a Chinese chess. But that was brought from India and
]Chinese made some changes into it. A pawn can not be promoted and
]Queen is missing from action. Chinese do not respect small-time nobody
]and discriminate against women. They count cannon in as a chessman
]because they love more violence. They replace bishop with prime
]minister because they believe in power than free thinking. Finally
]they create two guards for their general or marshall since they are
]more scared and they are real "paper tigers".
] (There is no King in Chinese chess, the purpose of the game is to
]catch the general or the marshall)
Chess, an Occidental bored;-) game is a lousy game. It's too simple
and doesn't need to much brain. Different pieces are given different
power and ability, showing the Anglo passion for class. Unlike the Go,
as the game progresses, pieces are killed and less pieces are left
than the opening of the game, implying the Occidental culture's
preference for destruction. Whereas in Go, more pieces exist than the
opening, and all pieces eventually coexist in an integrated way,
showing that Oriental culture prefers peace and harmony. Besides, the
black square bishop can not move into white squares indicating the
Occidentals have always been promoting aparthied. However, there is
something good about Chess, the king has to depend on his wife for
strength, a justification for the Americans' choice of Bill Clinton as
their president.

Okay, so Clinton's walking this dog around the White House lawn,
right? He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says
"Mr. President, is that a new dog?"
Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."
The marine specs the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Good
trade."

A liberal will let a few people cheat the system to make sure that
nobody goes hungry. A conservative will let a few people go hungry to
make sure nobody cheats the system.
After hearing how Hillary made $99,000.00 profit trading livestock
futures (on a $1,000 investment), I'm surprised no liberals have
figured out how to take advantage of this.
Just give Hillary the whole GNP and let her invest it in livestock
futures. Then use the profits to pay for the Clinton health care
plan.

The Clintons are certainly running a rock and roll presidency! It
ain't workin', Hilary wants our money for nothin' and Bill wants his
chicks for free!

You all know that many men name their penii because they don't want
perfect strangers making 90% of their decisions.
Ted Kennedy has a name for his: "Quick Dick", for obvious reasons.
Because he uses it so much, its often tender, so he had a leather
sleeve, or chaps made for it when he's not using it.
He calls it his Chap-a-Quick-Dick.

The other day Hillary asked Bill to get a vasectomy. So he went to
his doctor and said "Doc, I'd like a vasectomy". His doc looked at him
and turned in suprise saying "You don't need me. You can do it
yourself. All you have to do is roll up a newspaper, put a little
firecracker, put it next to your ear in it and count to 10"
Bill looked at him wryly and said "I think I want a 2nd opinion.
The next day he goes to another doctor and says "Doc, I'd like a
vasectomy". His doc looked at him and turned in suprise saying "You
don't need me. You can do it yourself. All you have to do is roll up
a newspaper, put a little firecracker in it, put it next to your ear
and count to 10".
Bill tells him "I think I'm gonna go home and sleep on this one.
He wakes up the next morning and thinks he'll give it a try. After
all, 2 doctors said it would work.
He rolls up the newspaper, puts in the litle firecracker, puts it
next to his ear and starts to count with his fingers, 1,2,3,4,5, looks
frantically around for more finger, puts the rolled up newspaper
between his legs, 6,7,8,9...

President Nixon left instructions that if he was seriously ill, he
did not want his breathing assisted by an artificial respirator. This
shows that, to the end, Mr. Nixon was capable of making firm,
reasonable decisions. President Clinton has also left instructions on
what should be done if he is critically ill. He wants to be placed on
a respirator, but he does not want to inhale.

Somebody please help the Democrats find their brain; it appears
they've lost it. Or perhaps the socialists stole it, needing one for
themselves?

Mrs. Clinton consulted her personal physican concerning a itching
in the groin region. After examining her, he was too embarassed to
tell her that she suffered from pubic lice. When pressed for a
diagnosis, he said, "I regret to inform you that you have 'a bug in
the oval oriface'"

Have you heard they're gonna rename the President's helicopter to
"Golf Course One?"
Initially, the aides said it wasn't a personal golf game, they
claimed to be scouting out the golf course for the President. One
theory has it that this was _really_ what they were doing, scouting
out a golf course for Bill, but our President didn't have the spine to
defend them, so he sacked the aide instead.
My guess is they were scouting out babes for the President. Ah
mean, it's got to be awfully lonely locked into the White House with
Hillary all these months. And no Arkansas State Troopers to help you
out, if you know what Ah mean.
Can't you just imagine this Marine helicopter hovering over a
swimming pool in suburban Maryland, when a male voice comes over the
loudspeaker, "HEY, YOU DOWN THERE, YOU IN THE PINK BIKINI. THE
PRESIDENT WANTS TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT A JOB."

Environmental group objects to bust of Clinton
The Goddess Gaia movement demonstrated outside the White House of
the proposed stone sculpture of President Clinton.
A spokeswoman said her groups objected because, "They plan to
ruin a perfectly good rock."

So the Clinton's are going to a formal engagement. Hillary comes
down the stairs stark naked with a lemon between her thighs. Bill is
not amused and asks what the deal is. Hillary says, "This is how I am
going to go and that is that." Well, Bill marches upstairs and comes
back down naked with a potato squeezed between his thighs. Hillary
demands an explanation to which Bill replies, "If you're gonna go as a
sourpuss then I'm gonna go as a dictator!" [badoom boom]

As Bill was just a good boy from Arkansas and was not quite sure
about good etiquette at his "incoronation", ; AND ACCORDINGLY ALL
EXPERIENCE HATH SHOWN THAT
MANKIND ARE MORE DISPOSED TO SUFFER [evils such as self sufficiency],
WHILE EVILS ARE SUFFERABLE , THAN TO RIGHT THEMSELVES BY ABOLISHING
THE FORMS [of self sufficiency] THEY ARE ACCUSTOMED . BUT WHEN A
LONG TRAIN OF ABUSES AND USURPATIONS [i.e. the longest economic boom
in U.S. history while competing against the most competitive economic
world market in history ], PURSUING INVARIABLY THE SAME OBJECT,
EVINCES A DESIGN TO REDUCE THEM UNDER ABSOLUTE DESPOTISM [such as
encouraging individual success rather than collective dependence on
government], IT IS THEIR RIGHT, IT IS THEIR [patriotic] DUTY, TO THROW
OF SUCH GOVERNMENT, AND TO PROVIDE [contributions and] NEW GUARDS FOR
THEIR COLONIES; AND SUCH IS NOW THE NECESSITY WHICH CONSTRAINS THEM TO
ALTER THEIR FORMER SYSTEMS OF GOVERNMENT. THE HISTORY OF THE PRESENT
KING OF GREAT-BRITAIN [usa] IS A HISTORY OF REPEATED INJURIES AND
USURPATIONS
NOTE: Cannot be served at this time, as it is an endangered species.
- VP A.G.
@ Spotted Owl Wings is an actual menu item at the Bordermine Cafe in
Colorado [RLS Feb. 03 93]
Entrees
1. Sacrificial Republiclamb with scapegoat cheese ***SPECIAL***
with Ronaroni memory of 1980s
with Broccoli guilt of Horton
with Quail and a baked potatoe price is a joke
2. The Rainbow Cabinet Trout
(confirmed in less than a month)
in a special interest jus $11.00
with a salad fit for millionaires $9.00
a la Hillary (grilled over wood for at least
90 min.) $7.95
feminist flambe' (a sprinkling of womyn/en) $7.75
with Reich-a-roni (laboriously stirred) $7.50
in a Ron Brown sauce (w/o Social Sec Sauce,
with golden parachutes) $1.4M
with Zoe-cchuni NO LONGER
AVAILABLE
Nevada-style (all croutons from Reno) $8.36
a la Gore (without fish, not cooked over a stove, no nukes
or microwaves, not stored in a Freon-using refrigerator ... hell, it's
just pieces of raw organically grown grass) $9.50
3. Suefood Surprise
with a cabinet full of lawyers $10.95
with a cabinet full of millionaires $10.95
with a "leaner" bureaucracy $10,950
fully serviced by illegal immigrants NOT AVAILABLE
with micromanagement NO EXTRA CHARGE
Children's Legal Defense Fund Portion
with a parental lawsuit and an Al Gore
Environmentally sound coloring book
(bag of crayons, no book - would mean
the death of a tree!) PARENTS BILLED
4. Stephanopoultry assortment (from the "Chicken Plant")
without a Dee-Dessert $6.75
with a large Gephardt role $7.95
special prosecutor UPON REQUEST
5. (Mis)Steak of the Union $10.15
Burned to a crisp. (Hey I guess we asked for it.)
6. Forest Gridlock Summit Vegetarian Pizza
(may substitute marijuana for oregano
in Arkansas:: 01/28 AP Report) $8.95
"WORKING TOWARD NEW, BALANCED AND COMPREHENSIVE POLICY
FOREST CONFERENCE SET FOR APRIL 2 IN PORTLAND, OR
After Years of Gridlock, Action to Save Jobs and Precious Resources
... It is time to break the gridlock that has blocked action
and bring all sides together to craft a balanced approach to
the economic and environmental challenges we face."
Wed Mar 10 93 White House Press Release
Beverages
1. Hope Springs Eternal (Flavored dirty tap water from the Arkansas River
near the "Chicken Plant")
In a recycled glass or plastic bottle
(BYO Bottle) $2.25
"Dolphin-Free" $2.95
"Soak the Rich" punch
We'll back a truck to the nearest
window, stick a nozzle in your mouth, and
irrigate you like some Tennessee Valley
Authority project. UPON REQUEST
2. Celestial Blackmail Teas $100K
[Celestial Teas targeted by the New York Boycott Colorado
group, which was formed in protest of Colorado's rejection of Amendment
2. Story by Walter Smith, Colorado Springs IT Center, Feb. 05 93]
3. Shalala Shake $2.50
Milk shake with PC pudding and a pink flamingo
decoration. Stirred with tongue depressor.
[Inspired by a picture of 1000 plastic pink flamingos placed on
a quad area in the University of Wisconsin.]
4. CAFE au EPA 40 mpg
5. Dallas Cowboy Stampede Scalp of Wash
Redskin
Dee-Desserts
Slick Willy Long Island % $1.00
Hillary's health care cookies $2.99
with Celestial Blackmail Tea $3.99
Triple layer-of-taxes cake (SALE PRICE!!!!) $30K or more
Schoolhouse deficit cake $128.31
Sweet death of pro-life movement (Gunned down) Freedom of Choice
Access Act Passage
% Really, this is an actual menu item in Harry's Chocolate Shop,
an adult bar in West Lafayette IN. (It's $3.00 w/tax.)
Source: Kevin L. Stamber, Purdue Univ.
********** SPECIAL NOTICE ********** SPECIAL NOTICE **********
Any item from the old John F. Kennedy menu 15% off menu price.
Any item from the old Franklin Roosevelt menu is 20% off.
Any item from Eleanor Roosevelt's recipe book is FREE!!!!!!
**************************************************************
LIST OF FINANCIAL PATRIOTS
Larry Villella, a 14-y.o. in Fargo ND [Feb. 22 93] $1000.00
"I think you're really a symbol of what's best
in this country, and I'm proud of you and I
thank you for doing this." -- Bill Clinton
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 130.00
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 200.00
Liz Smith, gossip columnist, NY Newsday [Mar 03 93]:
"Now is your chance actively to help Uncle Sam with his
deficit headache. Do you want to do something useful,
while waiting as Congress tries to sweat out and melt
down President Clinton's new tax program? Well, you can!
Simply figure out how much you can bear to part with and
make out a check to the government of the US, marking it
as a contribution to help reduce the deficit.
"This is a trendy and good thing, no matter how
big or small your contribution, and it is something that
more and more people are doing to show they really want
the deficit reduced. If everybody in the country sent a
small check or money order, it could make a very big
impact. Address your envelopes to President Bill Clinton,
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC 20500."
A prison inmate at Somers CT [RLS Mar 17 93] $ 25.00

WEBSTER'S CLINTONESE - TO - ENGLISH DICTIONARY (FIRST EDITION)
CLINTONESE ENGLISH
__________ _______
"My fellow citizens" "Suckers"
"I didn't inhale" "I think you're all idiots"
"goals" "lies"
"broad-based contributions" "taxes"
"investing in our infrastructure" "pork-barrel spending"
"spending cuts" "decimating the military"
"jobs program" "military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam" "where?"
"Attorney General" "the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal
record"
"God bless America" "God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"

Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test
Slick Willy, Administrator
Test #1 Test #2
MR Farmers MR Snakes
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CMMT Pockets CMBDI's
LIB LIB
MR Farmers MR Snakes

Test #3 Test #4
MR Ducks MR Mice
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CM Wangs CMEDBD Feet
LIB LIB
MR Ducks MR Mice

Test #5
CM Puppies
MR KNOT Puppies
OSAR
CMPN
LIB
MR Puppies

A father from Little Rock was overheard talking to his son at the
Arkansas State Fair.
Father: M R MIDDLE CLASS
Son : M R KNOT
Father: S A R
Father: C M M T POCKETS
Son : L I B
Son : M R MIDDLE CLASS

CLINTON ADMINISTRATION MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Acute.........................opposite of an ugly
Artery........................the study of paintings
Bacteria......................back door of a cafeteria
Barium........................what doctors do to patients
Benign........................what you are after you're 8.
Bowel.........................letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat Scan......................searching for a kitty
Cauterize.....................made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section..............neighborhood in Rome
Colic.........................a sheep dog
Concussion....................a prisoner's sofa
Congenital....................to be friendly
D & C.........................where the White House is
Dilate........................to live too long
Enema.........................not a friend
Fester........................quicker
Fibula........................a small lie
Genital.......................not a Jew
GI series.....................a soldier ball game
Hangnail......................a coat hook
Hospital......................a prostitute ejecting saliva
Impotent......................distinguished, well known
Jaundice......................to include in a group
Kinesthetics..................relationships among relatives
Labor Pain....................getting hurt at work
Leper.........................a wild cat
Malaria.......................shopping place
Medical Staff.................a doctor's cane
Morbid........................a higher bid
Nitrates......................cheaper than day rates
Node..........................was aware of
Outpatient....................a person who fainted
Pap Smear.....................a fatherhood test
Pelvis........................a cousin of Elvis
Post-operative................a letter carrier
Prostate......................flat on your back
Recovery Room.................a place used for upholstery work.
Rectum........................dang near killed 'em
Rheumatic.....................amorous
Secretion.....................hiding something
Seizure.......................a Roman emperor
Serology......................study of English Knighthood
Tablet........................a small table
Terminal Illness..............getting sick at the airport
Tumor.........................more than one
Urinate.......................two steps short of a perfect "10".
Urine.........................opposite of you're out
Varicose......................nearby
Vein..........................conceited

[ Article crossposted from alt.impeach.clinton ]
[ Author was ***@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu ]
[ Posted on Mon, 24 Apr 95 21:44:26 GMT ]

In Article [***@cts.com]
***@cts.com (Muad'Dib) writes:
]In article [3n94on$***@cmcl2.NYU.EDU] ***@is.nyu.edu (Justin R.
Segal) writes:
]]I am meeting Hillary Clinton at a reception for the Annual Survey of
]]American Law (which is dedicated to her this year) on Tuesday 4/25.
]]There will be less than a hundred peolpe, so I'll at least get a chance
]]to meet her briefly. I'm thinking of the perfect thing to say to
]]her and I thought I'd appeal to a larger group. Any [serious]
]]suggestions would be appreciated

Ask her, "So, Hillary, who did shoot Vince?

or

"So hillary, what kind of handbag do you think will go with that striped
outfit
you'll soon be wearing? You know, the one with the numbers on the back?

or

"Oh Hillary, I've always wondered - how is Mary Steenburgen in bed?"

Your choice
]

Ask her if she knows about Danbury.
When she asks you what it is, explain that it is one of the
poshest Federal Prisons around in Danbury, Ct. Suggest that her
lawyer plea bargain to have her placed there.

Ask her if she wants you to bake her a cake with a file in it.

[In reference to Ambassador Londo Mollari's dream sequence from the
Babylon 5 episode, _The Coming of Shadows_ -NM]
] in today's edition of the San Jose Mercury, front page, there is a
]picture of Pres. Clinton, from AP. he is pictured from the knees up,
]framed by a clear blue sky, clapping his hands. in the sky, passing
]overhead are three attack helicopters, flying in formation.
] i saw that and my knees went a little weak, you know that feeling
]of someone stepping on your grave. the picture looks way too much like
]Londo's dream...
Naaaah. Differences:
Londo is a combat pilot, a man who has functioned as a warrior in
the service of his society;
Londo is willing to throw his life, and the lives of many others,
enemies and friends, away to preserve and strengthen the Centauri
Republic;
Londo doesn't care if he dies in the process;
Londo is a *good* actor, and you can't always tell when he's lying;
Londo is someone you'd be willing to sit down and eat a meal with.
Twisty Bill, the draft-dodging swill, might *try* to imitate Londo,
since his attempts at imitating FDR and Harry S. have failed
abysmally, but face it..... you can't imitate a HERO unless you can
muster some degree of innate nobility, of courage, of goals. Londo has
these, in spades, thanks to both JMS' writing and Jurasik's superb
portrayal; but Clinton, even with his part written and shot for him by
Linda Bloodworth-Thomason, the Goebbels of 1995, couldn't make the
part believeable.
JMS has created magnificent, interesting, believeable characters;
G'Kar and Londo are both noble warriors, willing to risk all in
defense of their peoples, potentially making bad long-term decisions
due to concern, dedication, and emotion; they BOTH intend the best for
their people, and the result is chaos and danger. They *may* be able
to pull out of the hole and rescue the entire situation, but that's up
to JMS, since no one knows what he's planning.
Comparing a sleazeball fat-hillbilly politician to the likes of
Londo is an *INSULT* to a wonderfully-crafted and realized character.

DNC STUDIOS
Presents
SLICK WILLIE

One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected

He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas.
He won't inhale.
He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself.

Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo"
Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather"

Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!

DNC Studios presents
BILL CLINTON as "SLICK WILLIE"
in a BLOODWORTH-THOMASON production
Executive Producer: RON BROWN
Directed By: JAMES CARVILLE
Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN
Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM
Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T

Featuring:
JESSE JACKSON as "THE RAPPER"
AL GORE as "THE TREE HUGGER"
PAUL TSONGAS as "ELMER FUDD"
JERRY BROWN as "GOVERNOR MOONBEAM"
Special Appearances by:
JIMMY CARTER WALTER MONDALE MICHAEL DUKAKIS
ARSENIO HALL THE HIPPIES THE YIPPIES
HISPANIC LESBIANS AGAINST RACISM
COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE GAY WHALES ACT UP EARTH FIRST!
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ROTC UNIT

Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous
TIME-WONDER TAXPAYER BEWARE
Records and Tapes

THE ADVENTURES OF PRESIDENT BILL

It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG
President Bill:
Hello! Hello!
Voice on the Line:
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin
just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles
in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson]
AW SHIT!!!
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO IT!
THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BACKSTABBER!
SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!
BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk,
whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid,
and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes.
A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
Voice:
Mr. President, is this a drill?
President Bill:
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
Voice:
Are you sure, Sir?
President Bill:
HELL YES!!!
FIRE THE MISSILES!!!
FIRE THE GODDAMN MISSILES!!!
Voice:
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
President Bill:
Thank you, Son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair.
Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
Aid:
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a Pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???

Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done
to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how
"Hitler was really a great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.)
Hillary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this
terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of
proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say
anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany
she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I
might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of context and
distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary's life, which can
be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor
them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was
one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are
excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of
Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my
three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass
around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the American
people know all the facts they'll understand just how ridiculous this
is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner,
although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called
that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The American people
have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned off by what we stand
for. But this latest outrage is just too much. You boys ought to be
ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash, that's what this
is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were
doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hillary's voice. You guys
ought to have checked this out better before launching a major attack
on my wife. The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our
sources suggest that this is is just the latest manifestation of the
vicious smear campaign orchestrated by the white house, who have
declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win this
election. And that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about
this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only Nazis you find in
America these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a
Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply that
George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hillary
just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the
bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he
gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can
to turn the discussion away from his "flat tax" proposal which would
spell disaster for the people of this nation. And former Senator
Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such things, has also
chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he isn't
even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've
always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid
misleading or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat,
getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work
or scared of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I
stand for. People are genuinely disillusioned with the way things are
in Washington, and this kind of sideshow just reinforces their
disgust. People have been let down, they've been shafted by
Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their
resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as
much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the
congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the
media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here
we are trying to bring everyone together in this country so that we
can work for the future, and once again vicious lies are spread about
us and guerrilla tactics are used against us. Besides, I thought you
guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain cowardice to
keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising honest
issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle
class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of
poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments,
how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax
would cripple the nation. Maybe Hillary should have just stayed home
in Arkansas and baked some cookies.

On the front page of the 11/9/92 New York Times, there is a piece
entitled "Clinton, After Raising Hopes, Now Tries to Lower Expectations."
In this piece, the major campaign promises made by President-Elect Clinton
are summarized as follows.
1. He said he would end welfare "as we know it."
2. He would restore America's industrial manufacturing base so that good,
high-paying jobs are widespread.
3. He would insure that no working family would fall below the poverty
line.
4. He would make "health care a right, not a privilege," for all Americans
without subjecting businesses to an additional tax burden or rationing
health
care.
5. He promised to eliminate adult illiteracy in five years.
6. He promised to halve the Federal deficit in four years without raising
taxes on the middle class or significantly cutting the Government
entitlement
programs that account for the bulk of Federal spending.
7. He promised offering a modest tax break to the middle class.
8. He would guarantee all Americans either a college education or two years
of vocational training after high school, under the guidance of a
national
service program that would "solve the problems of this country while
educating a generation of Americans."
9. Mr. Clinton pledged to keep abortion legal while "making it as rare as
possible."
10. He promised to end racial, religious, geographical, and sex-oriented
divisions in society.
11. He promised to safeguard environmental concerns without costing jobs.
12. He promised to protect the rights and privileges of workers without
costing business growth.
Good Luck, Bud!

Wary Klink Live-Pillory Clinton

Wary: "Hello, welcome to Wary Klink Live. Tonight's guests
will be
First Lady elect Pillory Clinton. In our second hour, our
guest will be Dr. Heidrich Von Schmillshonshtenstenton
D.D.S.,
P.A., Ph.D., M.D., A.C.L.U A.F.L.-C.I.O, A.S.A.P.,
A.S.P.C.A.,
S.P.Q.R., C.I.A., F.B.I., I.R.S., and H.R.S.,
discussing the
finer points of redneck philosophy. (Titles and Degrees 1.)
Welcome Mrs. Clinton.
Pillory: Thank you it is a pleasure to be here.
Wary: Now, we will open the phones in a moment, but first, how
does
it feel to have singlehandedly ruined this country's
economic
structure? (Emotional Terms 2.)

Pillory: Wonderful, Wary. It's an incredible power trip to hold the
future of an entire nation in your hands. I won't enjoy
destroying this nation from the ground up, much, but it
must
be done. Change must come, and tearing it up and starting
from scratch is the only way.(Radicalism 3.)
Wary: Well, good for you. Now, to our first caller from Xanadu,
Nebraska.
Caller 1: Miz Klinton, I am a profezzor of Eaztern Philozophiez, and I
find your previouz statements to be grozzly offenzive. How
can you claim that a pro Marxist/Leninist/Stalinist
policy is
the best course when Lao Tsu clearly statez that eventz
muzt
be allowed to take their courze if the society is to
reach a
higher level.(Status 4.)
Pillory: Everyone is against me, I can't understand it, I want to
help
the nation!
Wary: Next caller. (Click) Umm...this caller is from Pigsnout,
Georgia.
Caller II: (German accent) Hello, this is Dr.
Schimillschonshtenstenton,
I regret that I will be unable to attend your show this
evening as I have had car trouble here in town.
However the
wonderful people of the town have graciously offered to
provide the entertainment for the evening.
Wary: How is that Mr. Schim... Doctor
Caller II: We are going to watch some film called "Deliverance". I'm
told it's quite good.
Wary: I'm terribly sorry doctor, but enjoy the movie.
Caller II: I'm certain I will, they are such a polite and forthcoming
people (Appearance 5.)
Wary: Our next caller is from San Juan, excuse me San Joo
Wahn, Texas
Caller 3: (southern twang) I want to talk to that wife of a commie
sympathizer!
Wary: Please, sir, keep the insults to a minimum.
Caller 3: Bush and Quayle weren't that bad, we have had 12 years of
republican presidency, why change it now? (Conservatism 6.)
Pillory: I find it impossible to believe that anyone could find any
benefit from a republican presidency! (Inconceivability 7.)
Caller 3: You What!
Wary: People, don't fight. I'm sure the answer lies somewhere
between your two views. Can't we all just get along?
Pillory: No.
Wary: Okay. Next caller from Vallder, Colorado.
Caller 4: Hi, my name is Edward Winslow, and I am a former Perot
supporter.
Class: HI EDWARD!
Caller 4: I really don't understand all this pro-Clinton sentiment.
Clinton's presidency will be the biggest bomb in American
history (Metaphor 8.)
Wary: Mrs...
Pillory: Ms.
Wary: Sure. Ms Clinton, your response.
Pillory: I agree, my presidency will be an explosive one, impacting
every aspect of American society. (Shift of Meaning 9.)
Wary: Excuse me, I think he means...
Pillory: Next caller.
Wary: ... that ...
Pillory: NEXT CALLER
Wary: (sigh) from Waldorf, Michigan.
Caller 5: Ms. Clinton, I agree with you wholeheartedly in every aspect
of your philosophy. Your views on the sociopolitical
ramifications of the subconscious integral psychosexual
male
egobarrier are simply brilliant. (Technical Jargon 10.)
Wary: What?
Pillory: Shut up, Wary.
Wary: Hey...
Pillory: Stay on the line caller, I'll discuss my new theories and
policies with you after the show.
Wary: Can I have my show back now?
Pillory: Yes, you may.
Wary: Next Caller from New Jonestown, Arkansas.
Caller 6: We just called to say that all five thousand of us here
in New
Jonestown support you Ms Clinton, and we're holding a
party in
your honor, hey, this many of us can't all be wrong.
(aside)
Hey, is that Kool-Aid ready yet? (Numbers 11.)
Pillory: It's good to know that some Americans are intelligent, thank
you for your support.
Wary: Next caller from Gernee, New Zealand.
Caller 6: 'ello, I can't see why you yanks dumped Bush, af'er all, you
know what they say. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
(Sophistical Formula 12.)
Wary: Excellent, my foreign friend.
Pillory: Just what we need, competitors telling us how to run our
country. This is what dragged us down in the first place.
(Causal Oversimplification 12).
Wary: Next Caller, after all we wouldn't want to run up his phone
bill.
Pillory: I have a few choice words for that man!
Wary: Too late Pillory, next caller from New Orleans, Louisiana.
Caller 7: Yeah, is this Geno's Bar?
Wary: No, wrong number
Caller 7: You sure this ain't Geno's?
Wary: Yes, this is Wary Klink, Live.
Caller 7: Oh, anyway, you really ought to try Geno's. It has awesome
food. Geno's is my favorite bar. In fact, why don't
you come
to Geno's after work? (Repetition 13.)
Wary: Next caller from Fallax, Montana.
Caller 8: Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die!
(Slogan 14.)
Wary: Next Caller.
Caller 9: Hi, I'm from Boston, and what I want to know is why people
would elect someone like you as President. I mean that's
like putting a serial killer in a nursing home. (Simile
15.)
Pillory: What is wrong with you people? What good could come
from any
Republican, no matter how liberal? (Prejudice 16.)
Wary: Next Caller from Saldo, California.
Caller 10: Ms Clinton, I'm sure your administration will have long
lasting effects on the nations future. (Vagueness 17.)
Pillory: ... Thank You...
Wary: Next Caller from Juno Alaska.
Caller 11: Congratulations on winning the White House, Ms. Clinton.
May
your term of office be short and uneventful.
Pillory: ...
Wary: Next caller from Little Rock Arkansas.
Caller 12: Honey, this is Fuzzy, what kind of peanut butter was I
supposed to get.
Pillory: Jif, Bill.
Caller 12: Oops, I got Skippy, but you can't really blame me, after
all,
I have so much to remember. All those bills you told me to
sign, an entire shopping list, what size panty hose you
wear... (Rationalization 18.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Bill, that was inappropriate.
Caller 12: Hey, if you can call me out of a disaster relief meeting to
tell me to pick up some tuna, I should certainly be able to
call you about peanut butter! (Nor Drawing the Line 19.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Is it too much for me to hope for that you would remember
three sentences together without a week's worth of
coaching?
Caller 12: Next caller.
Wary: Hoboken, New Jersey. (aside) Panty Hose?
Caller 13: Hi, I'm a ultra-ultra left Marxist. I think that if we just
dissolved all the world governments, every one would stop
fighting and save the environment. (Wishful Thinking 20.)
Pillory: Sure, and Stalin was a humanitarian.
Wary: Next Caller from Nattlemeyer, Vermont
Caller 14: I am a Political Science professor from Mannington College
and I find that both sides have their merits. I feel that
more data must be gathered before we can decide if
replacing
Bush was a positive step. (Academic Detachment 21.)
Pillory: Look, we won't have any fence walkers in this
administration!
Either you support the reforms we will make, or you are
against them, period. (Drawing the line 22.)
Wary: Gee, we have another caller, what a surprise.
Caller 15: Hey, I've got your number boss-lady. You claim that you
want
to help the nation, yet your husband said, and I quote
"...We
will if elected, ... raise taxes, ... send ... jobs
overseas,... and spend more..." (Quotation out of
Context 23.)
Pillory: I don't recall him saying any such thing.
Caller 15: He said EVERY word of it ma'am.
Pillory: I'm sure he did SAY every word of it, just not all together.
(Emphasis 24.)
Wary: One last caller and then our time is up for the evening.
Kalleytrepp, your on the air.
Caller 16: Mrs. Clinton...
Pillory: Ms.
Caller 16: Excuse me?
Pillory: Ms., not Mrs. Mrs. is an archaic and degrading term whose
sole purpose is to keep women in their traditional role as
second class citizens.
Caller 16: Can you please define a "second class citizen"
Pillory: Certainly, one who is denied certain rights and privileges
Caller 16: Such as?
Pillory: Such as... Well um, take for example..(Abstract Terms 25.)
Wary: That's all the time we have this evening, we'll see you next
week when we will have lame duck president George Bush
as our
guest.

[RADIO 30 SEC. SPOT]
[SFX - OFFICE SOUNDS IN B.G.]
[ROY]
Hey, Dale - I didn't expect to see you at work - I heard you got
fired last week.
[DALE]
I was. But that was before I asserted my rights under the Family
Leave Plan.
[ROY]
But, Dale - you don't HAVE a family.
[DALE]
A minor detail, Roy. I called the Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton and
they took my case, got my job back, got my gay brother an officer's
commission in the Army, and promised to line my wallet with the cash
they're gonna get my soaking my middle-class, fat-cat boss! I'm on
Easy Street. Why, I'm as good as tenured! They couldn't fire me now if
they WANTED to!
[SFX - FADE OUT]
[ANNOUNCER]
Are you out of work? Do you care? At the Law Firm of Rodham &
Clinton, we don't care if you've ever put in an honest day's work in
your life. We think you deserve all the money you can get, regardless
of your ability or willingness to work. Call today, and ask about our
"Buy Now, Suffer Later" program. Your first consultation is free. As
an added bonus, the first 50 callers will receive, absolutely free, a
pair of monogrammed rose-colored glasses, and a list of promises not
worth the paper they're printed on. So if you're one of the
"motivationally challenged" and want to get what you feel is coming to
you, don't wait. Call today!
[ANNOUNCER #2 - TAG ENDING]
The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton is a Professional Abbomination,
licensed to steal in 50 States and in the District of Columbia. Call
us today! The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton - where "Soak the Rich (and
the not-so-rich) is our ONLY business!

And finally, one that's out of date, but this came through the
Oracle before the election:
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] O thou still unravished groom of wisdom -
] O great one still and casual as birds -
] O nameless one above all -
] Please answer the question of this insignificant being:
]
] I've been invited to have tea with Bill and Hillary Clinton next week.
] What advice should I pass on to them from you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hoo boy. The Clinton administration will prove to be the most rocked by
} scandal of any administration ever. Please don't give them this whole
} list, but you may provide a hint of what is to come.
}
} Feb. 19, 1993: President Clinton reveals that he once tried cocaine, but
} didn't snort too deeply.
}
} Mar 12, 1993: Hillary demands that "First Lady" become a full cabinet
} position.
}
} Jun 11, 1993: Republicans discover that not only did Clinton oppose
} American involvement in Vietnam, he actually fought for
} the Viet Cong.
}
} Sep. 09, 1993: Clinton reveals that he once tried heroin, but he used a
} clean needle.
}
} Dec. 02, 1993: Hillary demands that the First Lady be included in the
} succession, ahead of the Vice President.
}
} Apr. 22, 1994: Republicans unveil that Ho Chi Minh was really Clinton in
} disguise.
}
} May 10, 1994: Clinton reveals that he once tried Communist propaganda,
} but he didn't understand it.
}
} Oct. 11, 1994: The Hillary Coup: Mrs. Rodham-Clinton makes a failed
} attempt to take over the White House. President Clinton
} has her executed and replaces her with Gennifer Flowers.
}
} Jan 13, 1995: Republicans finally decrypt a 1991 coded telegram from
} Clinton to Saddam Hussein: "I'm with you all the way,
} buddy."
}
} Apr. 01, 1995: Clinton reveals that he once tried murder, but he only
} stabbed once.
}
} Dec. 07, 1995: Addressing a group of WWII vets, Clinton refers to,
} "those valiant and brave Japanese pilots who attacked
} Pearl Harbor." He later blames a slip of the tongue.
}
} Feb. 02, 1996: Republicans unearth a private letter to a friend, in
} which Clinton refers to Adolf Hitler as, "My personal
} role model, who I will always admire and emulate."
}
} May 17, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried bestiality, but the
} animals involved were all vertebrates.
}
} Jun 11, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried necrophilia, but the
} body was fairly warm.
}
} Jun 13, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried arson, but the building
} he torched was of little value.
}
} Jun 16, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried rape, but she really
} enjoyed it.
}
} Jun 17, 1996: Clinton admits to mugging, pedophilia, kleptomania,
} Communism, racism, and once driving over the speed limit.
}
} Jun 20, 1996: Clinton denies ever trying LSD. Nobody believes him.
}
} Election Day, Clinton is re-elected in a landslide. The popular vote is
} 1996 243,975,237 to 2. Election fraud is suspected, but never
} proven.
}
} And believe me, it gets worse in his second through his sixteenth
} terms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plane ticket out of the country.

mconnect whitehouse.gov
connecting to host whitehouse.gov (198.137.240.100), port 25
connection open
220 SMTP/smap Ready.
expn president
250 [hillary]
quit
221 Closing connection

]] a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
]]
]] I thought that he would be more caring about the feelings of the poor.
]] (heh heh)
]] :-)
]
] Oh, a $200 haircut isn't going to hurt anyone. Where are the people
] who were complaining about Bush's buying socks for the grandkids at
] the mall, and Nancy Reagan's designer gowns?
Speaking of double standards -- remember all the hooting & ridicule when
Bush
bought a few pairs of socks? Oddly, when Golden Boy took to the stores to
buy shirts -- and parroted, practically verbatim, Bush's "doing my part to
stimulate the economy" remark -- those same voices were silent.
What a difference ideology makes.

Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will
be added
as the president's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach
meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.
all - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices
to restore America's economic health.
ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking:legislating
campaign - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne
promise promise.
change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true
meaning, "contribution". (noun) that portion of your
income that will now be heading to Washington, as:
The CHANGE we are asking for is necessary if we are to
restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to
number
one in the world.
contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington
believes it can make better use of than you. This
'90s term is designed to make you feel good while
Uncle Sam picks your pocket.
Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't
say the T
word out loud, it's not politically correct).
courage - ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without
regard
to personal safety or welfare. as: America had the
COURAGE
to elect Bill Clinton as president.
first lady - this term has been replaced by the title "co-president"
middle class - that portion of society whose range of income extends
from
the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy.
Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.
poor - what the middle class becomes after it makes
its contribution.
sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to
make your contribution. as: We must SACRIFICE for
the good of all.
Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself
effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and
the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens
of these nations to see the effect.
spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will
help you make these by asking you to have the courage
to make
your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be
balanced by the appropriate SPENDING CUTS.
we - You, me, us, them. as: You know WE must sacrifice for
the good of all.
Since the president and congress are none of the above,
they are not part of we.
wealthy - anyone making $1.00 a year more than you.
(elected officials are exempt).
This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce
Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the
'80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself
during that
time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying
congress on behalf of several major Japanese
corporations.
Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the
people.
Terry Peres

: For the record, the haircut was not a $200 one, but more like a $50K
or $70K
: one, counting the expense for keeping Air Force 1 idling. What it cost to
: the airliners circling around in the sky is anyone's guess.
Sorry to correct you dave, but the money spent by the private airlines to
keep their planes in the air for an hour will Bilzo got his haircut cannot
be considered an expense to the taxpayer.
No, it was an "Investment in America" on the part of the airlines.

Good one! anyone else notice that the Clinton group is now number TEN
in articles posted to the net? Could there be a correlation here? As
his popularity drops, he shovels out more of his bull?

RECIPE FOR: DEMOCRATIC PARTY MIX
INGREDIENTS:
All kinds of: FRUITS, NUTS and FLAKES.
Liberal portion of PORK.
Enough dark chocolate to meet the required QUOTA.
DIRECTIONS:
Mix all ingredients well. (Must be stirred up by a FEMINIST).
Cook over a BURNING AMERICAN FLAG until HALF-BAKED.
Soak in CHEAP LIQUOR for a week, sprinkle with diced FETUS,
garnish with whole POT leaves, and serve FLAMING.
**This recipe is based on Ideal Conditions. If everything
is not Ideal then it will not work at all.
SERVING SUGGESTIONS:
Best if eaten with your MISTRESS while high, drunk and standing
on the American Flag at an NEA sponsored HOMOSEXUAL bondage art
exhibit during a PRO-ABORTION rally lead by FEMI-NAZI Hillary Clinton.
WARNING:
Not for Human Consumption. Only LIBERALS can eat this substance.
If accidentally ingested by a conservative, simply induce
vomiting. The best way to do this is to go to an NEA art exhibit,
listen to some obscene rap music, or watch the democratic national
convention.

Clinton Economic Axioms
Taxing smoking will reduce smoking.
Taxing alcohol will reduce drinking.
Taxing energy will reduce energy consumption.
Taxing business will increase business.
Taxing health care will increase health care.
Taxing productivity will increase productivity.
Restricting trade will increase trade.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMERICAN K.I.A. POOL

RULES: 1. Put your name in the appropriate space
2. Put your guess of the date and time President Clinton will get
the first American killed in Bosnia in the appropriate space
3. Enter as often as you can afford
4. Each entry costs one (1) young person in reasonably good
fighting trim

WINNERS: Will receive a reasonable facsimile of a Presidential
condolence letter and a genuine replica of the
purple heart the deceased family gets! Impress your
friends!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date of first
Name of young person American K.I.A.
Your Name: (Entry Fee): in Bosnia:
========================== ============================== ================

__________________________ ______________________________ ________________

__________________________ ______________________________ ________________

__________________________ ______________________________ ________________

__________________________ ______________________________ ________________

__________________________ ______________________________ ________________

Friday, May 14, 1993
NEW YORK -- President Clinton's brother, Roger, and another man
became embroiled in a heated argument at a New York Knicks basketball
game, the New York Post reported today.
Devion Arkison said Roger Clinton attacked him when he made a
remark about the president.
Arkison, 28, said Clinton jumped from his seat at Madison Square
Garden Wednesday night, grabbed him in a chokehold and scratched his
face.
Clinton said Arkison "was being very crude...and my principles were
such that when people are insulting my brother or my mother, I felt I
had to say something," the Post said.
Witnesses told the Post they overheard Arkison say, "Bill's outta
here in three years, and your 15 minutes of fame are almost up."
The Clinton presidency has been faltering in recent weeks and polls
show that Bill Clinton has the lowest approval ratings of any modern
president.
[Like David Letterman predicted, Roger is going to be *trouble*.
It's Jimmy and Billy Carter all over again.]

***@cybernet.cse.fau.edu (christopher motherway) writes:
]IN OTHER NEWS: President Bill Clinton announced yesterday that over
]6,000 more troops will be sent to Somalia to protect and bring back U.S.
]troops already stationed there.
A White House insider, commenting on Clinton's announcement the other
day, said "It may look inconsistent to announce a withdrawal and to
increase troop strength at the same time but, in fact, it is not."

I hate it when I finally get my moment of glory and I'm upstaged by
Michael Jordan. That guy has been jealous of me for as long as I can
remember. Anyway, from the "Morning Briefing" section of today's Los
Angeles Times:
After his speaking engagement in Culver City yesterday, President
Clinton stopped off at the Los Angeles Air Force Base for some
exercise, where he ran a few miles on a treadmill and played in a
basketball game. President Clinton scored a basket early in the
game, and afterwards Scott Turner, the man assigned to defend the
President, had this to say "The guys in the gym are calling me Agent
Horgan now _______________
9. Add lines 7 and 8. This is your Taxable Income. _______________
10. TOTAL TAX
Multiply the taxable income calculated on line 9
by 0.5. This is your total tax for 1994. ------> _______________
11. Enter the Amount of Federal Income Tax withheld
in 1994 (from the W2 form) _______________
----------------
12. Enter the amount from line 10. This is the total
tax OWED. Remit payment promptly to the IRS. _______________
----------------

I, ______________, hereby agree that I owe my country the amount shown
in line 12 above. This information has been filed correctly to the
best of my knowledge. I will vote for Bill Clinton in 1996.

___________________________________ ___________________
(signature) (date)

From a document submitted and published in the 'Congressional Record'
October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer [R-California]. The
author chose to remain anonymous...

HOW TO TELL REPUBLICANS FROM DEMOCRATS:

. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a
group.

. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in
this country. The remainder is thrown out.

. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less
fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.

. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports
figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are
named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the
money is.

. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not
successful. Neither are Republicans.

. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is
seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats
put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.

. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise
Airedales, kids, and taxes.

. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow
the plans their grandfathers made.

. Republicans sleep in twin beds - some even in separate rooms. That
is why there are more Democrats.

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

We probably could.

Practical Jokes

----------------------------------------------------------------

One joke that we did in residence was the Chinese Fire Drill,
I don't quite know why it is called that. Anyway..

The victim is on the pot in the dorm washroom. Everyone grabs a bucket
(we used the waste baskets from our rooms) and fills the buckets with
water. Take a paper bag and set it on fire, toss it under the door into the
stall. Yell fire as everyone tosses the water into the stall. Needless
to say
the fire as well as the victim get very wet.

This one fellow in the house was hit a number of times and took to relieving
himself in other locals. We followed him a couple of times and nailed him
in many parts of the residence.

Later of course we conspired with our victim to get back at the
original instigator of the drill. The guy in the stall had a bucket of
water,
and when the the instigator tossed the bag in we all hit him.

----------------------------------------------------------------


It is common for draftsmen to sprinkle SCUMEX (powdered rubber
eraser) on tracings prior to doing any drawing on it. This reduces
smearing of the pencil marks and such and results in a cleaner
tracing.

At a former employers we had replaced the Scumex at one draftsmans
desk with dried parmesian cheese. It looked about the same. It was
extremely interesting watching him draw for a while and then begin
to smell the paper. Took the poor dude almost 10 minutes to guess
that he had been gigged!

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I just pulled one on somebody -- I slipped some of those anti-
shoplifting strips into the lining of the victim's favorite
jacket. I was set to pull another one, but didn't get the chance
- to cut out a silhouette of a gun from metal and hide it in a
piece of carry-on luggage.

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Two teachers at my high school started a practical joke war
that culminated in a junk mail war of huge proportions. They
finally called a truce and got it cleared up and the mail stopped,
EXCEPT for the military mail that one had signed the other one up
for. He wrote (honestly) that he had graduated from a fine college
and was interested in the Marines, Air Force, etc. etc.
When I left, about two years after this, he was still
getting PHONE CALLS from 2-4 times a month.... they were VERY
persistant even over he (loud) objections that he was 45 and not
interested in a career change...

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New secretary (second day on the job) answers telephone as is told in
official tones: "This is the phone company. We are testing a new
circuit wiring scheme in your offices. Please keep everyone off the
phones for the next 10 minutes. We will be verifying the correct wiring
of your system by passing HOT STEAM through the wires. Instruct your
employees to place their phones on the floor, or, better yet, wrap them
in towels to avoid scalding themselves. We will advise you when the
tests are complete $click$" After momentary panic, the secretary begins
a frenzied "Paul Revere" routine, running from desk to desk while
glancing frequently at her watch. Just as the 10 minutes are about up,
she bursts into her boss's office (while he is in the midst of an
important long-distance call) and, screaming, grabs the receiver from
his hand and flings the whole phone under his desk...

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Tell someone you can pin a glass of water to the wall --
a real glass, not a paper cup, using an ordinary straight
pin. Naturally they won't believe, so you set out to
prove it.

Get a glass of water and a pin. Hold the glass up to the
wall and start to pin it up. And then drop the pin.
You've got the glass in position just right, so you ask
your victim real nice to get the pin for you. When they
bend down to pick it up, dump the water on their head.

This works especially well when there's a crowd of people watching.
It can also be very dangerous for the joker, so be careful if you
try it.

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one time in my undergrad days, it was snowing like mad
out. someone decided it was time a make a snowball. then
someone else suggested that we should put this snowball in
this one guy's room-- nobody liked this guy-- so when the
word got around, half the people in our dorm section came
out and help! we got this sucker so BIG that it must be
at least 4 feet in diameter. it took about 6 person to haul
the darn thing up 3 flights of stairs. we got the snowball
into this guy's room while he was out, turn off the heat in
the room and left all the windows open, so the snowball
won't melt too fast. well... the turkey came back 3 hours
later and found a HUGH snowball sitting in the middle of his
room, and started melting! I still have the picture of the
snowball. (if you really wonder how big the snowball is,
just imagine a snowball the size of a normal dinning room
chair!)

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This reminds me of a similar stunt we used to enjoy at the dining hall
in my undergrad days. The food service used opaque plastic salt and
pepper shakers with pop-off tops that could be pried off with a knife
blade if you were persistent enough.

PREPARATION (in a restroom nearby): (1) Empty salt ( or pepper) from a
previously 'acquired' container and fill about 1/3 full with
concentrated lemon juice. (2) Place a thin tissue across the opening,
poke it down a bit to form a depression, and fill the depression with
about a teaspoon of baking soda. (3) Cover (from the inside) the
holes of the top with tape of the appropriate color. (4) Replace top
on container and trim visible tissue from around the top.

Carry the device to dining hall (upright and as stable as is
possible... for your own sake).

After discretely placing the shaker on your table (only place it near
to you... see caveat \#1 below), observe the next person to use the
salt (pepper). (S)He will shake lightly at first, then harder as
nothing comes out. Due to the breakdown of the tissue and the pressure
resulting from the classic acid/base reaction, the top will pop off
(quite spectacularly) amidst a shower of foam. Your victim (as will as
everyone around) should have quite a reaction, since one does not
usually observe this type of behavior in a salt (pepper) shaker!

CAVEATS: 1. The top will come off with some force. If the holes are
sealed well, this will happen on about the second or third shake.
Once, though, due to poor sealing, it took about 5 seconds, during
which time our victim started looking at the shaker to examine the
"foamy stuff coming out" of the holes... we quickly grabbed the shaker
from her to direct the top towards the ceiling before it went off. So,
watch carefully!

2. The "foam shower" (lemon juice \& soda) may ruin you victim meal...
be prepared to pop for another one.

3. Don't do this if your victim or anyone near ground zero is dressed
up (this joke will flop at board meetings and the like).

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This joke has been done 50 (yes, 50) years ago by my father-in-law.

First, a little background:

He lived in a small village, north-west of Quebec City along the St-Laurent
river. In those days, toilets were located outside the house in what
we call in good ol' french canadian 'becosse', from 'back house' I think.
These are a little wood shack with no floor over a hole in the ground
where you ... You can guess.

Now, for the joke:

He and a friend were thrown out of a party by the doorman.

When it was really dark,, the doorman went to investigate what was
knocking at the window. They had suspended a rock to the window
frame so it hung right it the middle and tied another string
to the rock and hid behind the 'becosse' where they pulled
that second string to make the rock knock in the window.
That's an old trick. The doorman wouldn't fall for that one. So
he followed the second string in the dark
and soon concluded that they were hidding behind the 'becosse'.

He ran toward the merely visible wood structure...

But my father-in-law and his friend had taken care of moving the
shack six feet ... Boy he fell in the shit !!

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This one hasn't come up despite the presence of UCLA on the net. I'm
led to the sad conclusion that the tradition has died.

In the mid '70s, just before it was overrun by fanatic Dungeons \&
Dragons (tm) players, the UCLA Computer Club was host to a long series
of "glitter traps." Example: joke subject sits at a desk, pulls out a
drawer. A string runs from the back of the drawer, up the wall, into
the false ceiling, over to a spot directly over the subject's head,
where it triggers the trap: a mousetrap whose action snaps a card away
from its position covering a funnel, releasing a handful of glitter,
which flows down the funnel, through its spout, through a hole in the
ceiling acoustic tile, onto the subject. It was wonderful to watch: a
muffled snapping noise, a quiet "chuff," and the slow, glittery descent
of a cloud of brightly colored dust, to settle over the head and
shoulders of a club member who by now has assumed an expression of
appreciative resignation.

Another, more short-lived ploy was to suspend a wooden horseshoe by a
string from the ceiling in the corridor, such that the horseshow
dangles a couple of inches above the top of an upright broom. Most
conventional brooms will stand on their straws with a little coaxing.
We attached a sign labeling the horseshow "wood magnet." Quite a few
people took it at face value.

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Another Cow joke I attribute to my 'Ol chemestry prof was the placement of
a cow onto the roof. I would presume a fairly storng roof, but once up
there it would be hard to hide the fact to the cow that any direction would
be down.

Another pratical joke involved the use of outhouses. Once the target has
established himself you take up the slack on the attached rope which has
been measured to set up tremendious harmonics in the structure. When the
rope transfers your strumming to the outhouse, it usually falls apart with
a most revieling nature..

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I was once in a nice family-style restaurant when I observed
some kids supergluing the dishes to the table. They also attached
the silverware, napkins, salt, pepper, etc. If it wasn't already nailed
down,
it was now. They stayed long enough to let the glue set, and then paid and
left. They watched as the poor busboy tried to get the stuff off of the
table.

Also funny is supergluing a quarter to the sidewalk. I know
its old,
but in the city, with the diverse types of people around, it gets really
amusing. I watched this old lady whack at it with her cane for about 10
min.
cursing......

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A few months ago I saw a newspaper clipping which told of a newspaper in
Illinois (I think...) which ran a story warning consumers that, on such-and-
such day, Illinois Bell would be "blowing the dust out of the phone
lines" and
that all phone owners should cover the earpiece of their phones with a
bag to
catch the dust.

Bell made them print a retraction, after receiving numerous calls asking
what sort of bag to use ...

People, they is amazing.

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When I was in college our RA told us of a good one that (supposedly)
some friends had pulled a couple of years earlier. These two guys made
up a concoction of all kinds of left overs, semi-pureed it in a blender,
and filled a hot water bottle with it. One of them took the hot water
bottle, taped it to his stomach inside of his shirt and put a short
piece of hose into the top so that it came up to the front of his shirt
collar, but not visible. They both went to a local pub and sat at the
bar, acting already slightly intoxicated. After having a couple of beers
the guy with the hot water bottle says that he is feeling sick a couple
of times and "barfs" VERY loudly all over the bar to attract attention.
Naturally this causes the patrons to move away from him, all except his
buddy, who calmy pulls a fork out of his coat pocket and begins EATING
the stuff. ;-) I don't know how true it is, but I'd love to have been
there watching faces if it was...

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Two very hot-headed people lived directly across the halls from each
other. Dave got a piece of 1/2" rope and tied their doors together with
about a 6" gap of slack. Waited until 2:30am and knocked REALLY HARD on
both doors.

Interesting way to wake up...having two steaming mad football jerks
slamming each other's doors open and shut. The Resident Advisor was NOT
pleased :-)

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I can't resist a few:

1. Once you have stolen a dormmate's room keys, the room is yours to
plunder. As a variation, steal the dorm keys but reverse the lock
(so the keyhole faces INTO the room); we had a mechanical engineer
who got this down to about 20 seconds. Then loudly announce to the
victim you own the keys, but "let" them win the race back to their
room. PRESTO! Locked inside their own room (with no keys). If
you've fixed the phone to continually ring, they get very pliable
after about 10 minutes.

2. We connected our secretary's electric typewriter to a variac (can
vary the line voltage). At about 40-50 volts (out of the 110)
the little ball makes three or four jerky attempts before finally
striking a faint imprint. Fairly pathetic looking, actually.

3. Reverse the horizontal yoke leads on terminals (so the text comes
out backwards from right to left). This works best on a software
team who thinks they have just released the firmware for screen
drivers. Besides, hardware people figure it out too quickly.

4. Hand lotion inside of an air hose on the final assembly line is
effective, but very vindictive. Use with caution (now, I'm not
saying I ever did this, but I "saw" it done once :-)

And the standard saran wrap across women's toilets, Karo syrup, flour in
the shower, water-filled surgical tubing jammed in a drawer....ah, for
the good old days!!

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One night when you have a few friends around, take turns calling the
same phone number, a really obnoxious acquaintance that won't
recognize your voices is always a good choice. When the person
answers, try to leave a message for John Smith (or any name that
sounds real). Insist that you have the right number and even read
their number to them. Have a bit of fun here, and stretch this on as
long as possible. Repeat several times, once or twice an hour. Let
everybody have a turn at calling. Just as the party is breaking up,
call one last time. Tell the poor soul answering the phone that you
are John Smith, and ask "Are there any messages for me?" This is sure
to get a groan.

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Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria.
One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest;
he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends
sitting along the sides.
When the cafeteria was pretty full of people,
he made a loud noise (to attract attention),
stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest.
This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table;
the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid.
I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.

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Here's one that my roommate and myself did to a residence buddy. One
morning (early) we taped together a bunch of sheets of newspaper to cover
the victims doorframe. Then taped this big sheet over the doorframe which
left a gap of about two or three inches between the sheet and the door.
Then we filled the gap with paper balls right to the top of the doorway.
When he opened the door he was showered with a barrage of paper balls (makes
a nice mess too!) Of course, the door has to swing in for this to work!

My roommate was (and is) rather inventive and can be quite nasty. He
buttered
all of the toilet seats in our wing of the residence (fortunately told me
first). He also buttered doorknobs at one point. We wrapped celophane over
the toilet bowl then replaced the seat: this one can be really messy!

Try this: hang a shower curtain out a window. When the person below reaches
out and pulls it in, pour a bucket of water onto the shower curtain. Listen
to hear the results. Requires a nosy neighbor below you.

Six friends of mine and myself tried a less complicated version of the
classic
dismantling of a car and putting it back together somewhere strange. We
lifted
a friends car that was parked between two other cars and turned it so
that the
front and back end were facing the neighboring cars. This posed quite a
problem
for our friend when he decided to go home. Requires either a small car
or a lot
of very strong people! :-) I take no responsibility for any back
injuries that
result from this. Of course I take no responsibility for any of my
actions. :-)

There are, of course, some fairly standard pranks that are pulled in
residence.
Typically, people are shafted on their birthday which is therefore a
hazardous
date to reveal. Total demolition of a room is quite common, but lacks
any real
humor. A common shaft is to remove everything from the victims room and
set it
up somewhere else exactly as it was. The best examples I saw of this were: a
room moved to the roof of a science building, a room moved to the front
courtyard of the residence (really funny when it started to snow!) and a
room
moved to the dining hall.

When I was younger, I had a practical joke genius for a working
companion. We
both worked in the same computer store for a while. He left and became
manager
of another store. I remember receiving an envelope with his firms return
address
on it. Inside was a very silly brochure. I said aloud "There has to be
something
else in this envelope". So I looked and of course there was a sheet of
paper.
It read "No there is nothing else in this envelope!" I could never get
him back
for anything that he pulled but he was an inspiration. The last
practical joke
that I will relate was one that he taught me and it requires a bit of
time to
prepare. First you need: iodine cristals and some amonium hydroxide. Mix the
two together and a brown sludge will form. Drain off the excess liquid
and let
the sludge dry. The result? Snap powder, a pressure sensitive explosive.
Just
sprinkle this on the floor and watch people's reactions. Its quite amusing.

----------------------------------------------------------------


I have lived in several different houses with a bunch of guys. Needless
to say things got pretty rowdy sometimes and many were victims of some
pretty funny jokes. One of the favorites as I recall (and still is) is
to go into the bathroom while the victim is taking a shower, and pour
a bucket of extreeeemmmlly cold water on them over the top of the
shower curtain. This is quite a shocking experience, and if you are
fast enough you can get away before the victim finds out you did it.

I remember one guy I lived with getting this all the time. One time
he got sick of putting up with it and jumped out of the shower into
the hall squirting shampoo at everyone in sight. The next time this
happened the guys were ready with a camera to take pictures of him as
he ran out of the bathroom. These pictures were later shown at his
bachelor party.

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1) Got a neighbor that's a real pain in the ass? Do they have a
lawn? Do they have a garden that's accessible? Yes to all the
above? Great! Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill
the suckers hose with the stuff. Then sit back and wait for them
water their lawn! Nuff said?

2) Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine? If
so, have I got one for you! Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water
soluble, crystalline, red dye. Mix some into the persons wine and
wait for them to take a leak. (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it
goes in, and people have a tendancy to get really nervous when they
start pissing what they think is blood!

3) (I'm surprised nobody mentioned this one yet.) Go to a pet shop and
buy a fancy looking pet collar and leash. Then, the next time you
see a dead animal in the road, attach the leash and collar setup
to its neck. Attach the whole thing to revengees rear bumper, making
sure to toss dead animal under the car so it won't be seen. When
revengee drives away, chances are he/she will be stopped by either
a cop
or a member of some animal lovers group for draggin some poor
defenseless
pet down the road. Either way, they are gonna have some awful quick
explaining to do!

4) Last, but certainly not least, is a great stink bomb. This one takes
a bit of time for preparation, so it's not too good for spontaneous
revenge. (But it's worth the time!) Get a quart jar with a rubber
seal.
(Mason jars work quite well.) Pour about 1/4 to 1/2 inch of
crystal Drano
along with about an inch or so of warm water into the jar. Place the
lid on the jar and allow the mixture to sit in a warm place for
about an
hour. Take the lid off and add six egg whites, (no yokes). Add a
quarter
cup of Methylene Blue, then fill the jar to within an inch of the top
with water. Seal the jar tightly and allow to sit for four to six
weeks.
(I warned you it takes a while!) When the 'bomb' is ready to use, you
can either throw it like a molitov(sp?) cocktail, or shake it up and
pour the contents out, making damn sure you don't get any on yourself.
The results have to be seen, or is that smelled, to be beleived!

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Is everyone out in net land familiar with Sensormatic? They are the company
that make the large plastic clips that set off alarms when you exit a
department store. I used to work for a department store and the is what
we did.

Open up the clip and remove the shiny piece of paper. It is about an inch
long and about half an inch wide. This is the "thingy" (that is the
technical
word for it) that sets off the alarm. This "thingy" is easy to insert into
a pen case, lining of a jacket ...

We did this to a co worker and needless to say, he had problems wearing a
particular jacket to work.

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We have various local spots where the teenagers park, cruise, hold drag
races, drink beer etc. We happen to own a white 1983 Dodge Diplomat,
the exact kind of car used by the State Patrol around here as well as
many law enforcement agencies nationwide. (Actually our car WAS a
state patrol car, but that's another story). Anyway, my brother in
law, who is a cruiser, would occasionally borrow this car and drive it
down to the cruising spots. Needless to say, when they saw him coming
there was brief but furious activity. He finally had to stop doing
this because it made his friends so mad.

People hate to pass us on the freeway too. It is not unusual to see
some Camaro or Porche come zipping along through traffic until he is
about 2 car lengths behind us, then decelerate to a perfect 55.00 miles
per hour. It takes him about 10 seconds to look us over, decide we
aren't in uniform, notice that we don't have state license plates, and
make up his mind. He will then typiclaly test how fast his car will
accelerate to about 90 mph.

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They had a 'witchy' old lady next door that was constantly complaining
about everything and everyone in the neighborhood. After one really good
round about kids and pets messing up her spotless front yard, my buddies
planned what turned out to be a better joke than they originally thought.
Juvenile as we all were, they planned to write some dirty words in her
meticulously-groomed front lawn with some kind of powder that would stand
out. The only thing they could find was some Ortho Super-Gro Lawn Food
(white powdery stuff). They wrote the message in the dead of night, and
next morning it was bold and white for the world to see.
The 'kicker' came after. She came out, saw the graffiti, and immediately
grabbed a hose and WATERED IT OFF!

To this day, those sections of grass are just a little bit greener than
everything around them, and the words can STILL be read!

This reminds me of a story that a former roommate related to me. In college
he and a group of friends got revenge on complete strangers. ....Well, let
me set up the situation.

Y'know how sometimes you gotta park real far away from your destination
because certain types of people like to take up two parking spaces...?
Well, he and his friends got a little ticked about this, especially during
weekends at the school. One day, they decided to get even with every
\verb+"#@@#\$#@$&&"+ that took up "their" space. They turned the car
sideways.
As he said, "He wanted that space so bad, now he can have it for a loooong
time!"

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In a similar vein, tell your victim that you have a test of coordination
you would like him to try with you. Find a door with a fairly large crack
between the door and the wall when the door is open. (You know, over by
the hinges; across the width of the door from the doorknob...) You need an
egg (NOT hard-boiled), and a wood floor (you don't want the egg cracking on
carpeting, do you??). Now, have your victim get on the opposite side of
the door from you, and put 2 fingers through the door. Hand him the egg,
in those two fingers. Working with him, trade the egg back and forth a
couple of times, moving UP the door frame. After you have his confidence,
leave. He will be trapped there, holding this egg by two fingers through
the door. If he lets go and nobody takes the egg, it will crash to the
floor. Best to do in the person's own room.

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A few years ago some members of the infamous Dartmouth Outing Club pushed
an occupied one-seat outhouse off its foundations, onto its door. The
victim tried in vain for a few minutes to roll the entire building onto a
different side, but soon gave up, as it was too heavy. She then was forced
to climb out through the seat, and over the pit near the bottom (now side)
of the outhouse.

The followup to this episode was that some `friends' seized me in the
middle of the night and tied my feet in a noose suspended in a tree. But
that's another story.

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This practical joke is hearsay. A fellow student some years ago
related the following. Apparently another student was a bit of
a braggar. His favourite topic was his car, and one sub-topic
was the terrific gas milage (pre-metric) it got.

So it began one evening. Fill up a one-gallon container of gas
each night and pour it into the victim's gas tank. Wait for the
story each day to get better and better. Repeat until it cannot
be taken any more. I believe 2 weeks was sufficient.

Finally the moment (days) of truth. Each night for 2 weeks,
the effect was reversed, and one gallon of gas was REMOVED from
the victim's tank. It was amazingly effective at reducing some
of the stories. I suspect the truth was never revealed to the
victim.

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Another harmless practical joke to be played on people living in
multiple story
apartment buildings is as follows:
Knock on victim's door. Say, "I've got to use your window, someone's
about to
jump from an apartment above yours." Run to window and look outside,
but don't
let victim look.
At this point your accomplice dumps a rag-filled dummy either from the
window
above or from the roof. The dummy should be fully closed; for added
realism put
some plastic bags of fake blood inside the clothes.
On the sidewalk below, a third accomplice puts down a plastic sheet, then
covers it with a sheet painted to resemble the sidewalk. After the body
hits,
let the victim see the gore, then convince him to run down and help
while you
stay and call the ambulance. As soon as the victim has left, signal your
accomplice to remove the sheets and the dummy and head for some prearranged
hiding place. Then you leave the apartment and disappear somewhere in the
building; later, you make your way downstairs and leave.
The victim will race downstairs expecting to find a dead bloody body and
will instead see only clean, empty pavement. Of course, it is best done
late
at night since the joke would be spoiled by a passer-by who informed the
victim of the "body's" fate.
The fun comes imagining the victim trying to convince the police or anyone
else of what happened!

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In our residence the lounge door can be locked (or unlocked) by any room
key from the floor. You can also remove the handles from a door (ie the lock
comes too) and switch the handles.

We did this to one guy, he was the only one who could lock the door to the
lounge (we never locked anyway) but everyone could get into his room.
Every night for a week (at about 3:30 am) someone would go in and do
something
to him while he was asleep (nothing really nasty). As he was a sound
sleeper, it
actually took him a week to figure out what was going on.

Disclaimer: Kids at home, Don't try this.

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This one reminded me of a joke some of the guys on our floor pulled on
another
guy while he was in the shower. While he was in the shower, they took
all his
clothes and even his towel and hung them outside in the hall (over water
pipes in the ceiling - we were in the basement). I don't know how long he
stayed in there and/or whether or not someone ever gave him back his
clothes.
The worst part of this one was that there were 2 shower stalls in the
bathroom -
and I happened to be in the other one; it could of happened to me!!

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In my younger days, while employed at a warehouse, I was the butt
of the usual practical jokes directed at newcomers.(Fetch me a light-bulb
repair kit, son;etc) As days passed, I noticed that one of my antagonists
was actually afraid of his terminal. This was at the time when the press
was full of accounts of the dangers of X-rays from color TV's, and this
guy was deathly afraid of the noise made by the high-voltage section of the
CRT as it warmed up. Each morning he sat in his swivel chair, coffee in his
left hand, and with the chair as far as possible away from the terminal,
used
his right hand to quickly flick the ON switch, and then jerked it away from
THE CERTAIN DEATH THAT AWAITED. After the racket settled down, he would
wheel
up to the terminal and commence operations.
This situation was too good for yours truly to pass up. I went
upstairs
and pulled out a stock item, a stadium buzzer, used by high schools on the
football fields to announce the end of a quarter. I came in early the next
morning and installed it in one of his file boxes, near the terminal. I
ran the
wires out to the next office via a pass-thru, and alerted all of the staff
(but him) of what was about to transpire.
He entered the room, coffee in hand, and sat in his chair. All
others
were heads-down in work. He adjusted his chair to the proper distance,
reached
way out for the switch, and as soon as he pulled, I plugged in the cord.
As the
buzzer sounded, he assumed the facial expressions of one who has seen death
reaching it's skeltal fingers to snatch him from the land of the living.
Coffee flew to the ceiling, and for a few brief seconds before hitting the
opposite wall, a new world land speed record for backward swivel-chair
operation was established!

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Preface: The person that this is played on must be someone who really
deserves it because it takes several people to pull off. He must
also live on the first floor of his dorm. It must also occur in the winter
in a suitably cold and barren area like Dartmouth.

PHASE 1:

We did this trick to someone we found very difficult to live with.
When the victim was away from his room we began to pile up a large amount of
snow outside of his window. The conditions were perfect. His window was
divided into two sections. One didn't open, the other (in theory) swung
outward like a door. The snow was wet and packed heavily and easily.
(On colder days a hose may be used to harden the snow.) We built a huge
pile of snow which reached six or eight feet back from the part of his
window that swung. We then, as a demoralizing factor, put a cosmetic layer
of snow which completely covered the section which didn't open.

When we had finished the outside work we went into his room and closed his
shade and curtain so that he would not notice what we had done until it was
too late.

PHASE 2:

We then waited for him to come home. Luckily his room was on a side of the
dorm away from the entrance so that our work wasn't visible from the
approach.
He arrived and entered his room. We listened outside his door until we
heard his shade go up and a sudden "What the F--K?" as only pure, white
snow was visible through the window. At this point we wedged a paperback
book between his door and the frame. (Similar to using pennies, but more
effective.)

We then sat back and listened as he started towards the door.
"Allright, who
put all the snow outside my...what the F--K? OPEN THIS DOOR!"

The show got more exciting as he, thinking that he could still just go
out the
window, walked over, opened his curtain, tried to open the window, and
became
aware of the magnitude of the problem facing him. He had no phone, and so
could not call the campus police to come help him. His neighbors would
not heed his cries, because most of them had assisted us with the trick.

We eventually released him, but only after he had come to the
realization that
he needed to be more considerate of those living around him, or else face
living out the rest of a prematurely shortened life in a small, snow
covered dorm room.

----------------------------------------------------------------


My favorite dorm practical joke involved collecting newspapers for about 3
months by everyone. When a guy on my floor had a three hour lab we crumpled
up newspapers and completely filled his room from floor to ceiling.
When he returned, he had to go in through in the bathroom, and wasn't
even able
to get the door open far enough to get through.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Want some fun times! Heres the way:

1. While your friend is sleeping, carefully water down his mattress.
(If he sleeps in a waterbed, just give it a few punctures)

2. Take an extension cord, clip off the cube-tap, seperate the wires,
and strip the two ends, exposing about two inches of bare wire.

3. Wrap one end around his left big toe, the other on his right.

4. Stand near an electrical outlet, plug the poor unsuspecting soul in!

This is a great ice breaker for your new roommate, etc. Cleanup is
a bit, er, messy, but well worth the gag. You can be guarenteed that
the victim will be impressed! And think of it: No retaliation! It's
the perfect practical joke! And to think that nobody's posted it yet.

----------------------------------------------------------------


About nine years ago the book "The Adolescense of P1" was very popular at
the computer shop where I was employed. In case you don't know, this is
about a hacker named Gregory and a computer program he wrote which is self-
perpetuating. Years later he is employed as an honest Systems Analyst
and has
almost forgotten about his "child." Then the system downstairs prints out
"CALL GREGORY" and locks up ... followed by a thickening plot, some
humorous, some frightening.

I worked nights. It wasn't hard to replace the boot file on our system
disks
with another that typed out "CALL GREGORY" before replacing itself with the
original.

It's funny that there haven't been more computer practical jokes posted
here. What a marvelous opportunity the computer affords the practical
joker!

I designed and wrote a point-of-sale system which was first installed in
1976, after which I left the company. At midnight, December 31, 1977 every
system in the country stopped whatever it was doing, flashed every light and
sounded every beeper on every cash register, printed "Happy New Year" on
every printer, and went back to whatever it was doing. I wonder how that
happened?

Some of the least elaborate practical jokes are the most effective. Go with
a couple of friends, stand near some busy street corner, and take a great
interest in some point near the top of a tall building, or maybe just up in
the sky. Watch the reactions of people around you.

Take an old windowshade, go to a gymnastics show or anywhere else where
people
wear leotards, wait for someone to do a split, and tear the windowshade
briskly, making a very loud ripping sound ...

Go to any gag store and get a fake plastic vomit. Put it in a drinking
fountain. Wet it is amazingly realistic ...

----------------------------------------------------------------


Back around 1969 at another university, we had just gotten time sharing
facilities and because of the unrest (this was about Kent State) we had
armed guards protecting the computer and the few terminals. It being
around midnight, I got the guards playing an interactive monopoly game.
The next evening i was confronted by a VERY upset computer operator.
Apparently at about 4:00AM one guard landed on Boardwalk and the game
ended when he didn't have enough money to pay the rent. The guards
DEMANDED the operator restart the game and bcame more and more upset
when he couldn't.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Recipe for LARGE quantities of soapsuds:

1. Fill a large bucket with hot water.

2. Empty contents of one bottle of dishwashing detergent into bucket
(Ivory,
Joy, Dawn, or equivalent).

3. Drop in a few pounds of dry ice that has been crushed to small pieces.

4. STAND BACK!

Recipe will fill a phone booth, or a small room (or even a big one).
A friend and I once did this in the bed of his truck. While stopped at
traffic signals the whole bed would fill up to the rim with suds. Then,
as we would accelerate away from the light, large "chunks" would break loose
and waft lazily through the air, causing much consternation to the traffic
behind. On the freeway the result was much smaller pieces of suds billowing
out of the back of the truck. It looked like a snowstorm! It's funnier to
see than the description sounds. We were hysterical.

Also, the soap can be omitted from the above to obtain fog. A phone booth
that is opaque with dense fog looks pretty strange too.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Okay, this is something me and my best friend did to our Comp. Sci.
teacher senior year of high school.

We started this joke by getting into heated arguments for a
week before the actual event and of course everything was building up
a big head of steam. By this time the other kids knew something was
up and we let them in on the joke, so now we have about 30 people
helping in our cause.
Anyway, on the day of the crime we went to the school's
dressing room and, since we were both active in the drama club, no one
asked what we were there for. So, I get ready for the fun by making
myself a nice layer of plasti-skin and filled it with stage blood.
Danny, my friend, obtained the services of a prop knife, you know one
of the ones that retract and we tested the depth of the cut with the
thickness of the skin, it was right, so now we are set.
We walk into class seperated by about a minute and we start
right where we had left off, teh name calling, the pushing and all the
other aspects of high schoolers that don't like each other. So Danny
pulls the knife out of his pocket and yells, "That's it Ray, you're
dead." So he swings at my neck and the knife cuts the plasti-skin and
the stage blood goes everywhere, I crumple in a gurgling heap and lay
prone under the table of trash80's. Mr. Waddington comes up and sees
Danny standing over me with a blood covered knife and sees me
apparently dead starts to roll me over. I flop over like any good
corpse and he dabs at the blood now covering my neck and says the line
I was waiting for, "My God you killed him!" At that moment, I opened
my eyes and asked him what he was doing. I have heard of peoples
faces going white and now I saw it.
After he relised what we had done, he congradulated us on a
job well done.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Where I used to work, one of the group leaders used to have a
Playboy calender. One of the young ladies who objected to the posting
did a mastectomy \& placed the paper in the phone between the pickup
and the connection. The phone seemed to be complete, but did not work.

----------------------------------------------------------------


One prank I haven't seen listed yet is the one I used to do at summer
camp and the college dorm. Take the top off the toilet tank. Inside,
there is usually a vertical plastic pipe about 1 inch in diameter.
Going into the top of this pipe is a little plastic tube. Turn the
tube outward and, if it is long enough, then put it toward the toilet
bowl with the end just sticking out. Replace the tank cover, making
sure that the little plastic tube is just sticking out. When someone
flushes, the tube will squirt water.

One time in Colorado I did this at 3:00am. The guy that got caught
must have flushed with his elbow while still seated. His back was
sprayed with ice cold water. His language was abominable, and made
funnier since this was a Christian camp. Oh well, we're all human.

----------------------------------------------------------------


These are computer-related practical jokes played by an old
acquaintence years ago at a nameless university in Northern
California. He wisened up and stopped playing them when the
various administrations of the computer centers found out who
it was. Sometimes I simply could not believe that he would do
things like this.

The first one was probably the worst. The undergraduate computer
center was being connected to a large terminal lab across campus via
a long line across campus. This had taken the technical folks who
worked at the computer center months of planning, pulling cables,
attaching lines, reconfiguring the system, and so forth.

It was at about this time that Jack (not his real name), wrote a
program called "GARB" (short for "Garbage") This program sat in the
background running at low priority. It would choose a random interval,
sometimes seconds, sometimes minutes, sleep for that interval, and
then wakeup. At that point, it would choose a random ASCII character
and then choose a random terminal on that computer and send the character
to the terminal. Then it would loop back into its sleep mode until the
next time it woke up.

The administration and technical people spent weeks wondering why
their attempts at connecting cross-campus cables were causing spurious
data across existing lines, as well as the lines that had been connected.
They had people out there with the elaborate technical equipment trying
to trace down the source of the "noise" that was polluting the terminal
lines with stray characters.

Quite a while later, they did indeed discover the problem and confronted
Jack. I'm not sure what happened after that.

Another thing Jack did, before that, was write a program called "GOD".
It would patch the running monitor and actually insert a jump into the
code that performed the logout-job function within the monitor. The
jump simply took control of the monitor to a patch-area elsewhere
within memory where a simple comparison took place to see if the
logout being requested was of any jobs belonging to Jack. If so, it
simply did a no-op, with an appropriate return-condition indicating
success (so that the calling program which initiated the system call
would not know the job had not been logged out). This program, "GOD"
most came in handy to Jack during the wee morning hours when few
people used the system but the proverbial "wheel wars" occurred, in
which enabled superusers with privileges attempted to conquer each other
in various ways.

Needless to say, none of the above behavior is tolerated by the
administration any more, with good reason.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Propose to the victim a co-ordination test, and tell him that it
has been
taken by the brightest people around you (quote some scores!). You
sit in
front of the victim and put your palms about twelve inches apart. The
victims
task is very simple. With eyes closed, his palms clasped together, he
should
cautiously take his palms between your palms, remove them, and
repeat the
process. Of course he must not touch your palms otherwise he "looses". Each
cycle counts as one point and "any average person can get 100 points". As I
said, tell him the scores of some other people you know.

Let him paractice a little with his eyes open. Then blindfold him (to
avoid
the "natural" temptation of cheating) and say START. After a while leave. it
is a hilarious sight to see a person rock his clasped palms back annd forth
for no obvious reason.

Be sure to invite many of your friends to witness this sight. You will find
that this co-ordination test really sounds sincere, and many innocent people
who listen to you explaining to the chosen victim, actually volunteer to
take
the test before the victim. This gives you a choice of victims to choose
from.

OK, OK... I insisted on taking this test too and made a fool of myself !!

----------------------------------------------------------------


1. This one happened impromptu. A group of us were novice UNIX hacks
working
for our department of computer science, all on similar terminals. I had
written a small program that would transmit a single character at a time to
another terminal. (No big deal, but no one else had tried it.) One guy was
typing away, and I was making his cursor "wiggle" by pressing the
forward and
reverse arrow keys. He exclaimed that something was wrong with his cursor.
Another guy picked up on this, and explained that the cursor beam must
be loose.
He gave the right side of the first guy's (John's) terminal a good hard
whack,
I transmitted a carriage return. John laughed, but actually sat there
typing
in (some text), and whacking the side of the terminal every time he needed a
carriage return, FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. Needless to say, we were hysterical.

The second guy, (Tim), says "John, watch this!" and put his hand under
John's
desk and gave the underside of the desk another whack: I transmitted a
"HOME"
character, moving the cursor to the top of the screen, again as if the whack
had moved the cursor. John continues typing, whacking the bottom and
side of
the terminal whenever he needs cursor motion. Tim smacks the top of the
terminal and I transmit a CLEAR key: it looked as if the characters have
been
"knocked off" the screen. John is just about the get the lab manager when
we clue him in.

2. I once had a job as a COBOL programmer. A particular program was to
input no more than 20 items from an operator, and them produce the
appropriate
report from them. I asked my boss what the program should do if the
operator wanted more than 20 items to appear in the report. He said, oh,
that will never happen. But what if it does, I asked. Gruffly, he said,
have it notify the operator.

This particular machine had a seriously loud bell (control G) that sounded
like a real bell, plus it was fairly easy to make the screen flash off
and on.
I coded it to flash and ring the alarm for a minute. I tried it once and
it was truly alarming. I never heard if anybody tried to enter more than
twenty items, but it is something I think about from time to time ...

----------------------------------------------------------------


on the subject of practical jokes on the computer, i pulled the following
one. when i was in college at new mexico tech (located in socorro, which
is spanish for help!), i was a programmer for several departments. as a
result, i was setting up some user interfaces. the machine was a dec 20
(with tops20) and there was a central terminal room with about thirty adm 3s
(now, there is a terminal) in it. anyway, when this 20 went down in a
controled manner it would send out a warning "dec 20 going down", then
three dots at one second intervals, then a "p", then go down. when it came
up, it would send out a message "dec 20 coming up", then three dots at
one second intervals, then a "p", then the login header. anyway, the
victum sat down to use a statistical package (it is so much fun to play with
people whose use canned stat packages). after he had been on for ten
minutes, he received the dec 20 going down sequence and then his terminal
went dead. so he waited (about five minutes). however, all during this
time, everyone around him was typing away merrily. finally he asked if
the system had gone down. everyone said no. then he asked the operator.
again no. then the system manager. he finally brought back the user
servant (someone paid to answer user's questions) back to the terminal.
they played with the switches, then the user servant scratched his head
and said "beats me". about this time, the message "dec system 20
reengaged" appeared on his terminal, then the three dots, then the "p",
then the message "automatic login in effect, status at crash resumed"
and he was right where he left off! the program that caused this then
deleted (and expunged) itself. to this day, i don't think he knows what
happened to him.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Another practical joke under the guise of a co-ordination test is the
following. Ask your victim to take a quarter and place it on a piece of
paper. Then ask him to take a pencil, and without removing his finger off
the quarter, to draw a circle around the quarter. Have him repeat the same
exercise with each of his fingers pressing on top of the quarter.
Afterwards,
have him pick up the quarter and rub it along the bridge of his nose. It'll
then be really funny to watch him walk around with a black line on his face.

I also have heard of a practical joke that can be done to a person while
he/she is sleeping. If the person's hand is dipped in warm water, this
causes a subconscious relaxation of the bladder and causes the person to
wet his/her bed. I have never tried this, nor have I seen it tried, but I've
heard it from quite a few people. Has anyone out there ever tried it?

----------------------------------------------------------------


This is true. It seems that a colleague and myself are scheduled to
present a paper next month at an AI conference. We've never heard of
the conference nor did we write a paper.

Also, just today I got a letter that begins "Thank you for agreeing to
serve as chairperson of the following session at ICASSP-87 in Dallas,
texas." I've never met nor spoke to the person sending the letter nor
did I agree to be a chairperson. Either someone is setting me (us) up
or this is a sneaky way to get volunteers.

----------------------------------------------------------------


A computer related practical joke a played in my younger days
(2 years ago...) was to write an unstoppable program (disabled
break, CTRL-C, etc...) that would imitate the login procedure. I
would leave it running on a public terminal and whenever
somebody tried to logon, it would always print the message
'User validation error' (Or whatever message corresponding
to the operating system [that was VAX/VMS.] login error)
and loop back.

Meanwhile, the user ID and the password were written in a file
in my directory...

The only way to get out of the program was to turn off the
gandalf box.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Back in the good old college days, when pulling all-nighters (sure, you must
have done some of those before!), at about 2 or 3am, try calling someone to
"remind" them to go to the bathroom (or do something). Wait for half-an-hour
or so, call again just to make sure s/he did what you asked them to do
earlier!

----------------------------------------------------------------


When I was out at Union College in Schenectady N.Y, we had a great college
radio station that would give away pizzas, movie passes, clothes, etc. for
answering trivia questions throughout the day. One day, my friend and I
recorded a trivia question on our tape deck and kept the tape in the deck.
A little later one of our good friends came over to visit and we were all
listening to the campus station. As soon as one of the songs ended, we
turned
on the tape with out our friend noticeing and the D.J asked a trivia
question
for a large pizza. Our friend knew the answer and since he was closed
to the
phone, he immediatly picked it up and dialed the station. He was really
excited
that he got through and started yelling the answer at the mystified D.J.
He was
incredibly embarrased, we were trying so hard not to laugh it hurt.

----------------------------------------------------------------


DEC 20 practical jokes were rampant at an undergraduate computer center
I once frequented. One practical joker, call him Jack (yes, the same
Jack mentioned in an earlier message on this list), wrote a program
that was really rather nasty.

This program maintained two tables or arrays of strings. The strings
would be things like:

[FROM TTY NN: HI SWEETIE, JUST CAUGHT YOU LOOKING AT ME]
or
[FROM TTY NN: HEY YOU GORGEOUS HUNK, COME OVER AND MEET ME]

The program would cycle through the system sending out these messages
occasionally to a random terminal, insuring that the terminal mentioned
in the terminal messages above would have an actual logged-in job.
The person who received the message would either be a) annoyed b)
flattered and want to meet their admirer or c) angry.

I heard that many meetings of users resulted from this program.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Some friends of mine in high school used to turn in assignments from the old
IBM /370 with start of execution at 07:58:00 Dec 7 1941 (apologies about the
time if in error, but history is not my forte).

----------------------------------------------------------------


The hardest to do/forget practical joke that I know is a variation on
the theme of dismantling something large and then reassembling it in
someone's office/apartment/dorm room.

Locally there was a VP who was a Volkswagen Beetle Fan, so for his
birthday, some of the people who work for him stuck one in his office.
It made the newspaper when the refused to take it apart.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Allow me to be the first to recommend an excellent book of $really$
nasty revenge getters. It's called "Getting Even: the complete book
of Dirty Tricks" (in 2 volumes, I believe) Unfortunately, I don't
have my copy here, so I can't give the author's name, but I think
it (they?) was published by Paladin Press.

It contains real gems for all occasions. (mad at the landlord that
evicted you? seal the apartment after introducing 10-15 cats and
plenty of food/water)

Warning: most of these dirty tricks are $really$ nasty, don't use
these on people you might have to deal with in the future.

----------------------------------------------------------------


In 1972 I was working at a very boring job in an aerospace factory.
There were three guys my age (early 20's) in the department and we
werw always playing what we saw as a joke on some poor unsuspecting
soul. I was also in the Navy Reserve at the time and had to take
two weeks off during the Summer to due my training. When I returned
from two weeks off, not yet bored enough yet to begin playing more
jokes, the other three guys went off their heads pulling any kind of
trivial, dangerous or otherwise obnoxious stunt they could think of.
At the end of the second day the supervisor called me into the office
and said:

"Jones, I don't know what's the matter with you but you better knock
it off. I've had two weeks of peace and quiet while you were gone
and now that you're back all hell's breaking loose. You go on back
out there and stop bothering people."

I knew that I hadn't done anything but I didn't bother to protest.
I could recognize a well executed joke when I saw one.

----------------------------------------------------------------


A great trick I have gotten away with many a time requires a little
preparation, simply to go to the grocery and get a few packages of Kool-Aid.
Then while your 'prey' is away, simply spread it nice and liberally into his
bed, best if done in stripes, to leave his body in different colors. This
works best in a warm room where he is sure to sweat during the night to the
utmost.

----------------------------------------------------------------


If you have access to a two(or more) line phone, this is a
great one,
dial the first six numbers of your prey's phone number, and put that line on
hold, then dial the other number; a pizza place, or his girlfriend is
good for
starters, then escalate to college offices, activist terrorist organizations
and the CIA are good from then on. After you dial the second number, quickly
put the second number on hold, then dial the last number of the first number
and push BOTH buttons down at the same time to activate both calls at once,
then listen, but don't laugh, or they might hear you and do worse in return.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Try taping a drunk to his bed. Get a large roll of masking tape and
when he passes out wind it around him and the bed.

Another good one to do with a drunk is to put one of those fake bald
heads over his hair. Then when he wakes up ask him if he knows what
he did last night.

----------------------------------------------------------------


I am far too Nice a person to ever have done these, but a friend of
mine...:
1. Leave old trash paperbacks around launderettes and other public places.
Write inside the front cover: Property of (Victim). I need this book
for my thesis. If found, please return to (address) for \$10.00 reward.
2. Post ads around town for a garage sale (or open house) at Victim's house
starting at 7:00 AM next Sunday.
3. Call lots of people and identify yourself as the victim, and say "I was
walking throught the neighborhood recently and just realized I dropped
my wallet. Could you please check the sidewalk in front of your house
and let me know if you find it? Thanks $so$ much. My phone number
is...

----------------------------------------------------------------


How about some chocolate Ex-lax in brownies.

Or maybe some ambesol in the mouthwash.

----------------------------------------------------------------


The best practical joke I know of is from MASH. However, you need a
reputation
as an incorrigable joker for it to work. Just let the person know you are
going to play a big one on him within 5 days. (Pick your time frame.) And
that he will be powerless to stop you. If you do it right, he'll worry
himself
to pieces and make a fool of himself. Then DO NOTHING.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Go to one of those miniature golf courses that has a windmill hole.
Replace the motor with one that can spin the windmill at about 1000 RPM.
Then illuminate it with a strobe light so it looks like its moving at
about the same speed as before.

----------------------------------------------------------------


How `bout those relatives that seem to stay longer than expected....

If you had someone staying at your house, especially if they're traveling
with small children, help them pack up the car. Slip some limburger (sp?)
cheese into their car somewhere where it'll slowly get warm. You can
imagine the consternation when they pull to a rest stop to change junior's
diapers and find nothing there. Or the line, "Did you hit a skunk or ...?"

----------------------------------------------------------------


1) Get a piece of plastic as long as the victims bed and a little over
twice as wide. Remove his mattress from his bed frame and line the frame
with the plastic. Tape the plastic to the bed if necessary. Fill with
water
(a hose connected to the tub is helpful). Fold the rest of the plastic
over the water, and make the bed. (Done to my roommate by mutual friend.)

2) If your victim has a roommate, switch all their possesions. Or, turn
all the posters upside down and hang the furniture from the ceiling. (Both
done to me.)

3) If your victim $is$ your roommate, switch the material in your waste
baskets and pull his bed away from the wall a quarter of an inch
every day.

4) Wait till your victim is away for a weekend. Dip everything plastic
(pens, phones, etc.) in liquid nitrogen, break it, and stick it together
again. Everything plastic will break when he picks it up.

5) Polish the floor and stick teflon to the legs of select items of
furniture. (The polished floor is a bit of a giveaway, but teflon isn't
dramatically slick if there's much grime.)

----------------------------------------------------------------


Maybe a bit on the "im"-practical side but if REVENGE is what you
want...

I s'pose the keyword (superglue) says it all. The places I've like to hit
are the person's car - namely the dust caps on the tire valve stems,
the gas cap, and the windshield wipers. Pretty nasty, ain't I?

Then there's always putting a paper bag of shit on the person's front
step, setting it on fire, knocking on the door, and running like hell.
The victim will come to the door, see the fire, and will usually try
to stomp it out with his foot.

I'll be the first that these are rather terrible and childish but...

----------------------------------------------------------------


This was done to me when I was in college and living in a fraternity house;
Take someone's door and hide it for a while. You would really be surprised
how often you want to close the dang thing and it's not there to do it!

----------------------------------------------------------------


A recent favourite in our residence has involved
the kidnapping of some small beloved object (teddy bear,
harp seal, stuffed banana, etc.). Once this object has
disappeared and before its owner has noticed it's gone,
suspend it from a window in the dining hall, tv lounge,
physics building,... If small animals don't work for you,
perhaps mens undergarments stolen from the laundry might?

----------------------------------------------------------------


I think I have one of these books. It is by George Heyduke (Hayduke?).
When
I read it, I was practically overcome with mirth. Some of the things he
sug-
gests are hilarious! It says right in the book that it is written for
enter-
tainment purposes only, and not to try any of the ideas, so I guess he
has his
behind covered. Some of the better ideas that I remember are:

1. "Time bombs." This is the phrase he uses to describe chicken parts.
Easily gotten at any supermarket, they are innocent little items that
can be carried almost anywhere (in a baggie, if neccessary). But when
stashed in an out-of-the-way place, like under furniture cushions
in the
house or under car seats or in the trunk in a car, and given a little
time, YOW! Watch out for the smell! Gotten ripped off by a used-car
dealer? Wait awhile, then take some test drives in some other cars.
With a few strategically placed "bombs" in a car with the windows
closed
in the hot sun.... use your imagination. Getting evicted? Remove some
outlet covers or switch covers and stuff some of these babies down
inside
the wall. They'll be impossible to find, and won't start to smell
until
after you're long gone.

2. Parties. Parties are great fun to plan, especially if you plan them for
someone else to host (as a surprise). Print up a few flyers for a
party
at your victim's house and distribute them where undesirables will be
sure to see them. For example, you might put up flyers around
biker bars
advertising "all the beer you can drink", and "crowning of Miss
Biker", or
something equivalent. Even if the reluctant host doesn't let them
in his
house when the horde shows up, he will still wind up with a party
on his
lawn. Of course, if you're his neighbor this gives you a good
reason to
complain to the cops or to his landlord, etc.

3. Set your victim against a third party, or against another victim. Let
other people do your dirty work for you. Here's an example: Call up
the electric or gas company and impersonate your victim. Request that
service be terminated for a week or two (going on vacation, or
whatever).
As soon as that happens, call your victim. Impersonate an officer
of the
gas/electric company, and be very nasty and abusive, saying that
service
has been discontinued because of non-payment of bills. This should
rile up
your victim, asasuming that he HAS paid his bill and knows it. At
any rate,
tell him he must come down to the office immediately to discuss the
problem
or you will send the police to his house to collect, or something
like that.
Then, once you have him mad, and know he is going to the gas/electric
company, call up that company. Impersonate your victim. Be very
nasty,
and try to get into an argument with a supervisor. Wind up the conver-
sation by saying that you are coming down there right now with a
gun, and
you are going to kill somebody. Then hang up.

Or, if you call enough times so that people associate your voice
with his
name, you could call back some time after the argument and make a bomb
threat. They would recognize the voice as being 'him', and knowing
that
he was disgruntled would make him a prime suspect.

4. Buy a cheap toy gun. Plant it in your victim's car. Then call the
police
and anonomously report that you saw a suspicious armed person in
the area,
and give the vehicle's description and location. A variation of
this would
be to plant baggies full of phony drugs. He probably won't be
arrested,
but he will probably be stopped and harrassed.

5. Enter subscriptions in his name to the most filthy homo/bondage/snuff
magazines you can find, and change his address by one so his NEIGHBOR
receives them. His neighbors will not only be disgusted by his perver-
sions, they will also be irritated by the fact that he is too dumb to
even get his address right on a subscription.

6. If you can get one of his credit cards, or even a charge receipt or
carbon copy of one, use the account to order gifts through the mail.
Order gifts for REAL friends and relatives of the victim, and have
them delivered directly to the recipient. It puts him in an embarras-
sing position to have to explain to his family and friends how his
gift to them must be returned. Also, can you imagine the guy trying
to convince the bank that HE did not make the purchases? Don't use his
charge accounts for your own benefit, or you will very likely be
caught.

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Another joke which one can easily perpetrate goes like this:

Fill a plastic, or rubber, tube with water. Hold the tube
vertically up into the air and with the thumb of one hand
plug up the bottom hole of the tube and place it next to
your ear (hide the fact that you are plugging the hole).

Next, call a friend, or victim, and tell him that you are
hearing something really strange through the tube and he
should come over and listen in on it. When he gets close
enough to your ear to listen turn the tube towards his ear
and release your thumb.

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My favorite was to place a singles' advertisment for the victim.
I'll leave it to you to think of what to say, but my favorite was
(for a heterosexual person) to place an ad looking for someone of the
same sex.

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I believe this is from "The Complete Book of Dirty Tricks."

First, go to the library and find some phone books for large cities.
In one of the phone books you should be able to find a person who has
the same name as the target. Then go down to the post office and file
a change of address for the target, forwarding his mail to himself in
a far away city.

If I remember correctly the book states that this is very illegal and
is only included for amusement.

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Enter subscriptions in his name to the most filthy homo/bondage/snuff
magazines you can find, and change his address by one so his NEIGHBOR
receives them. His neighbors will not only be disgusted by his perver-
sions, they will also be irritated by the fact that he is too dumb to
even get his address right on a subscription.

An ex-brother-in-law of mine did something like this for revenge on a
downstairs neighbor. He put a very kinky ad in the Berkeley Barb, which
included said neighbor's phone number -- "call any time".

Another person I know told me he once ordered some phony business
stationary,
and used it to place an order for a 70,000 pound steel coil to be delivered
to this person's (a high school teacher) address. The coil showed up
and got dumped on the front lawn.

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One of the best ones I heard, was to do the following:

During winter time in any part of the country where it gets really
cold, take your victims mattress, soak in water until it has reached
it's saturation level, then hang it outside until it freezes solid.
Once solid, replace on the victim's bed and make the bed up to look
like normal. Boy will they be surprised when they go to bed.

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Next time when you are having dinner, keep an empty jug of water on the
table.
When somebody asks you to pass the jug, pretend while picking it up that
it is
full of water and heavy. Keep the jug on the table near the victim. The
victim will apply what he/she considers is appropriate strength needed
to pick
up the jug. This will cause the jug to jerk up to a significant height. The
sight is very funny and so is the victim's face.

Must try to believe. Even the most prude of your aunts will not mind being a
victim of this joke.

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AH yes.. ye ole highschool days.... (seems everyone knows of or has done a
VW bug stunt already). We also had a rather unliked teacher, whose VW was
carried up onto the gymnasium stage on the last day of school. Needless to
say, every year after that he arrived on the last day of school driving
the cab of his brother's semi.

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This is more of a practical joke WITH a Beetle . . . . MIT has some very
wide,
very long corridors that turn out to be VW-accessible. One night a guy
I knew
started cruising the corridors. The practical joke came when the campus
police
started chasing him. He whipped around a corner, into a freight
elevator, and
away. They never found him.

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My favourite practical joke involves on of those long line-ups
for tickets to a concert or something. First you go to the front
of the line and then walk the entire length, looking over everyone
as if you were trying to find a friend. When you get to the back you
walk back to the front doing the same thing, but this time even
slower. Then when you reach the front you turn and quickly run
to the back again, machine-gunning everybody as you go. Then you
go up to the ticket office and say "Get it?" This is a classic
joke and as you can see it is also quite practical, since it gets
you to the front of the line very fast.

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If you live in a dorm with tiles on the bathroom door, pour rubbing alcohol
in the cracks, wait for your victim to go into the bathroom and seat
himself, and light the alcohol.

If you can get into your victim's house, staple the sides of many paper
cups together so that they are in a ring or matrix configuration (anything
too large to drag out the door), and fill them all with water.

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A friend who lived in Durham sent a postcard to his girlfriend in Milwaukee
that said "Here is a check for the twenty dollars I owe you." and had a
blank spot and a piece of tape on it.

Six letters came to him from Milwaukee, some with photos, none from people
he knew, and all expressing interest in a personal to which they alluded.
One was from a male. He assumed that his girlfriend had placed a personal
with his address in the paper there; she had just enlisted help in letter-
writing.

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One good practical joke that I've seen done to somebody:

1) Take an old record album cover.

2) Fill the insides with shaving cream.

3) Place it halfway under a locked door to the victim's office, home, room,
etc. with the open end inside the room.

4) Jump on it.

Another, if you can get access to the victim's key chain is to switch all
his keys for keys that look exactly the same, but don't fit the locks he's
trying to open. If you can be around for this one, it's much more fun to
watch the person go crazy as he cannot open anything he owns.

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This reminds me of something a friend of mine did to get
even with a landlord that evicted him. There was a hole
in one of his walls so he put a couple of dead fish in
in the hole. He then plastered over the hole and repainted
the wall. Can you imagine the smell after a month of summer
heat? Nobody could tell where the odor would be coming from
until the bottom of the wall would start to rot. He did some
other things to the house but this was by far the most
subtle and undetectable until some time later.

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One of my favorite practical jokes is to get a somewhat long
spool of rope, and when walking down the street ( acting official..),
get someone to assist you in measuring a distance. Pick a spot near
a corner , go around, and find another person to hold the other end of
the rope. Go across the street and just wait...

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Ask somebody what time it is when he/she is holding
a glass of fluid in the hand attached to the wrist where he/she wears
a watch. You'll be surprised how many people pour fluid onto themselves
trying to be helpful to you.

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Buy a BIG pile of magazines of every conceivable sort, and clip every
coupon for a catalog, trial product, free brochure, etc. Specialty
magazines have the most, such as hobbies or sports (or computers).
Your victim should be deluged with junk mail (and since most such
lists get sold to other lists, the response will be a geometric
function of the number of clips you send).

A friend of mine and I once almost started a junkmail war, but formed
a truce before, because we knew it would follow us around for years...

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It should be noted by people wishing to play practical jokes, that
some people take them dead seriously. Such people tend to escalate
the level of jokes by a couple of magnitudes. My three favorite stories
are from different colleges.

One joker sprinkled finely ground powdered milk underneath his
victim's sheets. It acts like powdered sugar in the sense that, as you
sweat in your sleep, it dissolves and comes up through the sheets onto
your body and into your pores. But your sweat makes it sour, and when it
gets into your pores, it stays there. You smell very strongly of sour
milk for about a week (4 days if you shower and sauna every day). The
next weekend, when the joker was walking back from a party, three guys
jumped him. They were dressed in ski masks and painter's suits (those
light paper/cloth jumpsuits that people wear to paint autobodies). They
stripped, tied, blindfolded and gagged the joker, and spraypainted
him blue. No one was ever caught.

In another case, a yuppy practical joker taped a guy's car closed with
strapping and duct tape (the thing apparently looked like a ball of tape
when he got through). For those of you that don't know, the adhesive on
such tapes ruins a car's paint job, and can, if you try to remove it en
masse,
even take off chips of paint and door guards (especially in winter). Two
days
later, the yuppie's BMW was found with all four of its racing radials
slashed
to ribbons. The yuppy of course, called the police on the guy who's car he
taped. The guy did not admit to slashing the tires, as opposed to the
yuppie,
who told the police why he thought the other guy was responsible (ie: he
admitted to the police that he taped the other car). Charges were never
pressed about the BMW (lack of evidence), and charges were pressed about the
car taping. Did the guy actually slash the BMW wheels? He always claimed
that he didn't (of course the last time I knew, the statute of limitations
wasn't up yet).

Then of course there's the people who take the direct route to revenge.
Some guy thought he would make a very large, easy going, farm boy feel more
at home. So he got some fresh pig manure and dumped it in the farm boy's
room.
The very large farm boy, apparently lacking a cultured sense of humor,
beat the living shit out of the joker. Then he told the joker that if it
happened again, the joker would eat the pigshit. Nobody doubted him.

So be very careful who you decide to pull a practical joke on, because they
may not think it's as funny as you do.

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Call a mortuary and report the victim dead. Arrange to have his body
picked up
at his house sometime when he is at home.

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One of my favorites is to put a couple of ping pong
balls in someones gas tank. The car will start just
fine and will run for a couple of blocks. Then the
balls will get sucked into the gas feed and cause
the car to die. The balls will now float back to the
top of the tank and he will be able to restart the car.
This will be very frustrating to the car owner, espiality
if he works on his own car. First he will replace the
fuel filter then maybe the fuel pump. From there on out
he will be pulling his hair out to figure out what to do
next.

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Another door-related practical joke, good in dorm-life scenarios:

1. Locate undesirable LP record w/ jacket. I recommend "Mystic Moods".
2. Fetch cardboard jacket-- should be in good condition, no split sides
or the such. (Save disc for frisbee-- they shatter in fine fashion when
hurled in a room. But I digress.)
3. Fetch can of shaving cream, e.g. Gillette Foamy or the like. Fill
album cover with shaving cream.
4. With accomplice, go to room of victim. Their door should be closed.
5. Fit open edge of cream-filled album cover under bottom of door.
6. Accomplice braces album cover.
7. Jump on album cover, ejecting shaving cream into dorm room.
8. Run like hell.

Note that if the intended victim's door fits the frame very tightly,
leaving little or no room for the escape of the shaving cream, step
number 7 will instead result in a shaving cream explosion in the
faces of the would-be jokers. This suggests an obvious alternate
"patsy" scenario...

This was funny when tried. Of course, most things are funny at 4 AM.

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My favourite was one I heard that someone at Boston University did to his
roomate, who he hated. Late one night, while the roomate, a very sound
sleeper, was asleep, this chap superglued his...er...male organ...to the
inside of his leg.

The roomate must have been a sound sleeper.

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I guess I am too restrained to perpetrade anything that might get
the victim shot by the cops, or committ credit card fraud in
the process.
But...
My favorite was always the Saran wrap on toilet bowl one.
Second prize goes to the chubby girl eons ago in high school.
A single teacher had made out of line remarks during class about
her size. She got him a paid subscription to a raunchy skin-mag
delivered to the school. He got called on the carpet but good,
and the Superintendent would not believe his protests of innocence..

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Okay!! Here's one I haven't seen:

Get a list on the free classified throwaways in town
and print the following:

RED 86 Vette: Won on game show, must sell, leaving
country. Steal!! First reasonable offer takes...
Call (Victims \#) after 1 am (I work nights) and let it
ring. Desperate, please hurry...

This should bring the desired results for at least a
week...

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We once pulled the reverse trick. The victim's room had a door whose latch
was of the pattern: handle each side; latch mechanism in middle; square rod
passes through latch mechanism and seats in handles (invisible from
outside).
We removed the outer handle, took away the rod, and replaced the handle. In
the morning, he couldn't get out of his room. Took the maintenance person
TWO HOURS to figure out what we had done; by which time the victim rather
badly wanted a trip down the corridor!

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To be done in warmer climates: break apart oreo cookies so that
white, creamy filling sticks to 1/2 of cookie (the way most kids
eat them). Discard or eat other 1/2 of cookie without filling.
Place cookies (filling side down) on victim's car -- this should
take several bags of cookies. When the warm sun hits the victim's
car, the cookies ooooooooozzzzzzzzzzzzzzeee down the car, leaving
opaque stripes. Really quite a sight! Really!

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We did something like this, the night before a friend got married.
To keep him from waking up, we covered his face with a rag soaked
in ether or chloroform (I'm not sure). We proceeded to shave off
half his mustache.

His intended was slightly disturbed when she heard the news the next
morning, so she decided to get us back. While we were in the ceremony,
she had someone sew up the pants legs to our clothes.

We got the last laugh though. As the newlyweds were getting into
the car, we pulled up in a truck, kidnapped the groom, and drove away.
We took him a few miles out of town, stripped him, and hand-cuffed
him to a road sign. Taught her.

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At one of the dorms here (Techwood) I remember when lots of practical jokes
were played on people. Of course there was the 'penny in the door frame' to
'penny' them in (keep the door from opening). But i always liked the more
original versions. Cover the door with paper, just paper. Let the mark
open the door, find the paper, and break it all down... do this as many
times
as you wish. The next time, paper the door and either place a wall of
bricks
or cement blocks behind the door (by this time, he just walks thru the
paper)
or even prop a trashcan full of water against the door...

These and other jokes became quite popular, but, alas, a new class of
students
seems to have moved in (they actually $study$) and these jokes became out-
lawed by the RA's (hall monitors)... (RA's used to help... and were
usually
helpful with their pass key)... But these jokes were called a fire
hazard (i.e.
would block people in, in a fire...) "so it goes..."

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In the afore-quoted book, such a trick is suggested as a way of getting
even with your bank. Rent a safety-deposit box and fill it with fish. I
don't know how you can prevent them tracing it to you, though...

The oft-quoted "Volkswagen-in-the-bedroom" schtick is good. A simpler
variant
avoids the hard labor involved here by subtituting a self-propelled obstacle
for the VW. In this case, one or more sheep.

While the animals themselves are easily removed from the abode, they do
leave behind "the gift that keeps on giving" !

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I remember a practical that failed -- or I guess you could say
that it succeeded too well. In Philadelphia, 10-15 years ago,
a man decided to play a practical joke on his best friend. He
took out an add in the "help wanted" section of the Bulletin,
advertising job openings for demolishing houses. Applicants
were to meet in front of the site at 6:00 AM Saturday morning.
Naturally, the site was the friend's house. The perpetrator imagined
a couple of hundred men waking up his friend and asking to
demolish his house. Alas, the friend was not home. Another
problem was that this was during a recession, with high
unemployment. About 2,000 men showed up. It was apparent
that only a small percentage would be hired, so a few
decided that if they could present the employer with
an accomplished deed, they would be the ones to get the jobs.
Everybody joined in. A few minutes later, they sat down to await
the coming of the employer.

I can't remember what happened after that, if I ever knew. I imagine
it got pretty unpleasant. It made the evening news.

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This is a very simple trick, but you'd be surprised just how effective
it is.
When the victim is sleeping, make a shallow paper tray and scotch tape it to
his door AND to the door frame near the knob. Fill it with unpopped
popcorn.
When he opens the door (from the inside, obviously) he'll have popcorn flung
all over the place. Not only does it pack quite a little surprise, it also
takes forever to find all of the popcorn afterwards.

It works! Someone tried this on me when I was in first-year of my undergrad
days.

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My favorite practical joke was performed back in high school on the director
of our Audio Visual Dept. Upon purchasing a brand new, expensive video
camera, he set it up in the AV lounge so he could watch us hoodlums
on a monitor in his office. While he wasn't looking we taped a clear
piece of plastic over the lens of the camera. Then the designated
provacateur made sure that he was watching while another went up to the
lens with a squeeze bottle of highly caustic liquid, and crusty, grime
laden rag, to "clean the lens". Fred jumped over his desk and knocked
over a couple of onlookers before realizing what was going on.

( All the standard things happened to this guy too! remove all the screws
from his chair, disconnect ( or reverse ) key components of his phone,
placed packing material in his fan. )

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When I was living in the dorms on campus, frequently someone with
a car would offer to drive into town on a rainy day, to save a
wet bike ride. There were always takers. I have a car, so
I took many friends to the store, post office, or Bank. If
someone banked at the same place as I did and I knew they were
going to make a deposit, sometimes I would get a few bucks together and
also make a deposit. BUT, as I was standing at the little table
(you know with the little chained pens) I would take a deposit
slip and write THIS IS A STICK-UP GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY IN YOUR
DRAWER on the back. Then I would casually slide it over to my friend
and hand it to him, face up. After making my deposit I would
leave the bank. The friend would step up and hand the teller
the deposit slip. They always check both sides to see if any
additional checks are listed. Sitting across the street was
a good place to see the cops pull up. Usually things took
about 20 minutes before he convinced them he was not a bank
robber. You have to pick a friend with integrity and
a quick mind though. If he panics and gives your name,
you are history. I only tried it twice.

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Practical Joke 1: After making sure that the victim is out or sound
asleep (if the victim is in make sure he can't get out),
put a line of baby powder along the bottom crack of the
door (or on a piece of paper and slide it under the door --
hold onto one end). Then use the blow-dryer to spray the
powder into a fine mist that will cover everything in the
room.

Practical Joke 2: Make a small, off-center hole in a can of shaving
cream and then heave the can into the victims open door.
As the pressure spews the cream out, it will spin the can
and create a real mess all over the place.

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A simple yet effective joke for all seasons...

Fill the sugar bowl with salt...

Mmmmm...sure makes them wheaties/coffee/etc taste good !

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Do it the Caltech way. Dump water on the victim's bed until it's
soaked, and
pour liquid nitrogen on the bed until the water freezes. You're right that
it's heavy -- so heavy that the victim must wait for it to melt before he
can get rid of it.

PS - It destroys the mattress covering, so be prepared to replace the
mattress.

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Back in the OLD days while in college, a "friend" of mine one day used the
pointed end of his umbrella to knock on our dorm room door. He poked so
hard that the point went all the way through the door (cheap door). A
couple of days later, a janitor noticed the "bullet" hole and called the
police. My room mate and I decided just to play it dumb; "Gee officer,
we didn't notice a hole there", "We never heard a shot", etc. The police
never did find the bullet nor where it hit the wall on the other side.

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For a more light-hearted collection of jokes, see the section on
Hugh Troy in Merry Gentlemen and One Lady, by J. Bryan, III.
Troy's jokes did not get people in trouble or stink up innocent people's
apartments; they did cause utter bewilderment worthy of talk.bizarre.

I think Bryan also tells of the time Robert Benchley and a fellow
Harvard undergraduate, dressed in work clothes, went to the door of
a house on a veddy nice square in Boston and said to the maid,
"We're here for the sofa."
"Which one?" she said.
This was a dangerous moment, but Benchley saw a sofa in the
corner of the living room and said, "That one."
They then walked, carrying the sofa, to another house on the
same square, rang the bell, and told a second maid, "We're here with
the sofa."
"Um, I guess you can put it there," she said; and so they did.

Benchley heard, in a roundabout way, that the lady of the
first house visited the lady of the second one some six months later
and recognized her old sofa.

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Another good one that I've heard about is to put cherry Kool-aid in
the shower head.

----------------------------------------------------------------


I had this joke played on me and it was quite effective.

A small box was filled with the punch-holes from paper tapes.
The bottom was removed and it was placed on my bookshelf at work, with
no trace of the punch-holes. Seeing the box, the first thing I did was
pick it up. Needless to say, the little things were everywhere for
several days!

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I have never tried this, but a chemist friend of mine told me of a
practical joke. Get a hold of the victims coffee cup. Make sure its
empty. Put one drop of phenolthalien ( excuse the spelling, I'm refering
to the acid/base indicator) in the cup and fill it with water. Empty the
cup and let it dry. When the victim fills it, their is still residue of
the phenolthalien in the cup. The effect!, the victim will not be able
to make it to the bathroom in time.

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A nifty, if difficult, practical joke:

This only really works with friends
(preferably the trusting type). Get the victim to
your house, then talk (or do whatever you normally
do together) for a while. Then mention an
interesting effect you read about recently and
wanted to show him/her. Fill a glass (preferably
a short, squat glass) with water, and have a
baseball bat or a similar long, cylindrical object
handy. Stand on a chair with the glass, and press
the mouth of the glass against the ceiling. Have
your friend/victim press the bat/whatever against
the bottom of the glass hard enough so that the
pressure will hold the glass to the ceiling. The
theory is that if you keep the glass against the
ceiling long enough, it will adhere to the ceiling
without the bat holding it up. Then put the chair
back, and tell your friend that it'll take about
five minutes or so for the bond to form. Take
turns holding the glass up with the bat to avert
suspicion. When the victim is "on duty" once
again, casually mention that you have a few things
to do. Put your jacket on and leave the house.
(Of course, you're going to come back, aren't you?
You just wanted to see the look on his face,
right?) If you can get this to work (which you can,
if you are convincing and the victim is gullible), it's a
marvelous joke. I pulled this on my roommate -
but there was one small problem - when I left our
room, the door was locked and I had forgotten my
keys. My other roommate showed up in about ten
minutes, but it was not a happy scene...

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Yet another answer to that silly revenge problem:
Tape down the little white things that spring up when you lift the
receiver. (another alternative would be to open up the phone
and remove two little spring things so that the white things don't
come up at all.) Of course all this should be done in the victims
absence.
Now the fun begins...
When he arrives, dial his number from a nearby phone and don't
hang up.

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Good for aracniphobics (check the spelling on that one.)
Get approximately 20 pieces of 1 metre or yard long white string.
Tie a knot at one end and temporarily secure it to the centre of a closed
door. Begin to tape the ends to the door frame being careful not to close
the door itself. It should begin to resemble a large spider's web.
Get the rest of the string and start weaving spirarally just like
Charlotte would. Complete the masterpiece by purchasing plastic
creepy crawlies and attaching them also to the string (eye level,etc.).
Unsecure the centre knot and instant spider web.
You might want to try it with fishing line and smaller creepies if you're
really mad.

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Instead, get a cannister of the foam insulation that is used in
home construction (IT EXPANDS TO SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES ITS VOLUME IN
THE CANNISTER). Make sure victim is not in his/her office, bedroom, etc...
Then fill room into solid block of foam.

Baby powder inside someone's hair dryer, causing the CASPER THE
FRIENDLY
GHOST look is also a cute one.

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A friend and I pulled a similar stunt on a co-worker some time back.
After a long series of joke-perpetrating back and forth, we procured
a rather large box and filled it with packing 'peanuts', then proceeded
to cut a large hole in the bottom and invert the box on the victim's
desk. We then took a short length of string and fed it into a tiny hole
in the top of the box, taping the other end to the side of the box.
This 'red herring' was easily mistaken for some type of trip-wire to
be engaged if the box was opened. When the victim saw the parcel, he
immediately knew the source and, wary of opening the box, followed his
initial instincts and quickly grabbed it to move it off his desk ...
the rest is fairly obvious ...

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I had a mischevious roommate in college. Fortunately, I was the object
of his machinations only once. It didn't take long to track down my
furniture
from the ten places on campus where he had distributed it over spring break.

His masterpiece, however, was a concerted effort that involved everyone
on my hallway. The victim: our "sponsor" (at Pomona College, an upper-
classperson in charge of a gaggle of fledgling freshpeople).

This one takes some preparation. Wrap very thin filament wire (high
resistance, low flash point) around the fuse of an M80 firecracker. Imbed
this assembly in a box of cornflakes, leading the wires out of the box.

Next, wire several old-fashioned camera flashbulbs in parallel, and put
them in a circuit with the firecracker wire and a 12 V lantern battery. Rig
a solenoid to close the circuit (we used an old clothespin).

Now you're ready. When the victim is out of his/her room, hang the
cornflake box in the middle of the room. Arrange the flashbulbs near the
door. Place the solenoid so that opening the door will close the circuit.
Lounge nearby and watch the fun.

When the victim opens the door, s/he thinks that the room just exploded.
Bright light, loud noise, and the burnt cornflakes feel like a bomb-blast
concussion as they hit your body.

Boy howdy, that woman could run. Caught up with her somewhere around
North Campus. Being dutiful sponsees, we helped clean up the cornflake mess
later.

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This sounds suspiciously like one of David Brenner's "Best Practical Jokes
In The World". He claimed to do this and put the slip back, three or four
slips down. The lucky recipient was a kindly-looking little old lady who
had a habit of smiling vacantly and nodding. When the bank teller read the
back of the slip, and saw this little old lady smiling and nodding, he
tripped
the silent alarm, the doors slammed shut, the guards all pulled out
their guns,
and the only two customers in the bank were the little old lady and David
Brenner in the corner laughing his ass off. Naturally he recommended that
against trying this little stunt.

The other practical joke of his that I remember involved getting a
friend with
a car to help you. Pick up about a dozen cheap brooms, and get on a local
(downtown) bus. Of course, the brooms will be impossible to manage as the
bus bounces and sways, and will annoy passangers and driver alike. But, as
you've paid your fair, the driver figures you'll be off the bus soon enough
and he'll be done with you. Get off at the last stop, hop into your
friend's
waiting car, and zip back to the stop you got on at, and get on THE SAME
BUS.
Much yucks.

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Back in my graduate days, I used to bring my lunch to school which consisted
of a sandwich and usually a hard boiled egg. I kept a small jar of salt in
my desk for the eggs. One day I dipped my egg in the salt only to discover
it was sugar. It was easy to spot the prankster(s); everyone in the
room was
snickering!

I used to bring my lunches in plastic lined paper bags with bend-over tabs
on the top. The bags were very good and kept my sandwiches fresh. I got
them for free from the pockets of airline seats. One day as I was opening
my "lunch" bag in the lab, the same bunch of pranksters from above gathered
around my table and opened their own barf bag lunches (they had just gotten
back from an out-of-state conference). However, the joke was turned around
on one of them. He was spooning yogurt out of his bag and eating it. After
I told him what it looked like, he lost his appetite.

----------------------------------------------------------------

You take the top off the standard sugar dispenser found at restaraunts
around the country. You place a single layer of paper napkin over the
opening in the glass part, then put salt on top of that. Put the top back
on and tear off all the paper showing around the edges. The first victim
gets salt in his coffee, which I suppose is funny to some people. But what
is even funnier is this same guy, or the next, trying to get sugar out of
the thing. They think the sugar may be caked and bang the dispenser on the
table, shake it, hold it up to the light and squint at it, etc. ...

Many years ago, before all the young studs started taking their dates to
motels for, er, recreation, there were always Lover's Lanes around. On a
typical moonlit night there might be a dozen cars at one of these places
with the windows all steamed up from the activities within, and occasional
flashes of red as flailing feet inadvertantly hit brake pedals. Some people
I knew used to get their jollies chaining the bumpers or axles of these cars
to the nearest fence or tree ...

The most elaborate joke along these lines was played by three friends of
mine, whom we'll call Tom, Dick and Harry.

On a moonlit night as described above, Tom came running out of the woods
onto the Lover's Lane screaming, "No! NO! Oh, God, Please NO!"

When Tom had everybody's attention, Dick stepped out of the woods with a
shotgun, yelled "Now I'll get you, you bastard!" and fired the gun over
Tom's head.

Tom dropped to the ground and lay there writhing and screaming until Dick
came over and fired a blast into the ground near his head, then went limp
and quiet.

Then Harry came rushing over, yelling "Jesus, Jack, why'd you DO it? He was
our FRIEND!! Oh, my God! ..." and the like. Then both Dick and Harry
grabbed Tom by the heels and dragged him back to the woods. When they were
out of sight Tom got up and all three enjoyed the activity back at the scene
of the "crime", which needless to say had changed considerably from a few
minutes before.

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Something I have done before is wire someones bed to give them a nice shock.

It was done as follows:

strip some stranded wire and use the wire to form a grid under the top
sheet.
it works best to have this grid look like fingers that interlace but don't
touch.

this was then connected to the 110 V side of a texas instruments calculator
transformer. to the calculator side of the transformer add a 12 or 24 Volt
DC supply (i can't remember which we used) connected through a normaly
open switch.

then press the button rapidly to cause a transient in the transformer.

It is funny as heck to watch someone wake up as they are getting the
shock. if you stop while they are still partially asleep they really
have trouble figuring out whats going on.

i'm sure you could automate the process so the person has just enough time
to fall a sleep before the next shock.

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When I was at Burroughs Corp., a couple of co-workers got into a get-even
contest with each others' toolboxes, including such niceties as:

--Filling toolbox with punched-card chad.

--Same as above, then pouring oil over everything!

--Wiring toolbox to 110 VAC. (I'm not endorsing these activities; simply
including them for sake of completeness!!)

--Supergluing handle to top of toolbox. (Thought that one up myself.)

--Removing tools; bolting toolbox to floor; replacing tools. (Good one!!)

----------------------------------------------------------------


Here is a simple, but fun, practical joke you can try.

You need a phone with a handset so that you can unscrew the
mouth piece and remove the pickup. It's real easy, they are just sitting
in there and not wired down. Replace the mouth piece and think up a good
excuse to get someone to use the phone. This joke was done to me when I
was in college. My roommate told me that this girl who I thought was cute
had called, and that she wanted me to call back. I felt pretty stupid
yelling
into the phone trying to talk to her. And all I heard was her say 'Hello,
hello, is anyone there, hello?' After I realized what had happened, we
went out and tryed it on some other friends, with similar results.
It's a good joke because it is totally harmless, and even more
fun after a few drinks.

For a quick laugh, try:

zork | valspeak

If you don't have valspeak, I would suggest getting a copy. It's a
great way to hand in weekly reports to your boss.

----------------------------------------------------------------


In the good ol' days of punched cards, every keypunch machine had a
container
into which the square "chips" fell. A favorite practical joke at a certain
famous Eastern Technological Institute, paralyzed around science, was to
dump
a bag of these collected chips on someone taking a shower and shampoo in the
dormitory. It could take weeks to get rid of all those wet chips ....

----------------------------------------------------------------


Other types of phone fun...

While we were in the other room, listening through a modem (we were in NY
State), a friend of mine, using his impeccable british accent, would
call a random number in London England..... collect; stating that he was
Sir so-and-so from the British consulate or some other such agency.
These people would almost all accept. (It was about 2:00 AM for them,
so I guess that might be part of the reason...). He then proceeded
to take an official telephone survey:

"1) Do you believe Margret Thatcher's handling of the Falklands crisis was

a) Excellent
b) fair to good
c) fair
etc...
.....

At least at the time, it was hillarious... especially his ability to sound
and act authentically enough for these people to accept the collect call in
the first place.. form the USA... and then stay on long enough to actually
do the survay!

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Here is a classic which has been fading into a lost art. It works extremely
well someplace like a military academy or such, where everything must always
be in impeccable order, but can be used for good effect in a dorm room, too:

It's the fine art of stringing up a room. The idea is to string the room
(trough makeshift pullies and levers, etc.) such that as the victim turns
his door knob and opens the door, his entire room is upset. One classic
example involved stringing the bunkbed so that it lifted itself up of
the floor
and turned upside down, books would tumble off a shelf, in turn moving a
dresser across the room, emtying a wall locker, pulling the shoes up
into the
light fixtures and otherwise creating serious havoc. What's nice is that
the destruction itself is done by the victim; all you did was run a little
string.... This, however, can lead to serious counter-pranks. Don't say
I didn't warn you!

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Now to add my \$.02...
(This works best if you have several people to work on it)
One night when one person in my dorm was away at a party, but for some
unknown reason left his door unlocked (trusting sucker!), several other
people removed all his furniture and belongings. Most of the stuff went
to a garbage/storage room, but some of the stuff (the more valuable)
went to other rooms. When he got back (at 3:?? AM), good and tired, he
was met with a nice floor lamp in the middle of the room and a telephone
in the trash basket.
Then for the next several weeks, anyone who left their door unlocked
was asking for it...

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Reminds me of when I was in first year at UVIC. At that time, punch-cards
were used for programming still (They added terminals the year after I
left).
The rectangular cardboard confetti had many uses :-) That stuff was hard to
get off of clothes, out of your hair, etc. One friend of mine decided to
collect the stuff, so every day he would go around and empty the confetti
from the punch machines. At a party he was going around tossing the stuff
at people and laughing as they tried to get it out of their clothes (it sure
itches if you get it in your clothes!). He had collected a whole paper
shopping bag full - one of the big ones. When he got around to me I reached
out and whacked the bag hard on the bottom as he was reaching in to get
another
handfull. Well he was looking down into the bag and had his mouth open.
The
confetti exploded upwards into his face and mouth. We were practically
rolling
around on the floor watching him trying to clean the stuff out of his mouth
an off his tongue. A few days later he got me back by collecting more and
dumping it on my car, into the ventilation inlets. To this day years
after he
did this, an occasional rectangular cardboard piece of confetti will
float up
out of the ventilation system every time you turn on the fan/heater.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Here are two of my favorites (which I've never yet performed: maybe I'm just
not spiteful enough.)

Prickly pear cacti have two kinds of spines: large ones and tiny reddish
hairs that are incredibly irritating. Gather the tiny ones, and distribute
them into the clothing of someone you detest, perhaps the underwear. They
will probably be noticed too late. Caveat: this should make the clothes
permanently unusable.

Collect an engorged tick from a dog, and keep it until it produces an egg
mass. Hide the egg mass at a spot where the victim sits. Several hundred
tiny "seed ticks" will patiently wait their opportunity to swarm over the
first warm-blooded creature available. They are too small to easily pick
off, and just large enough to see. (This happened [by accident] to me in
Georgia this summer. I wasn't disturbed much, but then I study ticks and
mites for fun.)

Don't make an enemy of an imaginative biologist.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Speaking of practical jokes, my wife pulled one several years ago...

For my wife's birthday several years ago, some people at the law office
where she works hired a male belly dancer to entertain her. She swore
sweet revenge. Six months later, the instigator of the belly dancer
incident had her birthday. My wife arranged for the single brother of
another secretary to meet the instigator for lunch, etc. The instigator
didn't know the brother before this, so it looked like someone had hired
an escort service for her to help celebrate her birthday. The joke,
however, backfired. The secretary and the single brother are now
married. At the wedding, held at a large and famous Chicago hotel,
a gorilla handed out bannanas to the guests, courtesy of my spouse.

----------------------------------------------------------------


This reminds me of something I saw at our residence a couple of terms ago.
Outside one of the houses was an entire bedroom suite! (bed, desk, chair,
the whole bit - even the bed was made!) I don't know exactly from which dorm
it came from or whodunnit but I imagine somebody was not too happy!

----------------------------------------------------------------


My favorites:

Dump a whole bottle of detergent into the
toilet tank. This produces great billowing
suds out of the bowl on first flush. Especially
great if first flusher is sitting at the time.

Use a clip lead to connect the brake light switch
to the horn relay on the targets car. Every time
they step on the brake the horn blows. It's
amazing how many people can't associate the horn
blowing with using the brake. They just report
that the horn blows at random times. This is
especially useful joke to watch in parking lots
when work lets out.

Carefully pick up sleeping targets bed and set it on
four coke bottles. When target rolls over or makes
any significant move bed will crash 6 inches to the
floor and there will be bottles rolling all over the
place but not a soul in sight.

Steal a banana from targets lunch. Use large sewing
needle to pierce skin at seam and move needle back
and forth to "cut" banana in half. Continue doing
this along the seam and banana will be sliced when
peeled by target.

Saran wrap on reading glasses that have been left on
desk is good. Trimming at edge of lens is hard but
effect is great. Not usually noticed when first picked
up but optical quality of saran is spectacularly bad.

I know of a variation of the fake workmen digging the street
that worked well. In the original (very risky) you
masquerade as real workmen and dig a hole in the street
and leave. When this was first done in NY in the fifties
it was days before anybody realized something was wrong and
traffic was a disaster until the street department patched
the hole. In the variation, the jokers observed real workmen
digging the street and reported to the police that college
students were again digging up the street as a joke. The
police thanked the tipster and headed for the dig. In the
meantime the jokers approached the workmen and toldthem that
the college had freshmen dressed up as cops as part of
fraternity initiation and that they would be around soon to
give the workmen a hard time. The workmen thought this was
great and agreed to give the "cops" a hard time back.
It was a long time before this mess was sorted out.
(this was my all time favorite practical joke)

Another idea that I couldn't perfect might be of interest.
I got one of the air freshener gadgets that had a battery
operated timer that causes a brief push on a self-contained
can of air freshener every 10 minutes. I guess you leave this
thing in the bathroom and get a brief pssssst of freshener
every ten minutes. Anyhow, I tried to change the can of air
freshener (which is indeed replacable) with a freon horn.
Unfortunately the freon horns sold for emergency use in boats
etc. have a different cap on top that I could not adapt
to the freshener. If you could make this work you could
plant this thing in somebodies shrubs or cellar or warehouse...
or office.

----------------------------------------------------------------


This supposedly happened a bunch of years ago, when deposit slips imprinted
with one's account number were becoming available, but banks still had
trays with generic deposit slips for their customers' convenience.

This gentleman opens an account, deposits a few thousand dollars. He then
leaves his own deposit slips in the counter slots in various branches.
A few days before next month's statements appear, he goes in, checks his
balance, withdraws one hundred eighty thousand dollars in cash, and
disappears. Seems the system credited his account with deposits that
others made (seemingly to their accounts) using his slips.

And one that doesn't involve banks, but allegedly happened...

College student returns to his room to find a bucket of water amateurishly
balanced above the door, ready to fall on him when he opens the door. So
he lifts down the bucket and empties it into his sink.

Too bad the perpetrators also removed the drain pipe from the sink.

----------------------------------------------------------------


In the last few hours before the Corps of Cadets dorms closed for
Christmas break, someone led a horse into a departed friend's room
and shot it. When the dorms reopened a month later, the smell was
so fierce that the entire wing of the building was unusable.

----------------------------------------------------------------


These were told to me by a friend who once attended Devry Inst. in
Arizona (a tech. school for electronics types). Three favorite
practical jokes were:

(1) The access to the supply room (to obtain lab materials) was via
a Dutch door (two-piece job where either top or bottom could be
opened independently), where the top half was left open so
students could lean over and request supplies. The lab grunts
wired a thin filament wire to a power supply and strung it across
the top of the bottom portion of the door. Normal instincts of
students led them to lean or place hands there while waiting for
materials, and were met with a small yet satisfying jolt.

(2) This one I've heard of from various sources. Charge up a bell-type
capacitor and tape the leads in such a way that they are almost
but not quite touching. Call to the victim with a rousing "Here,
catch!" and lob the cap to them. When they catch, the slight
squeezing pressure will connect the leads and the capacitor will
pop. (VARIATION: Leave 'loaded' cap on chair for them to sit on)

(3) The most common labs involved circuit design and troubleshooting,
and students were forever wary as they applied power to a new circuit
for the first time. My friend's prank involved running some thin
hollow plastic flex tubing from his lab station to a point below and
behind the victim's station. He would then light up a cigarette and
wait. As soon as the victim applied power to his circuit, he would
blow ciggie smoke into his end of the tube. Within a few seconds,
victim would see smoke rising from his board and cut power. He would
examine board, find no trouble, and fire it up again. Soon smoke
would appear ... this can be stretched out for a good long time, or
until he sees the tubing.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Try this one out sometime. While the victim is asleep
carefully put Vaseline between his/her toes. What you will
obeserve is the person's toes starting to wiggle. The
apparent mechanism is that when your toes start slipping against
each other, your mind insists on making them slip and slide
more and more. The upshot of this is that the part of the mind
that's supposed to be getting rest is busy moving toes. The
victim wakes up having had no sleep at all.

How 'bout this: if the victim uses Head 'n Shoulders or Selsun
Blue shampoo, and a few drops of methylene blue (available in pet stores)
to a FULL bottle. Over time (if the victim is fair-haired), you will
notice their hair turning blue, as methylene blue stains all organic
material.

Also writing things on someone's back with indellible ink is pretty
good. Use your imagination. "Laugh, but don't tell me about it." is a
pretty good one.

Get a group of people to chip in 1 or 2 bucks, and bet the victim the
collected
sum that he or she can't put a cue ball in his/her mouth. Hint: cue balls
go in, but they don't come out. In fact, medical science has developped a
tool to aid in the removal of cue balls.

Take doors. Just take them off the hinges and put them somewhere else.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Another paper punch-hole trick that is even better is to take
a plastic 35mm film canister, paper punch-holes and a can of freeze
spray (at fine electronics stores everywhere). Fill the film canister
with about 1/4" of freeze spray then add punch-holes until the film
canister is at least half full, replace the lid on the canister, set
the canister on a desk or shelf and then wait for the fun. The neat
thing is that when the canister pops it shoots paper all over the
area (sort of like a party 8-)). Before you try this with the con-
fetti, experiment with just the freeze spray and canister, different
amounts of liquid causes it to pop at different times.
I know one person who filled one of those blue solder extractor
bulbs half full of freeze spray, sealed the end and put it under his
bench at work, he thought it might make a pretty good pop and after
30 minutes had completely forgotten about it. It went off about ten
minutes later and could be heard all over the building (he later told
everyone that a power supply had blown).
Bubble pack behind the wheels of an occupied chair also causes
some fun when the unsuspecting person rolls back.

Actually I'd rather hear mind game type jokes which are
a lot more fun. ex:
Bet some one they can't eat a slice of bread in less than a
minute. Conditions are, nothing on the bread and nothing with the
bread (like water). There are people who can win the bet, but
watching them suffer is worth loosing, and I have won more money
than I have lost.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Back when I was in high school a friend of mine, Robert, hurt his back while
rolling his car and had to wear a plaster cast around his torso, from
just under his armpits to a few inches below the navel. When he wore
a jacket it was impossible to tell he had on a body cast. Now, for
maximum effect you have to picture Robert. He was a tall beanpole with
hair down to his butt (this was around 1975), a scraggly beard, John Lennon
type glasses with blue tinted lenses, and old clothes. One day we
decide to go on a picnic at a local park. So here we have 4 hippies
in a park surrounded by families, when Robert grabs a large butcher
knife, jumps up, yells 'GODDAMN IT I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE', and
plunges the knife into his chest. This was followed by some very
dramatic histronics as he fell to the ground, ending up on his back
with the knife sticking up in the air. Well, the three of us knew
the knife was really in the cast, not his chest, so we double up
laughing as these families are looking on in shock. I'll never forget
some of the looks on those people's faces.

Good ol Ray decides to do Robert one better. He grabs the picnic
basket, yells 'lets go!', and runs off to the van. Naturally we
followed, leaving Robert laying on the ground with the knife sticking
up. Boy, this really got them families into shock! Robert realizes
he's suddenly all alone and tries to get up and run after us. If you
want to see something funny sometime watch someone with 50 pounds
of plaster wrapped around their chest, who can't bend at the waist,
try to get up unassisted off their backs. Then picture this person
trying to run after a van, in which his 3 buddies are driving off.
Remember, Robert still has this knife sticking out of his chest.
Boy, them families didn't know what the hell was going on.

Anyway, we went down the road 100 yards or so, just enough to scare
the crap out of Robert, and stopped to let him get in the van. I still
wonder what some of those families thought of that episode.

----------------------------------------------------------------


I became a somewhat involved spectator in a similar incident...
The biology teacher at my high school, Mr. Evans, was an incurable wit. He
was the one teacher everybody liked. He was the one who made sure that we
dissected Ascaris worms (long white stomach worms) the same day the lunch
room served spaghetti. One day, he fished out a four-foot preserved boa
constrictor and laid it on the floor just inside the biology lab door. Then
he put a preserved frog in its mouth. Then he stood by the door waiting for
class to start, watching students' reactions as they opened the door. I had
the misfortune to arrive right behind one of the more excitable girls.
(click.) (door opens) AAAAAAAAAAAAK! She ran right over me!

Mr. Evans related tales of his college days. He said one of his
professors
was a real joker (by HIS standards!) who let his pet tarantula roam loose in
the room during class. You could track its progress by watching people pick
up their feet. He made some ammonium tri-iodide and painted it on the floor
before class. People walk in. BANG! POP! POW! When you pick up one foot, you
have to put the other one down. BAM!

I always wanted to put some inside the school bell. Ding-BOOM!

----------------------------------------------------------------


Switch the "MEN" and "WOMEN" signs on a pair of public bathrooms while
they're occupied. Great at airports, hotels, and bars.

----------------------------------------------------------------


You can do this to a business associate whom you think is a jerk:

Get a few copies of his business card. Hopefully, it has his home
phone number on it. Go to your local red-light district and
pass them out to the girls (or guys) saying "Call me some time."

This is most effective if he has a family. If he is single, he
may want to thank you.

----------------------------------------------------------------


My father loves to tell of the builder he knows who had to evict some guy
from one of his rental houses. It seems the renter left his pet in the
master bedroom. A duck with lots of food and water... The builder
didn't get around to checking out the house for about a week.
Yech. Needless to say, the not only the carpet needed replacement, but
the sub-floor also.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Apparently there is a well-known story in the television industry about the
early days, when parts were scarce and 'friendly competition' was just be-
ginning between the networks. There was going to be an important speech by
someone important, probably President Eisenhower or someone of that stature.
Naturally, all (both?) of the networks wanted to cover this speech. But on
the day of the speech, the tube in NBC's camera went dead. There was no
hope
to order a replacement in time, so the NBC brass called the CBS brass to ask
if they could borrow a tube until they could get a replacement (maybe they
borrowed a whole camera, I don't know). At any rate, the good-natured guys
at CBS said sure, they would deliver a tube to them in plenty of time
for the
speech.

Well they DID loan NBC a tube, but not before setting it up in a camera and
focusing it on the brightly lit door to the men's room. To understand what
happened, you must realize that these early "image-orthicon" tubes were ex-
tremely sensitive. So sensitive in fact, that a bright unchanging image
would
"burn-in" to the face of the tube and remain for hours, or even permanently
if the damage was severe enough. So to make a long story even longer, when
NBC brodcasted the speech, the president appeared with "MEN" emblazoned
across
his forehead. Of course they discovered it much too late to do anything
about
it (this was live TV, folks).

(This was a story I heard from someone who worked at a CBS affiliate TV
station
and may or may not be true, or the networks involved may be wrong.)

----------------------------------------------------------------


A little gentler trick that a co-worker pulled up here a few years ago
depended on the sound module from one of those dolls that cries unless
you rock it back and forth. He fastened it to the bottom of someone's
chair. The someone comes and sits down, and starts working on his
terminal. As he gets into it, this vague "wa-wa" noise starts up from
some unidentifiable direction. The victim looks around (moving the chair)
and the crying stops. Oh, well, who cares. Back to work. A little later,
the crying starts up again. This one was good for several minutes.

Oh yes, someone mentioned freon bombs. Things can get hairy with those
around a power supply design group. And the following is a good way
to make a switcher designer an enemy for life - or a few days, at least:

----------------------------------------------------------------


Now for a $harmless$ practical joke. My favorite telephone gag is to
call someone at random, and with an official tone rattle off this warning
before they can interrupt:

"This is the telephone company calling. There is some trouble with
your line. Please do not answer any calls for the next five
minutes
or the person on the other end may be electrocuted. Thank you."

Hang up, and wait about two minutes. Call them back. When they answer,
just
scream "AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" and hang up.

----------------------------------------------------------------


My freshman year we had a trick that went around my old dorm.
Someone would put shaving cream on a phone receiver and a
confederate would call. The victim would then answer the
phone and sploosh the shaving cream into his ear. Worked
90\% of the time.

One kid in particular got hit hard. Once a day for two weeks.
Even when no one suspicious was around. It became a challenge to see
how many times he could be had. One day he was in another part
of the dorm, where the craze to get your roommate with the
trick had just begun. The kid came into the room of a mutual
friend totally depressed about having been had $so$ many times. He
proceeded to demonstrate to everyone in the room what would happen:
"The phone would ring and I would pick it up like this"--
he picks up the phone and -- sploosh: gets it again! The phone
had been set up for my friend's roommate seconds before the kid had
entered.

----------------------------------------------------------------


I start to laugh when ever I think about this one...
A friend who works at a company I will all inhel for lack of a better name,
loves to tell this story about "Ralph" (names changed to protect the
guilty).

Being in the electronics industry, TAK-PAK is very common (for you S/W
types,
tak-pak is thick super glue that comes with a bottle of 'accelerator' that
makes it stick VERY fast). It was decided to wait until Ralph was far
enough away that it would be a long run to phone, but he would make it if
he was quick. The 'handle' was then tak-pak'ed to the little white buttons
on top of the phone. The call was placed. Ralph goes running down the
hall full steam ahead, leaps for the phone, and snatched it off the desk!
The hole thing. Now, he hased to try to answer the thing only he can't.
And if he sets it down it hangs up!

----------------------------------------------------------------


Practical Joke at a party.

Take a sheet of cardboard or a throw away magazine, form a cone with it.
Take the cone, a coin, and a liquid refreshment (water causes least damage)
in a bottle or a cup, of course you will be pretending its your drink.
Challenge the victim (bet a sum), that they can not drop the coin, placed
on their forehead, with their eyes closed, into the top of the cone shoved
into their pants at the waist within so many tries.
To prove that it is possible, demonstrate the procedure a few times, you'll
be supprised that it is possible. (practice before hand)
When the victim tries it, as soon as the eyes close, pour the liquid down
the cone.

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I was party once to an attempt at humorous cow placement. I attended a
boarding school that actually had a dairy farm ( George School, Pa. -
The farm is since defunct ) We thought it would be a simple matter to coax
a cow over to the main building.

Cows, however, live a life of routine, to which they adhere tenaciously.
I'll never forget the sight of that cow placidly loping back to the barn
with two or three upperclassmen dangling from it.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Another idea for a practical joke is to put goldfish in all the toilets.
I haven't tried this, but it should be interesting to see what people do.

----------------------------------------------------------------


An acquaintance of mine and his friend were once asked to leave a rather
posh country club for what they considered innocent fun-loving behavior.
To get revenge for their inconvenience and show what truly obnoxious
behavior is like, on their way out the door they went into the coat room,
and exchanged all the keyrings they could find in people's jacket pockets
for similarly shaped keyrings from other pockets.

Then they sat in their car in the parking lot and enjoyed their revenge! It
was evidently quite a show.

----------------------------------------------------------------


In view of the large number of recent postings of college practical
jokes, I'll 'fess up that some friends and I were the instigators of many a
prank while undergraduates in college. The following are some of the better
pranks:

1. I lived in a three-story dorm during my freshman year. Most
everyone
listened to the same radio station, which played the National Anthem at the
stroke of midnight every night. It occured to my roommate and I that there
should be some kind of stunt that could be arranged which could use the
playing of the National Anthem as a coordinating cue. Finally, we hit upon
the answer: at the stroke of midnight everyone in the dorm would flush their
toilet! Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending upon your point of view),
all of their toilets were of the tank variety so that a simultaneous "flush"
would guarantee a copious discharge of water into the sewer.
We really didn't know what would happen when The Time arrived; bets
ranged from "no event" to blowing the basement rec room toilets off the
floor.
The Time was a Monday evening, and I figure we had about a 90\%
participation rate. The results were not disappointing: a cleanout plug
(which upon retrospection must not have been properly secured) blew out
of the floor in a basement utility room, resulting in about 1/2 inch of
water over the basement floor.
The campus maintenance people went apeshit the next day trying
to figure out what happened; as far as I know, no one ever told them the
truth.

2. It somehow came to our attention that most of the campus street
and walkway lighting came on simultaneously each night, the actual time
being based upon the actual level of ambient light. It was obvious that
there was a central control point with a photoelectric sensor somewhere.
After a few exploratory tours of the campus, we came upon a likely
location: two photoelectric controls mounted on the roof of a service
building directly across from the campus electrical substation.
After "borrowing" an extension ladder from a telephone company
truck
(which was always left parked near a service building), one Friday night
about 10:00 PM (peak campus traffic time) we climbed on the roof of the
service building and taped flashlights to each of the two photoelectric
sensors. Instant blackness!
Actually, the most amazing part was that it took OVER ONE HOUR for
the campus maintenance people to restore the lights! I would have thought
there to be some kind of manual override for the photoelectric cells, but
perhaps the maintenance people thought there was some kind of underground
cable fault so they didn't rashly restore power.

3. My father managed a soap manufacturing company ever since I was a
little kid, so I grew up with some knowledge of soap formulation chemistry.
There was a civic building near the campus with a large outdoor fountain,
and it occurred to be that the water in this fountain needed "treatment"
when the fountain was turned on in the spring. While home for spring
break, I swiped from my father's plant two gallons of a surfactant called
Triton X-100 (a tradename of Rohm \& Haas). This surfactant really foams;
like a few drops will fill a bathtub with suds.
So one night, some friends and I carefully filled some thin plastic
bags with the surfactant, and then casually threw the bags into the fountain
(the bags broke upon impact). The next morning, the fountain was a mass of
soapsuds. The next evening, the picture of the fountain made the front
page of the local newspaper. The caption beneath the picture attributed
the soapsuds to college "spring fever". Since we weren't caught, I wonder
how they knew that???

4. The father of my dorm roommate worked as a repairman for the Otis
Elevator Company. One weekend, I stayed with my roommate at his parent's
home. While talking with his father, we learned an amazing fact: almost
all escalators are reversible for use in breakdowns or emergencies; there
is usually a key-operated reversing switch located under the handrail at
each end of the escalator. We also learned a second amazing fact: most
all Otis elevators and escalators use the same key. While my roommate's
father went out for the evening, we swiped his work keys, and were able to
get many of them duplicated.
As soon as we returned to campus on Sunday evening, we went in
search of an Otis Elevator (we didn't have to go far - our dorm had one).
Sure enough, we had The Key. Over the next few days, we found that The Key
worked on every Otis Elevator that we tried on campus.
We were now ready for en escalator (there were none on campus), and
we readily found one in a five-floor department store in the heart of the
downtown shopping district. It was an Otis, and sure 'nuff it had a
reversing
switch at each end beneath the handrail.
We came back on Wednesday night, which was the peak shopping night
of the week. There were two pairs of escalators - one at each end of the
store. After nervously waiting for the right moment when no one was on
the UP escalator, and no one was looking, my roommate inserted The Key, and
turned it. Grrr-klunk-grrr. The UP escalator came to a halt, and reversed
direction - it was now going DOWN! We quickly went to the other escalator
pair, and I got the honor of inserting the key.
We now had an increasingly crowded department store with four
escalators on the main floor, all going down! We tried to act inconspicuous
as possible (not easy with half dozen 18-19 year-olds sporadically going
into
fits of hysterical laughter!) and watch the action. People would step
on the
UP escalator without looking at direction, and then step back in shock.
Then shock would change to disbelief: an UP escalator going DOWN -
impossible!
People in the store were forming an oval as they traveled from the front
escalators to the rear and back, trying to figure out how to get to the
second floor. After about ten minutes of this, with the main floor crowd
growing larger, a very agitated person wearing a suit (must have been the
manager) came by with a big ring of keys, frantically trying each key in the
escalator until he found the right one to operate the key switch. Since
the manager was eying us suspiciously, we didn't stick around to find
out any
more about the situation.

----------------------------------------------------------------


The apocryphal friend-of-a-friend brought a can of chunky
beef stew on board an airliner. At some point he emptied the
contents into the barf bag. Later during some minor turbulence
he pantomined using the bag in the conventional way. When the
flight attendant asked if she could dispose of the bag for him,
he replied, "Not yet, there are some choice bits that I haven't
finished with yet," and proceded to pick out chunks from the bag
and eat them. According to my informant, everyone nearby immediately
tossed their cookies.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Here's another way to have Fun with Sound:

Several years ago, a friend who manages a large retail store gave
me an electronic bird call used to add "realism" to store displays. This
device was about 4 inches in diameter and 2 inches high, with a speaker
on the top. It was powered by a 9-volt battery, and had two controls:
a 5-position "voice" selector, and a time delay control to set the
interval between calls (up to 60 seconds).
For a device which used just discrete transistor circuitry, the
bird calls were amazingly realistic - especially if the time interval was
long between calls.
I have had much fun with this gadget, especially planting it in
people's houses (basement and garages are good places). The unsuspecting
victims really believe that there is a bird trapped in their house - and
go ape trying to find it.
If anyone wants one of these devices, they can be purchased from
any company which sells retail store display fixtures; I don't believe they
cost much money.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Another good practical joke taken from the "Tippy Turtle" series on Saturday
Night Live is as follows:

Take one of those musical grreting cards (the type that play a song when
opened) and carefully rip out the part that actually plays the music. This
is only about the size of a quarter. When the victim isn't watching, plant
this somwhere near him/her. Since it is so small, it is relatively easy to
hide in a pocket, purse, etc. Afterwards, watch the victim become maddened
by the recurrence of Jingle Bells, Happy Birthday, etc. in the background.

I was a victim of this one, and at first I thought I was hearing the muzak
at the restaurant I was eating at. After I was done, I returned to my car
and the music followed me. I thought I was going insane.

----------------------------------------------------------------


My sister was the butt on this one.... She had a box turtle who
lived in a terrarium in her room. I haunted pet shops and bought a
series of turtles, as identical as possible, but getting smaller and
smaller. She was quite concerned....

After a while, I got tired of the game, so I reversed the process till
she had the original (who was bigger by now) back, and took the rest
down to the woods and let them loose.

STella Calvert

Love is the law, love under will!

----------------------------------------------------------------


Gather a bunch of freshmen together at a party, telling them the punch
is spiked. Observe for about half an hour while some of them get
high on the sugar. Then bring out a couple of bottles of Everclear
and dump them in. People will sober suddenly, then dip in and rapidly get
silly. Let simmer for about an hour, preferably taking pictures.
Then announce that there is still no alcohol in the punch.
Make sure that film is safe first. Everyone goes home safe and sober.

Not very funny you say? Well, then use real alcohol instead of sugar
water and laugh hysterically while people get sick, slip on the stairs,
wreck their cars, etc. Great fun.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Way back when, like before electric lights were invented, I worked in
an engineering department where the general-use computer was an IBM 1130.
This was a standalone computer of roughly PDP-11/34 power with a disk,
console typewriter, slow line printer. Its primary I/O was a combination
card reader/punch. Some things you ought to know before proceeding futher:

1. The card reader/punch had one input hopper and two output hoppers.
Cards came from the input hopper through the read station, through the
punch station, to whichever output hopper was selected. Cards could be
read, punched, or both as the program saw fit.

2. The CPU had a "bootstrap" mode in which it read one card as the
binary image of a program and executed that program. The standard
"coldstart" card had enough program on it to read in the operating
system's startup block which then got the whole software system going.

3. The user community used the machine mostly for applications written
in FORTRAN and was largely ignorant of the details of computers and
how they work.

Still with me? Good. Naturally, any card without characters printed
on it and with lots of holes all through it looked, to the uninitiated,
like the "coldstart" card that people placed at the start of their decks.
So it was a small matter to leave a few spurious cards around the computer
room and wait for the results.

My favorite was the card that just ran the deck through the reader/punch,
placing alternate cards in the other output hopper. What a delight with
long decks! One fellow was so sure he'd done something wrong that he
took his cards, reassembled them into the right order, and ran them through
again with the same bogus coldstart card.

I never did work up the nerve to write the one that punched all the holes
in all the cards following.

----------------------------------------------------------------


All this talk about practical jokes reminds me of one I heard about in high
school. It seems that a psychology class decided to give their new found
knowledge of the "power of suggestion" a little test. Some of the students
had another class together and decided to play a little trick on their
teacher.
Whenever the teacher was on the left side of the room, they would act really
interested and when he was on the right side of the room, they would act
really
bored. Well, it seems that this behavior did its job on the teachers sub-
conscious and he was practically crawling on the left wall by the end of
class.

----------------------------------------------------------------


At my high school (many years ago) over a dozen Polymorphic 88 S-100
computers were used to teach computer lit in the math department. Now I
was the curious type and I took to reading the supplementary documentation
to the operating system and I implemented a number of nasty suprises for
the other students.

NOTE: These changes were never to the boot tape just to the currently
running copy, so the changes dissapeared when the system was rebooted.

1. Change the prompt to some strange greek character that no-one knew
existed in the machine before.

2. Change the opening logo to something humerious and strange like Muppet
Labs Operating System V.0.1

3. Change the (Go to Monitor) command to return. To leave monitor a
command must be entered which is terminated by return, which is no longer
available from the keyboard and results with the screen clearing and the
monitor all fresh and ready to accept a command! Very nasty!

[Englishmania - It's not English, but an INCREDIBLE simulation!]

----------------------------------------------------------------


One that's good for a few chuckles with a new user is, while they're away
from the terminal put a few cute aliases in their .profile, .login,
whatever, for example:

alias ls echo 'ls: command not found.'
or alias vi rm

(The second one is admittedly a bit nastier).

----------------------------------------------------------------


A simpler variation was played on me when I was but a mere first-year at
U of
Toronto. One day, I was logged in at a terminal and I left for a few
minutes
to go collect output from the printer. A friend of mine leapt into
action and
changed my prompt from \$ to 'Login incorrect. Login:'. Then he logged
me off.
He told me that the daemon had logged me off because I'd been on to long.
Needless to say, when I tried (and unbeknownst to me, succeeded) to log
on, I
was told that I hadn't logged in correctly. Well as I said, I was a first-
year and thoroughly unfamiliar with UNIX so I became very confused. My
friend
did tell me what happened, however, since we were limited to 5 hours a week.

Incidently, he's no longer my friend (oohhh hint hint hint).

----------------------------------------------------------------


Many years ago, when some neighbors moved away and their house was
vacant for a few weeks, my brother installed an extra doorbell in
the basement, and ran the wires out along the rear sidewalk,
terminating them under a flagstone tile by the alley. After the
new neighbors moved in, if he was coming home late at night (1 A.M.
or later) he'd stop by with a lantern battery and connect it up to
the wires. After about 20 seconds you'd see the upstairs bedroom
light come on. Another ten seconds later the hall light would come
on, then a few lights on the first floor. At this point he'd
disconnect the battery and go home, and not repeat it for a couple
of weeks. He continued this for a couple of years.

He had also installed a loudspeaker in the attic, running the wires
outside, but either they found that one, or the wires broke, so he
never got to use it.

----------------------------------------------------------------


This is one that a friend of a friend of mine did to his mom.

This kid was going somewhere with his mom in the car. The kid
was in the back seat, and the mom was driving. It was summer
time, so the kid had the window rolled down.

Anyway, the kid see's this jogger comming up the side of the road,
so he starts motioning to the jogger. The jogger didn't really
know what was going on, but just as the car passed the jogger, the
kid reached out of the window, and whaked the side of the car rather
loudly with his hand. The jogger, getting the idea, dove in the ditch
and acted like he was in great pain (similar to the pain he would
feel, say if he just got hit by a car).

The mother obviously notices the loud noise and see's the dieing
jogger in the ditch, slams on the breaks to see if this poor guy
is dead or not. Naturally she is worried sick.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Put a couple of cc's of methylene blue in a coke/coffee/dark colored
drink.

The next time the person has to use the restroom, surprise!!! blue
urine.

----------------------------------------------------------------


A friend of mine, "BUX", recounts a tale of mirth caused to by two bored
hackers on a PDP/11 running RSTS/E. They wrote a program which wandered
around the system looking for people in the editor. Once found they siezed
control of the terminal. On the bottom of the screen the program wrote

"I think there's a bug in your program!"

Then a cute little character'ature of a bug ran across the screen. Then
the screen was repainted and they relinquished control of the terminal.
Leaving the poor victim cleaning his glasses, checking his coke can, and
rubbing his eyes. This worked best late at night.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Ok, this forces me to tell one more of my favourites. I worked once in an
academic setting where folks tended to complain that UNIX operating system
was user-unfriendly. I had a program that generated the message (to random
users)

Hello. This is the new user-friendly interface of the UNIX operating
system
wishing you a pleasant day and happy computing. UNIX is the registered
trade mark of Bell Laboratories.
\%

----------------------------------------------------------------


Here is a practical joke I played on a substitute teacher in junior
high. Numerous variations on the theme are possibile (jury-rigged
showers in chem. labs, fire sprinklers, etc.)

The classroom (Earth Science class)had the normal lab sinks with spouts
shaped like inverted J's. Over the years (old school) some of the
J-shaped pieces of pipe had broken off. This was during the energy
crises years, and the schools shut the classroom's heat off after
school. In order to prevent the pipes from freezing, they were drained
nightly. The janitor would often forget to turn the water on until 4th
period, much to the consternation of us 1st period students when we had
to use the sinks.

I waited until a day when a substitute teacher showed a film. After
everyone else filed out of the room, I simply opened a faucet or two
that led to a broken sink. As luck would have it, the water was turned
on during 4th period in the middle of the film. To make matters
worse, the broken pipes had been used to dispose of used gum at various
times. All this old hard gum acted much like a finger on the end of a
garden hose. Naturally, the first thing the sub did when utter chaos
broke out in the middle of the film was to turn on the lights.
Unfortunately, one of the lights was right over one of the `geysers,'
and the lights stayed on for about two seconds before going off again.
It was several minutes before everyone figured out what had happened,
the faucet was turned off, and the janitor had turned the circuit
breaker to the room on again.

No matter how hard the sub tried, she could never get anyone to confess
to doing it. She even kept the class after school without success.

When a friend in 4th period told me what had happened, I almost died
laughing.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Odd that no-one mentioned the fun to be had with all the new and
wonderful phone features available now. None of the below are truly
destructive. Adjust gender as appropriate (women's lib be damned, I'm not
going to type his/her, s/he every time). Switching these on/off from time
to time can drive people nuts trying to figure out what is going on.

1) If call forwarding is available at your company, forward the
victims calls to an "appropriate" number (Highly moral people get
dial-a-sex, bosses get dial-a-joke, boring people get time/weather,
flamboyant ones get dial-a-prayer, etc). Victim may go days without
figuring it out. Spouse may get interested in what's going o at office as
well. Forwarding to a VP makes for interesting reactions as well.

2) Variation on above is to get an answering machine, record an
imitation of victim's with outragous comments (busy right now with X-rated
move sound track going in background, inviting all callers out on dates,
denouncing whatever private beliefs they have, etc). Forward calls OR
splice into phone line so only happens on occasion.

3) If someone is silly enough to put call waiting onto a line used
for modems, call it EVERY time they use it. Vicitm will complain to phone
compnay about "line noise".

4) Reprogram all their speed calling to dial-a-sex, etc numbers
(as appropriate for victim). Love to watch the face of someone who thinks
he is calling his wife and a sexy girl comes on the line demanding a credit
card so she can "talk dirty" to him...

5) If victim is out of office for an extend period (week+), answer
his phone and say "Oh, Mark doesn't work here anymore. I think that the
company caught him stealing equipment/supplies/money; using drugs; sleeping
on the job; sexually harrassing the boss; etc."

6) If the phone system depends on star or \# pound keys,
reverse them.
Most confusing. Even better, rewire 0-9 as well! Interchange only 2 keys
for continuing wrong numbers.

7) Replace answering tape messages with something "more exiting".
Effects records make good backgrounds. Barmaids and dancers will often
help you out on this one as well.

8) Call victim's answering machine. Leave what sounds to be an
important message and, 3 digits into the phone number, end the message.

9) If the company tracks every phone call, have everyone in the
office make long distance calls from the victims phone whenever victim
leaves the room. You need a spotter to keep from getting caught at this
one. 900 numbers that charge 0.50 per call are good for this.

10) One of my favorites works best in large office buildings:
Stay late one night. Go through the building and forward EVERY phone to
victim's line. Be sure to do yours also to avoid being suspected.

11) If victim keeps phone numbers online and you have write access
to database, scramble the numbers (Be sure not to mess with medical or other
emergency numbers. You can't play as many pranks on dead/maimed victims).

12) Turn off bell on victims phone. On AT\&T phones this requires
a bit of disassembly to implement but may be corrected by just adjusting
the volume (there is a stop to keep bell from going off but lifting a lever
permits the dial to rotate past the stop. Rotate back and no-one can tell
that it was done. This is a design feature of the phones).

----------------------------------------------------------------


This is a good one for school or business.
It's probably been used in movies and TV.
It was used at this site, to the embarassment
of one of our department heads.

While he was chairing a rather boring department
meeting, the Manager (referred heretofore as Mr. Pid)
Wanted to emphasize a point using the conference room
blackboard.

Several meetings had been recently held in the same
room, and the last had used the pull-down projector
screen, which was now covering much of the blackboard.

With chalk in hand, Mr. Pid gave the screen a little
tug, and released it, sending it straight up and out
of reach.

The entire department almost immediately broke into
uncontrollable laughter.

Mr. Pid was at first surprised, thinking the group to
be amused by the action of the screen.

When he turned around to start writing, we were told
he turned the most lovely shade of beet red, as
taped to the blackboard was a luscious and smiling
Playboy centerfold.

To this day, the identity of the perpetrator is unknown.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Several years ago at our site I had an argument with a
co-worker about the use of menu screens. I argued that
they are fine for a while, but that soon become tedious
and that direct verb commands were preferable. His
argument was that menus were the ultimate in user-
friendliness, and that he would always prefer them.

A few days later I heard him holler from his office.
Seems he started up the local editor, which gave him
a menu selection to
a)insert
b)modify
c)delete a character

It was talked about for some time.

----------------------------------------------------------------


One of my favorites is to go into somebody's room and turn EVERYTHING upside
down. This was done to the cook at a summer camp I worked at (she was a
lousy
cook; this was revenge for hamburger in white sauce for breakfast). We
invertedeverything in the kitchen; the stove, the refrigerator (both
previously
disconnected) and everything in the refrigerator; everything on the
shelves and which (i.e., top, bottom, middle) shelf it was on. Best of
all, there was a
table in the middle of the room with large JARS of ketchup, mustard,
etc.; the
tops of all of these were hidden and they were inverted (place waxed
paper over
mouth of jar, invert, remove paper) and the table rested on top. We also
inverted several posters on the walls.
Of course, the cook wasn't very happy about this; after she'd gotten it
cleaned
up she demanded that whever did it apologize and wash dishes for a week. If
nobody claimed responsibility, she said, she would quit.
We cheered.

----------------------------------------------------------------


On the other hand:
one day some friends of mine and I were going to 7-11. There were several
parking spaces open along the wall of the store. We were in two cars: a 14
year old chevy wagon and an 10 year old dodge dart. As the first car was
about to pull in to the lot, a brand new cadillac pulled in from another
entrance and PARALELL parked accross 3 perpendicular spaces. Needless to
say we were not amused, and quickly retaliated. Before the driver (a man
in his 60's) could open the door, my friend and I (in the wagon) drove
up and
paralell parked alongside him 6 inches from his door. The other car pulled
up so that he couldn't pull up past us. This left him hemmed in by brick
walls on two sides and cars on two sides. Of course, he could have slammed
his way out, but since his car had just cost 10 times the combined values of
our cars, he didn't try it. We left both cars parked there (with doors
locked, brakes set, etc.) while we picked up some party supplies and
left him
there fuming.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Forget about phenothaline, coat the inside of the cup with Nitrogen tri-
iodide, when it dries, don't move the cup! When the owner attempts to do
anyhting with the cup, even breathe on it, it will probably exsplode!
Don't use to much or the mug will shatter very viontley!

----------------------------------------------------------------


There was a computer operator at a certain college (I don't know
where),
who had been fired for something (I don't know what). He acquired one
of the
ten platter disk packs that the university was using on its mainframe
computer
system, and took it home. He disassembled the pack and replaced the disk
platters with phonograph records. He then sneaked back into the computer
center one night, placed his new pack on the shelves, and wrote a script
that
would prompt the operator to mount the pack. Later, when the new operator
came in to do his job, he saw the message to mount the pack, so he did so.
Being new, he didn't know how heavy the disk packs actually were so he
didn't
suspect anything, until he powered up the drive. The phono records
literally
exploded inside the drive and sent the spindle straight through the
drive door.

----------------------------------------------------------------


One time a group of friends were working on an assignment for
their artificial intelligence class. It was the first machine
problem, it was due that day, and they hadn't started it yet.
Their task was to implement an expression analyzer - nothing
fancy, just a conversational calculator.

Their teacher had said many times in class that a program exhibits
"artificial intelligence" if you cannot distinguish it's reponses
from those of a human being. They were asking me to help them do
it the other way around. They would type in the expressions and I
would use a calculator to simulate their homework problem and
type back the answers.

The first few problems were easy ones. Their teacher remarked
that their program seemed to be one of the slowest ones (I am
not notorious for my speed with a calculator). The last expression
was some really long thing involving lots of parentheses and
somewhere along the way I made a mistake and so their "program"
got the wrong answer.

You would think the gig would be up, but, being fast on his feet,
one of my friends typed in TRY AGAIN. So, I did, and this time
typed the correct number. Not to be outdone, my other friend said
"We still have a few bugs yet. We haven't taught it about long
division."

(Of course their teacher didn't buy any of this, but he was so
amused he gave them an extra week to work on the problem.)

----------------------------------------------------------------


Everyone's heard about filling the victim's room with balloons, right?
(balloons are great, especially if the victim is your SO and you come by
later, acting innocently, and suggest...well, you get the idea.)

Unfortunately, inflated balloons are bulky to carry, and it can take a
dangerously long time to inflate them in the victims room. There is a
solution. (I've actually done this, it really $does$ work, even if it
sounds ridiculous) Go out and get 2 or 3 styrofoam beer coolers. Inflate
the balloons in the privacy of your own room. Fill the beer coolers
with liquid nitrogen. (at 77 K it can liquify air) Stuff all 2 thousand
or so inflated balloons into the beer coolers. (don't worry, they will fit,
liquified air occupies $very$ little space) You may need a refill or 3 of
liquid nitrogen. Get a friend or 3 to help carry the coolers to the victims
room. Make sure there isn't any paper or other water-damagable stuff on
the floor. Strain out the majority of the LN2 and dump the inflated balloons
onto the floor. Close the door. (if there is a window or transom, it's
great fun to watch the balloons reinflate to fill the room)

----------------------------------------------------------------


During my freshman year at OSU, Some of the guys in my floor
"discovered" this (on about the second day 8-). The doors in the
"Tower" dorms have a lever shaped door handle, but the pennies still
work if the person has locked their door (for instance, to sleep). I
discovered that if you flip the flashplate for the door over, and
re-install it, then the pennies only place pressure on the door handle
latch, not the deadbolt. You should have seen the look on Chucks face
when I opened the door in the morning after he pennied it in...

As a parting gift to the dorm staff, we turned our bathroom into a
pool/sauna, but that's another story...

----------------------------------------------------------------


I had a UNIX practical joke pulled on me that was absolutely
insidious: the perpetrator simply changed my .profile to
include a stty call to change my wake-up character from a
newline to a space. The effect was that if I typed a command
in correctly everything worked, but if I 'kill'ed the line
or tried to delete characters, only the last parameter would
be deleted. He had me going for WEEKS trying to figure out
what was wrong with the system...

----------------------------------------------------------------


the dept administrator is somewhat of an msdos jock, and one day, he changed
my adviser's rainbow prompt to be something like:

fatal disk error

so everytime the return was pressed, this was displayed... now seeing that
we have been having various hardware and software problems, one after the
other with the little trash machine rainbow, my adviser was very upset...
when he realized that it was a joke, he thought that maybe i had done it...
(i don't know why, because i don't normally do this type of thing).

once we had sorted out what had happened, we set up the administrator's
account of the vax to behave in a similar, but more frustrating way...
i am a bit worried about this, though, because he rarely uses the vax...
it has been about two months, and still no screaming... (just redefine
some symbols in his login.com... important ones, like:

\$ directory :== type
\$ type :== directory
\$ show :== logout

----------------------------------------------------------------


An OSU Architecture prof (I'll call him Dr. Jones) had a habit of
telling his
students to "Go take a flying leap" when they gave dumb answers. One student
decided to take the prof to task; the class was taught in a second
floor room
so the student practiced jumping out the window (with the help of an
assistant who would catch his arms as he jumped). The two got this down to
an art, and one day provoked the "flying leap" comment from Dr. Jones. The
student said, "Okay, if you say so," turned around, and leapt out the
window. His partner (who was supposed to grab him but say, "oh God, I missed
him !") $did$ miss, and the jumper fell and broke his ankle.

No, this is not a cut on stupid practical jokes. The humor follows:

As a result of this episode, the department chairman had to file an
accident report. One line of the form requires the DC to outline
"What actions will be taken to prevent future recurrences of this
accident ?"

The Department Chief answered, "In the future, all of Dr. Jones's courses
will be taught in the basement."

----------------------------------------------------------------


Last year I had a job teaching an officeful of secretaries to use their
IBM XT. Well, for April Fools Day, I inserted a Pascal program at the
beginning of the AUTOEXEC.BAT file (runs on startup). The program
essentially said "Hello, Department of Defense Missile Network..." and
gave instructions which led to "Missiles Launched", and "congratulations,
you have just launched World War III. Say goodbye to everything you
love." I slowed down the printing to match 300 baud, so it looked quite
threatening. After the "say good-bye message", I had it tell the user
to hit RETURN, after which the program said APRIL FOOL and went on to
the normal programs.

The results were interesting. The people who were comfortable with the
computer loved it. The real computerphobe registered only that this wasn't
her database program, and (as usual) demanded key-by-key instruction,
ignoring the prefectly good instructions on the screen. No-one really
was startled, they didn't have the background.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Get a thin sheet of lead, cut out the outline of a reclining nude
(trace from a magazine if you wish), tape it onto an inside wall of
your suitcase. If you're really artsy, glue or sew on a cover sheet,
such that the deception is non-obvious when the people check it.
Other shapes, or messages (taped onto cardboard) work too. Don't
do something that suggests a hijack attempt.

----------------------------------------------------------------


A few months ago I was flying down to L.A. from San Francisco with
a friend. He had stayed up too late the night before and promptly fell
fast asleep as soon as we were airborne. The airline magazines soon
paled, so I looked around for some way to entertain myself until we
reached L.A.
I went up the steward and asked if I could borrow one of the oxygen masks
that they use in their little speech just before take-off. He looked
puzzled and said that they didn't work and were just for demonstration.
I said I didn't care, and much to my surprise, he gave it to me.
I took it back to my seat, put it on, and strung the hose to the
up just above my head. Then I reached down and shook my friend
furiously. As he groggily woke up, I yelled,
"Quick, put on your mask, we're falling fast!"

The look on his face was pretty classic!
Interestingly enough, he didn't fall back asleep on the plane.

----------------------------------------------------------------


This is a simple, harmless, and hilarious practical joke, that has
claimed me
as a victim. The setting is a pool hall, bar, or anyplace else with a pool
(billiards) table. Place any ball at one end of the table and give your
victim
the cue ball. Challenge the victim to focus on the cue ball while walking
around the pool table three times. At the end of the third time, the victim
is to place the cue ball on the table, take a cue stick and hit the cue
ball so
that it stikes the ball at the other end of the table. This is very
difficult
to do; not because of a loss of coordination from walking and staring at the
ball, but because while the victim is concentrating on the ball, you
lick your
finger and wipe chalk off the end of the cue stick. The victim will miscue
almost every time. It gets funnier, because if the victim is like me,
he/she
will be determined and try it again.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Speaking of fun practical jokes with a car, I have a couple of
interesting ones.

1) Give the victims car an oil change, to 70 wieght oil. This should
work very well in places where it gets cold because when it is cold
enough, the oil should more resemble a brick the oil, and the car should
be unable to crank. I wonder how long it would take even a good
mechanic to figure out what has been done.

2) A Classic. Stones in the hubcaps. If done correctly, the driver
will hear something rattling in the hupcaps and check to see if it is
the wheel nuts, finding nothing, they will continue , only to hear the
sound again.

3) When expressway driving becomes boring. This trick is been done with
a radar detector and a very fast (looking) car. While driving on the
expressway, look for a fast car that looks like it may not have a radar
detector. Accelerate hard to about 70 and see if the other car follows.
If it does, bring your car up as fast as you feel safe and pretend to be
racing him. This should get the other car's driver to start going very
fast. Continue this "race" until you come on a turn or hill. After
going through the turn, hit your brakes hard and bring the car to
exactly 55.00 mph. The effect is to make every one on the road start
doing 55.00 because they assume that if you are going that fast, youmust
have a radar detector, and it must have just gone off. (I hope I don't
need to mention the illigalities with this joke, and the need for a
radar detector.)

----------------------------------------------------------------


When my girlfriend and I were in our early teens (the age is important)
we used
to go to the local department store clock department. We would set all the
clocks that had alarms to go off within minutes of each other a few minutes
later. From a vantage point behind a rack of clothing we always got a
chuckle
when the alarms started going off and the poor sales clerk was trying to
find
out which ones were going off! (now, having been a sales clerk for a brief
period during my college days, I don't think that would have been
particularly
funny!)

----------------------------------------------------------------


While in grad school, I was an "assistant" in a lab which contained two
pdp-11/23's running UNIX System 3. Much of my education came from
jokes played on me by my more knowledgeable friends. I'm sure I
deserved them; I was into writing multi-player games, and I got a
kick out of writing special caveats that only I knew about; these
caveats could give other players invisible handicaps. (Don't ask me
for the games; they're very terminal dependent and I don't even
know where they are anymore.) We once wrote a multi-player version
of Walter Bright's empire from scratch. I added H-bombs (like fighters,
but when they hit a city it goes neutral, and when they hit a neutral
city it goes away, etc) Only, the program was rigged so that when
a certain friend completed an H-bomb, he got this dialogue that ended
with the H-bomb developers testing the bomb in his own city! It was
VERY funny.

[1]
The lab contained two kinds of terminals; Zenith-something-or-other for
one pdp and TVI-something-or-other for the other. The console for each
pdp was some other type (e.g., vt100 or somesuch). I normally logged
in on a Zenith in a particular spot. One day my first attempt to login
failed and my second succeeded. I thought nothing of it, and continued.
Later, I happened to be on the console when I did a ps and noticed a
program running in the background belonging to one of my friends, B.
Although it was not uncommon for real work to be done this way (and the
program had an innocent sounding name), I poked around in B's directory
to see if I could figure out what it was doing (I was root; what a feeling
of power!). An ls revealed a very strange directory name; under that
directory lived some interesting looking programs and files.

It turned out that B had written one of those password-catching programs,
and had run it on my favorite terminal, apparently hoping that I'd login
as root there. The directory name was an escape sequence that caused
an "up-cursor, carriage-return", so an ls on a Zenith would overwrite
the funny directory name with the next file/directory. I had done the
ls on the console (different escape sequences) by pure luck.

I figured out the file in which B was writing the login name and password,
and replaced my login and password (yes, his program worked!) with:
"B is a bad boy". Eventually he came in. I casually asked him about
the background process, and he had a simple explanation ready. I then
left him to the "Zenith" room, and went to the adjoining "console" room
and waited. His reaction was quite rewarding.

[2]
B waited almost a year to try again, and this time he was nasty. I was
working on a huge program, a dbms, for my Master's thesis. I was having
some trouble debugging, and looking at the prospect of spending yet
another semester finishing it. During a particularly frustrating session,
another friend stopped in to mention that B had done something to my
..profile; I thanked him and checked it out.

It was a very subtle change; I don't remember how I happened to notice it.
My PATH was set with /usr/bin in front of /bin (default on our system was
/bin in front of /usr/bin). I looked at /usr/bin, and found an executable
cc, owned by B. Further exploration revealed that B had written new
read() and write() primitives; his cc arranged that the resulting a.out
would get the bogus primitives. These primitives read or wrote garbage
about 1/6 of the time. Can you imagine debugging a dbms with this handicap?

So, how to get back at him? I figured the first step was to pretend I
hadn't discovered his little trick, so I modified my makefile to run
/bin/cc directly. After a day or so, B stopped in to ask how I was doing,
and I told him everything was going well. He happened to notice my /bin/cc
lines, and asked why I did that. I told him I had some simple shell
scripts named "cc" scattered about, and didn't want to accidentally pick
one up (this was before aliases). He swallowed it.

The next day, /usr/bin had an executable make to go with the cc. B's make
made a backup copy of the makefile, changed all the /bin/cc's to
/usr/bin/cc's,
and ran the real make; when the make finished, it moved the original
makefile
back. I was amazed at the trouble he had gone to -- and got a good lesson
in shell programming as well!

----------------------------------------------------------------


Joke 1

It all started with a girlfriend's birthday party. Her
boyfriend, who I had known since elementary school, wanted
to give her a suprize party. So he asked me what should we do.
I came up with a plan to kidnap her during dinner. But this
wasn't any kidnapping. What we did was to get three people that
she didn't know to arrive while we where having dinner. Of course
all of these people were speaking a foreign language that she
didn't understand. She was bound, gagged and blindfolded. Then
while everyone drove to the resturant, she was driven around in
a car with three people speaking a foreign language. BTW-she
new something was up and wasn't scared, because she knew something
was up.
Anyway, they bring her into this very nice resturant. We're all
waiting at the table, about 15 of us, and we proceed to start
dinner. Her food was in front of her, but she was still bound
gagged, and blindfolded. After a few moments we untied her, she was
really embarrassed, because everyone in the place was staring at
our table, which was in the middle of the room.
She vowed revenge.

Joke 2
She wanted revenge. So I came up with the idea of getting a baby picture
of my friend, her boyfriend, from his mother, and printing up posters
of it and putting it up all over campus. Out side of his classes, labs,
and work. His mother gave me the most adorable picture of him when he
was a baby with his teddy bear. His features hadn't changed that much
and the way the picture was set up he looked as though he was in a
police line up. So we made it into a "Most Wanted" poster, with a
concise discription, and his name across the top in 40 point type. I
printed up about 150 posters which we put up all over campus. The next
day every where he looked and turned there was a poster, even in some
of the men's rooms around campus. It took him weeks to find all of
the posters.

Joke 3

If you are wondering what all of this is building up to. Here is the
ultimate joke that was pulled. After several more $practical$ jokes
which I was the ring leader on. My friends realized that at the hub
of each of the jokes I was the organizer and brains behind the
opperation. So it was my turn.

I really liked this one upper division Economics class that I was taking
that quarter. I was the VP of one of the Econ clubs on campus and everyone
knew who I was including the professor. Well, one Friday afternoon while
this class was meeting. One of those warm afternoons where everyone in
the class is dozing, including the professor. All of a sudden three
people enter the class in surgical grab, masks, protective gloves, boots,
green suits, the works and a wheelchair.(I learned later that they had
$borrowed$ all of these items from the medical school.) Anyway, the looked
like the real thing. They went up to the professor and told him that they
were looking for me because I had contracted a infectious disease, and
needed to be removed from class immediately. They handed him a very official
looking document and started for me with the wheel chair. You could have
seen the people around me move, them my $friends$ wheeled me across the
length of the campus screaming "out of the way infectious person."

When I went back to class the next week, the professor looked at me oddly
and asked if I was OK to be out. He really believed the whole thing.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Needed - Small wad of brillo pad.

When friend is out sneek into his room. Take his lightbulb out (power
off!). Stick brillo into socket. Leave. When friend switches on light
the brillo acts like a fuse and blows up(small flash and quite loud noise).
Be careful with this one, it has been known to knacker the odd light switch.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Needed - Cayenne Pepper.
Electric Cooker.

This is a very good one. Sprinkle a good dose of the pepper on the
ring element. Turn the ring on and leave the room, shuting the door behind
you with your friends in the kitchen not looking at the cooker (this is easy
if you have a joint kitchen living room, wait till they are watching TV).
This will result in the pepper burning into the air and your frends eyes
streaming and throats burning.

----------------------------------------------------------------


In our student hall we had those cheapo carpet tiles. When a friend
went away for a long weekend, his `drinking pals' broke in, flooded
his carpet and spread about a sack full of cress seeds. One hour
before he returned they `borrowed' a sheep (fromm agric. or vet. -- I
can't remember) and put it in his room to grazed. The they then set
up0 a camera to take a picture of the surrounding scene 3 seconds
after the door was opened. You've never seen such a funny expression.

----------------------------------------------------------------


[This is childish, but harmless] Leave a fake phone message pink slip to
call
a number. Give them the zoo's number, and ask for "Elli Fant" or "G. Raffe"
etc... make sure it is a department in the zoo who won't answer "DC National
Zoo" or something. BTW, the zoo gets tons of these calls every April 1st.

----------------------------------------------------------------


My cousin told me about a practical joke some of his friends played
where they had a white horse on the hill within view of their halls of
residence (this is one of those large white horses done in chalk on
hillsides - there are several in England) - they "painted" it with black
stripes one night so the next day it was a Zebra.
( I think they actually used black plastic bags)

----------------------------------------------------------------


Years ago when I still lived (and went on my bike to work) in Bucharest,
Romania, I was often sprayed with mud by car and bus drivers who felt a
sadic pleasure by doing this. I used to note the license plates of the
culprits and in four instances I spotted those cars parked on streets
not too far from my home. I provided to their owners several mornings
of hard work to remove newspapers stuck on their windshields with a very
good glue. In one instance I filled the exhaust pipe with wet cement...
In all cases I left a note with "thanks for the shower".

----------------------------------------------------------------


The best practical joke that we pulled was pulled on my friend's floor's
busybody. I showed up at his dorm, went into his room, and proceeded to
yell at him (my friend). He yessled back, and we got into a heated
arguement. Eventually, I fired a few blanks, which this busybody was
sure to hear.
I then ran from the room, and when the busybody went to look, he saw my
friend lying in a pool of blood (we used fake stuff). When he went to
call security, my friend quickly changed his clothes and put a rug over
the "blood" on the floor.
When the cops and the campus rent-a-cops arrived, my friend was sitting
quietly, studying.
It was suggested to the busybody that he take a nice long break from
college to let his nerves recover.

----------------------------------------------------------------


We were very proud of the following practical joke. When we
were juniors at Williams, I lived in Agard House with three friends
of mine. Several large and loud boors who lived there as well were
always taking over the TV when we were watching it (to the point
of them physically throwing one of us out of the TV room when he
was in there watching something they didn't want to watch ... that
is, something that wasn't a sporting event). They would sometimes
call important house meetings without telling us, and so on.
Suffice it to say, we didn't get along with them.
Anyway, we got them back in the following way. The
remote control in the TV room was usually ignored, because it was
always getting lost. So a couple of weeks before the Super Bowl,
we purloined it. We bought some supplies and set it up so that
an infrared (?) emitting diode was behind a curtain in the back of
the room, connected via wiring outside the house (which we strung)
to the lounge next door, where we sat with the remote control. We
listened to the game on a radio, and every time something dramatic
would happen...
"He's at the twenty! The fifteen! The ten! The ..."
ZAP! Masterpiece Theater!
They would all immediately charge down to the cable hookup
in the basement, but no-one was there. They'd look in the lounge
and there we were, studying quietly. Ah, it was great. (The
remote control was discreetly hidden by a window-drape.)
When they told us about this mysterious phenomenon, we said,
"You know, the same thing was happening to us the other day.
Hmm, I wonder what could be wrong."
They were sure we had done it, but couldn't prove it.
They kept trying to goad us into revealing it, for example:
"No, they couldn't've done it; they're not smart enough". We kept
our mouths shut and just grinned.

----------------------------------------------------------------


My undergraduate advisor told me that when he was an undergrad at MIT,
he and his floormates performed this trick on a particularly obnoxious
guy who lived there. The guy would regularly go down to the power
box and kill everyone's power, just for jollies. Well, they papered
his room one day, and when he opened the door, he calmly lit a match,
threw it in, and left. The building did not burn down but the student
was ejected. He had been failing out anyway.

----------------------------------------------------------------


This reminds me of another newspaper prank, which I heard of from an
old friend who attended the U. of Rochester in NY. A guy who lived
on their floor had the Wall Street Journal delivered to his door
every day, and the others on the floor decided to poke fun at this
upscale practice by sealing off his door (from the outside) with
sheets of the Journal. Every morning, the guy would open his door,
see the doorway blocked by the sheets, and leap through. This
became a morning ritual. One day, somebody got the bright idea to
put a Coke machine on the other side of the papers, and the guy
got a concussion when he tried to go through.

----------------------------------------------------------------


Something similar happened to me. The phone rings at 3:30am the night before
my calculus exam, the following conversation takes place:
Hello

Let me speak to Cindy

Who?

I said put Cindy on the phone

Sorry but you have the wrong number

Look asshole, put Cindy on the phone NOW

There is no Cindy here, what number are you trying to reach?

You fucking bustard, I know where you live, now let me talk to her.

Ok, Ok (long pause) can she call you back, she's in the shower with my
roomate.
CLICK.

----------------------------------------------------------------


This can be taken to the extreme. Once at Carleton U. an entire floor
received a "leaner" as we call it. There are three elevators, and late at
night another held all three elevators, placed trash cans filled with water
and leaning outward in each. Then they pressed 4 and slipped out. The
result:
a big mess on the 4th floor. Unfortunately the water also went pouring down
the elevators and caused some damage. Housing was not amused.

----------------------------------------------------------------


1) Take your Video camera (take someone elses if you don't have one)
2) Enter your toilet room
3) From the other side of the room to the toilet, stand on a chair and video
a shot from near the ceiling of your toilet seat (about 5 mins
should do)
4) Have a party !!
5) When someone leaves the room to visit the lav. put the cassette in your
vid player.
6) Just before the person re-enters the room start playing the tape - with
everyone in the room laughing at the TV screen.
7) WATCH THE FACE OF THE PERSON RE-ENTERING THE ROOM !! :-)

----------------------------------------------------------------

A practical joke I was witness to at Lancaster involved moving the entire
contents of some-one room. The peron concerned was taken out for the
night by
his 'mates', who duly got him very drunk. A few of his other mates moved the
entire contents of his room from the top floor of the residential block to
an identical room on the ground floor. At the end of the night, all the
merry
souls came back from the bar, carrying their, now ,very drunk friend. An
arguement broke out, and the friends grabbed hold of the drunkard,
opened the
window and threw him out of the window. Imagine his alarm, he thought he was
three floors up!

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

I've made a start.

Canonical Food



Banana Nut Loaf Recipe

2 laughing eyes 2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 large banana
2 whole nuts

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs, and slowly squeeze and
massage
milk containers until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently
with middle
finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover
with nuts
and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft.
Be sure
to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.

Warning: If bread rises, leave town!

-= food humor =-= 2
=--------------------------------------------------------

Chicken Delight Recipe

1 Tender young chicken
2 legs
2 breasts
1 banana
2 nuts
1 cherry

Take tender young chick into your arms. Fill hands with breasts and knead
gently. Take legs and spread apart. Drop in banana and stir until hot.
Increase motion until cherry pops, banana creams, and nuts crack. Let cool.

-= food humor =-= 3
=--------------------------------------------------------

Here's my favorite recipe for fruit cake.

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large
eggs, two
cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of
brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the
highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer,
beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of
sugar and
beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
mixer.
Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on
the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose
with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of
salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and
strain
your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can
find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
beat off
the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again
and go to
bed.

-= food humor =-= 4
=--------------------------------------------------------

Best Ever Rum Cake

1 teaspoon sugar 2 bottles rum
1 cup dried mixed fruit 2 cups brown sugar
1 teaspoon soda 1 cup butter
2 large eggs 1/2 cup baking powder
1 ounce lemon juice 1/2 pound mixed nuts

Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It should be
smooth and not
at all harsh to the palate. Then proceed.
Select large mixing bowl. Check rum again. It must be just right.
To be
sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and
drink it
as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1
seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still okay right. Try another cup.
Open second
bottle ifffxx, if necessary.
Add 2 arg leggs, 2 cubs fried druit and beat tll high. If druit
gets stuck
in beeters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next sift 3 cups pepper of salt, really doesn't matter. Sample rum.
Sift
1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a
bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.
Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven
and ake.
Check rum once more and zen bo to ged.

-= food humor =-= 5
=--------------------------------------------------------

How To Make Spam

Hi kids! I'm Copious Barfon, the leading chef for iffy recipes in the
US, and
today I'm going to show you how to make a *jumbo size pack of Spam (tm), one
that's so BIG you will have enough for you and ALL your friends! But
watch out,
I can't guarantee they'll still be friends after they've tried it.
(Note: I had
to change the ingredients slightly to keep animal rights groups from
suing me.)

Ingredients:
One cow (a terminally depressed, suicidal cow that has no desire whatever to
live anymore and is quite happy to sacrifice its life to be an ingredient in
suspect cuisine)

One pig (with a similar outlook on life to the cow)

A ten kilo slice of whale blubber
A large pot of moisturiser
A can of petrol

Utensils:
A cement mixer
A clothes peg
Two hand guns

Directions:
Put the peg on your nose and mix the petrol up with the whale
blubber. Feed
the pig half of this mixture, the cow the other half. Pigs will eat
anything,
but the cow may need some persuasion even if it's suicidal.
If all else fails, hold its nose until it moos in protest and shove
it all in
quickly. Give the cow a pat on the back, but don't let it give you one.
Allow the animals a few hours to digest it, then take their last
wills and
testaments before providing each one with a hand gun.
After they shoot themselves, and you have stood for a minutes respectful
silence, carve the animals up into three piles. Pile A for the bones,
brains
and balls, Pile B for the fat, Pile C for the best cuts.
Throw Pile C away, you won't need it. Keep Pile B for when you next
visit
Burger King; they need all the fat they can get for their Bacon Double
Cheesburgers. Place Pile A in the cement mixer, and turn it on. After
an hour,
it should start to resemble Spam. Taste it, and you'll tell by that
feeling of
faint nausea, that this is indeed Spam. But it is not yet spreadable!
So Add
the moisturiser until it is.
And there you have it!

-= food humor =-= 6
=--------------------------------------------------------

This recipe actually came from a recipe book:

Elephant Stew

Ingredients:

1 Elephant Salt and Pepper to taste
2 Rabbits (optional) 40 gal. Brown Gravy

Directions:

Cut elephant into bite-size pieces. Cover with brown gravy. Cook over
low heat
about 4 weeks. This will serve 4,200 people. If more people are
expected, the
2 rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as most people do
not like
to find hare in their stew.

ACHE (Atlanta Center for Humorous Expression)

-= food humor =-= 7
=--------------------------------------------------------

This Is What Happens When A Fly Lands On Your Food

Flies can't eat solid food, so to soften it up, they vomit on it. Then they
stamp the vomit in until it's a liquid, usually stamping in a few grams
for good
measure. Then when its good and runny, they suck it all back again,
probably
dropping some excrement at the same time. And then...when they've finished
eating, ...it's your turn.

(Prize winning poster, Health Education Council)

-= food humor =-= 8
=--------------------------------------------------------

The other day, I dropped a piece of bread and it fell butter side up. I was
convinced that I'd buttered the wrong side of the bread.

-= food humor =-= 9
=--------------------------------------------------------

The Gastronomical Bean Story

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for
baked
beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they
always had
a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day,
he met a
girl and fell in love. When it was apparent to him that they would
marry, he
thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl that she would
never go
for this kind of carrying on."
Thus, he realized she might be embarrassed and humiliated by his
addiction to
baked beans. So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved
baked
beans.
They were married shortly thereafter.
Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work.
Since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late
because he had to walk home. On the way, he passed a small cafe and
decided to
call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he
entered the
cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several
miles to
go, and decided that he could walk off any side effects before reaching
home.
But before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked
beans. Even
as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. All the way home he
putt-
putted and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his
last. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling
inside and
was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front
door to
release one last noxious output, his wife threw open the door. She seemed
somewhat excited to see him and exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful
surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and then led him
to his
chair at the head of the table.
He seated himself, and just as she was ready to remove the
blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she
returned,
then went to answer the phone. When she had gone for the phone, he
seized the
opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg, and loudly broke wind. It
was not
only sonorous, but also ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from
his lap
and vigorously fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming
on him,
so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true
prize winner; it sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started
gagging.
While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like
this for
ten minutes letting out powerful bursts that rattled the windows and
shook the
dishes on the table until he knew the phone farewells from his wife
indicated
the end of his freedom.
He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and
smiling contentedly to himself, he was the very picture of innocence
when his
wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had
peeked and
he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the
blindfold, and there was his surprise. Twelve dinner guests seated
around the
table for a Happy Birthday party for him.

-= food humor =-= 10
=--------------------------------------------------------

An interesting recipe in "Cook Book: Favorite Recipes From Our Best Cooks",
which is a collection of recipes from the community of Edina, Minnesota.
This
recipe was submitted by a youth minister.

Bachelor Salad

1 head lettuce 1 bottle salad dressing
(any kind, not Roquefort)

Wash head of lettuce over sink, pour dressing intact on head of lettuce, eat
over sink; no cleaning, no dishes, no silverware!

-= food humor =-= 11
=--------------------------------------------------------

Are you a fan of the Original Salad Shooter, but find yourself in need
of MORE
POWER?

Do you feel a need to launch tomatoes at neighbors, but can't throw?

NEVER FEAR! The New Salad Shooter 1000x is made just for YOU!

In fact, if you can't get at least a 100 foot range, we guarantee a 100%
refund!

The SS 1000x is perfect for going beyond the call of duty! Instead of
chopping
vegetable for a salad, it purees it! And shoots it a minimum of 20
yards, on
the lowest power setting no less!

Did your mother tell you not to play with your food? Studies by
psychologists
have shown the severe mental trauma this entails. So the SS 1000x is
made just
for you!

Neighbor won't return the mower? Lock and load a few tomatoes, and
repaint his
house.

Cop writing a ticket? We recommend cantelope!

The possibilities are endless!

Send $19.95 to:

Jason Ferguson Industries
Hubbell Hall rm 321
Commerce, TX 75428-2805

Warning: We do not guarantee delivery. If you want the product, send us
money!
Then we decide!

-= food humor =-= 12
=--------------------------------------------------------

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
He's a real fun guy [fungi].

-= food humor =-= 13
=--------------------------------------------------------

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little
baby
tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby
tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

-= food humor =-= 14
=--------------------------------------------------------

From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U. S. (acres): 75

-= food humor =-= 15
=--------------------------------------------------------

From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991:

Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a
potential enemy
cannot guess what you're about to do.

Pizza Intelligence: An Update

Earlier this year, we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can
predict when
the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based
upon the
increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House. Pizza
orders
increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to Grenada,
Panama, and
the Middle East.
According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the
early hours
of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter"
registered 102
deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by one; the
White House
ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by seven.
The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two
orders,
and they were quickly cancelled.

-= food humor =-= 16
=--------------------------------------------------------

Domino's Pizza has also previously reported that pizza sales surge
whenever the
televison series "Melrose Place" is showing.

-= food humor =-= 17
=--------------------------------------------------------

I walked into a pizza place down the street from where I use to live in
Hayward. I was with a friend and we could not decide what kind of pizza we
wanted. We decided to get a half of one kind and half another.
"Give us a large vegetarian pizza, but put pepperoni on half."
The guy behind the counter VERY straight-faced and quite seriously
asked,
"Which half would you like the pepperoni on?"
Without missing a beat, I said, "The right half!"
He wrote "Pepperoni on the right half" on the tag and handed it to
the guy
who makes the pizzas. That guy smiled a bit and proceeded to make us
our pizza.
About 20 minutes later, they called my name. When I went to pick up the
pizza, I noticed that it was sitting so that the pepperoni was to my
right, but
the counter person's left. I could not resist. I said, "Hey, I wanted the
pepperoni on the right side not the left side!"
This taught me not to be such a smart ass in the future. The clerk,
looking
worried, grabbed the pizza, and tossed it into the trash saying, "Damn, I'm
sorry, they must have made a mistake. We will make you another one
right now!"
20 minutes later, I kept quiet and ate the pizza! My friend and I
did laugh
about it for quite some time. Especially when the clerk gave us each a free
beer and said he was sorry for the mistake and sorry we had to wait!

[sigh]

-= food humor =-= 18
=--------------------------------------------------------

Pizza originated in China, not Italy.

-= food humor =-= 19
=--------------------------------------------------------

From Harpers Index:

Sales of California Raisin(tm) merchandise in North America: $450 million
Sales of actual California raisins during the same period: $400 million

-= food humor =-= 20
=--------------------------------------------------------

Sign in a restaurant:
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

-= food humor =-= 21
=--------------------------------------------------------

First, take your hedgehog and tell it to stop breathing. When it has
expired,
take it back and get new one. Better still, get two this time. Take
the first
one and cut its head off. Then cut off the forelegs and the hind legs.
Then
chop it up slowly and throw it in the fire because you don't need this
one; it
was just a warning to the other that he'd better cooperate. Test the other
hedgehog to see if he's fresh. To do this, hold it and twist it firmly.
If the
hedgehog makes a lot of noise, it's fresh. Then stand it on its nose
and throw
bananas at it. Take the hedgehog and put it on one side and then on the
other
side. Procure the rest of the ingredients. Borrow three eggs and steal
a jar
of cream, two thirds of a pound of butter and a tin of beef. Now, beat
the eggs,
whip the cream, strangle the butter. Now, bully the beef. Pump the
mixture into
the hedgehog, bake in a warm oven for 10 minutes. Then get out of the
oven, put
the hedgehog in. Baste, grind, grate, squeeze it, knead it firmly,
tread on it,
kick it, pull its teeth out, smash its face in, tear its...

-= food humor =-= 22
=--------------------------------------------------------

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

-= food humor =-= 23
=--------------------------------------------------------

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She
blew
her stack.

-= food humor =-= 24
=--------------------------------------------------------

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep
favoring
curry.

-= food humor =-= 25
=--------------------------------------------------------

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the
volley
of the Dills.

-= food humor =-= 26
=--------------------------------------------------------

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

-= food humor =-= 27
=--------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that Jack In The Box is coming out with a new drink?
It's called E. cola

-= food humor =-= 28
=--------------------------------------------------------

Found posted on a door in the Georgetown physiology department.

Did you know?
Every time a loaf of bread is baked, approximately 150,000,000 yeasts
are killed

Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."

+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+

Sponsored By
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the Elevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters

Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.

-= food humor =-= 29
=--------------------------------------------------------

Caption once seen printed on the front of an apron:

I know about Stressed...
It's Desserts spelled backwards!!!

-= food humor =-= 30
=--------------------------------------------------------

Eat a prune and start a movement.

-= food humor =-= 31
=--------------------------------------------------------

A Jew and an Italian were arguing over which one could make a dime go
further. So they decided to get together later in the week and compare.
So when the did, the Jew goes first. He says: "I took my dime and
bought a
cigarette. The first day, I smoked half and saved the ashes. The
second day, I
smoked the other half and saved the ashes. The third day, I ate the
butt and
fertilized my plant with the ashes I saved.
The Italian replies: "That's nothing! I took my dime and bought a
sausage.
The first day, I scooped out half and ate it. The second day, I scooped
out the
other half and ate it. The third day, I took a shit in the empty
casing, took
it back to the store and said 'This sausage smells like shit' and got my
dime
back!"

-= food humor =-= 32
=--------------------------------------------------------

There was an old guy who lived a few houses away who managed to keep
a super
clean lawn, despite the fact that everybody in the neighborhood had dogs
on the
loose. I couldn't figure out how he managed this until early one
morning I saw
him out on the lawn with a little bottle, putting a few drops of its
contents on
the dog shit put there the night before.
So I walk up to him and ask him how the bottled stuff, whatever it
was, made
the shit disappear.
He responded, "Bacon grease."

-= food humor =-= 33
=--------------------------------------------------------

The Non-Stress Diet
From the Tubac Market Matters (Tubac, Arizona)

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up
during the day.

Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no
calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you
don't eat
more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example:
Milk
Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the
cookie causes
calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong
enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off
knives and
spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice
cream on
a spoon.

Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are
spinach
and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate
is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other.

-= food humor =-= 34
=--------------------------------------------------------

Yang's Roadkill Cafe

"You Kill It, We Grill It"

** Center Line Bovine **
Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood ............ $ 5.99
( with cheese, add .50 )

** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road **
What A Dumb Cluck ................................... $ 3.49
( includes soup and salad )

** Flat Cat **
served as a single or in a stack
Single Flat Cat ..................... $ 1.99
Double Flat Cat ..................... $ 2.79
Flat Cat Stack ...................... $ 4.99
Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens).. $ 9.00

A Taste Of The Wild Side - Still In The Hide

** Chunk Of Skunk **
Smells REAL good! ................................... $ 7.49
( Basted in Tomato Sauce )

** Smidgen Of Pigeon **
Tastes so good, you'll coo for more ................. $ 3.49
( includes salad & French bread )

** Road Toad Ala Mode **
Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more ........ $ 2.99
(ice cream flavors chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry)

** Shake N' Bake Snake **
Long and crunchy, with 12 secret spices ............. $ 3.99
( extra long snake, add $ 1.29 )

** Swirl Of Squirrel **
You'll go nuts for our squirrel ..................... $ 2.49
( includes salad & peanut brittle desert )

** Whippoorwill On A Grill **
This one will tickle your fancy ..................... $ 2.79
( includes sunflower & sesame seed roll with salad )

** Rigor Mortis Tortoise **
Slowly aged to perfection ........................... $ 7.99
( includes turtle soup & dumplings )

Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!

** Canine Cuisine **
You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog.

Slab of Lab ......................... $ 1.99
Pit Bull Pot Pie .................... $ .99
Cocker Cutlets (best of show) ....... $ 4.99
Sharpei Fillet ...................... $ 2.99
Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) . $ 3.79
Snippet of Whippet .................. $ 2.69
Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville) $ 3.89
BBQ Beagle .......................... $ 2.79
German Shepard Pie (with sauerkraut). $ 3.99
Fire Broiled Dalmatian .............. $ 1.01
Trampled Sheep Dog (too Baaaad) ..... $ 3.29

** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper **
Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot ........ $ 9.49
( side order of Bambi Venison $2.49 extra )

Late Night Delights! Served Fresh Each Night After Dark

** Rack Of Raccoon **
White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat ........ $ 5.99
( includes salad, & free Daniel Boone soft drink mug )

** Awesome Possum **
Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat! .......... $ 7.99
( includes Possum Tail soup & Possum Pie desert! )

** Smear Of Deer **
You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it! ........... $ 8.99
( includes soup, baked potato with venison gravy)

** Texas Speed Bump **
Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear! .......... $ 5.69
( includes Texas Armadillo meatball soup n' salad )

Roadkill Cafe Menu Challengers

** Guess That Mess! **
A daily special treat - if you can guess it,
you eat it for free! ............................... $ 9.99

** Bag N' Gag **
our daily take-out lunch special
Anything Dead, In Bread ............................. $ 2.49

-= food humor =-= 35
=--------------------------------------------------------

Clearly it is not the lovelorn sufferer who seeks solace in chocolate, but
rather the chocolate-deprived individual, who, desperate, seeks in mere
love a
pale approximation of bittersweet euphoria.

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
memory
aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U
is the
proper time for chocolate.

Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean
evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate
because it
has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when
combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and
consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as
persuasively be
made in favor of dirt.

- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion" (a must-read for all
chocolate lovers!)

-= food humor =-= 36
=--------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes to visit his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out
she's napping
so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few
magazines, and
munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's
absentmindedly
finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your
peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the
chocolate
off, I don't care for them anyway."

-= food humor =-= 37
=--------------------------------------------------------

Listen, then: let any man who shall have drunk too deeply of the cup of
pleasure, or given to work too many of the hours which should belong to
sleep;
who shall find the accustomed polish of his wit turned to dullness, or be
tortured by a fixed idea which robs him of all liberty of thought; let
all such,
we say, administer to themselves a good pint of ambered chocolate . . .
and they
will see marvels. - Brillat-Savarin

-= food humor =-= 38
=--------------------------------------------------------

Kids on Chocolate

This originally appeared in Vol.1, #4 issue of Chocolatier magazine
(fall 1984).
By Missouri schoolteacher Matt Harper...

During the 29 years I've been a school teacher, I've found that they
can come
up with some unique ideas. Each year we study a unit on chocolate and my
students' comments on essays and exam questions have been hilarious...
"Chocolate gets blamed for many things people can't stop eating."
"Correct my being wrung [sic] but tell me true or false. Has anyone
else
ever eaten chocolate in a cantalope [sic] or am I the original inventor?"
Evidently impressed with the ever-changing state of the world, one boy
reported: "Hershey Pencilvania [sic] is located in the United States at the
present time." He happens to be the same student who remarked: "The
history of
chocolate was first the Aztecs, then Columbus, then on to now."
History may repeat itself, but grade school children often add some
unexpected twists to it. Here are some unusual historical facts:
"Columbus took some chocolate beans to Europe in 1502. Then he did
something
he'd never done before. He died."
"James Baker started making drinking chocolate in the pre-me times."
"James Baker is a famous man who lives in chocolate history."
One girl confided: "People have enjoyed eating chocolate forever and
maybe
even longer..."
[Kids are] not like adults who can reach into their lifetime
stockpile of
expressions. Take these complimentary remarks, for instance:
"I have loved chocolate for as long as I can think to remember."
"Chocolate gives me joy feels all over."
"Everything would not be worth anything without chocolate."
"When I learned Mom was going to make chocolate chip cookies, I told
my feet
to quiet down, but they felt too Saturday to listen."
One tyke was going great until the last word: "Chocolate drinks feel
good if
your throat has orangitis." Another student had many tussles with his
spelling
book. Recently, when he finished writing a sentence, the battleground
looked
like this: "I like to drink hot chockel {crossed out} choka {crossed
out} chalka
{crossed out} coco."
The elementary school child's mind is evidently a vast storehouse of
miscellaneous information, half true, half false and wholly beguiling. This
seems to be especially true when they relate their personal experiences:
"My brother teased me that I was interested to read about trees and
beans and
other things that cause chocolate to happen."
"Hot chocolate has such velvety fingers."
A girl named Linda wrote, with the aid of a bright purple Crayola:
"I have
decided chocolate is my ninth favorite thing in the universe."
Next, some definitions of chocolate. If any of them cause Webster to
turn
over in his grave, he would have to do so with a smile:
"Chocolate is brown, creamy YUMS!"
"Chocolate is a many-purposed word for many dessert types."
There is usually at least an element of truth in the most absurd answer.
Sometimes they aren't wrong; it's just the way they express their
thoughts that
makes their teacher smile:
"You should always capitalize the word chocolate unless it is not
the first
word in a sentence."
"When hot chocolate is poured out it makes the quietest noise I have
ever
heard."
"Chocolate is really cocoa. But me and a lot of other people still
catch
ourselves calling it chocolate."
Once I mentioned that today, at least 2/3 of the world's cocoa
supply comes
from the African cocoa belt. Some comments on the subject:
"The cocoa belt could just as well be called something else if we
could only
think of a better name for it."
"BOO. I did not mean to scare you so bad but that is how I feel
every time I
think of the people who have to go out in the wild jungle to get chocolate."
"I looked up twice where they grow cacao trees, but I forgot it
three times."
If the realization that they don't know everything is the first step to
learning, these students are well on the road to knowledge:
"They make chocolate with milk in Switzerland. Maybe they make
chocolate
without milk, too. I do not know. It takes all my knowing to know they
make
chocolate with milk in Switzerland."
"How they can take cacao pods and make doormats out of them is
something only
encyclopedias know for sure."
"Quite a bit of the world's supply of chocolate goes into making cacao
trees."
"Cacao trees are interesting if you happen to be interested in them."
"It takes eight years to grow chocolate on those big tall trees. But it
takes only a little nick of time to eat it."
Just how tall do cacao trees grow? "Cacao trees can grow 40 feet high.
That's g-r-r-e-e-a-a-t BIG! Even over ten times bigger than that."
"Cacao trees are larger than the largest known whale."
"When I learned how big chocolate trees grow, I would have fainted
if I knew
how."
Oliver Wendell Holmes once observed: "Pretty much all the truth
telling in
the world is done by children." These next thoughts proved to be
unexpected,
unconventional, and undeniably sincere:
"Chocolate has an evergreen mother and a cocoa father."
"People who eat chocolate are very interested folks. All their ways
are happy
ways and excited ways."
"Oughtn't Congress to pass a law giving poor people free chocolate?
Are they
thinking about it? If not I make a motion."
"Misfortunately, choklet [sic] does not agree with itself spellingly and
pronouncingly."
No one likes to look into the future more eagerly than children do.
Two tiny
forecasters had these predictions:
"Chocolate will still be the most popular taste of all 100 years
from now.
Just wait and see."
Will we ever get to the point where people eat even more chocolate? The
chances are 999 out of a hundred."
A couple of years ago, one moppet had a whimsical way of expressing her
thoughts. Here's how she summed up her feelings: "From now on, I will
put both
gladness and wonder in my same thought about chocolate."
Me too.

-= food humor =-= 39
=--------------------------------------------------------

With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog
purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it
clients' names
to itself.

-= food humor =-= 40
=--------------------------------------------------------

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

-= food humor =-= 41
=--------------------------------------------------------

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

-= food humor =-= 42
=--------------------------------------------------------

From a 1984 issue of Forbes magazine:

You can't say that Americans don't have their priorities straight. Last
year,
they spent $4 billion on chocolate, which is a bit more than the amount
spent on
personal computer hardware and software put together.

-= food humor =-= 43
=--------------------------------------------------------

From a "Newsweek" magazine:

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if
there is a
change in your circumstances."

From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.)
Department of
Social Services

-= food humor =-= 44
=--------------------------------------------------------

Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:
A gelatin mold made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One
would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to
swallow, but
believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of
gelatinous glop
into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably
horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely
swallowed. Great fun!

-= food humor =-= 45
=--------------------------------------------------------

In Prague, a 506 pound man identified as Zbynek M., aged fifty-two, was
sentenced to twelve years in prison for stealing $120,000 worth of food.

-= food humor =-= 46
=--------------------------------------------------------

Gum does not digest. When gum is set on fire, the sugar burns out and
turns to
wax. Wrigleys Chewing Gum is the only gum that does not contain wax; it
contains
pine sap.

-= food humor =-= 47
=--------------------------------------------------------

What is the most common speech impediment?
Chewing gum.

-= food humor =-= 48
=--------------------------------------------------------

To keep up with a demand in information, Gene DeFoliart, of the
University of
Wisconsin has been publishing "The Food Insects Newsletter" since 1988.
"Collecting insects as food for humans is the ultimate form of
biological pest
control," says DeFoliart. Some featured recipes have been Beetle Bars,
Honey
Bee Souffle, Insect Quiche and Cricket-on-the-Hearth Bread. One reader
responded
that she thought grasshoppers tasted "creamy and midly sweet, although
DeFoliart
says to avoid the brightly colored ones.

-= food humor =-= 49
=--------------------------------------------------------

China Says Ants Can Spice Up A Maggot Diet

Beijing (Reuter, 1/26) - China's official Xinhua news agency, which
announced
this week that maggot extract is a good source of nutrition, urged people
Thursday to add ants to their diet with a set of recipes cooked up by a
professor.
Wu Zhicheng, "an expert on ant diet" based in the central city of
Nanjing,
has worked out dozens of recipes for ant-based cakes, teas and wines in an
effort to promote ant eating, it said.
"Ants are a miniature nutritious treasury," Xinhua quoted Wu as saying,
adding that ants contained more zinc than either soybeans or pig liver.
Xinhua said Chinese have been eating ants for more than 3,000 years
and "the
longevity of many old people who are now over 100 years old has been
found to be
connected with an ant diet."
The edible ant suggestion follows Xinhua's report Saturday that
announced a
scientific team had worked out a way to develop maggots as a "huge new
source
of nourishment for the 1990s."
"Maggot products are surprisingly appealing," Xinhua said.

-= food humor =-= 50
=--------------------------------------------------------

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream
shop in
Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili,
beer,
eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and
spinach. He
said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed
out 99
pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.

-= food humor =-= 51
=--------------------------------------------------------

Dieting is the triumph of mind over platter. Just try to keep your
willpower
dominant over your won't power.

-= food humor =-= 52
=--------------------------------------------------------

Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the
Deutsch-
mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can
purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the
popular
sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by
economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing
power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable
as an
instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of
products
used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every
country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11
dollars. If he
exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just
barely
obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the
institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one
sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty
capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW
said.

-= food humor =-= 53
=--------------------------------------------------------

Item from the book "Why Do Clocks Run Clockwise? And Other Imponderables" by
David Feldman: Are There More Brown M&Ms Than Any Other Color, and How
Do They
Determine the Ratio of Colors?

M&M/Mars conducts research to answer precisely these types of questions.
Consumers have shown a consistent preference for brown M&Ms, so they
predominate. Few people realize (or care!) that the mix of colors in
plain M&Ms
is different from the peanut version:

Color % in Plain M&Ms % in Peanut M&Ms
Brown 30 30
Yellow 20 20
Red 20 20
Orange 10 10
Green 10 20
Tan 10 0

-= food humor =-= 54
=--------------------------------------------------------

Americans eat enough peanut butter each year to cover the floor of the Grand
Canyon.

-= food humor =-= 55
=--------------------------------------------------------

Ice cream cures all ills. Temporarily. - Seleznick

-= food humor =-= 56
=--------------------------------------------------------

Credit goes to Donald E. Westlake, from "Bred Any Good Rooks Lately?"

A rare delicacy is sauteed Sloth a la Dortmunder. Using the middle toe
of the
great Australian three-toed sloth - the only edible part of that large,
furry,
indolent creature - the careful chef debones it, pounds it as with veal, and
sautees it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and
just a
touch of Tabassco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main
course,
not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many people are under the false
impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've
eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sauteed, A La Dortmunder,
a fact
ill-appreciated in culinary circles. Too many cooks broil the sloth!!!

-= food humor =-= 57
=--------------------------------------------------------

In yesterday's New York Times, it was reported that China's leading distance
runner (she set a new 10,000 m record last year) trains on a diet of
"worms, an
elixir extracted from caterpillar fungus and soup from the blood of
soft-shell
turtle."

-= food humor =-= 58
=--------------------------------------------------------

There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that says "Now
Serving Food". It makes me wonder what they used to serve.

-= food humor =-= 59
=--------------------------------------------------------

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

-= food humor =-= 60
=--------------------------------------------------------

About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and
84% wish
they didn't have to.

-= food humor =-= 61
=--------------------------------------------------------

In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say
you are
"going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their frugality. The
Dutch,
on the other hand, call the same arrangement "op z'n Amerikaans" (going
American) because the Americans are known for their egalitarian nature!
In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from
Turkey. In
Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from "Hindistan",
which is
Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on the Hindi
name of a
turkey?)
French fries aren't really French. In fact, they were invented by the
English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call them
"pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]".
In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankfurters. In
Frankfurt, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.
Furthermore, when Japanese add spices and put it on a stick, they
call it
American Dog. When Americans add spices and put it on a stick, they call it
French Dog. When French add spices and put it on a stick, they call it Corn
Dog.

-= food humor =-= 62
=--------------------------------------------------------

From the book: What Are the Chances: Risks, Odds & Likelihood in
Everyday Life,
by Bernard Siskin, Jerome Staller, and David Rorvik.
Crown Publishers; New York, NY; 1989.
Hardcover; 177 pages; $16.95

Bernard Siskin is vice president of the Philadelphia office of the National
Economic Research Association. Jerome Staller is president of the Center
for Forensic Economic Studies in Philadelphia.

Chapter 9 is "Fat Chance; Food, Diet, Weight."
In which country of the world do you run the highest risk of
obesity? The
United States.
Are the rich or the poor more likely to be overweight? The poor.
Will the use of artificial sweeteners help you to lose weight?
Statistics
show that those using artificial sweeteners are more likely to gain
weight than
nonusers.

-= food humor =-= 63
=--------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between broccoli (or brussel sprouts) and a booger?
You can MAKE a kid eat a booger.

-= food humor =-= 64
=--------------------------------------------------------

Aspertame was dicovered by accident.

-= food humor =-= 65
=--------------------------------------------------------

Penicillin is a bread mold. When you eat cheese, you are eating milk mold.

-= food humor =-= 66
=--------------------------------------------------------

Lick That Plate Clean - And Then Eat It (Reuters)

Taipei

A company in the Republic of China on Taiwan has invented what it
claims is
the world's first range of edible tableware.

"Our bowls and plates are made of oatmeal and can be eaten or thrown
away
after use. Unlike plastic foam, they won't cause any pollution because
birds
and dogs can eat them," Lin Wan-jung, spokesman for Taiwan Sugu C., said
yesterday.
"The surface is glossy just like china... They're the first of
their kind in
the world," he said.
Production will start next week and is initially set at 20,000 bowls and
plates a day, Lin said, adding that he expects the inventions to be
popular in
environmentally conscious markets such as the United States, Japan, and
Europe.
Edible bowls start to leak three to four hours after coming in
contact with
boiling water, he said. They will sell for 19 cents each.

-= food humor =-= 67
=--------------------------------------------------------

Still Hungry? Eat The Plate

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a
delicious meal
can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had
perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to
mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food
containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at
about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted
popcorn -
can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded
crockery. The
only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

-= food humor =-= 68
=--------------------------------------------------------

It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.

-= food humor =-= 69
=--------------------------------------------------------

Biology Of Snack Cakes
Prepared by Eric Kollenberg
21 Feb. 1986

I. Introduction

As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet
(Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack
cakes.
Although volumes of boring material have been written about the former two
subjects, there is a notable lack of reference material covering the
latter. So
I made some up.

II. Evolution And Classification

Snack cakes developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you
look on
the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples
nearly that
old), when the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup. This
prehistoric
mixture of propylene glycol, potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium
citrate, primitive emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake"
spawned the first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to
colonize
around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the layperson as
"creme filling"). The colonies developed into types: spongospores and
diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the former is the common
Twinkie ("Hostus* hostilus"), the latter is typified by the primitive
"Suzy Q"
("Hostus satanis"). In a bid for survival, some varieties, such as the
"Hostus
hostum" (Ho-Ho) and the "Hostus zippum" (Ding-Dong) evolved protective
inedible
outer shells, or exofrostings.

There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake, which some
have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the mythical "Little
Debbie."
However, these topics are outside the scope of this paper, which is
another way
of saying that I'm getting tired of typing.

III. Biochemistry

What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for the
behavior
of these species? What are the chemical reactions occurring within the cell
tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the hell should I know?

IV. Feeding

The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world.
Resembling a
food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf.
Then it dives down the throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The
Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like a feeding starfish, and digests the
victim with its potent creme filling.

V. Reproduction

"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you
don't think
I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you? Actually, I'd be
glad to
(especially for money), but the breeding habits of snack cakes have
never been
observed. This is something of a mystery, since more specimens are
always being
sighted under car seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of
vending
machines. Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie
have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.

VI. Sources

1. Daniken, Erich von, "Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying Saucer
Pyramid
Gods" 1969.

2. Ibid, William, "Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography" 1947.

3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills and
Eats
Her" 1 Mar 1986 "National Devourer".

4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer, Improves
Sex Life,
Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears" 1 Jan 1985 "Midnite Globule".

* Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food
Substitute
Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international corruption. It is used
without
permission, for which hordes of oily lawyers will probably descend on me
and cut
out my lungs with a hacksaw.

[This paper was originally submitted as a Silly Science Fair (tm)
project at an
SF con in Chicago, along with another on reproduction of coathangers. It
included a cross-sectional diagram of a Twinkie, and dissection photos
(yuck!)
of other species.

-= food humor =-= 70
=--------------------------------------------------------

Seen on a bakery delivery truck:
Cakes 66 cents
Upsidedown cakes 99 cents.

-= food humor =-= 71
=--------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Pepper was made of Prune Juice and was never a cough syrup.

-= food humor =-= 72
=--------------------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola slogans over the years:
1905 - "Coca-Cola revives and sustains"
1906 - "The great national temperance beverage"
1915 - "Pause in the mad rush and seek a soda fountain"
1948 - "Where there's Coke there's hospitality"

-= food humor =-= 73
=--------------------------------------------------------

What do monsters eat?
Things.
What do monsters drink?
Coke
Why?
Because things go better with Coke.

-= food humor =-= 74
=--------------------------------------------------------

Foods taste blander in airplanes in part because cabin pressure dampens the
dispersion of aromas.

-= food humor =-= 75
=--------------------------------------------------------

There's more lemon in Lemon Pledge furniture polish then in Country Time
Lemonade.

-= food humor =-= 76
=--------------------------------------------------------

Twinkies

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual
physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack
logs to the
following experiments:

Exposure

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an
inch and a
half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's
surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this
potential
source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the
sun, the
Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was
found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have
taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however,
retained its advertised "creaminess"

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20
seconds,
the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of
artificial
butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of
burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when
thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second
Twinkie
was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white
filling.
When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate,
defying
gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.

Extreme Force

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120
feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage
to the
Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie
remained
structurally intact.

Extreme Cold

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon
removal, the
Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had
noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate
consistency of
acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to
practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously
absorbed the
freezer odors.

Extreme Heat

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie
smoked and
blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the
Twinkie did
not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma
noticed
in the irradiation experiment.

Immersion

A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie
floated
momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran
off its
lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring.
After 2
hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very
pale tan
- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The
Twinkie
bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the
Twinkie
had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had
turned
opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the
"cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated
into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

Summary of Results

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring,
should
give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the
Twinkie as
"food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite
conclusions
can be drawn.

Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989

-= food humor =-= 77
=--------------------------------------------------------

Thin People Don't

By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983

I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their
suggestions. But
eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've
found The
Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an
ounce no
matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He
thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that
thin people:

avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;

split a large combination pizza with three friends;

think Oreo cookies are for kids;

nibble cashews one at a time;

think that doughnuts are indigestible;

read books they have to hold with both hands;

become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;

fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;

counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;

exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;

lose their appetites when they're depressed;

think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;

prefer "The Joy of Sex" to "The Joy of Cooking";

save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make
interesting soups;

throw out stale potato chips;

will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a
special store;

think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy
chocolate;

don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;

warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped
cream;

try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;

find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;

get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never
quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;

have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly
beans to an equal number of each color;

think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;

bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;

think banana splits are for kids.

-= food humor =-= 78
=--------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves
being given
a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over
there are
the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any
refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the
area."
"Heck, Maevis," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we
could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that damn oat
bran,
wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

-= food humor =-= 79
=--------------------------------------------------------

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

-= food humor =-= 80
=--------------------------------------------------------

A fat man in Selma, Ala., got a plastic bag containing 45 rocks of crack
cocaine
through a strip-search by hiding it "between folds of his abdominal
skin." So
now we have an answer to that age-old question of how do you know when
you are
too fat.

-= food humor =-= 81
=--------------------------------------------------------

Easy Way To Kill Insects In Soil And Grow Better Vegetables
(from a rec.gardens posting)

If you are troubled by soil-borne pests, I've discovered an easy way to get
rid of them.

First, clear all the plants you have from the soil by using a blow
torch. If
you don't have a blow torch, you can pour gasoline onto your soil, very
lightly,
and set fire to it. When you are through burning off all the plants,
take a few
gallons of diesel oil and pour it on the soil until the soil is completely
covered. Pour several gallons of Malathion on the same soil. Then,
cover your
soil with a thick dusting of Sevin and Rotenone. Get a sprayer and
spray the
area with Thompson's Water Seal. Take a match and set fire to the
mixture on
the soil. When the fire burns out, pour Ortho insect dust on the ground
until
it is 5 inches thick. When you are finished, rototill this mixture into the
soil thoroughly.
When you are done rototilling, pour another liberal application of
gasoline
onto the soil and set fire to it again. This will kill any weed seeds
loosened
by the rototilling.
When the fire burns out, hose the soil with more Malathion until it
is about
three inches of standing liquid. Let it seep into the ground overnight.
In the
morning, add another liberal dose of gasoline to the soil and set fire to it
again. When the fire is out, pour cannisters of ladybugs, trichgramma
wasps,
and praying mantis egg cases onto the soil.
When you are finished, feel free to plant your organic fruits,
vegetables,
and ornamentals. They should do well in your now pest-free garden.

-= food humor =-= 82
=--------------------------------------------------------

From an article in Physics Today by Gary Taubs:

Onward To The Dessertron

The machine will be the most ambitious scientific instrument ever: a
colossal
doughnut-shaped accelerator so immense that all the jelly and cream in
the world
could not fill it. Dubbed the "Dessertron", it will create twin beams
of ice
cream, one vanilla and one chocolate, and will smash them together at
energies
of 40 trillion sprinkles (40 jimmies), one thousand times more powerful
than any
ice cream smasher ever made. Because matter and energy are equivalent in
desserts, eternally linked by Einstein's famous equation:

(extra weight) = (mass) x (speed of consumption) squared

when these beams collide, they will do more than make soft yogurt.
Theorists
believe that scattered among the debris of the collisions will be elementary
flavors and new desserts hundreds of times more fattening than any known
now.
"Every time we have increased energy by a factor of 1000," says
high-calorie
fizzicist Sherbet Glace' of Harvard (who won the 1979 Nobel Prize for
proving
that at temperatures above 10 to the 28th power jimmies, strawberry
rhubarb and
French vanilla are both aspects of the same fundamental God-like flavor) "we
have discovered something new. At one sprinkle, we discovered the
banana. At
one thousand, we figured out that frappes, westerns, malteds and
milkshakes were
simply different variations of ice cream and milk. At a million, we
discovered
fudge and made brownies, and were content. The next big step was
another factor
of 1000, and quantum crust theories were invented as well as the Little Jack
Hoerner uncertainty principle. It's clear that what we need to do is study
desserts at several trillion sprinkles."
In July, the High Calorie Dessert Advisory Panel of the Food and Drug
Administration recommended that the number one priority in research for
the next
two decades should be the ice cream accelerator officially named the
Superconducting Super Osterizer (SSO). The mammoth blender, as they have
proposed it, would be as much as 120 miles in diameter with several
different
speeds from puree all the way through whip. It would take twelve years
to build
and cost $2.2 billion, but it would also chop, dice, slice, and make moist
icing. Among the desserts that scientists hope the machine will find
are the
rasberry quark, the Higgs Sundae (which may be responsible for defining the
caloric content of all fundamental desserts during spontaneous symmetry
breakfasting); those desserts predicted by the theory techniflavor, which
postulates that the Higgs Sundae is not a fundamental dessert but is
actually a
bound state of more elementary desserts; and the particles of sugarsymmetry,
which include spumpkin and specan pies, banino splits and banino cream
pies and
several different flavors of antipastries.
Ever since the SSO was proposed in July, it has become the hottest
plum in
science. Brighams, Carvel, Baskin-Robbins, Friendlies, LuCerne and
Sealtest have
already put in bids for the machine and many more are expected. The
state of
Texas has promised that if the machine is built in Texas, it will pay
for the
tunnels and the refrigeration equipment needed to cool the ice cream
down to a
few degrees above absolute zero to save money on artificial
preservatives. When
the SSO is finished, it will assure the U.S. pre-eminence in desserts
well into
the 21st century, and says Carob Rumraisin, the famous Italian fizzacist and
discover of intermediate vector bonbons and low-calorie cannoli, "Once this
machine is built, American scientists will finally get their just desserts."

-= food humor =-= 83
=--------------------------------------------------------

From the 'The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")'
Issue Number 1994-03, July 1994, ISSN 1076-500X

1994-03-04 Additional, Unreported Dangers from Mexican food

by Steve Mirsky
New York City

The recent report from CSIPI [1] on the high fat and salt content of
Mexican
food, though long overdue, still neglects to implicate the myriad other
health
dangers consumers face when dining in Mexican restaurants.
The plates upon which Mexican food is traditionally served can be
very, very
hot, indeed approaching the "yip yip woo hatcha" stage. Contact between
said
plates and human skin can result in tissue damage followed by vigorous hand
waving and blowing that in turn can cause hyperventilation.
A little-discussed danger of Mexican dining is the finite probability of
encounters with roving Mariachia bands. A condition known as Castanet
Culjone,
though rare, is particularly painful and debilitating. In addition, the
small
mobile orchestras are exceptionally annoying, which can lower the immune
response.
Finally, there is the much observed but little discussed "twice-burned"
phenomenon, consistent with the relative indigestibility of certain key
ingredients of Mexican food that register particularly high on the Scoville
Organoleptic Test (the official scale of hotness)[2]. At least one Navy
test
has shown that window cleaning fluid, especially if it contains ammonia,
can be
an effective topical neutralizing solution for SOEYYWH (Sudden Onset
Egress Yip
Yip Woo Hatcha)[3].

REFERENCES

1. The Center for Science in the Public Interest
2. "Peppers," by Amal Naj, Vintage Books, 1992, p. 25.
3. Personal communication to the author. A Naval Academy graduate
reports that
his roommate at Annapolis used to spray his (the roommate's own)
anal region
with Windex after a spicy meal.

-= food humor =-= 84
=--------------------------------------------------------

Following are a few amusing facts concerning food and nutrition, taken
from my
local paper:

Licking a regular size, multicolor stamp delivers .007 calories. A larger
commemorative, such as *Elvis*, has .014 calories.

Researchers at Harvard University, spurred by an urban myth, tested the
effectiveness of Coca-Cola as a spermicide. The result: Diet Coke worked a
little, but not well enough to qualify as a new form of birth control.

Survey: 14% of those responding make milk part of their sex lives.

And finally: Derrick Johnson of Newport Beach, Calif., was fired from
his stock
clerk job in a supermarket because he talked to USA Today about his
membership
in the Poultry Bowling Association. Johnson and fellow clerks on the night
shift used frozen turkeys to bowl over "pins" - 2 liter soft drink bottles.

-= food humor =-= 85
=--------------------------------------------------------

From an AP newswire 23 August 1994

Larry Clifford has won the 2nd Annual Mosquito Cookoff at Crowley's
Ridge State
Park, Arkansas, where they celebrate mosquitoes after park officials
received
complaints of people been bitten in other late-summer festivals.

Here's the prizewinning recipe:

Lightly crush mosquitos to prevent them from flying off. Pour into
mixture of
brown sugar and syrup and boil. (This seasons them and kills 16
disease-carrying
bacteria.) Finally, pour the mixture onto cookie sheets, dry, and cut into
small chips to add to regular cookie mix.

"It tasted good! You couldn't taste the mosquitoes at all," said Randy
Cross of
Walcott, Arkansas. Runner-up recipes include mosquito supreme pizza,
mosquito
meat pie, and baked chili con 'skeeter.

-= food humor =-= 86
=--------------------------------------------------------

From the "Selling It" column in the February 1993 issue of Consumer Reports
magazine:)

An Idaho reader sent us this Fred Meyer recipe from the back of a box of
Fred
Meyer Crisp Crunch ceral, a product of Oregon-based Fred Meyer Inc. We
think
we've spotted an opening for Fred in the baking-powder business.

Crispy Raisin Cookies

1/2 cup Fred Meyer vegetable shortening
1/2 cup packed Fred Meyer brown sugar
1 Fred Meyer egg
1 teaspoon Fred Meyer vanilla extract
1 cup Fred Meyer all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon Fred Meyer cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon Fred Meyer salt
2-1/2 cups Fred Meyer Crisp Crunch cereal
2/3 cup Fred Meyer raisins

-= food humor =-= 87
=--------------------------------------------------------

In August of 1993, the Economic Evening News of Taiyuan, China, reported
that a
woman in her thirties, unidentified in the story, had eaten more than
800 rubber
nipples from baby bottles in the last three years. A province health
official
said all family members apparently liked the smell of rubber.

-= food humor =-= 88
=--------------------------------------------------------

The electric pickle is an experiment that was a tremendous success in ...
freshman electronics class. You go to a deli, see, and get a big kosher
dill
pickle, seven or eight inches long. The you cut the cord of an old electric
appliance and strip the ends to expose two or three inches of split wire.
(Unplug it first.) Get two two- or three-inch nails, wrap one strand of
wire
around each nail, and stick the nails into the pickle. Then plug in the
cord.
"After about ten seconds," Franklin explains, "the pickle wqill light up,
glowing and crackling. It's really quite bright." ... "You can try it at
home," says Franklin, "but don't touch the pickle." - "Discover"
magazine, May
1994 pg 44.

-= food humor =-= 89
=--------------------------------------------------------

From Reuters News Service:

Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle
Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle
mushrooms.
They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could
find
their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed
Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.

-= food humor =-= 90
=--------------------------------------------------------

The "Evolution" Of The Granola Bar

The granola bar, the staple food of politically correct activists,
is deeply
rooted in the history of the pioneers. The pioneers commonly spent 20
hours a
day clearing the land and planting crops, and naturally, worked up quite a
sweat. After a refreshing "cooler," a dip of the head in an ice cold river,
they resumed their productive labours. Their first crops, barley, rye,
wheat,
oats, etc., comprised the main ingredients for granola. Those who did
not find
it palatable used it for fodder, which was quite popular with horses.
The decline of the equine population produced a surplus of granola
in the
1960's, which drove down prices on the futures market. Sold at sub-culture
health food stores at bulk prices, it was popular amongst hippies, who
ate it
for energy between war protest demonstrations and love-ins, and threw it
instead
of rice at weddings as an anti-establishment statement.
In the 1970's, a disillusioned Yippie-turned-Yuppie MBA student
inadvertently
left some granola in his jeans when he did his laundry. With a keen eye
for a
quick buck, he marketed the result as the "granola bar." The original
flavours
were raison, peanuts, chocolate chip, and just plain granola. They were
staggeringly popular with campers and hikers as a ready source of
energy, and
emergency substitute tent pegs.
In the 1980's, the hikers became soft and turned Club-Med. They
developed a
taste for the life of ease: instant tellers, cellular phones, microwave
dinners,
scratch & win lottery tickets, faxed letters, twist-top wine coolers, and
effortless success. Pushed by market forces, granola bar engineers
toiled for
hours in research and development labs to develop soft, easily gulpable
granola
bars which required little effort to chew and posed no hazard to dental
caps.
Now in the 1990's, public demand is forcing the same artificially
flavoured
fate as befell yogurt and coolers upon the granola bar. Trendy exclusively
granola bar health food restaurants will soon be serving 99 exotic
flavours such
as asparagus, broccoli, cappuccino, chocolate fondue dip, pasta, quiche,
sea-weed, Spam, spinach, yogurt, and caffeine-laced power bars. Incidently,
horses will no longer touch the stuff.

-= food humor =-= 91
=--------------------------------------------------------

From the "Selling It" column of the August issue of Consumer Reports:

A can of Del Monte creamed corn says on the label that it "contains no
artificial additives or preservatives." Another message, some distance
lower,
says "Contains Recycled Steel."

Given the choice, we'd take the additives.

-= food humor =-= 92
=--------------------------------------------------------

There's a new celebrity where Sunset Boulevard meets the sea. A
live Main
lobster tipping the scales at 12 1/2 pounds and possibly destined for
the main
course at $9.95 a pound. But diners and workers at Gladstone's 4 Fish
in Los
Angeles have a crush on the crustacean, have named the gentle giant
Spike, and
are pleading for his life.
"A lot of servers really find him nice because he has such a nice
demeanor.
He doesn't snap at them because he's really mellow," says Gladstone's
manager
Jay Regan.
"We came in and saw him last Friday, fell in love with him and just
kind of
adopted him," said waitress Julie Gleason.
Spike is believed to be about 65 years old, but his days may be
numbered.
His date with fate is Nov. 1 (1994), when he will be given away during a
drawing.
"I hope whoever gets him doesn't kill him. I hope they let him
live, or give
him to Scripps (Institution of Oceanography) or something, I mean, he's
survived
two wars," said Gleason. But she thinks the other lobsters in the
Gladstone's
tank are jealous of Spike and would just as soon see him leave. "I think
they're jealous because he's the only one who keeps coming back. When
the other
ones are pulled from the tank, they don't come back," Gleason said.

-= food humor =-= 93
=--------------------------------------------------------

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

-= food humor =-= 94
=--------------------------------------------------------

From an Associated Press news wire:

The state of Massachusetts is drafting regulations prohibiting large-scale
bakers to allow the odor of bread to be released into the atmosphere
because it
contains ethanol, which can break down into ozone, a component of smog. "If
people have such a visceral response to this smell, they can bake their own
bread," said the engineer at the state Department of Environmental
Protection
who drafted the regulation.

-= food humor =-= 95
=--------------------------------------------------------

A food company is considering marketing a new cereal with Andrew Dice Clay's
picture on the box. The cereal will be called Nut 'n' Bitch.

-= food humor =-= 96
=--------------------------------------------------------

From the M.I.T. AIR [Annals of Improbable Research]...

Research reports that merit a trip to the library:

"The Dielectric Properties of Meat" by B. Bodakian and F. X. Hart, "IEEE
Transactions on Dielectrics and Electrical Insulation", Vol. 1, No 2, April
1994. The abstract reads in part: "The permittivity and conductivity of
beef
and chicken samples were measured in the frequency range of 1 Hz to 1 MHz.
Differences were observed in these dielectric spectra for commercially
purchased, as compared to freshly slaughtered samples." (Thanks to Anders
Larsson for bringing this and the next citation to our attention.)

"A Classification of Pure Malt Scotch Whiskies" by F. J. Lapointe and P.
Legendre, "Applied Statistics", Vol. 43, No 1, pp. 237-257, 1994. The
authors
introduce their study thusly: "Single malts are well known by amateurs
to differ
widely in nose, colour, body, palate, and finish. The layman interested in
discovering the diversity of these tasting sensations may wonder how to
approach
the problem: what are the main types of single-malt Scotches, and in
what way do
they differ? This is the type of question that came to us after acquainting
ourselves with single-malt whiskies during and after the 3rd Conference
of the
International Federation of Classification Societies held at Heriot-Watt
University in Edingburgh, Scotland, in August 1991."

-= food humor =-= 97
=--------------------------------------------------------

A comedian (Seinfeld?) once reported going into a McDonald's and asking
for an
order of fries. The girl asked, "Would you like some fries with that?"

-= food humor =-= 98
=--------------------------------------------------------

It has been said that we live on one-third of what we eat and the health
clubs
and fat farms live on the rest.

-= food humor =-= 99
=--------------------------------------------------------

A woman taking entry tickets at the Seaside, Ore. aquarium noticed a man
who had
come in earlier walking back out with Victor, a 25-lb. lobster, under
his arm.
She called the manager, Keith Chandler, who gave chase. "It wasn't too
difficult
to spot the guy; he had a lobster under his arm," Chandler said. Victor was
plopped back into his tank and the man was plopped into the clink on theft
charges. Victor is estimated to be 80 to 100 years old.

-= food humor =-= 100
=--------------------------------------------------------

In 1885, a drug manufacturer claimed "Cocaine can take the place of
food, make
the coward brave, the silent eloquent, free the victims of alcohol and opium
habit from their bondage, and, as an anaesthetic, render the sufferer
insensitive to pain."

In 1886, an early advertisement for Coca Cola claimed "This intellectual
beverage and temperance drink contains the valuable tonic and nerve
stimulant
properties of the coca plant.

-= food humor =-= 101
=--------------------------------------------------------

In 1972, advertising agency Young & Rubicam were about to launch Hunt-Wesson
Foods' canned pork and beans in Canada. In the U.K., the product had
been known
as "Big John's", and they wanted a Canadian equivalent. The basic
translation,
"Grand Jean", seemed insufficiently macho, so they changed it to the
colloquial
"Gros Jos". Development, packaging, design, and the other necessities
of the ad
campaign went smoothly ahead and the launch date was fixed. Then one
French-
speaking copywriter happened to read the label. It appeared, she pointed
out,
that the treasured colloquialism went a little far. "Gros Jos" meant "Big
Tits". The campaign was scrapped.

-= food humor =-= 102
=--------------------------------------------------------

In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of
Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists
hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's
helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team
headed by
physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed
sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying
baskets to
deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut
30 to
40 seconds off each batch's frying time.

-= food humor =-= 103
=--------------------------------------------------------

Bear Market Means Bargain For Diners
By Paul Lewis

(from the New York Times News Service)

Paris - The two hungry diners sat down, turned expectantly to a
flickering
computer screen on a nearby stand and began studying the latest
quotations. The
news seemed ominous. Making money would not be easy in today's luncheon
market.
The scene was La Connivence, a small new bistro-style restaurant at
6 Rue
Feydeau, a stone's throw from the Paris Bourse, or stock exchange. As with
stocks on the exchange, the laws of supply and demand determine the
price diners
at La Connivence pay for a meal. (The name, La Connivence, means
complicity,
with the slightly shady overtones appropriate for a gambling den of sorts.)
As patrons place their orders in the austere ground-floor dining
room, one of
the owners, Jean-Claude Trastour, enters them into a computer which promptly
adjusts the menu prices to reflect demand. Popular dishes, like popular
stocks,
go up in price while less popular ones decline.
Timorous diners may choose to pay the quoted price for a dish at the
moment
they order it. That is called eating on the march comptant, or cash
market. If
the price rises while these diners are tucking in, they have done very
well for
themselves. If the price falls, they get indigestion. It is the safe
way to
eat, safe and dull.
More adventurous folks play the futures market, the march a terme,
agreeing
to pay the price quoted when they call for the check at the end of their
meal.
Naturally, they hope the price will have fallen by that fateful moment. But
hopes may be dashed by a flurry of buying, and the price may easily
shoot up.
Worse indigestion.
The newly seated diners began preparing their gambling strategy by
reading
the trends. They saw that the prices of several dishes had already
fallen by
close to 6 francs, the limit for price changes up or down in any one eating-
trading session. (A dollar is worth about 7 francs.) That left little
room for
further decline. There would be no point in ordering any of those
dishes, no
matter how delectable, unless, of course, the diner was more interested in
eating than in successful speculation.
The computer screen flashed chute du filet mignon, indicating that
the price
of that choice steak had already fallen 5 francs, to 50 francs a
serving. A veal
casserole with herbs had slipped 4 francs, to 48 francs. A rack of lamb
chops
for two, down 10 francs, was priced to sell for 110 francs a serving. As
for the
haddock, the computer reported a "sharp fall" of 5 francs a portion, to 57
francs.
Other dishes were doing better. The screen showed that a "stampede"
of orders
for lotte had pushed the price of that pleasant Mediterranean fish up 4
francs
to 62 francs a portion, making it an interesting speculation. If diners
played
the forward market, the price might be substantially lower when the time
came to
pay; of course, it could still rise another 2 francs before reaching the 6
francs ceiling.
Occasionally, a diner's greed is outweighed by the thought of what
he would
have to eat to turn a profit. An example: "Victorious advance of the
stuffed
pigs' trotter," the computer flashed, marking it up 5 francs, to 43 francs.
Surely it could only fall. But a lunch of pigs' feet?
In the end, the diners chose a conservative strategy, ordering the
special of
the day, saddle of lamb, on the marche a terme. The lamb was trading at 39
francs a portion; up a modest 2 francs for the day thus far.
The check arrived for the conservative diners: 228 francs for two,
which is
pretty good by Paris standards since it included a bottle of Beaujolais, a
cheese-filled ravioli from the French Alps for a starter, homemade apple
tart,
and coffee. But the roast saddle of lamb stood at 38 francs, only a
meager 1
franc cheaper than when it was ordered. Down the street, the Bourse was
having
one of its best days ever.

[Inside tip: Sell-SHORT-Ribs, Buy-LONGustine. Bon appetit! Pierre]

-= food humor =-= 104
=--------------------------------------------------------

From the L.A. Times:

An experimental car was driven from New York to San Francisco powered
only by
french fry oil. The only drawback was that engineers had to stop every
thousand
miles to change the ketchup.

-= food humor =-= 105
=--------------------------------------------------------

Even today, the Eskimo displays very little gustatory qualm. Near Fort
Chimo,
Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I thought, crowberries. One taste told me
the truth. They weren't crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in
seal fat.
I declined any more. The man who offered them to me shrugged and
continued to
pop them into his mouth like salted peanuts. - from the introduction to
"A Kayak
Full of Ghosts: Eskimo Tales", gathered and retold by Lawrence Milman ISBN
0-88496-267-9

-= food humor =-= 106
=--------------------------------------------------------

Strawberry Pop-Tart Blow Torches

Last Updated: 2 August 1994

Author:
Patrick R. Michaud, ***@cbi.tamucc.edu

Abstract

Strawberry Pop Tarts may be a cheap and inexpensive source of incendiary
devices. Toasters which fail to eject Pop Tarts cause the Pop Tarts to emit
flames 10-18 inches in height.

Introduction

Last year, an article by well-known newspaper columnist Dave Barry noted
that
Kellogg's Strawberry Pop Tarts (SPTs) could be made to emit flames "like
a blow
torch" if left in a toaster too long. Given previous work in the field
of food-
entertainment (see Fun With Grapes - A Case Study (included following this
article)), it was obvious that this was a new frontier that requires further
exploration. The present work describes our independent verification and
experience with SPT-based combustion.

Materials Used

Only two basic materials are needed to cause SPT-combustion: a (hopefully
inexpensive) toaster and some Strawberry Pop Tarts. In this work, the
authors
used Kellogg's Strawberry Pop Tarts with Real Smucker's Fruit. SPTs can be
obtained either with or without frosting; the non-frosted variety were
used for
this experiment.

In addition to the basic materials, a number of safety-related items
were needed
to conduct this experiment. First, a suitable location for the
experiment was
required, it being expected that the kitchen was not the appropriate
place for
blow-torching SPTs. The author's driveway was chosen as a suitable site.
Second, an appropriate means for extinguishing the SPTs would be needed; a
research assistant brought along some baking soda for the purpose.

Experiment Preparation

The toaster and SPT both had to be properly prepared for this
experiment. In
order to guarantee that the SPT would receive sufficient heat to begin
combustion, the toaster was set to its highest setting and the lever was
jammed
in the "down" position using adhesive cellophane. A SPT was removed
from the
box and its protective packaging and carefully placed into the toaster slot.

Next, the toaster and SPT were taken to the driveway and an extension
cord was
arranged to provide power to the toaster. At this point, we were ready
to begin
the experiment.

The Experiment and Observations

The toaster was plugged in. First, the toaster went through a normal
"toasting"
cycle (approximately 60 seconds), which more than thoroughly cooked the SPT
(since the toaster was set to its darkest setting). By this point, we could
definitely detect a burnt SPT aroma. The toaster then attempted to
eject the
SPT, but was prevented from doing so by the adhesive cellophane. The
toaster
then began emitting loud rattling and buzzing noises due to its inability to
eject the SPT.

(At this point the researchers became somewhat concerned that the noise
from the
toaster would wake the neighbors and attract undue attention. However, we
decided that we were already committed to the experiment and that the
neighbors
would be able to sacrifice some sleep in the name of science.)

Soon thereafter, large amounts of smoke began pouring out of the
toaster. The
researchers noticed that some of the neighbors down the street were
beginning to
get a little curious, but the experiment proceeded nonetheless.
Approximately
40 seconds later, small flames began licking their way out of the
toaster. The
flames steadily grew larger and larger until reaching a maximum height
of about
18 inches above the top of the toaster.

As the flames were reaching their maximum height, the toaster abruptly
stopped
making buzzing noises. We speculate that the flames had by this point
shorted
the electronics within the toaster. The toaster was quickly
disconnected from
the primary electrical source to avoid any potential damage to the author's
house. At this point, the researchers also realized that the heat could
inadvertently melt the adhesive cellophane and cause the flaming SPTs to
suddenly eject from the toaster. Unfortunately, this did not occur.
The flames
continued for several minutes.

At this point, there was some slight concern that the flames might take
considerable time to diminish. We then enlisted the help of a reluctant
research
assistant to sprinkle baking soda on the flames. (The reluctance was
understandable given the potential for premature SPT ejection described
in the
above paragraph.) The baking soda quickly extinguished the flames and
produced
still further smoke.

Once the flames were extinguished, the researchers noted an unanticipated
problem: what to do with the (now defunct) toaster and the spent SPT.
It became
obvious that the toaster could not be returned to the author's house due
to both
a continued potential fire hazard and the smell of burnt strawberries. In
addition, it was noted that the toaster was still "too hot to handle,"
necessitating the use of a nearby garden hose to cool the toaster off.
Finally,
it was decided to just leave the toaster by the curb for the sanitation
experts
to pick up the next morning.

Summary and Recommendations

In summary, overcooking the SPT did produce a good size flame. The
effect was
not as pronounced as the researchers had hoped, but was satisfying
nonetheless.
The research assistant noted that the flames produced did appear to have
some
color variation. We believe that frosted SPTs may successfully produce even
larger torches. Further research in this area is warranted.

We did desire to repeat the experiment with the remaining five SPTs, but we
could not do so because there were no more suitable toasters available for
further experiments. In the future, we recommend that toasters be sold
in six-
packs to accomodate important SPT research. Instead, the remaining SPTs
were
sacrified over the course of the next several days in private, undocumented
consumption experiments.

Acknowledgements

Special thanks to Jennifer "Svetlana" Reckard for her suggestions and
proofreading of this work.

-= food humor =-= 107
=--------------------------------------------------------

Fun with Grapes - A Case Study

Last Updated: 14 June 1994

Authors:
Marc G. Frank, ***@erebus.com
Patrick R. Michaud, ***@cbi.tamucc.edu

Abstract

Using only cheap, readily-available equipment, you can create a spectacular
lightshow in the comfort of your very own kitchen, providing hours of
fun and
excitement for your family, friends, and pets!

Ordinary grapes, when properly prepared and microwaved, spark
impressively in an
extremely entertaining manner.

Introduction

We have made an important new discovery in the field of culinary
entertainment.
Properly prepared, the common seedless grape can be made to combust
spectacularly when subjected to a short (5-10 second) duration of
microwaves.
This study was conducted based upon suggestions from dozens of IRC #root
participants using locally available funds and equipment.

Materials Required

The following materials were needed for this study:

Green grapes (genus Vitis)
Microwave-safe plate (Corelle by Corning)
Knife (Ekco Stainless Steel)
Microwave Oven (Whirlpool Model MT6901XW-0)
No parental sponsors (both authors are fortunate to have supporting funds
unencumbered by parental restrictions)

Procedure

1. The authors carefully cleared the laboratories of all non-essential
personnel, especially those persons who might attempt to abort the
experiment while the grapes were still in the pre-combustion phase.

2. Next, the grapes were carefully prepared for proper theatrical
effect. The
knife was used to carefully slice the grape almost in half, leaving the
grape halves attached by the skin. Next, the grapes halves were
placed face
down in the middle of the microwave safe plate.

3. Next, the plate with the prepared grapes were placed into the center
of the
microwave oven and the door carefully shut. The microwave was set
to cook at
full power for 40 seconds. Finally, after the various recording
devices were
in place, the start button on the microwave was engaged.

Observed Results

The effect of the microwaves on the sliced grapes produced an extremely
satisfying flare and associated sparks. The sparks began approximately 5
seconds
after the microwave was started. Approximately 3-4 seconds after that,
the force
of the sparks separated the grape halves by approximately 1.5 cm, ending the
theatrical effects. At that point, the microwave session was aborted to
prevent
further damage to the microwave and/or grape.

Discussion and Conclusions

As this report was being prepared, it became evident to the researchers
that a
mis-communication occurred from the experimental design to the actual
conduct of
the experiment. The original experimental design called for the grapes
to be
placed on the plate with the sliced side up, whereas this experiment
occurred
with the sliced sides placed downward. Further research will be required to
determine if the positioning of the grapes significantly affects the
theatrical
results.

A future experiment calls for the microwaving of multiple grapes
simultaneously
for increased theatrical effect. For those who wish to forge ahead on this
research, the authors suggest separating each grape by a distance of 1.5
cm or
more. Note that the authors take no responsibility for any accidents
resulting
from mis-application of this study. If your microwave blows up and your
house
catches fire, call the fire department, not us. Our microwave ovens
appear to be
in good shape after repeated experiments.

The results of this study will greatly enhance the field of culinary
entertainment. New pyrotechnic methods have been developed using commonly
available grapes and microwave ovens. The results of this study and its
derivative works provide fertile ground for new research. The authors are
planning to use this research as a basis for experimentation with other
species
of grape and produce. Results of such study will be made available in
future
publications.

Acknowledgements

The authors gratefully acknowledge the operators of IRC and the
participants of
channel #root, without whom this study would have been left incomplete.

-= food humor =-= 108
=--------------------------------------------------------

In September 1994, research supported by a British juice company found that
50,000 people in Great Britain seek hospital treatment every year from
injuries
incurred while struggling to open milk and juice containers.

-= food humor =-= 109
=--------------------------------------------------------

What is the high point of a bulimic's birthday party?
It's when the cake jumps out of the girl.

(Uugh, uugh, blechh, bad joke!)

-= food humor =-= 110
=--------------------------------------------------------

Food Fight!

In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his
24-year-old
girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After
arguing
loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually,
the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the
contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the
floor, she
allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.

-= food humor =-= 111
=--------------------------------------------------------

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

-= food humor =-= 112
=--------------------------------------------------------

The man who designed the original Oscar Meyer Weinermobile has died.
Don't feel
bad though, he lived his life with relish.

-= food humor =-= 113
=--------------------------------------------------------

My Appetite Is My Shepherd

My appetite is my shepherd,
I always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff my self.
It leadeth me to the refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King
for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth,
I will not stop eating,
It tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me,
For I knoweth that soon I shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
my clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and excess weight shall follow me
All the days of my life,
And I shall be fat forever!

-= food humor =-= 114
=--------------------------------------------------------

In Mexico, we have a word for sushi; bait. - Jose' Simon

-= food humor =-= 115
=--------------------------------------------------------

From Late Show with David Letterman; March 16, 1994

Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee

10. When you call radio talkshows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
9. You're passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize,
you're
not in a car.
8. You run around your company board room yelling, "I've got a great
idea! A
Disneyworld in France! We'll call it EuroDisney!"
7. You can't stop saying, "No".
(Earlier in the show, Dave showed a clip of President Clinton
pounding his
fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again)
6. Last time you got good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin.
5. You're shaking like Mexican space shuttle.
4. You jam a fork into the waiter's hand when he tries to switch your
regular
coffee with Folger's Crystals.
3. You go nuts over a little thing like a car alarm.
(A car alarm was going off outside the theater earlier, and Dave
went out to
the Hello Deli next door and got pea soup to pour on the engine)
2. Like our stage manager Biff Henderson, it starts to spray out of
your ears.
(Self-explanatory...)
1. You're up to four heart attacks a day.

-= food humor =-= 116
=--------------------------------------------------------

The following are items found overseas in which people have made
inappropriate
use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in
resturants:

Menu Items:

Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
French Creeps - L.A.
French fried ships - Cairo
Fried fishermen - Japan
Fried friendship - Nepal
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Goose Barnacles - Spain
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Prawn cock and tail - Cairo
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Strawberry crap - Japan
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Toes with butter and jam - Bali

Product Names:

Ass Glue - Chinese glues
Ban Cock - Indian cockroach repellent
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Homo sausage - East Asian fish sausage
Hornyphon - Austrian video recorder
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Last Climax - Japanese tissues
Libido - Chinese soda
My Fanny - Japanese toilet paper
Pipi - Yugoslavian orange drink
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Shitto - Ghanian pepper sauce
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Zit - Greek soft drink

-= food humor =-= 117
=--------------------------------------------------------

On a related note regarding bad use of English in foreign restaurants, I was
once in a fairly nice Bangkok restaurant where, as you flipped through
the menu,
the selections were listed on one page, each annotated with numbers and
briefly
described with broken English, and on the opposite facing page were
color 3x5in.
photographs taped to that page of each selection with matching numbers
above the
photographs, presumably so that foreign visitors could see what each
dish was or
could just point to the picture when ordering. The problem was that
above each
photograph page was the caption:

"Food is smaller than appears in pictures."
^^^^^^^
This did not seem to be unintentional as the caption was placed above six
separate photograph pages in the menu and the restaurant was rather
elegant and
did not seem prone to tongue-in-cheek humor. Luckily, the shrimp curry
that I
ordered came on a plate larger than 4 inches in diameter :*) (and was
quite a
generous portion, in fact).

-= food humor =-= 118
=--------------------------------------------------------

From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th
issue of
National Review:

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,
there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government
regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

-= food humor =-= 119
=--------------------------------------------------------

50 Ways To Confuse The Heck Out Of People In Dining Halls
by Robert Chen

1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils.
Inhale your food.

2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When
people come
in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the
dining hall
needs new ketchup.

3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your
food.

4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest
window. Turn
to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name
of dish]
fly like that before?"

5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.

6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is
introduced,
request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened
escargot, a
simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a
basil cream
sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction.
When he
or she refuses, punch 'em and proceed to make this meal yourself.

7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to
look at
everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not.
Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood
china. Then
dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it
would be
cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.

8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey
Dahmer.
Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then
"involuntarily" drool.

9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your
body and return to the end of the line. Repeat.

10. (For hot meals only.) Complain how cold it is in the dining hall. Then
remark specifically how much you're freezing your ass off. Strip
down and
sit on your food let out a loud sigh.

11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your
meat with them and pretend not to notice.

12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up
to the
liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button.
Complain
that it goes too fast.

13. If you feel gassy, burp (or fart) to the tune of Jingle Bells.

14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food,
yell, "HEY!" and shake your head.

15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the
time
you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning."
Ask the
person next to you to be your Food Tester.

16. Enter the dining hall naked. If you're not immediately removed from the
premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're
enjoying
their meal.

17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of
confusion, shake
your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they
have rights
too?!"

18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into
your
neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.

19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of
rice you
received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done,
go up to
the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and
proceed to make a scene.

20. Same as above, but with burgers.

21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show
contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny.
Here. Try
some."

22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably.
Stop
suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours
while
giving everyone an evil eye.

23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain,
weightlift them.

24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.

25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my God! It's still alive!" Grab
your knife
and start hacking at the meat.

26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall,
stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the
dining hall,
but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.

27. Practice snarfing.

28. Shortly after your meal, complain how the dining hall always serves
the same
food. Then stick your finger down your throat and proceed to vomit
back on
your plate. Start eating (or drinking) again, and say, "It doesn't
taste
quite right the second time."

29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.

30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to
recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating
Romanically.
Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.

31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.

32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will
have
some peanuts."

33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food
alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you
whether you
should put orange juice under "o" or "j."

34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat
avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't
be afraid
to speak while your mouth is full.

35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the
cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always
get too
much milk.

36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"

37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew
more.

38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser.
Then
announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Fruit
Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not REAL Fruit Loop
eaters.
Proceed to crush the green Fruit Loops and sniff them.

39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything
unfinished.

40. "Pass the pepper and salt, please."

41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating.
Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.

42. Try to pick up members of the opposite sex. For Men: "I've got a large,
hard banana. Wanna piece?" For Women: "I've got a moist, wet
fruit cake
(or cherry). Wanna indulge?"

43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death
with your
pet turtle.

44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed
to eat
beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup.
Comment
on how nice everyone's shoes look.

45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested,
complain
how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look
of resolve
and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back
down and
remove the shattered glass from your partner's food.

46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.

47. During the meal, complain how constipated you've been recently.
Then pause
for two minutes, occasionally moaning. Smile. Then ask for some
napkins.
Use them as toilet paper.

48. Same as above, except with pita pockets instead of napkins.

49. If you're have Swedish meatballs, pretend that they taste bad. Then
say,
"These pigs testicles were better in El Salvador."

And, to thoroughly confuse people...

50. Comment on how GOOD the food is!

-= food humor =-= 120
=--------------------------------------------------------

Sure eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life. People know
that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

-= food humor =-= 121
=--------------------------------------------------------

Columnist Emil Guillermo, writing in Filipinas magazine in the fall of 1994,
urging Philippine-Americans to come out of the closet regarding their
appetite
for dog meat: "Whether you have eaten it or not, deep down you know
you'd eat
it. Yet that restrictive idea of 'when in America, do as Americans do'
prevents
us from outright declaring, 'Mmmm, I prefer my German shepherd baked and my
cocker spaniel sauteed.'"

-= food humor =-= 122
=--------------------------------------------------------

In July 1994, Robert Minahan, a chef who specializes in crocodile
cuisine at a
resort in Kakdu National Park in Australia, was attacked by a 6-foot
crocodile
while swimming at Barramundi Gorge. Minahan commented, "It feels
strange to be
on the other end of the food chain."

-= food humor =-= 123
=--------------------------------------------------------

Haggis

Haggis is a kind of black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by
them to
be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart,
liver
and lungs of a sheep, calf, or other animal's inner organs are mixed with
oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag
and...
Excuse me a minute...

-= food humor =-= 124
=--------------------------------------------------------

According to a Thanksgiving press release from the Butterball company, the
highlight of calls to the company's emergency hotline occurred in 1993
when a
woman reported that her pet Chihuahua had jumped into the cavity of the
family's
turkey and was stuck.

-= food humor =-= 125
=--------------------------------------------------------

The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook
by Alastair Sutherland

From Free Agent March 1987 (a Portland Oregon alternative newspaper).
Republished in the Utne Reader Nov./Dec. 1993.

We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French
philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office
sofa.
These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with
food.
Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy had hoped to write "a
cookbook
that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever." The diaries are
excerpted
here for your perusal.

October 3

Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually
eaten,
he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work.
How
excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

October 4

Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep
creating
omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one
seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that
expresses the
meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at
them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with
the lights
off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.

October 6

I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is
bourgeois.
Today I tried making one out of cigarettes, some coffee, and four tiny
stones.
I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is
still long.

October 10

I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional
dishes, in
an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this
recipe:

Tuna Casserole Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish

Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven
and sit
in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do
not turn
on the light. While a void is expressed in the recipe, I am struck by its
inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize
that the
food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am
becoming more
and more frustrated.

October 25

I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook.
Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the
plight of
man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater
with at
least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this
end, I
purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and
locked
myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of
work, I
produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons
of beef,
and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work
ahead.

November 15

Today, I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live
beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very
pleased.
Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert.
Still, I
feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to
enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.

November 30

Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped.
During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the
wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in
less
than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the
tender
limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place.
Moreover, I am
now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.

December 1

I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now
experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate
solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to
impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black
coffee.

-= food humor =-= 126
=--------------------------------------------------------

From the San Jose Mercury News, 1/11/95:

What Your Pizza Says About You

Wonder what the Domino's people do when they're not rushing pizzas all over
creation? They take surveys, or they say they do. The company's mighty
public
relations machine offers these observations:

Men wearing muscle shirts when answering the door order pepperoni three
times
more often than any other topping. People who have pierced noses, lips, or
eyebrows ask for a vegetarian topping 23 percent more often than a meat
topping.
Those who have wind chimes on the porch are four times more likely than the
average to want olives.

A recurring element is the correlation between pizza-eating and TV-watching.
Whatever day and time 'Roseanne' airs is always the biggest half-hour of the
week for meat-topped pizza orders.

Since you asked, the No. 1 pizza-ordering show (figured by comparing orders
during its time slot with weeks when the show doesn't air) is 'Melrose
Place,'
which is also by far the leading show for vegetable-topped pizzas.
Pizza orders
in the 'Melrose Place' time slot have gone up 14 percent since Heather
Locklear
joined the cast.

There's more: As you look back on 1994, trying to make sense of Newt's
rise and
O.J.'s fall, you may want to consider these other statistics from Domino's:

o Since the Republicans won the election, meat-topped pizza orders have
risen 32
percent in the Washington metropolitan area.

o Since Election Day, tipping of Domino's deliverers by Washington women has
fallen off by 10 percent (except during 'Melrose Place,' when it
climbs by 30
percent).

o Since the election, tipping by House Republicans has been down 12 percent;
tipping by House Democrats has been up 3 percent.

o Whenever Newt Gingrich appears on national television, pizza orders to
Democratic offices go up 4 percent and go down 2 percent on the GOP side.

o And last, but not least: The single greatest hour for pizza delivery in
national pizza history was the hour when O.J. Simpson was in the
white Ford
Bronco on the L.A. freeways.

-= food humor =-= 127
=--------------------------------------------------------

From an 1995 Associated Press bulletin: Chinatown food supplier
Michael Chu
turned quite a profit on the several brands of tuna he distributed to
New York-
area markets; he paid $4 a case, and sold 33,000 cases for $24,
according to a
federal indictment. But it isn't the high profit that got him. A
shopper saw a
can with the label torn off, and noted the label under it said "Seventh
Heaven
Tuna Treat Cat Food". If convicted on the nine counts of fraud he's been
charged with, Chu faces 29 years in prison.

-= food humor =-= 127
=--------------------------------------------------------

From a USA Today article: Studies at Chicago's Smell and Taste
Treatment and
Research Foundation prove the way to a man's heart is through his
stomach, via
his nose. No, not perfume. Doughnuts, lavender, licorice, and pumpkin
pie have
all been shown adept at producing sexual arousal in men, according to a
Foundation study. The best result so far: a combination of pumpkin pie and
lavender, which increased penile blood flow in 40% of the men studied.
"This
suggests women have more of an effect on men if they throw away those
expensive
perfumes and put some pumpkin pie in the oven," one researcher suggested.

================================================================================
== WAITER/WAITRESS HUMOR
=======================================================
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 1
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 2
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 3
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 4
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 5
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 6
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 7
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 8
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 9
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 10
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 11
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 12
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 13
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
Don't complain, sir. You may be old and weak yourself some day.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 14
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 15
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not hot.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 16
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 17
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 18
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 19
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 20
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 21
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
That's right, sir - it's a bathbun.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 22
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 23
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 24
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, if this is place then I'm an idiot.
You're right, sir - it *is* the place.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 25
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I think I'd like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 26
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 27
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 28
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 29
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 30
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 31
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 32
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak.
I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 33
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It's in the sausages, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 34
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
Yes sir, that's because we've run out of flies.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 35
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I'm sorry sir, I didn't know that you are vegetarian.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 36
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 37
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a hair my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 38
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it's very popular, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 39
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this bread's got sand in it.
That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 40
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 41
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 42
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 43
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 44
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 45
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 46
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 47
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
Then what does it matter?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 48
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 49
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 50
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 51
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter,
it's margarine - so there!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 52
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 53
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 54
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 55
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 56
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 57
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 58
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy
chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 59
=---------------------------------------------

Customer: I'll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 60
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 61
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what do you call this?
That's been soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 62
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 63
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 64
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 65
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 66
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 67
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 68
=---------------------------------------------

I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant the other day, but the chicken was
terrible. So I called the waiter over and I said, "This chicken is
rubbery."
And the waiter said, "Thank you berry much!"

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 69
=---------------------------------------------

Scene: A table at a Chinese restaurant. A patron has just been seated. The
restaurant is being run by an oriental family. The waiter has a heavy
Oriental
accent.

Man: Hi! You must be the waiter.
Waiter: Yes, sir! How may I serve you?
Man: I'm hungry today! What's today's special?
Waiter: At this establishment, *everything* is special *everyday*!
Man: Ha, ha. Right. (looks at the menu.) Can't make up my mind.
Waiter: Would you like some soup of the day?
Man: What's the soup of the day?
Waiter: Bird drop soup. I go get bowl for you.

The waiter leaves and returns with a steaming bowl of soup.

Waiter: Here you go! Soup of the day!
Man: Great. (Takes a sip.) (Spits) Yuck! This soup tastes spoiled!
Waiter: Ha, ha! Soup of the day ... did not say from *which* day!
Man: Yuck, yuck! You seem to think that was funny! You must be the
waiter!
Waiter: Yes! And, you are the customer. How may I help you?
Man: May I see a menu, please?
Waiter: Sure. Menu on counter. Next to cash register.
Man: Well, aren't you going to get it?
Waiter: Why? You need it, I don't!
Man: But, aren't you the waiter?
Waiter: Yes, and you are the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me the menu!
Waiter: Okay, okay ...

The waiter leaves and returns with a menu.

Waiter: Okay, here menu. Now, what you like to order?
Man: Let's see. I think I'll have the beef chow fun.
Waiter: Ah! Beef chow fun! You want to have some fun! Ha, ha! Get
it? Have
some *fun*?
Man: Man, you have a terrible sense of humor! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes, and you must be the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: May I have my order of fun, please?
Waiter: We don't serve fun here. Not that kind of business.
Man: What?
Waiter: My daughter is *waitress*, not for fun ...
Man: No!! I mean the kind of fun in the kitchen ... in the wok!
Waiter: Ugh! Fun in the wok! You Americans are *very* strange!
Man: No, no! Look, I want that order of beef chow fun!
Waiter: Ah, you want CHOW fun!
Man: That's what I said!
Waiter: So sorry. You are the customer.
Man: You are the waiter.
Waiter: How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me my order.
Waiter: No problem.

The waiter walks toward the order window.

Waiter: One order beef chow fun!
Man: Oh, waiter! No MSG!
Waiter: One order beef chow fun! Hold MSG!
Cook: Two order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! ONE order beef chow fun! No MSG!
Cook: You say TWO order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! I say one order beef chow fun, then I say no MSG!
Cook: No, you say one order beef chow fun, and one order beef chow fun,
no MSG!
That TWO order beef chow fun, one no MSG!
Waiter: Look ... I only want ONE order beef chow fun, okay?
Cook: Any MSG?
Waiter: No!
Cook: (mumbles) Nobody like MSG. Don't know why. Taste good. Maybe
make you
a little nervous, but so does coffee ...

The waiter returns to the table.

Waiter: Cook cook your order now. Anything else?
Man: Let me look at the menu. (Looks at the menu) Hey, waiter!
What's this
on the menu?
Waiter: (Looks at the menu) Look like food.
Man: That's disgusting! Don't you guys clean your menus?
Waiter: Why?
Man: Well ... uh, I don't know. What is it?
Waiter: Look like chow fun.
Man: Really? Hmmm.

The man pulls the fragment of chow fun off the menu and EATS it.

Man: Mmmm! That's pretty good chow fun!
Waiter: That BEEF chow fun! You like?
Man: Yes. It was very tasty. I can't wait for my order now.
Waiter: How you know of chow fun?
Man: What do you mean?
Waiter: Most people order rice, noodles, egg roll, won ton ... but YOU
order
chow fun! You Chinese?
Man: Yes, as a matter of fact.
Waiter: You from China? What part of China you from?
Man: Oakland.
Waiter: Ahh! Oakland not in China!
Man: Try telling that to my parents.
Cook: Order ready! One beef chow fun, no MSG!
Waiter: Here you are! One beef chow fun!
Man: Thanks. Wait. Why is there a spoon? Where's my chopsticks?
Waiter: Chow fun usually side dish. We serve with spoon.
Man: Well, I suppose I can use the spoon. Hey, what's this side dish?
Waiter: (Looks at the little dish) Don't know. Hey, cook!! Come out
here!

The cook returns to the table.

Cook: Yeah?
Man: What's this white powder on this side dish?
Cook: Oh! That MSG.
Man: I said NO MSG.
Cook: I know. That why I put on side dish. In case you change your mind.
Man: I WON'T change my mind! I don't like MSG!
Cook: Look. Little bit of MSG, no hurt. Eat 5 gallon MSG, then maybe
hurt.
Man: Well, I've heard people reacted strangely to it ...
Cook: (Angry) Look! I eat it! Prove to you that MSG a-okay!

The cook takes a heaping spoonful of MSG and swallows it.

Cook: (Smiles.) See? Nothing wrong! Everything okay.

The cook stops smiling. Suddenly, the cook falls to the ground and shakes
uncontrollably.

Man: Uh-oh. Maybe we should get a doctor.
Waiter: No. He just on his break. He be okay in one hour.
Man: You guys are nuts. Just leave me alone.
Cook: (Gasps) I ... need ... water!
Waiter: You customer?
Cook: No.
Waiter: You not customer, I no serve you.
Man: May *I* have some water?
Waiter: You customer?
Man: Yes. Are you a waiter?
Waiter: Yes, how may I serve you?
Man: I want some water.
Waiter: Sorry. I'm on my break.
Man: All right. Who will be serving me?
Waiter: My daughter. The waitress.

The waiter leaves and his daughter, the waitress goes to the table. She is
absolutely gorgeous...

Man: You're the waitress?
Waitress: Yes, you are customer?
Man: Yeah.
Waitress: How may I serve you?
Man: I want some more fun.
Waitress: (slaps the patron) I'm not that kind of girl!
Man: (Sighs) Just get me another order of beef chow fun.
Cook: (From the floor) No MSG!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 70
=---------------------------------------------

A man walks into a Chinese restuarant but is told by the maitre'd
that there
will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the
bar. He
goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, "Once
upon time was *four* little pig..."

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 71
=---------------------------------------------

"Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!".

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 72
=---------------------------------------------

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked
that the
air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it
be turned
down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth
and never
once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't
throw out
the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even
have an air
conditioner."

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 73
=---------------------------------------------

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as
the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The maller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you mumbling about then? The smaller piece is what
you want,
right?"

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 74
=---------------------------------------------

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 75
=---------------------------------------------

A guy arrived to a fine restaurant, he take a seat and the waitress
arrived.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Man: Please, bring me a large plate with cold shit and a glass of water.
Waitress: Sorry?
Man: A LARGE PLATE WITH COLD, VERY COLD, SHIT AND A GLASS OF WATER!!!!
Waitress: Right away, sir!
After five minutes, the waitress arrived with a large plate with
cold shit
and a glass of water...
Waitress: Here is your order sir, anything else?
Man: No, thank you.
The man takes a spoon and starts to eat all the cold shit very fast,
then he
stops and take a drink of water, then he starts to eat the cold and
stinky shit
again. After ten minutes, he suddenly stops, and starts to puke, and the
waitress arrives.
Waitress: Is something wrong sir?
Man: THERE WAS A FLY IN MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 76
=---------------------------------------------

Two guys walk into the restaurant and waitress comes.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Guy 1: Yeahh, I 'll have shit with onions.
Guy 2: I'll have a plain shit.
Guy 1 (to Guy 2): Why you don't take onions?
Guy 2: I hate when I have bad breath afterwards.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 77
=---------------------------------------------

A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat
the soup
and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the
waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the
problem. The
guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying.
The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill
repute. The
waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the
hooker
house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the
room where
the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress
sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.
The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken
noodle
soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is."
The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the
waitress and
says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either."

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 78
=---------------------------------------------

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup
du jour,
the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 79
=---------------------------------------------

A man walks into an Indian restaurant and is shown to a table. He
sits for a
few minutes perusing the menu, then calls the waiter over.
"Waiter, can you explain something to me, please?"
"Certainly, sir, what's the problem?"
"Well, you see this item here... Chicken Tarka? Shouldn't that be
Chicken
Tikka?"
"No, that's right, sir; Chicken Tarka is similar to Chicken Tikka,
but it's a
little 'otter."

(If you don't get this joke, explanation/clarification for non-Indian
restaurant
frequenters:

Chicken - a fowl
Tikka - an Indian dish
Chicken Tikka - an Indian dish made with fowl
Tarka - hero/ine(?) of book "Tarka the Otter"
Otter - like a ferret, only larger. Swims around in rivers a lot eating
fish.
Chicken Tarka - if you don't get it yet don't bother getting up tomorrow.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 80
=---------------------------------------------

From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995

Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for
dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the
chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.

[marika]

Post by Just Wondering
ACHE (Atlanta Center for Humorous Expression)

and you just left atlanta, having finally been to a yarn shoppe



http://www.chashow.org/

mk5000


"clang clang clang, it was counting down the minutes for me, such a
short amount of time to get everything done..."--james mcteigue

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

OK.


THE EVOLUTION OF MOM

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long
as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice
pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favourites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt
Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you
remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, colour-
co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's
little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes
are clean and discard only the ones with the
darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper,
a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind t
he mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket
and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember
to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call
only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the
baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure
your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.

Proverbs To Live By
1. "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an
expression that isn't.
2. But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could
coast to the nearest gas station.
3. I don't think they could put him on a mental hospital. On the
other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would let
him out.
4. Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't
always hear "on the other hand..."
5. The student in question is performing minimally for his peer
group and is an emerging underachiever!
6. $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years
will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will
be worth nothing.
7. 'Tis better that a man's own works, than another man's words
should praise him.
8. 'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, and robes the
mountain in its azure hue.
9. 'Tis not the fairest form that holds the mildest, purest soul
within; "Tis not the richest plant that holds the sweetest
fragrance in.
10. 'Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall.


Subject: Landmine procedure
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the
peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain
asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step
on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

SOME HELPFUL HINTS:

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot
be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook
it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed
with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both
fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail
room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English
language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have
to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

Job Ad Phrases Defined

Advancement opportunity: Crap job.

Entry level: Really crap job.

No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs.

Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity Crap job with a company that will file
bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company: Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player: Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with
rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit
nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal
tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations: Receptionist

Professional appearance important: $20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr
wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000

Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

B.A. required, master's preferred: Must be an M.A. willing to work on a
B.A.'s salary

Civil service: This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Women & minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the
stamp.

Outstanding benefits package: Health insurance.

Tons of variety! We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would
do & rolled them into one job.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new ticky-tacky
windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Secretary: Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management &
wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary: The most powerful position in the company

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now
until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and
not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere: Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere: Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere: Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday: Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really
knows what this means.



Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading
the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful
actress that was about to marry a football player who was known
primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll
never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"


How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
Tell her to alphabetise the M&M's.
What's her first question?
Does 3 come before E or after W?


A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He
talked and talked and talked with the
drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just
can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two
sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't
handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a
conductor."


Subject: TOP TEN AMISH SPRING BREAK ACTIVITIES
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
09. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
08. Churn butter naked.
07. Blow past Dairy Queen on a really outrageous Clydesdale.
06. Get a tattoo: "Born To Raise Barns"
05. Cruise the streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with
zippers.
04. Sleep in 'til 6:00 a.m.
03. Drive over to Allentown and kick some Mennonite butt.
02. Two words: Buttermilk kegger
01. Wet bonnet contest.


HANDY HINTS
Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2000 15:16:28 GMT
From: "G.P." <***@GP.Net>
Organization: TDS.NET Internet Services www.tds.net
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes
with
thin strips of bacon.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime
by just turning on the tap.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed
and on time.

FELLAS, Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're bad
at
it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and
fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating
into it, before jumping in.

GREENGROCERS, Why throw away old, shriveled, unsold fruit and veg? Simply
label
it "Organic Produce" and charge twice the usual price.

Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive bill on
our
credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement arrives, thus
avoiding repayment.

BUS DRIVERS. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in life by
stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the opposite
direction
in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is particularly effective in
rush hour traffic!

IF you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even if you
haven't got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike riders
recognise
you, while making everybody else unsure about your sexuality. Wear a neck
scarf
and cap and start losing your hair to enhance the effect.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking
you
have won the Lottery.

INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the
head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour
of
your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under
any
circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross
out
the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves
the
expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping
lists.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has
cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal
down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and
then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding
an
old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving
across
the road and mounting the kerb.

WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can
find
your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox
with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the
door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
around
wearing a miner's hat.

RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't like
the
new colour, simply peel it off and start again.

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by
standing
outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote
control.

AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and
locking them safely in the boot until you return.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by
simply
peeling it off.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe'
whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

TAXI drivers, why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators
lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell you're going.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their
change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.


BLONDE'S REVENGE

Q: Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A: It doesn't show the dirt!

Q: Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
A: Fisher-Price!

Q: Why didn't indians scalp brunettes?
A: The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable!

Q: Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
A: It makes it easier for them to read their t-shirts!

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their mustache!

Q: Why is the color brunette considered evil?
A: When's the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q: How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
A: Check her for a pulse!

Q: Why do brunettes always wear training bras?
A: It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day!

Q: Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls?
A: Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious!

Q: How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair?
A: With a rake!

Q: What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear during Halloween?
A: They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops!

Q: Why don't brunettes get breast implants?
A: They've already spent their money on thigh and butt implants!

Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: So ugly men wouldn't feel left out!

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation!

Q: Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
A: From their underarms!

Q: Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
A: Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch!

Q: How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A: Startled!

Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage!

Q: How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?
A: By studying what oil spills did to seaweed!

Q: What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?
A: At least the trash gets taken out once a week!



War taglines
Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 00:08:54 -0000
From: "Cerberus" <***@Hades.Gate>
Organization: Guarding The Gates To Hades
Newsgroups:
alt.humor,alt.jokes,alt.tasteless.humor,alt.tasteless.jokes,aus.jokes,eunet.jokes,rec.humor

War Taglines

A good shotgun prepares you for the game of war.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day
A war worth waging is one against the poverty of ideas
After World War III, only roaches and lawyers will survive.
All missile, no warhead.
All of life is a war.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 'Murphy
Arch Duke Ferdinand found alive! First World War a mistake!
Armed Citizenry: Ultimate Bulwark against Tyranny!
Army food: The spoils of war.
Ban the bomb! Save the world for conventional warfare.
Bartucis: Movie about a spikey-haired Roman Warrior.
Beer math: 2 beers * 37 men = 49 cases. 'Murphy
Body-count math: 3 bodies + 1 maybe + 2 pigs = 37 enemy KIA. 'Murphy
Buy Israeli War Bagels
Civil War is an oxymoron
Coming Soon to a Theatre of War Near You: Desert Storm II!
Cry *squeak* and let loose the ferrets of war!
Cry Havoc! And let slip the taglines of war... W. Tagspeare
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! --Shakespeare.
Diplomacy: the delicate weapon of the civilised warrior.
Do the words 'act of war' mean anything to you?
Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire. 'Murphy
Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.
Dreams of war, dreams of liars, dreams of dragon's fire.
Even a war unicorn can't stand up to demonic halitosis. - Aahz
Fat Wars: May the Sauce Be With You.
Friendly fire - isn't. 'Murphy
I was a war baby. My parents took a look at me and started fighting.
I'm starting a War for Peace!
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid. 'Murphy
If the enemy can't get in, you can't get out. 'Murphy
If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU! 'Murphy
In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay.
In love there are two evils: war and peace. - Horace, 65-8BC
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage.
In the next Nuclear war, will we know all the bomb's names?
In time of war the laws are silent. - Cicero
Incoming fire has the right of way. 'Murphy
It's a sad fact that we can secure peace by preparing for war
Make Love, Not War. Get Married & Do BOTH!
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. 'Murphy
Remember the cold war? How pre-millennial!
Remember when a Trojan was a warrior?
Stop trying to bring the war in under budget. - BJ to Maj. Burns
Suppressive fires - won't. 'Murphy
The best thing about war is the end of it
The diversion you are ignoring is the main attack. 'Murphy
The easy way is always mined. 'Murphy
The important things are always simple. 'Murphy
The side with the simplest uniforms wins. 'Maj Mark Cancian
The tragedy of war is using man's best to do man's worst
There's a war on and we've no time for violence. - Frank Burns
Tracer rounds work BOTH ways. 'Murphy
Try to look unimportant, the bad guys may be low on ammo. 'Murphy
WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace.
WAR: Fight 'em, whip 'em -- feed 'em and finance 'em.
When in doubt; empty the magazine. 'Murphy
When you have secured an area, ensure you tell the enemy.


Little James was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was
up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, James?"
"My goldfish died," replied James tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
James patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your cat."


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The
seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning
son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?"
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"


On the Valentine's Day before the birth of our first child, I brought
a flowering plant home to my pregnant wife. "They're mums," I told her,
pleased with my pun.
Since it was already a week past her due date, my wife quipped, "You
should have gotten impatiens."


FAMILY TREES
I climbed my family tree and found it was not worth the climb;
And so, I scampered down, convinced it was a waste of time.
Some branches of my tree, I found, were rotten to the core.
And, all the tree was full of sap and hung with nuts galore!
I used to brag of my kinfolk, before I made the climb,
but truth compels me not to tell of those not worth a dime.
And I beg friends who boast aloud of their ancestors great,
To climb their family tree and learn of those who weren't so straight.
I've learned what family trees are like, I've seen them growing 'round.
They're like a 'tater' vine because, the best are underground!


Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a
young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat,
the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his
father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't right know son."
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish
breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't right know son."
Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all
of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never
learn nothin'."


A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'e'
and 's'."


Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!


I suppose pregnant women do get tired of each person they talk to only
discussing either babies or pregnancy with them. I was at a party one
time and overheard a lady ask an obviously near full term mother-to-be
how she was feeling these days.
The expectant mother frowned and said, "Not too good. I've missed eight
periods, and I'm beginning to wonder about it."


A guy goes to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back. "What are
you?" asks the host. "I'm a snail" says the guy. "But you've got a girl
on your back" says the host. "Yeah," says the guy, "That's Michelle!"


Manager : Sorry, but i can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant : That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in
this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both were quite tiny
and frail and could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just
went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ,"I
must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light
was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in
the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and
they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!
You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"


Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favourite sporting goods
store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with
Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar
walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look
around the store today before he needed her help. She obliged and let
him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him
yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new
Mercedes!"
Oscar panicked, "Did you try to stop him?"
She said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!""The
Old Grandfather's Table"

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and
four-year-old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was
blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating
difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped
the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law
became irritated with the mess.

"We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. "I've had
enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor." So the
husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There Grandfather ate
alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather
had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When
the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear
in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for
him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper,
the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. he
asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy
responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for Papa and Mama to eat
their food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to
work.

The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears
started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both
knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand
and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his
days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither
husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk
spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears
ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If
they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family
members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day the building blocks are being
laid for the child's future. Let's be wise builders.

Captain of aircraft approaching a traffic control point: "This is
flight 247. Please could you tell us the time. Over.
Air Traffic Controller: Sure, 247, but please could you identify
which airline are you. Over.
Captain: What does it matter, we only want to know the time. Over.
Controller: Sorry, 247, it's procedure. What airline are you? Over.
Captain: We only want the time, dammit. Who cares what airline we
are. Over.
Controller: Okay, 247. If you are British Airways, its twenty past
two. If you are TWA, it's two twenty pee em. Iff you are Lufthansa, ze
time iss 14 hundert und tventy hours. And if you are Zambian Airways,
then the big hand is on the four, and the little one is just past the two.


A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her
a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously
waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The
grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as
she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green
plastic army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the
bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... 'The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "


A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a
broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But
I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm
sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom
-- I'll show you how.


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking fine.” That was
sure nice.


How do you confuse a moron?
Give him 12 shovels and tell him to take his pick.


Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, walk into a pet shop and rush over
to the bird section. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
The blonde says, "Yeah, I want two of those little birds there.” They
buy the birds, drive up in the hills and stop at the top of a 500 foot
cliff. “This look like a good place to try,” says the blonde. She
takes hold of two of the little birds and jumps off the cliff. The
brunette watches as her friend drops straight down until she goes SPLAT!
at the bottom. The brunette looks over the edge of the cliff, shakes
her head and says, "The heck with this, budgie jumping is way too
dangerous for me"

A minute later, another friend (also blonde) arrives. She too has been
to the pet shop, and is carrying two slightly larger birds and a gun.
“Watch this," the second blonde says as she launches herself over the
edge of the cliff. The brunette watches as half way down, the second
blonde takes the gun and blows the birds’ heads off, then continues to
plummet until there is another SPLAT! as she joins the second blonde at
the bottom. The brunette shakes her head and says, "That’s way too
dangerous too. No way am I going to try parrotshoot jumping!”

A few minutes later yet another (blonde again) friend strolls up, this
one carrying a chicken. She launches herself off the cliff with the
usual result. Once more the brunette shakes her head. “This hen
gliding is for the birds. I’m going home.” And she did.


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking fine.' That was
so nice.


Subject: Airline Time

Back in the dark days around 1972, there was an airline called Pan American
World Airways (senior citizens amongst you may remember).

One of their Boeings was approaching Johannesburg. Over the public address:

"Ladies and gentleman, captain speaking. We are about to land at Jan Smuts,
International Airport of Johannesburg, South Africa. The weather outside is
fine, the temperature is sevty-four degrees Fahrenheit, and for local time,
please turn your watches back twenty-five years.

Another one I enjoyed, from the days when Kenneth Kaunda was "running"
Zambia (into the ground, actually, and every newly independent nation was
establishing an airline before it could establish a proper stop street.

Captain of aircraft approaching a traffic control point: "This is flight
247. Please could you tell us the time. Over.

Air Traffic Controller: Sure, 247, but please could you identify which
airline are you. Over.

Captain: What does it matter, we only want to know the time. Over.

Controller: Sorry, 247, it's procedure. What airline are you? Over.

Captain: We only want the time, dammit. Who cares what airline we are.
Over.

Controller: Okay, 247. If you are British Airways, its twenty past two.
If you are TWA, it's two twenty pee em. Iff you are Lufthansa, ze time iss
14 hundert und tventy hours. And if you are Zambian Airways, then the big
hand is on the four, and the little one is just past the two.


Subject: What Would You Like On Your Tombstone?

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in
the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in
Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer
tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.


Subject: Marketing Buzz Words Translated

* NEW - Different color from previous design

* ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous
design

* EXCLUSIVE - Imported product

* UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition

* DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone

* FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments

* ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it

* IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming

* FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment

* HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit

* DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor

* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works

* REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors

* BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it

* FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does

* DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others

* MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix

* RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope..

* HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on

* PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period

* MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours

* ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell!

* BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise

* HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it

* SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound

* NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, mabey this one will work

* MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction

* CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most
airports

* UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS
way

* BUILT TO
PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together

* SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check

* MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain

* AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing



Subject: English is Tough Stuff

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!




A colleague had left work, started driving off, and remembered he'd left
his jacket in the office. He stopped the car, locked the door, and ran
back to the office to get the jacket.

When he returned to his car, he realised that he's locked the keys
inside the car, and lights were on and the engine was ticking over. He
ran back to the office for help.

His car was a Mk I Ford Fiesta, which could be opened in seconds with a
piece of packing tape (I knew, because I had the same model).

As it happened, we'd had a delivery that day, and there was packing tape
all over. I picked up a length, and went with him to the car. I had
the door open in seconds. My colleague, who wasn't the quickest brain
on the planet, was mightily impressed.

"Do you mind if I keep that?" he asked.
"Sure," I said, "it's only a bit of rubbish."
"Great," he replied. "I'll keep it in the glove compartment in case I
do that again!"


VANITY PLATE SUMMARY

10SNE1 ;tennis, anyone?
14U2C ;One for you to see ("Sky-Hi" Toyota 4wd)
1GOTO1 ;Silicon Valley License plate
2DBCH ;To the Beach!
2ED4ED ;Certainly Ed owns the car
2GOOD4U ;on a cheap oldsmobile
2HSPRN ;2 required at bed time?
2QIK4U ;RX-7
3NON ;Read this upside-down
4GETIT ;on a black TA driven by a married lady!!!
4SURE ;fer shure
55N-UP ;55mph and up
6 KIDS ;on a Chevy Suburban in UTAH
9FOFO ;9 four four, on a Porsche 944
A 4X4X8 ;on a Honda
A-SLAAB ;on a Saab
ALICE ;on a white Rabbit
ASLAAB ;on a Saab
AU YLOKS ;(Goldilocks)
BAA BAA ;Baa Baa 'on a ' Black Jeep
BCNU2 ;Be seeing you too
BEACHN ;Beaching!
BESIDES ;Sideline beekeeper
BEYOND ;On a 'blue' plymouth 'HORIZON', Beyond the horizon
BIG BUX ;on a Ferrari 308
BIRDIE ;Driven by good looking lady from New Zealand
BKEEPR ;Bee keeper
BY YALL ;on a Porsche 911
BYE-BYE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
BYMYHNY ;Buy my honey, a beekeeper
CAR BUF ;on a car owned by Bill Buff
CLICHE ;on a BMW!
CME4DK ;See me for decay, on a dentist's car.
CRAY Z ;Crazy
CULATR ;See you Later,
DAD IOU ;on a Trans Am
DNTSMKE ;Don't smoke
DUTY ;for a Honda 'Civic Duty'
DUTY ;for an Audi, 'Audi Duty'
DV-DT ;on a Honda Civic Si
E FUDD ;A bugs bunny fan
FIT2SKI ;Fit to ski
FLEWBYU ;flew by you (this was on a Corvette)
FORDBBQ ;on a ford pinto
FRAUD ;on a Porsche 911 "Carerra"
FUNHOG ;seen in Montana
GO4IT ;Go for it!
GONSNO ;on an 85 Jeep CJ-7
GR8LAKE ;Great Lake(s)
GR8SPCL ;Great Specials
GSNDHT ;Gesundheit, on an Isuzu
GUT-SEE ;on a Porsche 911 Turbo
HIHO AG ;hi ho silver!
HITECH ;High Technology
I SK8 ;I skate/ice skate
I12BNZC ;I want to be in the Sea, a diver
I8NY ;stolen from a Gary larson Cartoon
IAML8 ;I am late on a white rabbit
IAMYY4U ;I am too wise for you
IB2BAD ;I Be too bad
IBCNU ;I'll be seeing ya!
ICU812 ;I see you ate one too!
IMA10 ;I'm a 10!
IMATEN ;I'm a 10!
IMB4U ;I'm before you!
IMEZRU ;I'm a zuru
INYORI ;In Your Eye...
IOAA ;(I owe AA)
IONO1 ;I owe no one
IX XIV ;on a Porsche 914
IXIVIV ;on a Porsche 944
KPOOM ;on a small car
LEMON ;on a late model Mustang convertible
LUV DAD ;on a convertible 86 Z-28
MAGIC ;on a Corvette
MINE ;on a Lincoln Town car
MY CAR ;at least now we know who owns that car...
MY DEBT ;on a New York car
MYREVNG ;My Revenge (Divorcee)
MYZRATI ;Seen on a Mazerati in San Jose
NICE EH ;on a REALLY beat up car
NOBODY ;on a Rolls Royce
NOBRKS ;no brakes!
NONE ;Funny when this one is on paper (registration,tickets,etc)
NOPLATE ;Funny when on paper
NOT FAT ;on a RX7 (woman owned)
NOT HOT ;on a Porsche 924
NRVOUS ;on a red porsche 911 (he was driving cautiously)
NTOTO2 ;And toto too
OBJET ;on a Dodge Dart
OHGOOD ;You say this when you are buried in traffic
OK DIE ;on a NH 'Live free or Die' automobile.
OMEGA1 ;on a Jaguar Xj6
PAWSH ;on a Porsche
POORSCH ;on an RX-7 Turbo
RACN ;Racing
RARE ;on a 55 Chevy
REBOS ;(sober, backwards)
REDDVL ;on a 911 turbo
RU4REAL ;Are you for real?
RUAG8D8 ;Are you a great date?
RUBZ ;Are you busy?
RUBZ2NT ;Are you busy tonite?
RUMRS2 ;Are you Mrs 2? (on a Toyota Mr2)
RUNVUS ;Are you envious?
STOP ;Get the message?
STORK1 ;on an Obstetrician's Mercedes
SWTPEA ;on a green Porsche 911
THANXDAD ;well, what can I say?
TIN CAN ;on a Toyota
TOFLY ;on a late model Olds 442
TWEETY ;on a yello 57 Thunderbird
U LOSE ;on a Mustang GT
UCLAFOX ;on a Woman's 280ZX
UNIXINU ;Unix, forwards and backwards
UNV ME ;You envy me
UR2LOW ;on a Jacked up 69 Camaro 4WD + Lift kit
UWANT12 ;You want one too?
VAN GO ;for a vanpool
VANITY ;plain and simple
W8LFTR ;Weightlifter
WAS HIS ;After a divorce, on a jaguar
WHOCARZ ;Who Cares?
WHOOSH ;on a porsche
WHORU ;Who are you?
XXXXXX ;on a Mercedes
XYZZY ;Seen on an Ohio car, a magic word in Adventure
YOT YM ;My toy, backwards
ZPDUDA ;Zippity doo dah....


People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two
types: Men and Women.

- Anonymous

When your ship comes in, it's always docked by the Government.

-Anonymous

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is, I
could be just as proud for half the money.

- Arthur Godfrey

The taxman was surprised to receive a letter which read, "Dear Sir, Last
year I cheated on my tax and I can't sleep for thinking about it. I am
therefore enclosing a cheque for 2, 000 pounds. If I find that I still
can't sleep, I'll send you the balance."

-Anonymous

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender.

A real executive goes around with a worried look on his assistants.

Football isn't a contact sport. It's a collision sport. Dancing is a
contact sport.

- The above are from Vince Lombardi

Just before takeoff on a commercial flight, a stewardess asked Muhammad Ali
to make sure his seat belt was fastened.

"Superman don't need no seat belt," he protested.

She answered: "Superman don't need no airplane either."

He fastened it.

You might as well laugh at yourself once in a while -- everyone else does.

There's nothing so hollow as the laugh of the man who intended to tell the
story himself.

He who laughs last ..... Doesn't get the Joke.

In a 1985 Procter & Gamble poll, 93% of the people questioned recognized
Mr. Clean, but only 56% of the same group could identify Vice - President
George Bush.

More American kids age 3 - 5 recognize Ronald McDonald than Santa Claus or
any other entity, real or mythical.

While a calculator now is equipped with 18, 000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30
tons, computers in the future may have only 1, 000 vacuum tubes and only
weigh 1 1/2 tons.

- Popular Mechanics 1949

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.

- Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

Gone With the Wind is going to be the biggest flop in the history of
Hollywood. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling flat on his
face and not Gary Cooper.

-Gary Cooper, 1938

You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married.

-Emmeline Snively (modeling agent) to Marilyn Monroe 1944

A much married wife rushed up to her much married husband, "Come quickly,"
she cried, "your kids and my kids are beating up our kids."

Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this
morning. It said, "What's the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty -
fifth wedding anniversary ?" And you know what the answer is ? "Morning
sickness !"

Where ther's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

- Ben Franklin

The proper time to influence the character of a child is about one hundred
years before his / she is born.

- Dean Inge

Most men cheat in America. The rest cheat overseas !

- Milton Berle

Children never put off till tomorrow what will keep them from going to bed
tonight.

The hardest thing in the world to raise is a child -- especially in the
mornings.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

- Red Skelton

Before I was married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I
have six children -- and no theories.

- Earl of Rochester

I must have been an insufferable child; all children are.

- George Benard Shaw

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife
to marry me.

- Winstion Churchill

The most important thing a farther can do for his children is to love their
mother.

- Reverend Theodore Hesburgh

The suspicious parent makes the artful child.

- Thomas G. Halliburton

The best years of a man's life are when the kids are old enough to shovel
the snow but too young to drive the car.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly
stand to have the old man around. But when I got to twenty - one, I was
astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.

- Mark Twain

If you have never been hated by your children, you have never been a
parent.

- Bette Davis

.... A family ... is a little kingdom, torn with factions and exposed to
revolutions.

- Samuel Johnson, 1759

There are painters who transform the sun into a yellow spot, but there are
others who, thanks to their art and intelligence, transform a yellow spot
into the sun.

- Picasso

If I Like it, I say it's mine. If I don't, I say it's a fake.

- Picasso

His imagination resembled the wings of an ostrich. It enabled him to run,
though not to soar.

- Thomas Babington Macaulay

His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.

- Heywood Broun

Getting ready is the secret of success.

- Henry Ford

The haves and the have - nots can often be traced back to the dids and the
did - nots.

- D.O. Flynn

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but not one thinks of changing
himself.

- Tolstoy

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the
intelligent are full of doubt.

- Bertrand Russell

If a picture is worth a thousand words, please paint me the Gettysburg
Address.

- Mr. Leo Rosten

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that
one's work is terribly important.

- Bertrand Russell

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

- Milton Berle

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more
employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of
work I do won't be noticed!"

- Milton Berle

If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the ground with
sticks and transporting goods on our backs.

- William Feather

When I was a young man I observed that nine out of ten things I did were
failures. I didn't want to be a failure, so I did ten times the work.

- George Bernard Shaw

God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into the nest.

- J.G. Holland )

I like only two kinds of men: domestic and imported

- Mae West

She may be good for nothing, but she's not bad for nothing.

- Mae West

To err is human, but it feels divine.

- Mae West

You're never too old to get younger.

- Mae West


-----------------------------

Two blondes are walking one day when they see a purse lying on the
ground. They both wondered who it could belong to.
One of the blondes pulls a makeup compact out of the purse, opens it and
exclaims,"Hey, I know this lady!".
The other blonde says, "Here let me see that". She opens the compact
and replies, "Duh, it's me!"



Subject: Horror Movie Survival

If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the
house.

When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO
NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is
in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it,
shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and
then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some
more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except
demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!

If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and
spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.

Don't look under the bed.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many
as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask
"What did you come back to do?"

If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be
prudent, leave the area.

If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not
found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If
you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do
not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their
own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long
run. (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate
them, so be prepared.)

When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone.
The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the
better "your" chance of escape.

Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the
area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before
someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in
your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any
circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt,
mausoleum, etc.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those
that appear that they would break easily.

If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify,
don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that
it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.

If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't
go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If
you are in a boat, head for shore.

If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.

Do not accept/take anything from the dead.

If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass
murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still
alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn
good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by
itself, stop playing and leave.

If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.

Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if
he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you
know what you are doing.

Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.

If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a
dead planet, don't stop to check it out.

Never put your back to or lean on a door.

Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

Never speak to clowns in sewers.

Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are
really supernatural beings.

If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip
and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look
back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being
killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the
maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the
way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of
you.

If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing,
biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked
resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous
goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them
as possible.

Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you.
Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average,
they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help
you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.

Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in
stock.

Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple
guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives,
flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles,
gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space
modulators.
If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark,
african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."

If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous
kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it,
don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with
thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out,
it will kill you and every living thing on earth.

If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house
immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is
no exit, make one.



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you."



My Kids Have Taught Me.....

1. It's more fun to colour outside the lines.

2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask "why" until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten
anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better
off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it
a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished
studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still
picking your nose.

14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

15. Making your bed is a waste of time.

16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had
to.

18. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake
on the way down.

19. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the
game.

20. If at first you don't succeed... Cry your eyes out



During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it
if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for
the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me
a much better offer."


A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having
difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll
throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."

******

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a
large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3
flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I
think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're
waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

******

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice
"13...........13...........13.............13" the man looked over to the
hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets
poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned
'14.............14.........14.......14.'



A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour,
when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked
back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She
shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there
were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She
screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes
later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without
batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought
I would make it."


A really huge, mean looking guy goes up to a department store
counter and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-
partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him. The man
repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-
partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

Finally, the guy gets angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the
clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want
to get b-b-b-beat up?!"


A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out
walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the
visitor tried starting a conversation:

"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

******

After years of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball
went to the circus owner and told him he was going to retire.
'But you can't!' shouted the cigar-chomping boss. 'Where am I
going to find a man of your caliber?'

As it turned out, the human cannonball who replaced him was
hired and fired the same night.

******

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

******

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.

******

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.

******

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.




When I Grow Up

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when
they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the
room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The
president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver."

Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was
sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy,
what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Possible" Tommy
replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "Mom is always telling me I'm impossible.
So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."



Shorts

A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in
the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

******

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was
1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the
apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the
entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a
fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

******

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor
thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a
beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

******

An honest seven-year-old told her parents that Billy Brown had
kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped
me catch him."

******

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head. "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" she asks.
Her mother replies, "Well, every time you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little
girl thinks about this awhile, then asks, "So how come ALL of
Grandma's hairs are white?"

******

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher
about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One
day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no
comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the
impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and
said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you
were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I
think Mommy ate it!"


New Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go
bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to
get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice,
sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly
decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site.
Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If
you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as
soon as I hear the shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't
bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is
startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand,
he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he
hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley
of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to
see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously
distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just
let me get my saddle off it!"




Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising
altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt
sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects
the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which one you love
more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and
in the event of an emergency water landing, please
take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this
flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day. During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."




Subject: Redneck Computer terms"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard
stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuffed in your beer bottle in order to get
a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in "Hel Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or
girlfriend.

"bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across
the porch longways."

"digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

"Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires
and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

[marika]

Post by Just Wondering
OK.
THE EVOLUTION OF MOM

All of my good intentions seem to dissolve with the challenges of every
new day. I am living in one pretty small room, (just temporarily), and
with a precious, but precocious and active others have children, I
don't seem to get things accomplished as I would like. I started a
Christmas letter which should've become a New Year's greeting, but
thenover 4 days I spent a long weekend in Florida and today I hope to
finish up an assignment for an online course that I am taking, as well
as begin organizing my "medical" file for purposes of fighting with
the insurance company and other crazy businesses.

Post by Just Wondering
Yes, parenthood changes everything.

I seem to be increasingly challenged in those ADL's that require any
handwritten correspondence at all. . .especially the part that involves
locating a stamp, addressing an envelope, licking the seal and
depositing into a mailbox.

Post by Just Wondering
But parenthood also changes with
each baby

.So please consider this a genuinely sincere, though borderline
pathetic, attempt at extending wishes to you.

mk5000

"they put their own stamp on it but it keeps the key scenes, it keeps
teh sprit and keeps the integrity. alot of pepple were concerned that
it might be turned into a simple vengeance story of some crazed
vigilante against bad guys. but it's much deeper than that"--alan
moore

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

It should about be someone else's turn.

Taglines

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"Build a watch in 179 easy steps" by C. Forsberg.
"C++" should have been called "D"
"COINCIDENCE" happens.
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
"I'm looking for Mr. Dover, first name Ben.."
"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
"Is" is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
"Keyboard? How quaint!" - Scotty
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
"To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with velcro.
#include SWEEPING_GENERALITY.h
$$$ not found -- (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(C)1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
(c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
And if one bad cluster should accidentally fail...
.ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can
1 + 1 = ? Ask my calculator.
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.
1200 bps used to seem so fast
186,000/mps. It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
2 + 2 = 4 (for the time being).
2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficiently large values of 2)
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
3 dreaded words when making love: Is that it?
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr...
5 schizophrenics agree!
668 - Neighbor of the Beast
69 is fine...but 77'll get me 8 more...
9 out of 10 dentists recommend oral sex....
A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.
A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.
A Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A camel is a horse planned by committee.
A can of worms full of Pandora's boxes.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
A closed mind gathers no intelligence
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A drawing pin is an excited Smartie
A few cans short of a six pack, Six short.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A fool and his money are soon partying!
A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A friend in need is a pain in the neck.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
A harp is a nude piano.
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah.
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A man, a plan, a canal. Suez!
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot..
A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
A penny saved is ridiculous!
A perversion of nature....how exciting!
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A stage? No, this is not a stage.
A waste is a terrible thing to mind.
Abandon all hope ye who have entered cyberspace.
Alex Haley was adopted!
All E-mail gladly received. Offensive reply ASAP.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
All generalizations are bad.
All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.
All hope abandon, ye who press ENTER here
All in all just another brick in the wall.
All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
All stressed out, and no one to choke...
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the easy problems have been solved.
All things are green unless they are not.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.
Alone: In bad company.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
Amateur Time Lord
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Anarchy means ignoring things that really piss you off!
And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r ...and there *WAS* light!
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
And how can this be? For he IS the Kumquat Haagen
And it's only ones and zeros.
And now for something completely else...
And now for something completely the same...
And now for something ruder...
And the days dwindle down to a precious few...
And then it goes... BOOOOOMMMM!!!
And there he was, reigning supreme at number two.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
And, the driver compresses EVERYTHING, not just EXE & COM
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.
Another case of Cherry Coke down the programming hatch!
Another fine product from Bastards Inc.
Answers: $1 * Correct answers: $5 * Dumb looks: Free! *
Antidisestablishmentarianism!
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs ther\C
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
Atheist = Deity Disadvantaged.
Bald: follicularly challenged.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
Bliss *IS* ignorance
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bonking with Barbie..
Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Born Again Virgin.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Brain dysfunction detected....
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Breast size multiplied by IQ always equals 69
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Britannia waives the rules.
Bug off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Bugger me with a fish fork..
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
Bugs, like coathangers, breed if unobserved.
Building Contractors, not to be confused with homemakers
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Bumper sticker on a hearse: I'd rather be breathing
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise
Bus error (Passengers dumped)
Bush wears a hat so he knows which end to wipe!
But my little voice TOLD me to do it!
But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks?
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Buy Land Now. It's Not Being Made Any More.
C programmer run C programmer crash C programmer quit
CCITT: Can't Certify I Trust Telecom.
CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
CD-WOM, Wead Onwy Memowy.
CEO of Dementia and Other Meaningless Entities.
CHIP: One California hi-way patrolman.
CODING: AN addictive Drug.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
CRASH: Normal termination.
CRIME CONTROL: Fire a warning shot into his HEART!
CYCLIC REDUNDANCY CHECK: Stocktaking at a Bike shop
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected
Call The Bates Motel BBS: 1-800-BIG-NIFE
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Can you say "Pervert", I thought you could.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5.
Card-carrying member of the cultural elite.
Castration takes balls.
Catholic girls, they never confess.
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
Caution: Contents under pressure
Caution: Hungry Dieter May bite if provoked
Caveat emptor, no deposit no return, do not remove.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Chernobyl used MACs
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Choosy perverts choose GIF.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Christians do it with grace
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
Civilization - biggest syntax error in history!
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
Clean mind, clean body: take your pick.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Clinton is one Bill, George Bush can't veto...
Clones are people two.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Aspirin.
Cocaine isn't what it is cracked up to be.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come back ya pansie! I'll bite yer legs off!
Coming Soon!! Mouse Support for Edlin!!
Coming soon: Netware for the Nintendo!
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
Common sense isn't...
Communism is like a mouth on a lollipop
Competence always contains the seeds of incompetence.
Computational Physicist and all around nice guy.
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
Computers Rule 01001111 01001011
Computers are useless; they can only give answers.
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
Condense soup, not books!
Condom - external storage
Condominiums are not effective birth control.
Conformity obstructs progress.
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
Confucius say: Man who meows ate pussy!
Confucius say: Man with no legs bums around.
Confucius say too much.
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
Confuse People: Quote from the wrong message!
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Consolations, Consultations, Conflagrations.
Conspiracy: the opiate of the asses
Converse with any plankton lately?
Copyright the Intergalactic Thought Association
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
Cover your stump before you hump.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crime wouldn't pay if the Government ran it.
Cunnilingus is a real tongue twister!
DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
DANGER! Computer store ahead, hide wallet!
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.
DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law.
DEVICE=EXXON.SYS may mess up your environment
DILATE: To live longer.
DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young.
DIVORCE =system("echo y| erase \wife\*.*" );
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR MIND - the fault is with reality
DO {nothing} WHILE (HearFromMe==0)
DOS 5.0 Yesterday's operating system, today!
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again
DOS-O-MANIA : Root is not the book Alex Haley wrote.
DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?
Dain Bramaged.
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
Database administrators do it with their relations
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Dawson's First Law: You don't have enough outlets.
Deaf, dumb, and blonde.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do.
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Delivered by Electronic Sled-Dogs.....Woof!
Democracy's GREAT! Even George Bush can chunder!
Democrats Call for Amnesty, Reduced Sentences Likely.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Dictator - a potato with a penis.
Did I just step on someone's toes again?
Did Tarzan love Cheetah or Jane? - Pictures at 11.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Dirty tags and they're done dirt cheap.
Disclaimer: All opinions are not really opinions.
Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.
Disks travel in packs.
Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball!
Do fish get thirsty?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Do not fumble with a woman's logic.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do not remove this tagline under penalty of the law.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do the joke. Get the laugh. Move on.
Do vampires get AIDS?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor Who for president
Doctor, my brain hurts!
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Does killing time damage eternity?
Does the Enterprise use DOS v 2356.0?
Dogs crawl under Gates, software under Windows.
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't ask me, I have intermittent memory loss
Don't ask me, I only work here.
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!
Don't be a fool; Vulcanize your tool.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe in miracles, expect them.
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Don't byte off more than you can multiplex.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers.
Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.
Don't do what I SAY, do what I mean!
Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
Don't drink water. Fish make love in it.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!
Don't just stand there, scratch my back!
Don't just stand there...KNEEL!!
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't mess with Murphy.
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't press the keys so damned hard!
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
Don't start with me. You know how I get.
Don't steal - the government hates competition..
Don't stop posting, a good laugh breaks up my day nicely
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Don't try to saw sawdust.
Don't use no double negatives.
Don't waste water. Pee on a friend.
Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.
Down with categorical imperative!
Down with ignurance!
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
Dropped from my peeling lips like lousy fruit.
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
EMS: Enhanced Money Scam
ERROR 103: Dead mouse in hard drive.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Easter is canceled this year. They've found the body.
Eat Crap! 10 Trillion flies can't be wrong.
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Ego Gratification through Violence
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Elevators smell different to midgets
Email me the rules, please!
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
Enjoy me, I may never pass this way again.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Enter that again, just a little slower.
Eschew obfuscation.
Evangelists do more than lay people.
Every purchase has its price.
Every why hath a wherefore.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything in our favor was against us.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair
Excuse me while I sharpen my tongue.
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
Exploding piglets!!! My god, it's raining bacon!
F.A.R.T....Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
FLOPPY DISK: Serious curvature of the spine.
FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
Fact is solidified opinion
Fad: In one era and out the other.
Fahrvergnkie: (n) Sex in a Volkswagen.
Familiarity breeds attempt
Familiarity breeds children.
Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it.
Famous last words - Icarus: Aaaahhhhhhhhh.
Famous last words - Jesus Christ: Father, beam me up.
Famous last words - Lion at the Circus of Rome: Burp..
Famous last words - You and what army?
Faster cars, colder beer, younger women, more money!
Fat Wars: May the Sauce Be With You.
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Fatal Error Using Mouse. Replace and Bury Operator.
Features should be discovered, not documented.
Felines... nothing more than felines...
Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker. Wurks grate.
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition
First thing you do is shoot all the lawyers
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
Flames to dev/null/here/is/a/quarter/now/go/buy/a/clue.
Flaming nuclear death to Smurfs
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
Floppy not responding. Format hard drive instead? (Y/N)
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do
Follow-ups to alt.nobody.really.cares
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold
For Sale: Slightly used message. Enquire within.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For sale, Toilet-seat cover. Barely used.
For the finest in brain candy.
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
Forget the computer! Where's my abacus??
Fortune vomits on my eiderdown yet again.
Four minus two is one and the same.
Free Nelson Mandela, while stocks last!
Free advice is worth what you pay for it
Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
Friendly fire - ISN'T !
Friends are Friends, regardless of their baud rate!
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
]From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
]From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
GET A HAIRCUT!
GODISNOWHERE
GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
General Failure reading John Dvorak
Genitalia is not an Italian airline.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get a powerful right arm: subscribe to Playboy.
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
Gimme back my face! You're getting it ugly.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go Lemmings, Go!!!
God I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
God does not play dice.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
God invented women because sheep can't cook.
God is alive - he just doesn't want to get involved.
God is love... Love is blind... Ray Charles is God!
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good girls go to heaven...but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!
Goodness has NOTHING to do with it.....
Gotta love me!
Gravity brings me down
Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sux.
Great minds travel in the same sewers.
Greed is good! Greed is right! Greed works!
Grow your own dope... plant a man
Growing older is mandatory... growing up is optional!
Grub first, then ethics.
Gun Control means holding it in both hands.
Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target.
Guns don't kill people... death does.
Guns don't kill people..., I KILL PEOPLE!
Guten TAG.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
HAL 9000, you're pretty drunk aren't you Dave?
HARDWARE: n. The part you kick.
HIC! HLLP I'M STUSCT IN BOOOZZZE WAREHUSE
Hackito ergo sum.
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Hams do it with frequency, till their gigahertz.
Happiness is Earth in your rear view mirror.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm modem
Happiness is not a destination. It's the trip.
Happiness is...receiving YOUR posts!!!!
Hard work must have killed someone!
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Have Tardis, will travel.
Have an adequate day.
Have cursor, will curse.
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
Having two bathrooms ruins the capacity to co-operate.
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who dies with the most access, wins.
He who dies with the most toys... is *still* DEAD!
He who hesitates is constipated.
He who hesitates too long, must change his underwear.
He who hesitates.........miss'es out !!!
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
He who laughs last probably made a backup.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who lives by the sword eats with bloody hands.
He who lives by the sword laughs last.
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He's dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I'll get his wallet.
He's dim, Jed
Heads I win... DITTO tails
Hell Hath No Pizza.
Hell, if you understood everything I said, you'd be me!
Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative.
Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!
Help! I'm lost somewhere in the Generation Gap.
Help! I've been stuck in here for years and years...
Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
Hey! This is a morgue, not an amusement park!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
Hey!! When in Doubt Whip it Out!!!!
Hey, shit happens!
Hi! I can't remember your name either.
Hindsight is always 20:20.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Hollow chocolate has no calories
Holy Smokes!...."the church is on fire!"
Honest! It's only a cold sore!
Honey, I'll be down in 10 minutes, I promise this time.
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
Hors d'oeuvres--a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Housework done properly, can kill you
Houston! do you read.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do you get holy water?... Boil the hell out of it!
How do you pronounce my name? With reverence.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
How long will a floating point operation float?
How many consultants will fit onto the head of a pin?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Humpty dumpty was pushed.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse!
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
I PROMISE - I won't upload in your mouth!
I admit it's offbeat, but lets not get hysterical.
I always get my muckin words fuddled
I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I am a vampire. Please wash your neck.
I am both of us & so are you.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I am functioning within established parameters.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
I am sweet and lovable at all times.
I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
I appreciate your not breathing while I smoke
I believe in a god which doesn't need heavy financing
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I came, I saw, I took LOTS of PICTURES!
I came... I saw... I stole your tagline.
I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries
I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to!
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I could be arguing in my spare time.
I could prove God statistically.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do this kind of stuff to him all through the picture.
I don't need a disclaimer. I OWN the company.
I don't want the world, I just want your half.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I feel so inar-inar-inar tic-u-late
I find myself beside a stream of empty thought
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I get mail........ I exist.
I give advice worth the price....free!
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
I guess a cynic smells different.
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
I have a 9600bps modem and 1.5bps fingers
I have a speech impediment... my foot.
I have already not made that point
I have given my pain a name..!!
I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I is knot dain bramaged!
I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had?
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I know everything about everything, except that.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I like candy, especially the gooey kind with nougat!
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to think of myself as a divide overflow.
I like two kinds of women: domestic and foreign.
I like women with big... HEARTS! YEAH! THAT's it!
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I look better on a woman!
I lost a button hole today.
I lost my knickers at Niagara.
I made it foolproof. They are making better fools!
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I mustanottagottalotta sleep last night.
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
I never met a chocolate I didn't like!
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I parked my hard disk and now I can't find it!
I post.......... I am
I promise results, not promises.
I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.
I snatch kisses. (and vice versa)
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
I still miss my ex-wife - but my aim is improving!
I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I think the phrase rhymes with Clucking Bell
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think................I am paid.
I thought I was mistaken but I was mistaken.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walk.
I tried switching to gum but couldn't keep it lit.
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
I used to be disgusted, but now I'm just amused.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
I wake near the end of the day.
I want .50 cal machine guns as a factory option.
I warn you not to underestimate my powers.
I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
I went on a 30-day diet - and lost 30 days!
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.
I would jog, but the ice would fall out of my glass.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd like to, but last time I went I never came back..
I'd love to, but I have to fulfill my potential.
I'd love to, but I have to rotate my crops.
I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER Luke.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to, but my crayons all melted together.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.
I'd rather have a 3.5" hard one than a 5.25" floppy one
I'd tell you more more, but you might blush.
I'll eat anything that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!
I'll have what the guy in the casket had.
I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
I'm a Bum...a BEACH Bum!
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an incorrigible punster, so don't corrige me!
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol.
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
I'm making a career of evil.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
I'm new and what's all this then?
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
I'm not even going to ignore that.
I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished
I'm not lost, I'm "locationally challenged."
I'm not lost, but I don't know where I am.
I'm not on drugs. I am drugs.
I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things.
I'm not rude, I'm "attitudinally challenged".
I'm not tense, just terribly A*L*E*R*T!!
I'm on the crest of a slump.
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam
I'm schizophrenic, What are you?
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I'm sure it's clearly explained in the Zmodem DOC's
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
I'm turning you in to the SPCA!
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I've got morals. I just don't know where they are.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've had a hard drive, think I'll crash.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
I've upped my standards, SO UP YOURS!
IBM: I've Been Misled
IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more
IF numcooks ] .maxcooks THEN;SET V broth = 'spoiled';END
INTERLACE: To tie two boots together.
If Einstein Had Been Black It would be E=MC Hammer.
If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.
If I had anything witty to say, I wouldn't put it here.
If I shot myself, my ex would sue me for the bullet
If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your head.
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If The Shoe Fits - The Sock Fits !
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If all the ladies bend over, I would be very happy.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
If at first we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If at first you don't succeed, hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, you've failed failed again
If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it feels good do it, and if it does good feel it.
If it glows don't touch it!
If it has feelings, its not cooked enough!
If it has tits or tires, there will be problems.
If it isn't broken, don't fix it.
If it isn't original, it isn't sin.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If it screams it's not food......yet. [[Evil Grin]]
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it's not going to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If this is heaven, why am I bored out of my skull?
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If wishes were horses, dogfood would be a lot cheaper.
If ya can't beat 'em.......RUN!
If you can read this you have a modem.
If you can't be good, be careful.
If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER?
If you can't debug it, deplug it.
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." B. Gates
If you can't make it good, make it big.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once!
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
If you meet Ken Thompson on the road, kill him.
If you mess with something long enough it'll break.
If you prick me, do I not get turned on?
If you see an onion ring, ANSWER IT!
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you want your name spelt wrong, die.
If you're a typical student, consider the fact there is
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush..
If your behind is in front, you turned around!
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
Illiterate?... Write for free help.
Imagery is All In The Mind.
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
Impropriety is the soul of wit.
In God we trust, all others pay cash.
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
In war there is no substitute for victory.
Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Inertia makes the world go round.
Inferiority complex: conviction by a jury of your fears.
Ingres is not a necessary precursor to Egress.
Innuendo: Italian Suppository.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Insert New Disk for Drive C: Press ENTER when ready.
Insert inevitable trivial witticism of your choice.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
Iraq won the toss... and elected to receive.
Iraq's national bird?, "DUCK"
Iraqi Bingo B-52..F-16..A-10.. F-18..F-117..B-2
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Is FIDO a dog?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?
Is it possible to feel gruntled.
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is that a hard drive or are you just happy to see me?
Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click]
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Is this the right room for an argument?
It ain't easy being easy.
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
It depends on which end he tries to light.
It did what? Well, it's not supposed to do that.
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
It is broke. It will not work. It does not go.
It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
It works better if you plug it in.
It's Tekonojikly better!
It's a Tough Job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
It's an ill wind that gathers no moss.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's clever, but is it art?
It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It's easy to apply yourself, just use crazy glue!
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to RTFM when you can't find the FM..
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
It's life Jim, but not as we know it.
It's more than a reader. It's a message base manager!
It's never too late to have a happy childhood
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a
It's only ones and zeros.
It's over when the fat lady sits on your face.
It's smart to pick your friends -- but not your nose.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
It's starting to rain, .SQZ the animals into the .ARC !
It's true, forgiveness IS easier to get than permission
It's worse than that, he's dead Jim.
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
Ivan Poorovitch, Russia's new premier.
Ivo Andric - Yugoslavia's First Nobel Laureate
JFK: I need this motorcade like a hole in my head!
JOYSTICK: Peripheral used by consulting adults.
James Bond rules. 00K.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Jeez if you love honkus
Jesus Christ is the answer. Now, what was your question
Jesus Saves! But Gretzky scores on the rebound.
Jesus is coming back, and boy, is he ticked!
Jesus saves, Gretsky steals, he shoots, HE SCORES!
Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!
Junior! Quit playing with your floppy.
Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep.
Just because you're STUPID ain't no excuse.
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here
Just how much leg have I got
Just my two rubber ningis worth.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
Karma, Let me guess, The Toyota Factory!
Keep NZ Beautiful.... emigrate.
Keep NZ beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep a clear head and always carry a lightbulb.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
Kill them all! .... Let God sort them out.
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
Kleptomania: take something for it
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Know God...No peace. No God...Know peace.
Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
LATER..........AS IN MUCH!!
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Land of the Single Entendre...
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!
Learn to splel, danmit!
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
Liberal - a power worshiper without power.
Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
Life is Roff when yer Stewpid
Life is a sandwich, and it's always lunchtime
Life is a series of very rude awakenings.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Life is only as long as you live it.
Life is serious, but ART is fun!
Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life's a witch, then you fly.
Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Likes and dislikes are among my favorites
Liposuction will destroy your FAT
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
Love your neighbor but don't get caught.
M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
MASTURBATION...the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT.
Macho does not prove Mucho.
Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Make it do ... Or do without.
Make like a Tom and Cruise.
Make like a bottom and split.
Make like a drum and beat it!
Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.
Make like a tree and leave.
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Man has his will. Woman has her won't!
Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
Marilyn Monroe? A vacuum with nipples.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Marriage? Sorry, I can't mate in captivity.
Marry your mistress, create a job vacancy.
Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so.
Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham.
Master Baiter
Mastermind specialist subject - the bleedin' obvious..
Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
Math is the language God used to write the universe.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
May the Porsche be with you.
May you live in interesting times.
May your life be filled with experiences.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
Me know gammar. Me cood use it gud.
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve it's dignity
Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Men play the game; women know the score.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence
Microfiche: Sardines.
Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties
Mind if I rape your daughter
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Modem sex begins with a handshake.
Modem sex, the next best thing to being there.
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Modems.....reach out and BYTE someone!
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life
Money is the root of all wealth.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Monopoly? No, we just don't want competition.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Most gays have heterosexual parents.
Most of us have been at work for several hours now.
Mother Nature is a bitch.
Mother is the invention of necessity.
Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!
Multitasking causes schizophrenia.
Multitasking: Reading in the bathroom
Murphy is out there... waiting...
Murphy was an optimist.
Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
My Go amn keyboar oesn't have any 's!
My God can beat up YOUR god...
My I.U.D. picks up Radio Windy.
My RAM's not what it used to be, so don't quote me.
My best friend is a social worker.
My computer has a terminal illness
My computer puts out.
My computer's sick, I think my modem's a carrier
My couch potato routine honed to perfection
My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My hat covers my head... Just like hair used to!
My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
My karma ran over my dogma
My kingdom for a beer; half my beer for a woman.
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring
My lord, I have a cunning plan...
My lucky color just faded.
My message above. Your response here ____________.
My modem can beat up your modem.
My other car is a broom!
My other computer is a abacus.
My tagline can beat up your tagline!
My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
NO MORE BU__ SH__
NUMBER CRUNCHING: Jumping on a Computer.
Naaah, real men don't read docs.
Nanosecond: Mork's stunt man.
Neil Armstrong tripped.
Neurotic: Self-taut person.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
Never before have so few puked so much on so many.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you
Never eat yellow snow!
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Never go with the odds
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never shove your granny while she's shaving.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
New Highway gets Railroaded.
Newsbytes - Microsoft announce EDLIN for Windows.
Next time you wave, use ALL of your fingers!!
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Nil taurus excretum. No El Toro Poopoo either!
Ninety per cent of everything is crap.
Nitpicking: Not just a hobby, it's a way of life!
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
No free lunch in an ecosystem.
No matter what they SAY, size IS important!
No matter where you go, there you are.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
No wanna work... wanna bang on keyboard!
No, I'm from NZ. I only work in Outer Space.
No?! Some people still read mail a packet at a time?!
Nodding the head does not row the boat.
None of you exist, my Sysop types all this in.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Not quite human any longer.
Not tonight honey... I have a modem
Nothing is 100% certain, bug free or IBM compatible.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason
Nothing recedes like success.
Nothing succeeds like excess.
Nothing this evil EVER dies!
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Now is not a good time to annoy me
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
Now where did I put that rubber doll?
Nudist Camp sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nuke the baby seals for Jesus
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
ORG.ASM Not Found. Wife not happy!
OS/2 - Not just another pretty program loader!
OS/2 - Windows with bullet-proof glass.
OS/2 VirusScan - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/y)"
OUCH! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
Objection, your Honor! My client is an idiot!
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder
Objects in taglines are closer than they appear.
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Oh goody! Another Muranium Explosive Space Modulator!
Oh no you don't! Your not stealing this one!
Oh no, not another learning experience!
Oh yeah? Well, beam *THIS* up, pal!
Okay - right after this one we're BACK to the TOPIC
Old MacDonald had a computer with an EIE I/O
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts
On the other hand, you also have 5 fingers.
On the unlabeled disk? HELL they're all unlabeled!
Once I thought I was wrong - but I was mistaken
One atom bomb can really ruin your day.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
One in Kate Bush is worth two in the Hand.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...
One legged girls are pushovers.
One man's Windows are another man's walls.
One man's meat is another's editor
One man's upload is another man's download
One night I came home very late. It was the next night
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Only 19,999 lines of C++ to my next ski trip...
Only God can make random selections.
Only a wimpy God can't get it right the first time!
Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
Open Mouth. Insert Foot. Chew Carefully.
Open mouth. Insert Foot. Echo internationally.
Open your drive door, honey.
Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!
Optimization hinders evolution.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Outlaw junk mail, and save the trees!
Overload--core meltdown sequence initiated.
Oxymoron - Definite possibility
Oxymoron - Military Intelligence
Oxymoron: Bosnian Cease-Fire
Oxymoron: Soviet Union.
PCBackup: 1 of 1362 disks.
PI seconds is a nanocentury. - Tom Duff, Bell Labs
PIMP: a fornicaterer.
PKZip - it's not just for downloads anymore
PMS- Presentation Manager Syndrome.
Pagan Missionary
Pagan and Proud
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Palindrome isn't one.
Pandemonium doesn't reign here... It pours!
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
Pascal: What's it Wirth?
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Patience is a virtue that carries a lot of WAIT!
Peace through superior firepower.
Peanuts: The Drinking Man's Filter.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't!
People will die this year that never died before
Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?
Perot/Bush/Quayle: The Millionaire, Skipper & Gilligan.
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
Photographers do it in dark rooms.
Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Pizza IS the four food groups!
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
Plagiarism prohibited, derive carefully.
Please don't drink and post.
Please don't filter this twit
Pobody's Nerfect!
Poets go from bad to verse
Point not found. A)bort, R)eread, I)gnore.
Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Political panjandrums prologize pedantic paronomasia.
Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.
Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Pornography? We don't even have a pornograph!
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Predicting the future of technology is fraud with peril!
Prepare to meet thy GOD! (Evening dress optional)
Press [CTRL]-[ALT]-[DELETE] to continue.
Press all the keys at once to continue...
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
Programmers do it in loops.
Programmers get overlaid!
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Prosecutors will be violated
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
Push any key. Then push the any other key.
Push the limit, and the limit will move away!
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
Put people on hold when possible.
Queen Elizabeth rules, UK?
Question Authority, ask me anything
RAID Antivirus - Kills Virus's DEAD!!!
REALITY.DAT not found. Press any key to reset Universe.
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable To Recover Universe
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
RECOVER.COM: a little slice of hell
RESTORE A: C:\VIRGINITY\*.* /S
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party
Rap music is Oxymoron
Read what I mean, not what I write.
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
Real men don't set for stun.
Real men write self-modifying code.
Reality Is An Illusion Caused By Lack Of Acid
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle buttons
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car.
Refuse Novocain...Transcend Dental Medication!
Regal Lager, It's not just a beer... It's a palindrome!
Religion ... is the opium of the masses.
Remember when safe sex meant not getting caught?
Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Reputation: what others are not thinking about you.
Resistance Is Useless! (If [ 1 ohm)
Return((usBirdInHand = 2 * InTheBush()));
Reusable Condoms: Just shake the fuck out of them.
Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.
Richard Nixon means never having to say you're sorry
Roses are red, Violet's are blue, And mine are white.
Roses are red, and violets are too expensive for you.
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens
Round up the usual suspects!
Round, round, get around. I've gotten round!
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions
SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
STRING space corrupt? But I always use TAPE!
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!
SUSHIDO the way of the tuna
SYNTAX? Why not--they tax everything else!
SYSOP's read minds. But QWKly, very, very QWKly!
Saddam eats his Kurds
Sarcasm: barbed ire.
Save a whale, harpoon a fat person.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save fuel. Get cremated with a friend.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!
Save your money for a rainy day, or a new computer!
Say it with flowers - Give her a triffid.
Say yer prayers, y' flea-bitten' varmint.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Schizophrenia rules. OK. OK.
Science asks why. I ask why not.
Science: preconception meeting verification.
Scientists discover life causes cancer.
Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable.
See how you can be?
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
Send lawyers, guns, & money...
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Serfs up! - Spartacus
Serving the scum of Paris for over 300 years
Set mode=Extremely verbose
Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss
Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off!
Sex, Sex, Sex... the pleasure of having a 1 track mind.
Sex: the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sexual Harassment starts at the office.
Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven!
She is blonde/tall/beautiful, and as a Z80 for a brain
She was another one of his near Mrs.
Shell to DOS... come in DOS... Do you copy?
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark..
Short people are vertically challenged.
Should I or shouldn't I?... Too late, I did!
Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
Sign here please:_______________________Thanks
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission"
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
Signito ergo sum - I sign therefore I am.
Sylvester Stallone: father of the RISC concept.
Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
Sit down, you're rocking the boat!
Six of one, 110 (base 2) of another.
Skating away on the thin ice of a new day.
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood pressure.
Slower Traffic Keep Right - Is that so difficult?
Slug Sautee: a hors of a different d'oeuvre.
Small changes pick up the reins from nowhere.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue
Smile if you are Jesus
Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
Smurf exterminator.
So dry & yet so wet.
So many bytes, so few cps.
So many damsels, so little time
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many toys, so little time...
So much time, and so little to do.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software.
Software means never having to say you're finished
Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant!
Some days, nothing goes left.
Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths
Some people are so nice to be nasty to.
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Something is rotten in the state of confusion.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Sometimes they just grow, and grow, and grow...
Sorry about your Rectocranial Inversion.
Sorry, my English is not very good. No punt intended.
Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
Space is big. Really big.
Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks.
Spell chequers dew knot work write.
Spelling problems? use "error-correcting" modems!
Spice is the variety of life.
Squeeze my Lemon, till the juice runs down my leg...
Stamp out philately!
Stand on the toilet, get high on pot.
Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
Steal my cash, car and TV - but leave the computer!
Stealth condoms: she'll never even see you coming...
Sterility is hereditary.
Strike any user when ready.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Stroking a furry pussy will get you scratched.
Subvert the dominant paradigm!
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius
Supernovae are a Blast
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Support the helpless victims of computers.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Swish, two, three, four! Swish, two, three, four!
System Crash (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules
THIS definitely takes, eats and shits the cake.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Tact: knowing how far to go too far.
Tact: making a point without making an enemy.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Talk is cheap because Supply exceeds Demand.
Tampons $1 a dozen! No strings attached!
Taurus Excretum Ad Infinitum....
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Teamwork is essential. It gives them another target.
Techno Pagan.
Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Terminator bumpersticker: I TIME TRAVEL NAKED.
Texas Toilet paper, it don't take s**t off anyone.
Thank you very little.
That ain't so good English!
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That that is is not that that is not.
That was ZEN -- this is TAO
That'll be $67.50 CCCHHHHHIIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!
That's inches away from being millimeter perfect.
The 11th COMMANDMENT - Thou shalt not be a smartass!
The Czech's in the mail. Sending Frenchman by FAX.
The French defense isn't...
The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry!
The Lab called,..... Your brain is ready!
The Official Offline Reader of The Lunatic Fringe!
The UARTs won't take this speed, Captain
The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.
The ballot is stronger than the bullet.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at -9.8 m/s}
The best way to keep friends is not to give them away.
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The cause of problems are solutions!
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum...
The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.
The dog ate my .REP packet.
The dreadful burden of having nothing to do.
The drunker I sit here, The longer I get.
The first blonde is the cheapest.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with i
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The fish that escaped is the big one.
The floggings will continue until morale improves!
The further I go, the behinder I get.
The game's a little bit wide open again.
The gene pool has no lifeguard.
The hangman let us down.
The hardest thing about time travel is the grammar.
The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
The little engineer that could
The margin is very marginal.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you
The mind is like a parachute - it works only when open.
The moral majority is neither.
The patient's taken a turn for the nurse.
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
The pendulum has gone full circle.
The polls show 8 out of 5 schizophrenics agree!
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The road to success is always under construction.
The score didn't really reflect the outcome.
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall
The simple explanation always follows the complex solution
The sixth sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
The superfluous is very necessary.
The thrill is gone, the thrill is gone baby
The unnatural, that too is natural.
The vine Jane! No the vine! aaiiieeeee...
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The whole world is about three drinks behind
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is so big and so global now.
The worst day's fishing is better than the best day's w
Then do the pelvic thrust.
Then somebody spoke, and I went into a dream....
There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.
There are many things I could say...
There are no atheists in the foxholes.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
There is much Obiwan did not tell you.
There is no God! He just thinks he's there!
There is no dark side of the moon. Really.
There is no remedy for fun but more fun!
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!"
There will be no last bus tonight.
There's a hot place with pitchforks waiting.
There's no future in time travel
There's one in every car... You'll see.
There's safety in numbers/When you learn to divide.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath
This is abuse. Arguments are down the hall.
This isn't hell, but I can see it from here.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
This line intentionally left unjustified.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
This message was typed on recycled phosphorous.
This mind intentionally left blank.
This phone is baroque; please call Bach later.
This program makes me look like a genius.
This tagline is SHAREWARE! To Register, send me $10.
This tagline was created from many little letters.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise!
Those who live by the nit, die by the nit
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Tie a yellow ribbon around Jane Fonda's neck..
Tilt your chair back, your breath is effecting my RAM!
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Time flies like an arrow - Fruit flies like a banana
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Tis better to be hunter than hunted.
Tis better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition
To all virgins. Thanks for nothing
To be or Not is the Result!
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To boldly go and watch Star Trek re-runs.
To do nothing is also a good remedy.
To eat is human, to digest, divine.
To err is human, to eat Jello, is messy.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
To err is human. To moo bovine
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer!
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
To me personally, it's nothing personal to me.
Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
Todays subliminal message is " "
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
Too much month at the end of the money.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Took an hour to bury the cat. Silly thing kept moving.
Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore...
Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Trees hit cars only in self-defence.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
Trust me -- I'm a Lawyer.
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!
Turning floppies into hard drives.
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
Two is company, three is an orgy.
Two peanuts went to New York. One was assaulted.
Two seals fell off a cliff. Arf Arf
Two's company, three's the result.
Typographers rule, OQ
Tyre Shop sign - We Skid You Not.
UART what UEAT!
UFO's are real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Ultimate Question Research Team
Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!
Unburdened by the rigors of coherent thought.
Unix and the world Unix with you; VAX and you VAX alone.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
Until people grow up, they have no idea what's cool
Use DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
Useless as windshield wipers on a duck's ass.
Users, losers -- what's the difference?
VD is nothing to clap about.
VLSI: "Getting High On Low Voltage"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Veni Vidi Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
Veterinarians drive like animals.
Vidi, Vici, Veni: I saw, I conquered, I came
Virginity can be cured.
Volcano -- a mountain with hiccups.
Vulcans have less fun.
Vultures only fly with carrion luggage.
WAITER! there's soup in my fly!
WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!
WARNING: my messages are offensive to morons!
WOMAN.ZIP... Great program but no documentation.
Women! Can't live with 'em and no resale value.
WOMEN: Weird Obnoxious Male Enticing Nymphs
WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
Walls impede my progress
Wanna flirt with disaster? Become a SysOp!
Want a LAUGH run a spell check on DSZ docs.
Want a jelly baby?
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
Wanted: Volcano. Average size. Must be active.
War News: Saddam's army blown away by Thai hookers.
Warning: Whimsical when bored
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
Was it as good for you, as it was for me?
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF.
Was today really Necessary?
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Water + Malt + Hops + Yeast = Satisfaction
Wave to your neighbor, Word to your mother.
We are not a clone.
We are the people our parents warned us about
We don't care. We don't have to. We're Telecom...
We have here the latest in primitive technology.
We seem to have juxtaposed an impasse here
We take drugs very seriously at my house...
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
We'll give you piece de resistance and a tour de force
We're as similar as two dissimilar things in a pod.
We're lost, but we're making good time.
Weeping, I wake; waking, I weep, I weep.
Welcome to New Zealand, set your watch back 20 years.
Well cover me in egg & flour and bake me for 14 minutes
Well, pluck me naked as a scalded chicken!
What are you doing?!? The message is over,GO AWAY!
What can you do for me?
What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today.
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What could possibly go wrong.
What do batteries run on?
What do you call a female clown? A Clunt :-)
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full!
What do you feed a Trojan horse? A latex lollipop!
What do you mean that 2 years have passed??
What does this red button do?
What else can you do at 3:00 am?
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Pati O'furniture.
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
When 911 won't work .357 will!
When in doubt, think.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Who glued the cup to the table?
Whoever has the most when he dies... WINS!
Whoops, stepped on a frog.
Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.
Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
Why are you wasting time reading taglines?
Why be a man when you can be a success?
Why can't we just spell it orderves?
Why did the Albanion working class revolt?
Why do the Kennedy men cry after sex? MACE.
Why do you think they call it "find"?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat
Winston Peters, a rebel without a caucus.
Winter is nature's way of saying "up yours".
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Wit is cultured insolence.
With a mind like yours, who needs a body.
With friends like these, who needs to hallucinate?
With friends like you, who needs enemas.
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Woman was God's second mistake.
Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value...
Women do come with instructions; ask them.
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
Women, can't live with'um, can't shoot'um.
Work is for people who can't
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy
World ends today at 9:30 pm! Film at 11:00...
Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
Would a virgin be called a notyeterosexual?
Yes my son, long ago mail was read 1 packet at a time.
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
You hit the nail right between the eyes.
You want I should bop you with this here Lollipop?!?
Your feet have balls but not vice versa?
Your friendly neighborhood Atheist.
Zen T-Shirt: Enlightenment Available - Enquire Within
[DISCLAIMER: my fingers are epileptic]
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
"Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
God I hate floppies.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Evil always triumphs over good, because good is STUPID!
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
A day not wasted is a day wasted!

Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (***@cco.caltech.edu)
ShortStuff (***@mtholyoke.edu) wrote:
:
: you want quotes?
: here's some:
:
: Between two evils, i always pick the one i never tried before.
:
: I feel like a million...but one at a time, please.
:
: -Mae West
:

Here are my tags, back by popular demand:
My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries and counting.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
"Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
"Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2X4 do, Captain?"
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"
"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
"Nietzsche is dead." --God.
[-------- The information went data way --------]
[tap] [tap] [tap] Is this thing on?
2 rules to success in life. 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A good pun is its own reword.
A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
A hangover: the wrath of grapes.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Actual newspaper headline, 1/17/77: "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
Actual newspaper headline, 8/14/80: "Food Basic to Student Diet"
Actual TorStar headline, 3/6/94: "Man charged with murder after death"
After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
Air is water with holes in it.
Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes
right.
Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill
Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
Cabinicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie
theaters.
Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.
Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary.
Click...click...click...damn, out of new taglines.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
Courage: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
Don't laugh. It could happen.
Don't use no double negatives, not never.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
Don't eat the yellow snow.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
Don't judge a book by its mini-series.
Down with categorical imperatives.
Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now everywhere.
/Earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can.
Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average
drivers.
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- last words of Groucho Marx
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- last words of Oscar Wilde
Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are
dead.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. --
Atwood
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
Expert: Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Familiarity breeds children.
Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six
months.
Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
Fenderberg: Deposit on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
Furbling: Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in
line.
Garmites: Clothing that fits well in the store but shrinks on the way home.
Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom
to use.
Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
God gives burdens; also shoulders.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good sopranos and tenors have resonance -- where others have brains.
Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
Great minds run in great circles.
Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather
large.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Have an adequate day.
Have you flogged your crew today?
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Heating with wood, you get warm twice: Once chopping it, and once
stacking it.
Heisenberg might have been here.
HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray
Bandy
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they
were.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad. --
Allen
I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my
shoulders.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
I hate laundry month.
I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. -- the Wizard of Oz
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. --
Groucho Marx
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. -- Nash
I seem to be a verb. -- Buckminster Fuller
I am a .signature, and I want to be your friend.
I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat!
I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
humans.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. --
Albran
I disclaim my disclaimer!
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. -- G. B. Shaw
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steve Wright
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. --
Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx
I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -- Cerebus
I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.
I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If nothing beats getting drunk, given a choice, I'd take the nothing.
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an
improvement.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If either religion or science were infallible, it would incorporate the
other.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If You Pass This Point You Will Most Certainly Die. -- sign on birth canal
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
If I had finished this sentence. -- Hofstadter
If in doubt, mumble.
If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel... ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have
them on.
If you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
Illegitimus non Carborundem -- "Don't let the bastards grind you down".
Illiterate? Write for free help.
In English, every word can be verbed.
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
Is this true or only clever? -- Augustine Birrell
Is there life before death?
Is a mirage real? Well, it's a real mirage. -- Edward Abbey
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew Mathis
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert
Einstein
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of
everything.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew Arnold
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best
lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
Keep Canada beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Kilroy occupied these spatial coordinates.
Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry Camp
Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on scratch-and-win tickets.
Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let's hope God grades on a curve.
Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
Life is like an analogy.
Life is too confusing for novices. We should let the experts take care
of it.
Living your life is so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
Love thy neighbor: Tune thy piano.
Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic
needs.
Love: the word that paints a thousand pictures.
Maggit: A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
Magnocartic: An automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping
carts.
Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
Make things as simple as possible, but not simpler. --Einstein
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Mankind... infests the whole habitable Earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce
Many are called, but few are at their desks.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
Michelangelo would have made better time with a roller.
Millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
Mold has spores. People have pores. It is one way to tell us apart.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
Mowmuffins: Dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.
Mr. Worf! Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
MRducks. MRnot! MRso! Cedar wings? ...Whale oil beef hooked, MRducks!
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
My other tagline is a footnote.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My computer NEVER cras
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
My opinions are not those of my ex-employer.
Never enough time, unless you're serving it.
Never call a man a fool. Instead, borrow from him.
Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.
Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Never eat prunes when you're famished.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Nine out of ten people think they are above average. The rest are in
therapy.
No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too.
Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Nugloo: Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to
cringe.
Our parents were never our age.
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -- Corry
Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
People usually get what's coming to them... unless it was mailed.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you!
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds
profound.)
Reality is for those too stupid to program holodecks.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rumper sticker on a horse: "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
Saddam Hussein is the father of the mother of all cliches.
Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back. -- sign on septic
tank truck
Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!
Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
Sign seen on door: C I T Y P L A N N ING
Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of
debt.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel
Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.
Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Spam Lite: with meat products like these, who needs taglines?
Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
That was Zen; this is Tao.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography.
The cynic says: the pessimist is a realist who isn't afraid to admit it.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep.
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it
made.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The death rate on Earth is: .... (computing) .... One per person.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Animals/people: you can pet 99% of animals and still get a G rating.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth. -- Diana Rigg
The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The glass is half full--and what's in it has gone rancid.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
There is a vas deferens between men and women.
There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
There is a 70% probability of tomorrow. (actual weatherman quote. 1988)
There is no bottom to worse. -- Cohen
There is no idea so stupid that some professor doesn't believe in it.
There's not enough sax and violins on television.
These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions.
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... -- last words of General
Sedgwick
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. --Gerald Ford.
This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
This is news. This is your brain on news. Any questions?
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
This letter fills a much-needed gap.
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston
Churchill
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
This sentence no verb.
Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human.
To do it: Hire someone, or forbid your kids.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)
Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it is just the
opposite.
Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
Vote anarchist.
We have them just where they want us. -- James Kirk
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We aren't sure how clouds form. But they know, that is what counts.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the
allegators.
We will cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
What did you bring the book I want to be read to out of about Down Under
up for?
What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key
What if there were no hypothetical situations? --Andrew Kohlsmith
What is orange and goes "click, click"? A ball point carrot.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
When in doubt, do as doubters do.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose.
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
You can't hear it, but the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin
Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses? -- Liddy
Why did the tachyon cross the road? Because it was on the other side.
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Working in a McDonald's kitchen: one [beep]ing thing after another...
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Yawning is an orgasm for your face. -- Gunvar Ingeborg
Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").
You are warm and giving toward others. What are you after?
You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
wrinkled.
You are here. But you are not all there.
You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make sense.
Your fault -- core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

--
Ken Breadner Wilfrid Laurier University,
##############
***@mach1.wlu.ca Waterloo, Ontario, Canada-for-now
##############
(the BREADbox) ---------------------------------
##############
------------------------Scratch here to reveal your prize---]
##############

Ashleigh Edward Brilliant, tireless composer for decades of entertaining
PotShots, whose work I excerpt below, followed by my own imitations and
clones
from other sources.

This is certainly an excessive posting against a basenote, but splicing an
Ashleigh Brilliant thread into a screaming raving flame war has an amusing
cacaphony to it that the good Mr. Brilliant himself would almost certainly
enjoy. (BTW, my business dealings with the Dizzies indicates that arguing
with them is not productive since (a) they like it and (b) they're better
at it than we are ... a LOT better.)

Potshots By Ashleigh Edward Brilliant

* NOT NOW and maybe not later, either.

* WE'LL ALWAYS STAY ON GOOD TERMS as long as they're my terms.

* FOLLOW ME! It's better for us to be lost together.

* One good reason for trusting me is that many other foolish people already
trust me.

* IT'S NOT FAIR THE WAY YOU KEEP RETALIATING AGAINST MY UNPROVOKED ATTACKS.

* PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANY FURTHER TROUBLE I CAN GIVE YOU ...

* An unfair method sometimes used to gain control of an organization is to
attend all the meetings.

* IF YOU CAN'T GO AROUND IT, OVER IT, OR THROUGH IT THEN YOU HAD BETTER
NEGOTIATE WITH IT.

* Inside every older person, there's a younger person, wondering what
happened. (ED: And outside that younger person is the older person,
laughing
at him.)

* Some people can find all the peace of mind they want in a good, satisfying
conflict.

* LET'S PUT THE BLAME WHERE IT BELONGS: On somebody else.

* THE MORE SURE YOU ARE -- THE MORE WRONG YOU CAN BE.

* Everything I am today I owe to people whom it is now too late to punish.

* BEWARE! I can do great harm to myself, and blame it all on you.

* It would be easier for me to reject all established values if I knew what
they were ...

* IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE, or else it's all very complex, or perhaps it's
neither ... or both.

* If you never try anything new, you'll miss some of the world's great
disappointments.

* I TRY TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, but sometimes several days attack me at
once.

* Unlike most people, I'm just an average person.

* IN MY OWN SMALL WAY, I AM HELPING PEOPLE if only by leaving most of them
alone.

* COLD COMFORT: Some of the worst things I've done have probably been
forgotten by everyone but me.

* I WAS EDUCATED ONCE and it took me years to get over it.

* I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less.

* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
worthless.

* THE SHOW MUST GO ON but I don't have to stay and watch.

* YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO AROUSE VARIOUS EMOTIONS IN ME. Please select
carefully.

* IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE -- could you make yours a little
friendlier?

* IF WE ALL DO WHAT WE BELIEVE IS RIGHT there will assuredly be utter chaos.

* I HAVE NO PREJUDICES: all my hatreds are based on solid evidence.

* DON'T LET YOURSELF SUFFER NEEDLESSLY! Find a need to suffer.

* Today's children are required to learn what most people in former times
were forbidden to know.

* NOT ALL OUR ARTISTS ARE PLAYING A JOKE ON THE PUBLIC -- SOME OF THEM ARE
GENUINELY MAD.

* TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY and I hope it's not a day like this one.

* I'LL LISTEN TO YOUR UNREASONABLE DEMANDS IF YOU'LL CONSIDER MY
UNACCEPTABLE
OFFER.

* I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU but there's nobody else around to bore.

* INFORM THE TROOPS THAT ALL COMMUNICATIONS HAVE COMPLETELY BROKEN DOWN.

* I live in a world of my own, but visitors are always welcome.

* THE TIME FOR ACTION IS PAST! Now is the time for senseless bickering.

* The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is
right.

* NO MAN IS AN ISLAND -- but some of us are long peninsulas.

* It's possible that my whole purpose in life is simply as a warning to
others.

* YOUR REASONING IS EXCELLENT. It's your basic assumptions that are wrong.

* BY DOING JUST A LITTLE EVERY DAY, I CAN GRADUALLY LET THE TASK COMPLETELY
OVERWHELM ME.

* SOMEDAY I'LL GET MY BIG CHANCE or have I already had it?

* I hope the day after I die is a nice day.

* The odds are a million to one of my being one in a million.

* BEEN THROUGH HELL? AND WHAT DID YOU BRING BACK FOR ME?

* MY SOURCES ARE UNRELIABLE, but their information is fascinating.

* As long as I have you, I can endure all the troubles you invariably bring.

* BY STAYING AT THE REAR OF THE ADVANCE, you can be at the forefront of the
retreat.

[%%]

POTSHOT CLONES

* My own imitations on a theme, dedicated to Corvallis, Oregon, 1981:1983:
"It's not the fall that hurts, it's the sudden stop at the end."

* GULLIBLE AND INSECURE? TAKE HEART. You're certain to find someone
arrogant and manipulative to help you.

* IF YOU TRY HARD AND PERSEVERE you will eventually gain our utter contempt.

* IT WOULD BE EASIER TO FULFILL MY SENSE OF SOCIAL OBLIGATION if fulfilling
it didn't annoy everyone so much.

* GOOD LUCK ON YOUR CRUSADE. Send me a report when you're done.

* THANKS TO HIGHER EDUCATION AND MASS COMMUNICATIONS, ignorance and
superstition have been brought to new and undreamed-of levels of
sophistication.

* Just because it's hard ... doesn't mean it's worthwhile.

* I have no objections to conformism. I just never figured out how to make
it pay.

* I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS to the questions you are not asking.

* TO HELL WITH ALL THOSE PEOPLE who don't love humanity as much as I do.

* THANK YOU FOR YOUR CRITICISMS -- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR? But I think should
ask someone else.

* I AM EAGER TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEMS. No problems? Let me make some
for you.

* WHEN YOU'VE FINALLY SAVED THE WORLD FROM ALL THE FOOLISH PEOPLE -- who
saves it from you?

* YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF CONFUSION AND MISERY until you have searched
for enlightenment and happiness.

* HOW ARROGANT OF YOU NOT TO ACCEPT my obvious superiority.

* You don't need to fix me. I am not broken.

* I HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT. So don't go ruining it all by asking me to
explain.

* If I have to ride in the back of the bus, I'd rather walk.

* I CAN ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE POMPOUS AND HUMORLESS. I just don't understand
why you are proud of it.

* I AM SO VERY FORTUNATE THAT MY PERSONAL LIFESTYLE is such a perfect
reflection of the absolute good.

* ONCE I FELT A NEED TO BELONG AND BE ACCEPTED. Fortunately, I got over it.

* Instead of wondering: WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING? -- you might ask instead:
WHY DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD?

* IF THIS IS RESPECTABILITY, I'll pass.

* SINCE YOU STARTED PUTTING UP A FIGHT, it's not fun to harass you any more.

* THANKS TO THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEMS, I finally
realized the problem was the people who wanted to help me with my problems.

[%%]

POTSHOT CLONES 2

* More of my own clones from later years, much less cynical.

* MONEY WON'T BUY HAPPINESS but it's good for a few laughs every now and
then.

* For some, familiarity does not breed contempt. It simply gives them a
chance to express it.

* This book is so profound, it bores me to death.

* YOU CAN'T BEAT A LOUDMOUTH AT HIS OWN GAME.

* When you can laugh at everyone but yourself, you have merely succeeded in
mistaking malice for a sense of humor.

* Assumptions are like mines: you're never aware of them until they blow up
in your face.

* I'M SURE I'M NOT THE SILLIEST FOOL ON THE PLANET. I just happen to be the
one I know the best.

* POWER CORRUPTS. TRIVIAL POWER CORRUPTS ABSOLUTELY.

* WHEN IN DOUBT be quiet.

* AFTER DEALING WITH PEOPLE OF STRONG CONVICTIONS I think there's something
positive to be said for being wishy-washy.

* A THICK SKIN IS A VIRTUE as long as it doesn't go all the way through
your head.

* SIMPLY BECAUSE I REJECT YOUR POSITION does not mean I embrace its
opposite.

* IF YOU'RE NOT BRINGING ANYTHING TO THE PARTY then why are you going?

* SOMETIMES YOU CAN EARN PEOPLE'S RESPECT just by keeping your mouth shut
until they get used to you.

* ROTATE LEFT, ROTATE RIGHT, still a crank.

* I NEVER CALL SOMEONE A FRIEND if they're not around to deny it.

* THE ESSENCE OF HUMILITY is to put yourself in someone else's shoes and ask
if you could do better.

* JUST BECAUSE I HAD IT COMING TO ME doesn't mean you're not on my blacklist
for doing it to me.

* I HELP OTHERS WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES. The rest of the time I help
myself.

* GETTING OUT OF THE MILITARY IS LIKE REACHING THE BOTTOM AFTER FALLING
DOWN A
FLIGHT OF STAIRS. You don't feel so good, but at least you're glad there
isn't any more.

* LIFE IS A JOKE, but at least it's a good one.

* TROUBLESHOOTING A COMPUTER OVER A PHONE IS LIKE HAVING SEX THROUGH A
HOLE IN
A BOARD FENCE. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.

* WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT has no bearing on whether it is true or not.

* IT IS EASY TO PLEASE THOSE WHO ARE EASILY PLEASED. It is absolutely
impossible to please those who are not.

* PLAUSIBLE ARGUMENTS CAN BE CONSTRUCTED for the dumbest ideas.

* IF YOU CAN'T WIN BIG BATTLES, win lots of little ones.

* I'm not big on conspiracy theories, as I see things happen more by
accident
than by design.

* I try to respect my elders. I doubt they're wiser than I am, but I'm
certain they've taken more abuse.

* DAY TO DAY LIFE requires a certain small but unceasing courage.

* THE OLDER I GET THE MORE I UNDERSTAND why people become alcoholics.

* WHAT FUN IS IT TO BE AN EXPERT if you have to make yourself easy to
understand?

* IF YOU WERE HANGING OFF A CLIFF, I WOULD HELP YOU UP. But I would
think it
over a while before I did it.

* I'VE NEVER HAD BAD LUCK. Just fits of stupidity.

* IT'S EASY TO KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUTE TOWARD THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU if you
don't pay too much attention to them.

* I LIKE TO THINK I AM A GOOD-NATURED PERSON, despite the lack of supporting
evidence.

* BODY LANGUAGE, VAGUE AS IT IS, is much less misleading than the spoken
word.

* IF YOU CAN'T MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE, you can at least not make it
worse.

* HE THINKS HE'S A PROPHET, but he's really a loss.

* NOTHING CAN CAUSE MORE PAIN, AGONY, AND BLOODSHED than the belief that
things will happen the way you expect them to.

* TRYING TO PLEASE WOMEN NEVER WORKS. NEITHER DOES IGNORING THEM. But it's
a lot less bother.

* WHY WORRY ABOUT VIRUSES when there's software out there that is far more
dangerous?

* IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, it probably doesn't mean anything.

* BELOW THE NOISE THRESHOLD OF THE FEMALE PSYCHE, you do not understand what
is going on, and, furthermore, you don't want to find out.

[%%]

POTSHOT CLONES 3

* Dedicated to the Aunt Esther to my Fred Sanford:

* When she speaks to me, I always have the strangest feeling of being called
on the phone ... and then put on hold.

* Let's cut through all the logic and get on with the bullshit.

* There's no need to be concerned. Your approval is not required.

* YOU MAY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, but I must admit you say it with impressive
conviction.

* I wish we were talking on the phone ... so I could at least have the
pleasure of hanging up on you.

[%%]

POTSHOT CLONES 4

* By others, anonymous and otherwise.

* STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD and you get hit by traffic going both
ways.

* THE MORE CRAP YOU TAKE, THE MORE CRAP YOU GET.

* THE NEXT BEST THING TO DOING SOMETHING SMART is not doing something
stupid.
(Andy Capp)

* AN EASILY UNDERSTOOD, VALID HALF-TRUTH is more useful than a detailed,
incomprehensible truth.

* THIS IS SERVITUDE, to serve the unwise. (John Milton)

* You're telling me questions and asking me lies.

* YOU CAN'T LOSE WHAT YOU AIN'T GOT, YOU CAN'T MISS WHAT YOU AIN'T NEVER
HAD.
(Muddy Waters and so on)

* I ain't bitter, I'm just bitter-sweet. (Rahsaan Roland Kirk)

* I'D KICK MY OWN MOTHER IN THE BALLS IF SHE LAID A RAP ON ME LIKE THAT.
(Vaughn Bode / Cheech Wizard)

* IT'S ALWAYS EASY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP and always impossible to take two
steps at a time. (Seymour Cray)

* IT IS EASY TO BE KIND TO PEOPLE FOR WHOM ONE CARES NOTHING. (Oscar Wilde)

* FLATTERERS LOOK LIKE FRIENDS the way wolves look like dogs.

* A MAN HAS MADE GREAT PROGRESS IN CUNNING when he does not seem too clever
to others.

* RE-ENLISTING IS LIKE SMACKING YOURSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER TWICE to
see if it hurt the first time. (P.J. Czahor)

* NEVER WRESTLE A PIG. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it.

* DEALING WITH THE GOVERNMENT IS LIKE KICKING A 300-POUND SPONGE.

* PRIDE MAKES SOME MEN RIDICULOUS but prevents others from becoming so.

* IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, no one will like it.

* MANY TIMES I HAVE WANTED TO STOP TALKING and find out what I really
believed.

* IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO UNDERSTAND THINGS in order to argue about them.

* OUR FRIENDS ABANDON US ONLY TOO EASILY and our enemies are implacable.
(Voltaire)

* KINDNESS IS IN OUR POWER, but fondness is not. (Samuel Johnson)

* Never get into a farting contest with a skunk.

* You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. (Neils Bohr to
Albert
Einstein)

* I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in a previous life.
(Paul
Krassner)

* If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there. (Timothy Leary?)

* Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good
spirits. (Robert Louis Stevenson)

* I am a deeply superficial person. (Andy Warhol)

* If it does not smell anymore, you are in it to the eyes.

* I think, therefore I'm confused.

* It's amazing to find how long it takes to complete something you're not
working on.

* The more you stir manure, the more it smells.

* Love is doomed to fail because men are stupid and women are crazy. (Matt
Groening)

* Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it. (Philip
K. Dick)

[marika]

Post by Just Wondering
Chastity is curable, if detected early.

I am SOOO happy to hear that you caught the chastity in time

Post by Just Wondering
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Oh yees delighted

Post by Just Wondering
Chernobyl used MACs

as for who to visit

Post by Just Wondering
Chicken heads are the chief food of captive alligators.

Dood it is just for a year.

Post by Just Wondering
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.

So stay away for a year

Post by Just Wondering
Choosy perverts choose GIF.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.

BUt I will say this much about the Valley

Post by Just Wondering
Christians do it with grace

The one thing I will miss is the fact that I can have Martinis in a
Mason
Jar and no one will care

mk5000

"this guy i knew laid out hershey' s kisses on my dorm room floor one
day while i was at class trying to be romantic i guess. but then i
walked in and it dark so i stepped all over them by
accident"--celestina henry

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

Yes, we could.

Canonical Religion


Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on heaven's
golf course. The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake. Moses,
the first to tee off, steps up and swings, and the ball dives right for
the water. He instantly spreads his arms, the water parts, and the
ball rolls across the bottom of the lake and up on to the green. The
others complement him on his shot, and then Jesus steps up for his turn.
Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the water, but when it gets
there, it just rolls across the surface of the lake, continuing until
it gets across and rolls up onto the green. After showering him
with complements, the old man steps up to take his shot. His ball
also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a turtle and
on to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the ball and heads
for the woods. As the others begin to laugh, a hawk swoops down and
picks up the squirrel. As the hawk flies over the green, it squeezes
the squirrel. The ball falls out of the squirrels mouth, bounces once
on the green, and then rolls into the cup. Jesus turns to the man and
says, "Nice shot dad!"

**

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it
ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and
when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball
onto the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the
water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit
the ball onto the green.

The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then
a big fish swallowed the ball and bagan the swim away. A hawk swooped down
and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly away. As the hawk
passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the
ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into
cup.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "look Dad, if you're going to
play, play fair."

**

A rabbi goes to heaven and meets God for the first time. A thought hits
him and asks God about what souls eat when they go to hell. God just goes
and tells him to look at what is being served. So the rabbi peeks down
below the clouds and behold it was mealtime in hell. The souls there were
being offered a seven-course meal with New York Strip, mashed pototoes,
tossed salad, cranberry sauce, and a bottle of wine was being passed
around. Meanwhile God informs the rabbi that it was time for his meal -
all he got was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He asks God why the
guys down there were getting the royal treatment while he had to eat - PBJ.
God replied: it simply does not pay to cook for two.

**

In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache
Valley
Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self
sufficient
for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a
second wife, as mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the
idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her.

"Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said
the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do". They went to
the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual
openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the
question: "heavenly father, should I take another wife?"

Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most
booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee
to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his
wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around
her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the
family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you
just as much."

Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've
been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I *never*
imagined that God was a Swede!"

**

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven, where he is brought before God. "A lawyer,
eh?" says God (who seems to be Canadian). "We've never had a lawyer in
Heaven
before. Argue a point of the law for my edification."

The lawyer goes into panic and says "Oh, God, I cannot think of an argument
worthy of your notice. But I'll tell you what: you argue a point of
the law
and I'll refute you."

**

A friend asks God where he's going on holiday this year and God
replies, "Certainly not earth again. I went there about 2 millenia ago,
got some girl pregnant - they haven't stopped talking about it since!"

**

A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up, and
says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie, astounded,
peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance. "God!" he
says. "What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you,
and you said we'd be in Heaven together forever!"

God thought for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk."

**

There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good at
it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him around
and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting a great
round, when he came upon the eighth hole. He started off with a
beautiful drive to down the fareway, and a nice chip to the
green. When he goes to putt the ball it rolls straight for the
hole, swerves, misses rolls down the hill and into the lake. The
priest enraged by this flub in an otherwise perfect round takes
out his sand wedge, bends it over his knee, and hurls it at a
tree. He then screams at the top of his lungs:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns are shocked and berate him saying, "You shouldn't
swear or GOD will get you."

The priest, a little abashed decides to continue his round.
Amazingly, he finds that his game is improving. However when he
gets to the thirteenth hole he drives a wicked slice into the
water hazard, takes his penalty and winds up ont he green one
under par. He putts the ball, it rolls straight for the hole
swerves rolls down the hill and into a gopher hole. The priest,
red with anger, takes his favorite driver and bashes it on a
nearby rock screaming:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns stare at him and say, "We're warning you, curb your
swearing or GOD will get you."

The priest ignoring them continues with his game and manages to
turn things around so that by the time he is at the eighteenth
hole he is shooting almost as good as his personal best. He
drives the ball from the tee on a par four to within two feet of
the cup. If he makes his next putt he will beat the clubhouse
record. He lines up his putt, swings, it rolls toward the hole
swerves, hits a rock bounces towards the lake where just before
it hits the water, a fish leaps up out of the water swallows the
ball and dives away. This makes the priest so furious that he
takes his entire bag and hurls it into the lake, screaming after
the fish:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns aghast declare, "That does it, now GOD is going to
get you."

Suddenly, dark clouds begin to gather, thunder booms, and
lightning strikes the two nuns dead disintegrated. And a big
booming voice shouts:

"DAMNIT, I missed"

**

Q: How can you make God laugh?
A: Tell Him your plans for the future.

=========================================================================

HEAVEN/PEARLY GATES

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, I
have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your
wife? The guy answers; "Yes, I never even looked at another women."
St.Peter
says-"See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while
your in
heaven". The second guy gets the same question, and answers:"Once I
strayed,
but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St.
Peter says " See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in
heaven".
The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased
every bit
of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, ok, but you
were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use
while
your in heaven. The three guys go off on their seperate ways.

A few weeks later #2 and #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see
#1's
Rolls Royce parked outside of a BAR. They stop and GO INTO THE BAR and find
#1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his
hands on
the bar. They come up to him and #2 says;"Bud, what could possibly be so
bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He
says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 answer that's great! What's the
problem" He answers: "She was riding a bicycle!"

**

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once in a lifetime chance
for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours,
he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that
only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need
to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if
there is?" The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not
know the answer to your quesiton, my son, but I will talk to God
and get back with you." The next day, the man is called for another
audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He
stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news
and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is
that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine
and is in eternally perfect shape. It puts all courses on earth
to shame. The bad news is that you have a tee time for tomorrow
morning."

**

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To
his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the
long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St.
Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and
guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair
by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but
what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added
up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my
calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

**

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the
Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent
discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows
up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing
out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them
to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate
with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is
where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the
end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's
getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape
below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally
land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates
the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns
to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best. The Pope, in a mild
state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here?
You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the
pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is
practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and
religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get
your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's
the first non-damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

**

A lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing
his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he
knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed
in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime
to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15
cents and tell him to go to hell."

**

A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes
to heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in
life, you may enter heaven."
"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell
me what kind of other people are here?"
"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, some," said St. Peter.
"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man.
"Just a few," said St. Peter.
"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"

**

The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started
to make even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got
Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or
I'll sue."
On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the
lawyers down here. And besides, how can I fix it when you have all
the good engineers?"

**

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly
gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to
him "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving
lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes
to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at
the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a
busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." The others say "You're
in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line
and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for
lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a
lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the
line and no-one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of
him, "who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy,
"He likes to play doctor."

**

Saint Peter was at his post at the pearly gates, and was in
somewhat of a bad mood. Today only couples were on line to get
in.

"Next!", he called out, in a bored fashion. Up stepped a couple.

"Name?" asked St.Peter.

"Goldberg", replied the husband.

St. Peter slowly looked up from his desk, looked them over for a
moment, and finally asked with a bit of a sneer: "You Jewish?"

"Why, yes" said Mr. Goldberg, somewhat surprised.

St. Peter then leaned forward, pointing his finger at them, and
said "You know, I don't like Jewish people. You're cheap! Always
grubbing for money...cheating people...I don't know if I want to
let you two in here today. So what's your wife's name?"

"Penny" replied Mr. Goldberg.

"PENNY!!!" exclaimed St. Peter. "Look at that, you even named your
wife after money! Get outta here!... try again some other time."

"Next!", he called out, still agitated. Up stepped the next couple.

"Name?" asked St.Peter.

"Murphy", replied the husband.

Again St. Peter slowly looked up from his desk, looked them over
for a moment, and asked with a sneer: "You Irish?"

"Why, yes" said Mr. Murphy.

St. Peter again leaned forward, pointing his finger at them, and
said "You know, I don't like Irish people. You drink too much!
Always getting drunk on St. Patrick's Day and throwing-up all over
the streets...beating up your husbands, wives and kids during
drunken rages...I don't know if I want to let you two in here
today. So what's your wife's name?"

"Sherri" replied Mr. Murphy.

"SHERRI!!!" exclaimed St. Peter. "Look at that, you even named your
wife after a drink! Get outta here!... try again some other time."

Meanwhile, several couples back, a Greek man overhearing all of
this turns to his wife and says "Let's get out of here Fanny,
there's no way we're getting in here today."

**

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

**

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly
gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of
lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to
answer
a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the
garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates.
St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
gates!

**

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

**

A busload of priests have an accident, all of them were killed instantly.
On arriving at the pearly gates, they find there's a terrible queue.

St Peter is there looking at a big book, jotting down notes, mumbling
occaisionally. There is a person standing in front of his desk being
processed. After some time St Peter says "Next" and another person or
family steps up. For some reason race and nationality seems difficult
for the priests to distinguish.

The wait seems to take forever, there is an enormous number of people
waiting, and St. Peter doesn't seem to be hurrying.

People are arriving all the time, some in mangled states, some famished
and some looking "normal" . Then a dishevelled man comes in, cigarette
but hanging from his lips like it had taken root. The stubble on his
chin looked as though it could sand diamonds.

He stands at the back of the queue like everyone else. St Peter however
spies him and stands up and comes over to him.

"Oh come in... Come in... welcome... No need to queue, we have you already
processed... Your residence is in order. Special treatment for you."

The priests have something to say about that. "Hey" says their spokesman.
"How come he gets the special treatment? We are afterall men of God."

"That man..." says St Peter, "Was a taxi driver. He has scared the HELL
out of more people than any of you lot."

**

A man dies, and finds himself in heaven. St. Peter offers to give him the
tour. They walk around a little, and the man sees Samoans worshiping God
in a Samoan way, and Zoroastrians worshiping in a Zoroastrian way, and
Eskimos worshiping in an Eskimo way, and so on...on and on, till at one
point they come to an enormous fortress made of stone, completely sealed
off, with no windows or doors. Dimly, from within, they can hear the
sound of wild partying. "Shhh," says St. Peter. "Be very quiet." The
two tiptoe past the fortress in utter silence, and when they have left
it a way behind, the man turns to St. Peter and says, "Why did we have to
be so quiet back there? What's in the fortress?" St. Peter answers,
"Oh, those are the Catholics. They don't know anyone else is here."

**

Und wo wir gerade dabei sind, einen f"ur Theologen:
Karl Barth kommt in den Himmel. (F"ur Nicht-Theologen: Das ist so ein
bekannter evangelischer Theologe der es mit der Dogmatik hatte...)
Petrus begr"usst ihn freundlich, meint aber: "Also, wir wollen
Dich hier schon reinlassen, aber vorher m"ussen wir Dich erstmal
pr"ufen, ob Du das auch alles verstanden hast, was Du da unten
so verzapft hast, mit der Dogmatik etc." Schickt ihn dann also
in so einen Nebenraum, wo Gott, Jesus und der Heilige Geist schon
warten. Die T"ur geht zu und Petrus wartet draussen.

Eine Stunde vergeht, zwei Stunden, drei Stunden. Petrus wird schon
langsam nerv"os. Sieben Stunden sp"ater springt dann endlich die
T"ur auf, Jesus st"urzt heraus, v"ollig fertig. Petrus fragt ihn:
"Na, was ist, warum hat es so lange gedauert, ist er durchgefallen?"
Jesus: "Karl Barth? Nein, der nicht, aber der Heilige Geist!"

[translation]

And while we're on the subject, one for the theologians: Karl Bath
goes to Heaven (For the non-theologians: Karl Bath is a well-known
evangelical theoretician on religious dogma) St. Peter greets him in a
friendly way, but says "We would like to let you in, but we have to
quiz you to make sure you have a good understanding of the religious
theory." So he sends Karl into the next room, where God, Jesus, and
the Holy Ghost are already waiting. Peter shuts the door, and waits
outside. One hour goes by, then two, and three. Peter slowly starts
to get nervous. Seven hours later, the door bangs open, and Jesus
storms out, completely pissed. Peter asks him, "What could it be that
took so long, is he damned?" Jesus replies: "Karl Bath? No, but the
Holy Ghost is!"

**

Der Papst, Kardinal Meissner (vom Erzbistum Koeln) und Drewermann
(Kirchenkritiker und ehem. Pfarrer) kommen in den Himmel. Petrus oeffnet
die Tuer: "Hallo zusammen, ich lasse Euch ja gerne rein, aber erst muesst
Ihr noch bei unserem Vorstand vorstellig werden !" Die drei nicken
zustimmend. Erst geht der Papst in das Zimmer. Drin sitzen Gott, Jesus und
der heilige Geist. Nach einer Stunde kommt der Papst wieder raus. "Na, wie
war's ?" - "Naja", meint der Papst,"ich muss nochmal runter auf die Erde,
ich habe etwas verkehrt gemacht." - und verschwand. Danach geht Kardinal
Meissner rein. Nach 3 Stunden kommt er wieder raus. Petrus und Drewermann
fragen wiederum: "Na, wie war's ?" - "Naja", sagt Meissner, "ich muss
nochmal
runter auf die Erde, ich habe etwas verkehrt gemacht..." - und verschwand.
Zu guter letzt geht Drewermann rein, Petrus wartet noch auf ihn. Es vergehen
2 Stunden, 3 Stunden,... Nach 6 Stunden kommt Jesus aus dem Zimmer
geschossen.
Petrus fragt: "Was machst Du denn hier ?" - "Naja",sagt Jesus, "ich muss
nochmal runter auf die Erde..."

[tranlation, rough]

The Pope, Cardinal Meissner nad Drewermann are entering heaven. St. Peter
tells them that they must first be questioned to make sure that they have
learned enough on earth to get into heaven. The Pope goes in first, and
comes out after an hour. St Peter asked him if he got into heaven, and
he replies, "No, I have to go back to earth to learn a few more things."
Cardinal Meissner goes for his interview and is gone for three hours.
When he returns, St. Peter asks the same question. The reply is, "No,
I have to go back to earth to learn a few more things." Then it's
Drewermann's turn to be questioned. Time passes ... 2 hours ... 3 hours
... 4 hours. Finally, after 6 hours pass, Jesus comes out. St. Peter,
curious to figure out what is going on, asks, "What's happening in there?"
Jesus replies, "I have to go back to earth .... "

**

There was once a noble man who died at the age of sixty five and then
proceeded towards heaven. At the pearly gates, he was met by St.Peter who
asked him whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell. He gave him a chance
to take a tour of both and decide for himself.

First, he was taken to heaven where he was shown people praying and in
general leading a very austere kind of existence. Then he was taken on a
grand tour of hell where he saw people were drinking and having a good
time, lots of good looking women and in general, a lot of merrymaking.

When taken back to St.Peter, he asked to be put in hell. Suddenly, a
huge servant from hell pulled him gruffly by the arm and took him to hell.
But he was shocked to see that there were people being tortured everywhere
and lots of boiling oil and devilish creatures. He exclaimed to the
attendant - "this was not what I was shown a short while ago".

To this the attendant laughed and replied - "Oh, that was our demo model!"

**

Three people walk up to St. Peter, hoping to enter heaven, but he has a
little test for them first. He asks the first man why we celebrate Easter,
and the man says, "Oh that's the day when we get really dressed up in fun
costumes and go trick or treating right?" St. Peter is disgusted and he
sends the man to hell. The second man comes to the gate and St. Peter
asks him the same question, and this man says, "Oh this is when we eat
turkey
and celebrate all of the things that we are thankful for right?" Peter
couldn't beleive it, he sent the second man to hell and called the third
man up. He again asked the man why Easter is so important, and why we
celebrate it, and this man says "Oh, that is easy. Jesus came to the earth
and he was crucified, and burried in a cave.." St. Peter sighed because his
faith in man was restored but then he heard the man say..."and then Jesus
rose up and exited the cave......and if he sees his shadow we get another
3 months of winter right?"

**

A lawyer shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Normally we don't
let you people in here but you're in luck, we have a special this week.
You go to hell for the length of time you were alive, then you get to come
back up here for eternity."
The lawyer says, "I'll take the deal."
St. Peter says, "Good, I'll put you down for 212 years in hell ..."
The lawyer says, "What are you talking about? I'm 65 years old!"
St. Peter says, "Up here we go by billing hours."
-- Orson Bean

**

A group of new arrivals were sitting in the reception room in
heaven, waiting for their turn to see St. Peter. On the walls of the
reception room were hundreds of clocks all ticking properly along.
Every once in a while, however, a clock would suddenly move ahead
several minutes in one jump.
Curious, one fellow who was waiting turned to the receptionist
and said, "Excuse me, but why do some of those clocks jump ahead
now and then?"
The receptionist answered, "Oh, those are the clocks that
keep track of the days that people still have to live on Earth.
Each person has a clock. Every time they do something sneaky or
bad, they lose some of their allotted time on Earth and their
clock jumps ahead a few minutes."
Interested, the man asked, "Can I see my little daughter's
clock?"
"Sure, said the receptionist," and showed him a clock that ticked
calmly and steadily along.
"Now, can I see my wife's clock, please?" asked the man.
"Why not?" said the receptionist and showed him a clock that for
the most part ran smoothly, once in a great while jumping ahead
two or three minutes at once.
The man said, "You know, I was a good Democrat back there on
Earth. Can I see Bill Clinton's clock?"
"I'm afraid not," said the receptionist. "It's down in
the accounting department. Their air conditoning broke this morning
and they're using it for an electric fan."

**

HEAVEN IS WHERE:

The police are British
The mechanics are German
The cooks are French
The lovers are Italian
And the whole thing is organized by the Swiss;

HELL IS WHERE:

The police are German
The cooks are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
And the whole thing is organized by the Italians!

**

This one is normally told to more than one person at a time:

Describe the situation which you find yourself and the listening parties
and then add the fact that some horrible disater happens and you all find
yourselves dead and in hell standing before a man introducing himself as
Satan himself.

Satan says that he is quite busy do to the horrible disaster that has just
occured and that you and your listeners will have to take care of
yourselves and points out that there are just enough doors as are people
and that everyone must pick a door at random and thats how they will spend
eternity. At this satan exits.

You, figuring what the heck, go up and choose a door and as you look inside
and see many people hung by their thumbs and up to their necks in shit, flys
and other insects buzzing around (at this point you may make up your own
torture of eternity is you like), suddenly you here a loud, deep voice say
*insert your name* you are doomed to spend eternity hung up to your neck in
shit by your thumbs.

Continue this general form for the others listening except for one specially
chosen person. When you get to the last person he opens the door and sees
Heather Locklear (or any other superbabe or dude) lying on a giant king
size bed wearing a tiny little silk teddy, when suddenly the loud, deep
voice
booms out HEATHER LOCKLEAR you are doomed to spend eternity..........

**

John Smith [or your favourite politician] dies and goes to heaven. At the
pearly gates he is net by St. Peter and led in. St. Peter speaks:

"Well John, you committed a few weeny sins while you were alive, didn't you?
Lying is something we're a bit hot on at the moment, and, as a
politician..."

"Say no more" says John Smith, "you've got me there."

"Right then, since you did so much good generally for your country, we're
prepared to let you in, but you'll have to do penance for two years. You
will have to spend that time with this woman."

At this, the most hideously deformed, smelly, gossipping woman appears.
Smith appears to blanch slightly, but says: "Fair enough, I guess it's
worth it for eternity in paradise."

"Good man, this way now."

St. Peter leads them through a door into a vast chamber, filled with white
robed couples, chatting and laughing with each other. Sweet music and the
aroma of rose blossom fills the air, and angels and cherubs flutter about.
Suddenly, Smith notices his old rival, John Major [or your least favourite
politician], whose death had preceeded his by a matter of weeks. Amazingly,
he is arm in arm with Cindy Crawford [or your favourite woman].

"What the hell is this" storms Smith. Major was the worst thing to happen
to my country for 200 years. He destroyed everything I stood for, and was
totally dishonest in doing it. How come I get 2 years with this hag, while
he gets to cavort with Cindy?"

"Steady on" says St. Peter, "let me explain. That's not Major doing his
penance, it's Cindy doing hers!"

**

The British Intelligence Chief (James Bond's boss M) sends James Bond on a
secret mission to heaven. When M didn't hear from Bond for over a day, he
got worried and called up heaven. Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says
"Virgin Mary speaking". M asks her if Bond has reached there yet and she
says no.

M waits another few hours and calls Heaven back again. "Virgin Mary
speaking"
comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M and the response is no
again.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then
calls Heaven back again. "Mary here" comes the response.

**

Do you suppose Heaven is on the net? The White House is, so why not?
Suggested addresses:

***@throne.heaven.supreme_gov
***@pearly_gates.heaven.supreme_gov
***@crucifix.heaven.supreme_gov

And what about Hell?

***@fire_pit.hell.supreme_gov

[further suggestions from the net?]

**

A rabbi was visiting his old friend, a priest. The rabbi had never seen the
practices in the church so he asks his friend if he could attend one of his
sermons. The father says OK. After the sermon the confessions begin. The
rabbi
asks if he could sit behind and listen to the confessions. The priest
agrees. A
young man steps in the confessional and says
" Father, Father I have sinned".
"What did you do my son" the priest asks.
"I slept with three women during the past week."
"Are you married?"
"No"
"You have committed a great sin but I can help you. Pray the lord, sing
gospels
and hail Mary and donate $100 to the church."
After a few minutes another man enters the confessional and says the same
things. The priest asks him to the do the same things and tells him to
donate
$100 to the church.
At this point the priest gets a phone call and has to leave. Before
leaving he
asks the rabbi tif he could take over the duties for a few minutes and rabbi
says "Don't worry. It's a piece of cake."
A few minutes later a young woman enters the confessional.
"Father, Father I have sinned."
"What did you do my child?" asks the rabbi.
"I slept with a married man."
"How many men did you sleep with?" asks the rabbi
"Just one"
"Are you sure you did not sleep with three men?"
"Yes , I am sure"
The rabbi thinks for a minute and says;
"You have definitely committed a sin but I will help you. Pray the Lord,
Sing
gospels and Hail Marys and donate $100 to the church and now the church
owes you
two fucks."

**

Chaucer and Shakespeare died. St. Peter told them there was only one
spot remaining in heaven. The one to compose the best 4-liner ending
in "Timbuktu" got into heaven. They came back a day later and
Shakespeare recited:

Two caravans in the desert heat,
Their paths crossed and they did meet,
Side by side, two by two,
They headed off to Timbuktu.

Chaucer grinned and recited:

We were in the desert, my friend Tim and I,
A maidens' harem we did spy,
But they were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two!

Guess who got into Heaven?

**

A Catholic, a Jew, and an Episcopalian were lined up at the pearly gates.
The Catholic asks to get in and St. Peter says, "Nope, sorry." "Why not?"
says the Catholic, "I've been good." "Well, you ate meat on a Friday in
Lent, so I can't let you in." The Jew walks up and again St. Peter says
no. The Jew wants an explanation so St. Peter replies, "There was that
time you ate pork...sorry, you have to go to the other place." Then the
Episcopalian goes up and asks to be let in and St. Peter again says
no. "Why not?" asks the Episcopalian, "What did I do wrong?" "Well,"
says St. Peter, "you once ate your entree with the salad fork."

::

This guy dies and gets sent down to Hell. When he arrives, Satan
(aka Reagan/Bush/Clinton for the benfit of some of our Islamic
Fundamentalist friends)meets him in the reception room and says to him "OK,
now you've got to choose the room in which you will spend the rest of
eternity" and he points towards three doors on the other side of the room.

The guy goes through the first door. Beyond was a vast room with a
concrete floor. The room was full of people standing on their heads.
"That floor looks a bit hard" said the guy "I think I'll try next
door"

So he tries the next door, and finds himself if another vast room,
this time with a wooden floor. Again the room is full of people
standing on their heads. "I Don't like the look of this" he
said, "I'd get splinters of wood in my head" So he tries the third
and final door.

This time, the room is full of people sitting on chairs knee-deep in
shit, eating biscuits and drinking cups of tea. "Hmm" he said to himself
"I suppose that spending eternity sitting on a chair with my legs dangling
in shit isn't such a bad thing, at least I'll have something to eat and
drink"
So he went back to where Satan was waiting for him and told him about the
decision he had made.

"Very well," said Satan "you shall spend eternity in the third room"
and he escorts the guy back to the door. As he opens the door he
hears a voice shouting "OK everybody, tea-break's over...back on your
heads!!"

=========================================================================
JESUS

Q&A

Q: If Jesus had an ad agency pushing his product, what would his slogan be?
A: "This Blood's for you!"

Q: Have you found Jesus?
A: No, I didn't even know he was missing!

Q: Have you spoken with the Lord today?
A: No, but give me a buck and I'll drop him a postcard.

Q: Why were most of Jesus' apostles fishemen and NOT cabinet makers?
A: If they were cabinet makers, Jesus would have had to say, "Drop your
drawers and follow me!"
::

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
A: because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!

**

Some thoughts on Jesus and Elvis:
---------------------------------

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."
(John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to
Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden
Tribute)

"[Jesus'] clothes became a dazzling white" (Mark 9:3 NIV)
Elvis' snow-white jumpsuits dazzled audiences.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception
High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to
be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

**

Did you hear about the blond who thought Jesus was a giant teddy bear
called Gladly who had something wrong with his eyes because everytime
she went to church they would sing "Gladly the cross I'd bear"!!!

**

Jesus was on his travels, when he came up to a lonely little town, miles
from
anywhere. As one does when one is the Son of God, he went in in an
attempt to
spread the Good News. Understandably, he was shocked when the first thing he
saw was a huge crowd of people gathering rocks; in the early ADs, this only
meant one thing. He followed the crowd until they arrived at the village's
place of punishment, at which point a woman was hurled into the centre and
bombarded for a few seconds. Naturally, Jesus leapt in and stopped
proceedings.

"Tell me, what has this woman done to deserve death?"
"She is an harlot, rabbi."
"Hmpf." And then, in a voice like thunder, "Who among you claims to be
Jehovah? Which of you has the right to judge her? Let the person who is
without blame in this regard be the person that can judge her."

And there was complete silence. Until, from the midst of the crowd, a single
stone arced gracefully over every head, and caught the harlot straight
between
the eyes.

And Jesus said, "Mother, you can be a real pain sometimes...."

**

Bumper sticker:
Jesus is coming!
(And boy is he *pissed*!)

**

Become a Catholic, be led by sexual perverts, engage in ritual canibalism,
and pretend that the Trinity is really one god so you can claim to be
monotheistic (at least when talking to the comatose...).

**

Jesus Saves

Basic theme is
"Jesus walks on water -- he's the lifeguard at the pool!" gets
repeated three times, then the chorus is "Jesus saves, jesus
saves, Jesus saves." Just like when you were at summer camp.

Let's see:

Jesus puts his money in the Chase Manhatten Bank
Jesus trades in green stamps for a new Mercedes Benz
Jesus buys his groceries on double coupon days
Jesus buys reduced meats at the local discount store

**

Heard some two thousand years ago at a river in the middle east:

"I don't care who your father is! You're not going to walk
where I'm fishing!"

**

All this talk has reminded me that only 12 months ago Jesus returned
and ended up by the side of the River Severn in Worcestershire, and
confronted an old boy who was sat fishing.

"I am Jesus - I have come to save to all from the horrors that be"
exclaimed the great one.

"Sod off, you're scaring the fish" answered the old one.

"NO, you don't understand - I have returned to save the earth, now
tell me, where should I start ?"

The old boy thinks for a while and tells him to perform a miracle,
then he would believe that this is truly The Lord.

"Walk across the river" he tells Jesus.

So Jesus starts walking across the river, and the water is lapping
round his ankles - then around his shins, then his knees. This starts
worrying him, but continues knowing that he can do it. Next thing he
knows, he slips and disappears under the water, and nearly drowns. He
manages to claw his way back to the shore, and the old man says to him
"There you are, see, you're not Jesus, you can't walk across water"

Jesus responds, " Well, I used to be able to do it until I got these
darned nail holes in my feet!"

**

Jesus is going through the countryside, very tired from the whole
resurrection thing (crucifiction can be soooooo tiring!).

He comes to an inn and puts three nails on the counter and says to
the innkeeper: "Can you put me up for the night?"

**

Jesus and Moses were playing golf.
On a long hole with a water trap Jesus pulls out a five iron. Moses tells
him the iron is too short for the hole, but Jesus insists saying, "I've seen
Arnold Palmer do this a milion times." When Jesus drives the ball into the
water trap he asks Moses to split the water so he can get the ball, but
Moses
refuses. As Jesus is walking on the water looking for the ball a foursome
comes up and asks Moses "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

To which Moses replies, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

**

I was reading the New York Times and there was an article saying there is
now proof that Jesus was Irish. The researcher, Melanie Leahy, PHD Case
Western, said the proof was "indelible and unreproachable"
She said the facts are :
1. He lived with his parents until he was 29.
2. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
3. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, the good woman, god
bless her, thought he was god.

::

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He
approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:
"What's troubling you, brother?" he said.
"My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't
see."
Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20
vision.
The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched
his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the
door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.
The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even
before Jesus could greet him.
"Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on
disability!"

::

A small factory in the northwest, Anderson Nails, had been experiencing
years of success and growth. Feeling that he was ready to try for the
big time, the owner (Anderson, of course) contracted a big Madison Avenue
agency to help him promote his product.

Aiming to get the greatest possible exposure, the agency booked a full
minute at the beginning of the Super Bowl halftime show. Anderson was
pretty excited about this, and invited all of his friends and relatives
to his home for a big Super Bowl party.

At the end of the first half, everybody drew closer to the TV, wanting to
see the premiere of the commercial. It began with an arial shot of the
desert, and zoomed in on a small walled city. As the camera slowly panned
about the city, it became apparent that this was Jerusalem, during the
Roman occupation. A large hill on the horizon came into view, and as the
camera drew closer, a number of crosses became visible. The focus settled
on a naked man in a crown of thorns, then moved in for an extreme closeup
of his bleeding hands, and the nails which held them to the cross. The
nails were stamped with the Anderson Nails logo. A subtitle appeared on
the screen, bearing the words "Anderson Nails--the Expert's Choice".

Anderson's guests were horrified. The party broke up before the end of
the game. The next day, he began to get phone calls from his oldest and
most loyal customers, expressing their outrage and cancelling their orders.
By the end of the week, his sales were down to nothing.

He called the president of the advertising agency to cancel his contract.
When Anderson explained the situation, the ad-man was surprised, and
offered to run a new campaign at no charge.

The new campaign was slated to start in a few weeks time (not too long
before Easter, as it turned out). This time, Anderson nervously watched
the commercial alone in the privacy of his office.

It began the same way as before, with an arial view of Jerusalem. The
camera finally settled on two Roman soldiers drinking wine at a table
near the marketplace. Hearing a disturbance nearby, they look up from
their drinks in time to see a naked man, with bleeding hands and feet,
being pursued by a group of soldiers. The first soldier looks at his
companion, smiles knowingly, and says "they didn't use Anderson nails!"

::

After two thousand or so years, Jesus returns to Earth and finds it much
changed. All confused, he goes off to Jerusalem to seek out the chief rabbi
not being aware that there's this Christianity thing that kind of gathered
some steam since he was last here).
He goes to the chief rabbi and shouts "What am I going to do rabbi ?"
"Excuse me" says the rabbi, "but do I know you ?"
"Of course, it's me, J.C. " he says, getting a little panicked.
"I'm sorry, I just don't recognise you.... wait, you are vaguely familiar"
"Yes, yes..." says J.C., getting excited.
"Could you just raise your arms, kind of perpendicular to your body... and
lean against that bookcase"
"Sure" says Jesus "then you'll remember"
No sooner does Jesus assume the position, but the rabbi grabs a hammer and
nails from his desk drawer and starts to hammer vigorously "You won't get
away this time!!".

=========================================================================

MONKS

A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to
spend the
rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to
take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to
which the
man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking."

Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that
he was
a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him.
As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had
anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."

The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the
abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance,
and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said:
"Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again
the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had
ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and
said:
"I quit."

To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me.
You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

**

Two men visiting a monastery see a monk frying some fish and chips. One says
to the other: 'is that the fish friar?'. The other says, 'no, it's the
chipmonk'.

**

Did you hear about the giant rat that swallowed the monk? They tried to
free
him, but all they could do was pull the habit out of the rat.

/---------8[---------8[---------cut here --------->8--------->8---------\

rev 01/03/95

A D M I N I S T R I V I A

D I S C L A I M E R S

This is the Canonical List of Religious Humor. Several of the jokes here
are vulgar or would be considered heretical. If you can't handle it,
don't read it. If you do read it, and find you can't handle it, talk
with the higher layers of your church administration, as they most
likely provide some of the best fodder for the jokes. Also, if you find
something you don't like, don't assume that I feel the way the joke does.
God gave us freedom of thought, and the Bill of Rights gives us free
speech (at least here in the U.S., some of the rest of the world has to
be more careful). Because of this, if someone wants a joke included in
this list, it will be, so long as the subject of the joke fits the topical
nature of the list.

S U B M I S S I O N S

This makes a nice lead in to the second subject, submission of additons
to the list. Please mail additions to ***@nyx.cs.du.edu. I will
try to catch all of those that I see posted, but sometimes I go on long
trips and am forced to forego rec.humor for a couple of weeks, so it
would be best if you mail to me in addition to posting your joke.

L I S T O R G A N I Z A T I O N

The list is organized as follows:

Part I
GOD
HEAVEN/PEARLY GATES
JESUS
MONKS

Part II
MINISTERS
MISC
NON-ENGLISH

Part III
NUNS
RELIGIONS

N E W M A T E R I A L

Each new item in the list has been separated by a line which contains
only 2 colons '::' This was done to assist vetran readers in locating
what has changed since the last distribution.

G E T T I N G C O P I E S

There are a couple of ways to get copies of this list. The simplest is to
go to http://www.visi.com/~nathan/humor/canon/index.html

The second method is to use your news reader to mail the files to yourself,
and then save the files from your mailer.

If the first two methods don't work for you, let me know, and, subject to my
own time constraints, I will mail you a copy.
=========================================================================

MINISTERS

A mature woman was in the pastoral study receiving counseling for her
upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my
husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a
married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father,
my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was
talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd
get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gyneocologist and all he did was
look. But his time, father, I'm marying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm
going to get screwed."

**

The new priest, at his first sermon, was so afraid he could hardly
speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor
how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week, it might help if
you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything
should go smoothly."

The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice,
and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor
how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things
you should learn before you address the congregation again."

First-- Next time, sip the vodka rather than gulping it down.

Second-- There are 10 Commandments and 12 Disciples, not
12 Commandments and 10 Disciples.

Third-- David Slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

Fourth-- We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his
Desciples as the late J.C. and the boys, nor do we
refer to the cross as the "Big T."

Fifth-- The Father, Son & Holy Ghost are not Big Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook.

Sixth-- It's the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry.

Seventh-- Next Sunday's event is a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's.

**

A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home
early.
To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet,
the lover
soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongs to, he
discovers, the woman's young son.
"Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy.
"Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man.
"Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream."
"Please, kid, don't scream."
"Can I have some money?" asked the boy.
"Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got."
The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on.
"I really feel like screaming."
"No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream."
"Well, I don't know"
"Here's the last of my money, just don't scream."
The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. Later, he went with his
mother to
a store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy it
with his
new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source of this money.
So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in to see the local pastor in
confession.
"Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure
is dark
in here."
"Don't start that with me again," said the priest.

**

A priest and a rabbi found themselves seated together on a long trans
Atlantic
flight. They started talking and became quite friendly. The priest
slyly said
to the rabbi, "Tell me the truth Rabbi. Have you ever tried a ham sandwich?

The rabbi confessed that he had once tried a ham sandwich. Then he asked the
priest, "You guys are supposed to be celebate. Have you ever had sex with a
woman?" The priest confessed that he had. "Beats the hell out of a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?" asked the rabbi.

**

Said the Episcopalian priest to the Presbyterian minister:

"After all, we are both doing the Lord's work -- you in your way, and
I in His."

**

Farmer Brown is working hard in his garden. It's a fabulous garden.
It has been meticulously weeded, watered, and fertilized. The plants
are all flourishing and beautiful.

Along comes the parson, he says, "Glory be there, Farmer Brown. Ain't
it a mirucuhl what the Lord can do in a garden?"

Farmer Brown sez, "Reckon so, Pastor, but ya shoulda' seed it when he
had it all to hisself."

**

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he
stopped
him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"

The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"

The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my
shirt backwards!"

Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"

To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts
backwards!"

**

The pope went to a steak restaurant where the waiters called orders
for rare steak into the kitchen by yelling, "One bloody steak!" The pope,
trying hard to fit in, offers, "...And an order of fucking fries!"

**

A lady was having a conversation with a (catholic) priest :

L: I have a female parrot, very beautiful, but it constantly says
very obscene things.

P: Oh, but I have a parrot too, a male, which prays all the time.
Let's put them together.

So they brought the female parrot to the priest house. As soon as
the male parrot sees the female, it screams :
"Thank you my God, my prayers have been answered !"

**

Two brothers went to confession, the younger one went in first. The priest
always liket to ask questions to the children before their confession so the
priest asked the little boy, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy ran
out and told his brother, "Let's get the hell out of here, the priest lost
God and wants to blame it on me!"

**

A priest and a businessman were playing golf. After playing for a while,
the businessman's game takes a turn for the worse.
"Damn! I missed!" he swears as his ball lands in a sand bunker.
The priest is understandably shocked and admonishes the businessman:
"Do not swear, my son, or God will punish you."
The next time the businessman fails, however, he exclaims again:
"Damn! I missed!"
The priest grows angry and scolds him severely:
"My son, you place yourself in great jeopardy by your words!"
But alas, as the businessman's ball again fails to roll where he wants
it to, he yells loudly:
"*Damn*, I missed!"
Suddenly a lightning bolt strikes from the clear sky and reduces the
priest to a pile of smoldering ash. A booming voice from
heaven then shouts:
"D A M N ! I M I S S E D !"

**

A priest was praying for guidance:
"Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?"
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a
booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven:
"R E A D T H E F * C K I N G F A Q !"

**

The Pope was in the middle of an audience when his principal
advisor whispered in his ear, "Your holiness, I hate to interrupt,
but the Messiah is on the phone and he wants to talk to you."

The Pope excused himself so he could take the call in private.

A few minutes later he came back out with a somber expression.
He said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is that the call WAS from the messiah, and the time of the second
coming IS at hand. The bad news is that he was calling from
Salt Lake City." [Red Skelton]

**

The Pope and Ted Kennedy die at the same time and meet on the way to
their prospective destinations. After a brief discussion they proceed
on, but due to some unforeseen confusion, Ted winds up in Heaven and the
Pope goes to Hell!

After a few hours, the error is caught and they again meet on the way to
their final resting places.

The Pope say, "Boy, I was worried for awhile. I always wanted to meet
the Virgin Mary."

Says Ted, "I think you're too late."

**

from Dave Allen (Irish Comedian)

So the priest is talking to the minister, and he's complaining that
someone's stolen his bicycle. The minister replies, "Well, I've
had things go missing too. What I always do is to give a sermon on
the Ten Commandments, and really lay into `thou shalt not steal'.
Usually, the item just turns up by Tuesday." The priest agrees, and
they go their separate ways.

The next week, the minster meets the priest again, and asks whether
he got the bike back. "Oh, yes! I did just what you said,
and when I got to the bit about coveting thy neighbor's wife, I
remembered just where I'd left it!"

**

Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a
dry, desert parish. He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting
that he be posted somewhere more hospitable. No reply to his letters ever
came, and soon the letters stopped.

Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural
churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing. He found
a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church. There were no parishoners,
since the closest neighbors were many miles away. The archbishop admitted
to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer
of so many letters. He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert.

"At first I was unhappy. But thanks to two things I have grown to love it
out here in the sparse desert."

"And they are?" the archibishop inquired.

"The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out
here."

"And the second?"

At this the priest looked askance. "Well, to be honest, I have developed a
taste for martinis in the afternoon. They help to alleviate the heat
during the worst part of the day." He looked sheepish at this admission,
but the archbishop just smiled.

"Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad. In fact, I'd be glad to share one
with you right now, if you don't mind that is."

"Not at all!" the priest exulted. "Let me get one for you right away."

Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."

**

Top 6 Complaints of Priests

6. Priestly robes are so tight, they make your underwear ride up
5. People who use the collection basket as a change machine
4. Walking into the church at 4 in the morning to find some hooker
using it for a different kind of service
3. Having to help lift a really fat woman after she genuflects
2. Everytime the choir hits a high note, it shatters some of the
stained-glass windows
1. Everyone seems to be looking at them

**

En un seminario el Padre Superior esta a punto de ordenar sacerdotes
a Pepe, Pepo y Pipo, pero tiene sus dudas acerca de la vocacion de estos
sujetos, asi que compra un Playboy y les dice que se aten una campanita en
ese sitio que estas pensando.

Llama a Pepe, y le ensegna la portada; inmediatamente se oye tilin,
tilin. "Que salvajada, que escandalo, vaya ahora mismo a tomar una ducha
fria, a ver si arreglamos esto".

Llama a Pepo y le ensegna la portada, pero no pasa nada, asi que le
ensegna el poster central; entonces se oye tilin, tilin y le dice "Venga,
dese una duchita fria"

Entonces llama a Pipo. Le ensegna la portada, el poster, y toda la
revista, pero no pasa nada. "Muy bien, Pipo, estoy sinceramente orgulloso de
ti. Te voy a ordenar sacerdote ahora mismo, pero antes date una ducha con
Pepe y Pepo" Tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin.

The abbot of a monastary was about to ordain three new priests, Pepe,
Pepo, and Pipo, but he had some doubts about their virtue. So he
bought a Playboy and had them each tie on a little bell beneath their
robes.

He called in Pepe, and showed him the Playboy. Immediately he heard
"ring, ring." Good Lord," said the abbot, "This is terrible. I am
ashamed of you. I can still ordain you, but first we'll give you a
cold enema to see if we can fix this."

Next he called in Pepe, and showed him the Playboy. Nothing happened,
so then he unfolded the centerfold, and heard "ring ring." "A little
better," said the abbot, but it's still a cold enema for you.

Last he called in Pipo. He showed his the cover, then the centerfold,
and the entire magazine, and didn't hear a thing. "Excellent," said
the abbot, "I'm genuinely proud of you. You will be ordained
immediately. Your first job will be to give Pepe and Pepo over there
a couple of cold enemas." Ring, ring, ring, ring....

**

There were three priests who were on their way to Pittsburg for a
convention.
When they arrived at the train station, all three were taken aback by the
scantily clad, BUXOM woman behind the counter. After a brief moment of
discussion about their shock, the self styled leader approached the counter
and said, "I want three pickets to tittsburg." To help cover the
embarassment
of his comrade, the second priest stepped in to save the day. He handled
himself pretty well, until he said he wanted his 35 cents change as
a quarter and two nipples. As they were leaving, the third priest decided
that he should do the christian thing and advise the young woman that
her apparel was in appropriate. He said, "Young lady, you really need to
do something about your appearance. If you don't, when you get to the gates
of heaven, St. Finger will shake his peter at you!"

**

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch accross from a brothel, and one
noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a
sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that." After a
little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He
stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder
the children today are so confused with the example that the clery
are settin' for them." After about another hour, the first man saw a
Catholic preist walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his
partner. "Aw that is truely sad. One of the poor lassies must be
dyin'."

**

A young Protestant couple wants to become Catholic.

"How long have you been Protestant?" asks the priest.

"All our lives."

The priest thinks a while, then replies:

"We usually have those who wish to join the faith perform some sort of
penance to prove their sincerity. Your penance is simple. You and
your wife must not make love for 30 days."

30 days later, the husband returns.

"How did it go?" asks the priest.

"Well, for the first 29 days, it was fine. We didn't even look at
each other. And then, on the 30th day ... I saw her standing over
the freezer ... and I just had to. I'm sorry, Father."

The priest frowns. "Well, I'm afraid that this means I won't be able
to let you into the arms of the Church."

"That's OK," says the husband. "They won't let me in the supermarket
any more either."

**

THE PREACHER'S ASS

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that
there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter him in
the races. However, at the local auction, the going price of a horse was
so high that he bought a donkey instead. He figured that since he had
it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his
surprise the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets
carried this headline:

"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
races again, and this time it won! The paper read:

"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"

The bishop was so upset with this publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter his donkey in another race. The headlines read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get
rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in the
nearby convent. The headlines read:

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The bishop fainted! He informed the nun that she would have to
dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer willing to buy
him for $10. The paper read:

"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"

They buried the bishop the next day. The headline?:

"NUN'S ASS KILLS BISHOP"

-Anonymous

**

An American businessman sent one of his public relations
officers to Rome to try and get the Pope to record "Give us
each our daily coke." The P.R. man came back empty handed.
He had offered the Pope $500,000 dollars and had been turned
down. His boss commented, "Turned down half a million
bucks! I wonder how much the bakeries are paying him?"

**

"A Swedish bishop was getting ready to visit USA. Some of his
close associates advised him to be careful when responding to
reporters on his arrival in New York. The bishop however was
overconfident and paid little heed to the advice. On arrival at
JFK airport, during a press conference one reporter asked
the bishop if he was planning on visiting any night clubs in New
York? The bishop replied "Are there any night clubs in New York?"
suggesting that he was ignorant of anything like night clubs in
New York.

To his surprise, the next mornings papers had the follwing banner
headlines, 'Bishop asks,"Are there any night clubs in New York?"

**

The pastor of a small congregation was trying to find a contractor to
paint his church. Because the church fund was low and he couldn't pay
very much, he selected the lowest bidder.

The contractor decided to make the job pay better by skimping on
materials. He thinned the paint with solvent and then only applied one
coat.

Within months, the poor paint job began to flake away and the church
looked worse than before the work was done. The pastor sent a note to the
contractor that said,

"Repaint! Repaint! Thin no more!"

**

A pastor went out visiting one afternoon. At one house he knocked on the
door several times, but no one answered. He could see though the window
that the television was on, so he took one of his cards, wrote
"Revelations 3:20" on it and put it under the door. ("Behold, I stand at
the door and knock; if anyone will open, I will come in.")

The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the
following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked,
so I hid myself.")

**

One sunny Sunday in Spring, Father Fitzpatrick noticed that there was a
smaller gethering than usual for the noon service. So as soon as the
final hymm was sung, he slipped out the back way and went along the
streeet to see who was out and about instead of coming to church.

The first person he saw was old Mrs. O'Neil, sitting on a park bench with
her cane beside her. The good cleric sat down next to her and said, "Good
afternoon, Mrs. O'Neil, why weren't you in church today?" Mrs. O'Neil
replied, "Well, Father, it was just such a lovely day today I didn't want
to be cooped up in that stuffy ol' church!" The priest was a bit taken
aback by this blunt answer, so he thought for a minute, then asked, "But
Mrs. O'Neil, don't you want to go to heaven?" To his surprise, the
elderly lady shook her head vehemently and said, "No siree!"

At that, the priest got to his feet indignantly and said firmly, "Then I
am ashamed for you!" Now it was Mrs. O'Neil's turn to be surprised. She
looked up at him and said, "Oh, Father, I thought you were gettin'
together a group to leave right now!"

**

The Pope was scheduled to visit a city and when his plane landed at the
airport he stepped onto the tarmac to hear cries of "ELVIS ELVIS". The
Pope looked around to see who they were shouting at and said, "I'm the
Pope, not Elvis. Anyway, off he went in his Popemobile, through the City
to hear people shouting, "ELVIS ELVIS". He said, I'm the Pope, not
Elvis, can't you see, I'm wearing the hat, the robe and the cross, I'm
the Pope. Anyway, he eventually got to his Hotel and as he walks into
the Lobby the Hotel Manager says, "WHOA KING". The Pope says for the last
time, I'm the Pope not Elvis. Looking very annoyed, the Pope goes up
to his Hotel Room and as he enters, sitting on his bed is a gorgeous
Red Head looking very seductive. She sighs to him, "OH ELVIS"
The Pope gets down on one knee and sings, "Wella blessa my soul, what'sa
wrong with me".

**

A Vicar is in the vestry with the Verger. The Vicar says to the Verger
"For my sermon today I think I'll take the subject of 'The Widow's Might'",
the Verger turned to the Vicar and replies "Oh I wouldn't bother, there
are only two in the village and they both do." Frankie Howerd

**

A priest is out for an afternoon strool and turns the corner and finds a
little
boy with a hammer smashing the tar out of a bunch of ants. The kid is
saying
to himself "I hate these fucking ants...I hate these fucking ants."

The priest is taken back by the little boy's language and talks to him and
says basically God doesn't make junk. Tomorrow I will be coming by
again and
if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless than
I will
let you continue killing the ants.

The next afternoon the priest is out again for his walk and comes upon the
little boy smashing ants. The priest reminds him of the agreement that they
made saying the boy agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could
name three
things that God created that are worthless.

The boy looks up with a devilish smile and says "I know three things"

The first is a prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun and the
third are
these fucking ants.

**

TOP TEN PAPAL OBJECTIONS TO THE CAIRO POPULATION CONFERENCE

10. Frequent flyer miles will not take him to Egypt, only to Bosnia.

9. Confuses the Cairo conference and the environmental conference and
thinks the U.S. wants a cap on sperm emissions.

8. Kurt Waldhiem wasn't invited.

7. Thinks reduction of famine and disease will put Mother Teresa out of
work.

6. Can't get a date with Benazir Bhutto.

5. Thinks Al Gore faked leg injury to gain sympathy with women delegates.

4. Angry because Kenya gets free condoms and not the Vatican City.

3. His headgear is overshadowed by everyone else's funny hats.

2. Thinks there's "too much pork" in the conference proposals. (Also a
Muslim objection.)

1. Al Gore is so damn stiff you could nail a messiah to him.

::

One lovely day in May was Vocation Day to inspire potential priests and nuns
to the religious calling. All the priests were concelebrating mass and the
teaching nuns were there in the front pews- behind them the prospective
religious were squirming in their seats and making spitballs out of the
missals.
The Monsigneur lifted his eyes to heaven and said, "Pray for vacations!"

=========================================================================

MISCELLANEOUS

Drive your karma, curb your dogma
Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Enlightenment

1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes before the
mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be
canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are
put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good
laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift - just for
entering. So you are already a winner!

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is
where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way,
if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the
channel.

4. Life is like photography, you use the negative to develop. And, no
matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you
- He's just not ready to make a commitment.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition
called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And
when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach
in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd."

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That
way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with
each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all
the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if
you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you
find
a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train
the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad
news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the
Universe. The good news is - it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channelled. That way, if you
don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not
bureaucracy. So you don't have to go through channels.

**

The San Jose Sharks hockey team recently sponsored a father/son night
as part of the festivities, there was a drawing, and one of the
prizes was a dinner for the winning father and son with the Sharks'
goalie, Arturs Irbe. Well, the winning group went out to eat, and
it must have been something to see-the father, the son, and the
goalie host.

**

A nuncio, where they exist, has the rank of an ambassador. While in Paris,
Roncalli once said: "You know, it's rough being a papal nuncio. I get
invited
to these diplomatic parties where everyone stands around with a small plate
of canapes trying not to look bored. Then, in walks a shapely woman in a
low-cut, revealing gown, and everyone in the whole place turns around and
looks -- AT ME!"

**

Best Halloween costume I ever saw: A couple were dressed as a priest and
nun, but carried guns, knives, grenades, ammo belts, etc. They were
"Clint Priestwood and Sister Mary Magnum, Vatican death-commandos."

Possible spinoff: "Ninja Nun:" Equipment includes steel-cable rosary for
garrotting, and little crosses with sharp points, for throwing.

**

This is a sight gag.
A parachutist is about to take his first jump. The instructor told him
to jump and pull the rip cord. If the chute didn't open he was to
pull the emergency chute.

The jumper said but what if that chute doesn't work. The instructor said
then pray that Allah saves you!.

He jumped, pulled the rip cord - nothing. He pulled the emergency cord-
again nothing. What was he to do. He said Allah save me, Allah save me-
Just then a giant hand appeared in the sky (here is the sight gag - do it)
caught him and lowered him softly to the ground. The jumper whewed and said
Jesus Christ - that was close. (Do this) The giant hand turned over and
Splat.

**

Okay, you free-love atheist swine. It's time to put down your filthy
bitmapped bimbos and your smutty newsgroups and sit up straight.
Pastor Stephan is going to save your miserable asses from eternal
damnation. You can buy me large plots of land later.

For todays lesson we will be covering a topic of historic and
lexicographic interest. As you know, in ancient and Biblical times
the inhabitants of the Middle East had a lot of time on their hands.
(Hence the Sons of Abraham-- three faiths [Judaism, Christianity,
Islam] sharing theology, prophets, sacred sites, and even sacred
texts-- and yet each works for the destruction and expulsion of the
other two!) A side effect of this was tolerance for extremely long
proper names.

Amazingly enough, many of these names have entered the English
language. And so, in the interest of spiritual enlightenment and
building power vocabularies, allow me to present...

THE TOP FIFTEEN RIDICULOUSLY LONG BIBLICAL NAMES

15) Abelbethmaachah: Kings 1 15:20, Kings 2 15:29. A city in Israel.
MODERN USAGE: Euphemism to describe two people you don't know making
love. EXAMPLE: "Yeah, that Earth First! rally was disgusting. Never
seen so much sleeping-bag abelbethmaachah in my life."

14) Almondiblathaim: Numbers 33:46-47. Another Israeli settlement.
MODERN USAGE: Insult. The literal translation out of the Hebrew is
"Place of men who blather about almonds all the time"; thus,
almondiblathaim is used to mean people who go on and on about
something you could give a hoot about. EXAMPLE: "Oh, great, the
programmers are coming over. Don't ask them how work is going;
instant almondiblathaim."

13) Apharsathchites: Ezra 4:9. Inhabitants of yet another city.
MODERN USE: Geological techspeak. EXAMPLE: "No, you knucklehead.
Apharsathchites have don't mica inclusions, now, do they? Which means
this is? Think... come on... Christ! It's GRANITE, you pinhead!"

12) Berodachbaladan: Kings 2 20:12. King of Babylon. MODERN USAGE:
Medical assistant techspeak. Used to describe the sound a full bedpan
makes when dropped.

11) Helkathhazzurim: Samuel 2 2:16. Battlefield in Gibeon. MODERN
USAGE: Onomatopoetic description of accidental death resulting from a
stream of urine striking an electrified third rail.

10) Merodachbaladan: Isaiah 39:1. Another spelling of Berodachbaladan,
King of Babylon. MODERN USAGE: Medical assistant techspeak: Used to
describe the sound a full bedpan makes when dropped on a doctor's
foot.

9) Ramathaimzophim: Samuel 1 1:1. Samuel's home town on Mount Ephraim.
MODERN USAGE: Stew produced by a collective. EXAMPLE: "Hey, I bet
some crab meat would go really well in this!" "Go ahead, Al! It's a
ramathaimzophim!"

8) Tilgathpilneser: Chronicles 1 5:6, 5:20; Chronicles 2 28:20. King
of Assyria. MODERN USE: A specific type of potent Czechoslovakian
pilsner prepared with ox tails.

7) Zaphnathpaaneah: Genesis 41:45. Joseph's Egyptian name. MODERN
USAGE: The practice of freebasing mothballs.

6) Bashanhavothjair: Deuteronomy 3:14. The name Jair son of Manasseh
gave to the country of Argob. MODERN USAGE: The practice of achieving
hegemony over a patch of land the size of an olive pit, naming it
after yourself with a five syllable jawbreaker, and then proceeding
straight into historical oblivion.

5) Chepharhaammonai: Joshua 18:24. Still another Israeli city.
MODERN USAGE: The practice of pretending ham is chipped beef, still
practiced by guilty members of the faithful to this day.

4) Kibrothhattaavah: Numbers 11:34-35, 33:16-17; Deuteronomy 9:22. A
cute bit in the wandering of the Jews in the desert. Chapter 11:
Everybody's in the desert. They're getting sick of manna. People
start wondering why they left Egypt; they ask Moses for flesh. Moses
talks to YHVH. YHVH promises 30 days of flesh. YHVH send a great
cloud of quails. People pig out. And then:

11:33 And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere
it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the
people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

11:34 And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah:
because there they buried the people that lusted.

MODERN USAGE: Fast food meat contaminated with feces.

3) Selahammahlekoth: Samuel 1 23:28. Where Saul laid off the pursuit
of David and went off to beat up the Philistines. MODERN USAGE: the
amount of sexual humor one can make in the workplace without being hit
with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

2) Chushanrishathaim: Judges 3:8-10. King of Mesopotamia. YHVH got
ticked at the Jews because they "served Baalim and the groves" [Judges
3:7] and so Chushanrishathaim got to enslave them for eight years.
MODERN USAGE: A guy who could have been a contender for serious fame,
but wasn't allowed to be evil long enough to ensure his reputation.

1) Mahershalalhashbaz: Isaiah 8:1, 8:3. The child of Isaiah and "the
prophetess." No other mention is made of this woman. The child is
used in Isaiah 8:4 as a measure of time ("For before the child shall
have knowledge to cry, My father, and my mother, the riches of
Damascus and the spoil of Samaria shall be taken away before the king
of Assyria")-- and is never mentioned again. MODERN USAGE: Fruit of a
sexual relationship between a famous person and a bimbo-- when the
famous person SWEARS the relationship was purely a professional one.

**

A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service.
"Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them. Without hesitation,
dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary."

"That's right. Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?"
There was quiet and fidgeting. After all, no one told them there
was going to be a quiz.

Then a young girl spoke up. With assurance, she boldly announced:
"I know. It's Virg."

After two more seconds of silence the entire community erupted in
laughter. Of course - we all know it was Virg 'n Mary.

=========================================================================

NON-ENGLISH

[I will gladly include the translations if someone who speaks the
languages will mail the english translation to me. I have it on
good authority that the first one loses too much in the translation
to be worth it.]

Un hombre tiene que ir en avion y esta terminantemente prohibido llevar
animales, pero no puede dejar solo al canario, asi que se lo mete en el
bolsillo del pantalon; el tio se queda dormido, y como el bolsillo tiene un
agujero, al cabo de un rato el canario asoma por la bragueta; unas
monjas que
estaban en el asiento contiguo le despiertan contrariadas y dicen:
-Sen~or, sen~or, no entendemos mucho de esto, pero creemos que se
le ha roto un huevo.

**

- Tu que eres matematico, crees en Dios ?
- Si, salvo isomorfismos.

**

: ]Fragt den Papst. Er wird euch bestdtigen, da_ die Erde eine Scheibe ist.
: ]Und an sechs Tagen und so weiter ...
: ]
: Wenn Du dich da mal nicht taeuscht ...

: Irgentwann ging eine Meldung still und heimlich durch die Presse, dass der
: Vatikan die Kugelform anerkannt hat. Das allerdings auch erst vor zehn
oder
: 15 Jahren und natuerlich klammheimlich.

: Ziemlich schnelle Jungs in Rom ...

bis vor kurzem war die Erde noch der Mittelpunkt des Universums, um den
alles
kreist. Der goettlich Gesante erweckt allerdings den Eindruck, als wenn ER
seitdem den Mittelpunkt des Universums darstellt.

**

Warum geht der Bischof so ungern in's Schwimmbad?

Eine falsche Handbewegung - alles Weihwasser

**

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Apotheker und einem Moench ?
Der Apotheker hat ein Heilserum
Der Moench hat ein Seil herum.....

**

Zum Thema Flexibilitdt und Papst war da noch folgendes:

dpa/ap: (Vatikan)

Wie der Pressesprecher des Vatikans gestern mitteilte, wird nach der
Rehabilitierung von Galileo Galilei jetzt auch die Erlaubnis zur
Benutzung von
Kondomen, Abtreibung, Frauen im Priesteramt, die Darwinistische
Schvpfungslehre
usw. erwogen.
Ebenso wie bei Galilei ist mit der Entscheidung in ca. 350 Jahren zu
rechnen.

(War in irgendeiner satirischen Nachrichtensendung von HR3)

**

Ein Vertreter von Coca-Cola hat Audienz beim Papst.
"Ich biete 5 Millionen, wenn Sie im Vaterunser nach dem 'tdglichen Brot'
noch 'und unser Cocal-Cola' aufnehmen !"
Der Papst: "Nein, das geht nicht."
"Also, dann 6 Millionen."
"Verlockend, aber nein, geht nicht."
"7 Millionen !"
"Nein, tut mir leid."
Der Vertreter resigniert, wendet sich zum Gehen. Da kommt er plvtzlich noch
einmal zur|ck: "Aber sagen Sie mir wenigstens, was hat der von der Bdcker-
innung f|r das 'Brot' hingebldttert ?"

**

Der Papst (Nicht der gegenwaertige...) besucht ein Dorf im
tiefsten Inneren von Afrika. Der Haeuptling begruesst ihn
mit gehoeriger Ehrfurcht und will im den Medizinmann vorstellen.
Nur ist dieser leider nicht da. Man sucht und sucht und findet
ihn auf einem ziemlich hohen Baum.

Er weigert sich auch standhaft, vom Baum herunterzusteigen. Der
Haeuptling entschuldigt sich vielmals und will gerade auff den
Baum klettern, um den Medizinmann herunterzuholen.

Der Papst haelt ihn zurueck und sagt "Lass nur, mein Sohn, das
mache ich schon..."

Er tritt naeher zum Baum und macht mit der Hand das Zeichen des
Kreuzes. Der Medizinmann kriegt die volle Panik und klettert schnell
vom Baum herunter.

Die anderen Dorfbewohner koennen es nicht fassen und rufen
"Ein Wunder, ein Wunder!"

Der Papst schuettelt den Kopf. "Das war gar kein Wunder," sagt
er zum Haeuptling. "Der hat mich ganz genau verstanden."
"Was haben Eure Heiligkeit Ihm denn gesagt?"
Der Papst beschreibt den senkrechten Strich des Kreuzes und sagt:
"Du kommst jetzt blitzartig vom Baum herunter...", darauf den
waagrechten Strich, "... oder ich saege den Baum um."

**

Q: Was ist eine perfekte Nonne?
A: Deren Mutter war auch Nonne!

**

Kardinal zum Bischof:

- werden wir noch die aufhebung des zoellibates erleben ????

- wir nicht - aber unsere kinder .... ;-)

**

rW]Anderes Wort fuer Johannes Paul II: "Die polnische Flugente".

oder auch:

Der Eilige Vater

**

ObJoke:
Der Papst kommt zum Bischof nach Speyer, um mal zu sehen wie er so lebt und
wie es der Kirche in der Pfalz so geht.
Der Papst schaut sich nach erfreulicher Besichtigung des Doms noch die
bischvfliche Residenz an.
Bischof: So das ist die K|che, der Herd steht hier dr|ben ...
Papst: Wunderschoen - wie ich es erwartet habe.
B.: So - hier ist das Arbeitszimmer ...
P.: Fantastisch - stilistisch mvbliert ... wirklich schoen ...
B: Hier das Wohnzimmer ...
... zum Schuss endlcih kommen sie zum Schlafzimmer, welches der Bischof
etwas wiederwillig vffnet.
P.: WAAAAAAAAAS ! Das ist ja ein Doppelbett !
B.: Ja ... ich wei_ ...
P.: Sagen sie blo_ ... aehm ... Ihre Haushaelterin !?
B.: Das ist nicht so schlimm wie es ausschaut ... sehen Sie - hier habe
ich ein
Brett - einen Meter hoch ... wenn wir darin schlafen stelle ich es
einfach
mittenrein, und es gibt nichts mehr was stoeren koennte.
P.: Ahhhhh - na dann bin ich ja beruhigt. Aber sagen Sie bitte - was tun Sie
wenn Sie doch mal die Lust |berkommt ?

Der Bischof antwortet trocken:
"Na - dann nehmen wir das Brett weg!"

[posted response]

J] Sie wenn Sie doch mal die Lust ueberkommt ?
J]
J] Der Bischof antwortet trocken:
J] "Na - dann nehmen wir das Brett weg!"

Das erinnerte mich an einen alten, der aehnlich beginnt:

Papst : Mein Sohn, eine solch huebsche Haushaelterin und ein
Doppelbett? Wie passt denn das zusammen? Was tust Du,
mein Sohn, wenn Dich die Fleischeslust einmal
ueberfaellt?

Bischof: Nun, ich rufe meinen Hund und gehe mit ihm einige
Stunden spazieren, bis die Anzeichen sich legen.

Papst : Und was tut Dein Haushaelterin, wenn SIE die
Fleischeslust ueberfaellt?

Bischof: Nun ja, dann ist SIE an der Reihe, den Hund ein wenig
auszufuehren.

Papst : Und wenn Euch beiden einmal GLEICHZEITIG die
Fleischeslust heimsucht?

Bischof: Auch daran haben wir gedacht, heiliger Vater.
Mittlerweile kennt der Hund den Weg ganz alleine.


**

Ein Mann stirbt und kommt in die Hoelle. Irgendwie ist aber alles
ganz anders als er es sich vorgestellt hat: Er bekommt ein Zimmer
in einem luxurioesen Hotel zugewiesen, das Service ist erstklassig,
Sauna, Swimming Pool, Minibar, alles da... Irgendwie kommt ihm die
Sache spanisch vor und er erkundigt sich ganz diskret beim
Hotelmanager ob er denn hier auch richtig ist, weil man hat ihm
gesagt das waere die Hoelle und das kann ja wohl nicht ganz stimmen...
Der Manager versichert ihm aber, dass alles seine Richtigkeit hat.

Gut, bis zum Abendessen ist noch ein bisschen Zeit, also macht er
einen Spaziergang durch den Park. Sonnenschein, bluehende Wiesen,
murmelnde Baechlein -- er kann immer noch nicht glauben, dass das die
Hoelle sein soll. Schliesslich kommt er am Rand des Parks zu einer
hohen Mauer, die geht er entlang und findet schliesslich ein kleines
Loch, wo er nach draussen schauen kann -- ein furchtbarer Anblick!!
Ueberall Flammen, Loecher mit siedendem Oel, kleine rote Teufel mit
Hoernern und spitzen Schwaenzen sausen herum, und wohin man schaut
werden irgendwelche armen Seelen aufs Perverseste gefoltert!

Jetzt ist er natuerlich ueberzeugt, dass er am falschen Ort gelandet
ist und eilt zurueck zum Hotel um das Missverstaendnis aufzuklaeren.
Er erzaehlt ganz aufgeregt dem Hotelmanager was er gesehen hat, aber
der grinst nur und sagt: "Ach machen Sie sich keine Sorgen, was Sie
gesehen haben, ist nur unsere Spezialabteilung fuer Katholiken --
die *wollen* das so!"

**

/* flames von Nonnen und Katholen allgemein on */

Eine Nonne kommt zum (nein, nicht beim sondern zum) Dr. gyn. mit
ein paar Beschwerden, die der Arzt nach der Untersuchung eindeutig
darauf zurueckfuehrt, dass ebendiese Nonne Schwanger ist.

Darauf sie, reichlich entsetzt: "Was die Leute nicht alles auf die
Opfer-Kerzen schmieren ..."

**

Q: Quel est le comble pour une bonne soeur ?
R: Vouloir mourir en sainte.

**

Kommt 'n MANTA-Fahrer in eine Baeckerrei.
MF: Ey, Mann ey, ich will'n Brot,ey!
Tatsaechlich bekommt er eins, was nur dem VHS-Kurs des Baeckers in
"OPEL-Deutsch fuer den Hausgebrauch" zu verdanken ist.
Als der Mantafahrer sein Brot bekommt, zerbroeselt er es gleichmaessig und
schmiert es sich unter die Axeln, was den Baeckermeister doch in starkes
Erstaunen versetzt, bis er schliesslich seiner Neugierde Luft macht und
fragt:
BM: Entschuldigen Sie, es geht mich ja nichts an, aber was soll das?
MF: Ey bisse bloede ey? Stand doch schon inner Bibel: "Jesus nahm das Brot,
brach es und verteilte es unter den Armen", ey!!

NUNS

Q&A

Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: None.

Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!

Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping
bags for mice.

Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Q: What's black and white and chases nuns?
A: A horny penguin

Q: What do you call a nun with a sweet tooth?
A: A Carmellike.

Q: What's black, white and red and swings from the ceiling?
A: A nun on a meathook.

Q: What's black, white and red and doesn't fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: What do you get when you cross an apple and a nun?
A: A computer that won't go down!

Q. What are the bedtime rules at the convent?
A. Lights out at 10, candles out at 11.

Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A: A nun falling down the stairs.

**

Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one
replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"

**

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

**

Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the
convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic
to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."

**

Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried.
You know this priest a long time already. What would he give
for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.

**

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and
you're
accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you
do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than
he with his pants down."

**

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says,
"Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

**

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start
raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know
not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

**

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the
tour
ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group
of Nuns
are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their
young son
Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses
patience and
runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and
admonishes him
saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"

**

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes.
Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
"However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to
me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What
did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks
up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle
quietly
under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me ,
Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was
driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a
neighbors
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute,
then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says,
"Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at
heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink
the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard
tears
run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

**

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

**

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

**

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked
there's a knock at the door.
The nun calls: "Who is it?"
a voice answers: "A blind man".
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in
the room while she's naked so she lets him in.
The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:
"Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"

**

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was
walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you
shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But
mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother
superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was
cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn
fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"

**

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway
across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue,
but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going
to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their
predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and
there's always been one thing I wanted here on earth - to see a woman naked.
Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take
off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now
that I
think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind
taking off
your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed,
"Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put
it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

**

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third
sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your
signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this
door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds
himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE,
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

**

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth
grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says:
"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes
grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of
relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

Sr. Catherine fragt alle Kinder in der vierten Klasse der katholischen
Schule, was sie werden wollen, wenn sie gross sind. Die kleine Sheila
sagt: "Wenn ich gross bin, will ich eine Prostituierte werden!" Sr.
Catherines Augen werden ganz gross, und sie fragt: "Was zum (piiiiieeeep)
hast du gesagt?" "Eine Prostituierte!" Sr. Catherine atmet erleichtert
auf und sagt: "Gott sei Dank! Ich dachte, du haettest gesagt 'eine
Protestantin'!"

**

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver
she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver
agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with
anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No
problem,
he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she
will have
to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two
on the
bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.
When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a
confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun
replies:
"Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way
to a costume party".

**

This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when
this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. When he was finished,
the man asked her, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home
from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped
me twice, unless you're tired."

**

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business
next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.

**

Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes
them.
The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one
didn't touch him.

**

There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout
and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her
and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like
this?" The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir.
I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation." The
perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how might it
be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother
superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said, "When she sees
me this way, she'll be shittin a brick."

**

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a
run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several
prostitutes approach and proposition him, "Twenty bucks a trick!"
These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on
until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking
the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"
She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"

**

A nun is driving her (well, the convent's) car through some very
lonely countryside. The car stops and she notices there is no petrol
left. So she walks to the nearest filling station. But of course, being
a nun, she is a little unworldly, and so she forgot to take along the
canister for the petrol. The nice guy at the filling station has no canister
either. He thinks for a while, then he hands her a chamber-pot full
of petrol. The nun walks back to her car and starts pouring the
petrol into the tank. A bypassing car stops, and the driver looks out
and says:
"Sister, how I would like to have as much faith as you do!"

**

Married To A Nun

I'm a married man but I have no fun
'cause I got married to a lady nun
'nd I can't even dare to say
what really happen' on the weddin' day
'nd then I said, I'll fool around
sneak at night and make no sound
pay a visit to the lady neighbor
spend the night 'nd do some labor
but then she caught me at the door
'nd banged my ass right to the floor
'nd now I'm married 'nd I have fun
just lying idle in the sun

**

During a blizzard, a parishinor of a Milwaukee parish was in a bad accident
near Green Bay. The priest and nun from Milwaukee were driving up to the
hospital the victim was in, in case last rites were necessary. As they were
driving, the storm got worse and worse. Finally they decided they would have
to stop for the night because the roads were so bad. The only motel they
could find was already full of stranded travellers. The clerk told the
priest
"Since you are a priest and all, I will give you a room for the night, but I
just can't give you each a separate room, you will have to make do with two
beds in one room." The priest thanked him and payed for the room.
during the
night, the power went out, and the heat went out with it. Luckily there
were a
lot of blankets is the closet. After a while, the nun asked, father,
father,
I'm cold--so the priest got another blanket and put it on her. After a
while
longer, she said "father, I'm cold, can you get me another blanket," so
he did.
After a while, she again asked for a blanket. This time the priest
responded
"I think in the situation we should pretend to be husband and wife in
order to
keep warm." The nun was stunned and didn't think it was appropriate, but he
was the priest, so she really couldn't argue. She said "O.K., father,
if you
are sure its proper we can pretend to be husband and wife" to which he
responded: "SO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"

**

A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get
out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do
it. Luckily, a truck came along and the (male) driver offered to change
it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it
slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that
you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time
almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do
so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something
like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started
to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me."

At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked
at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

**

I believe in this and it has been proven by research:
He who fucks nuns will later join the church.
The Clash

**

Three novices in a nunnery were in their nightly bull-session, and the
conversation went to what might have happened if they had not decided to
take holy orders.

First novice: "I think I would have become a school teacher." The others
said that was very nice; teaching children is important.

Second novice: "I would have liked to be a nurse." That's also a fine,
useful profession, said the others.

Third novice: "I think I would have become a prostitute." At this, the
others gasped and fainted dead away! When the third novice revived the
others, she apologized for shocking them so. "I shouldn't have come out
so suddenly to say I would have become a prostitute."

"Oh", said the others, "a prostitute. We thought you said protestant."

**

There once was a man from Verdun
who tried to seduce a young nun
"while I'm not in the habit,
and quite far from the abbot,
how else will I have any fun?"

**

There once was a man from Verdun
who tried to seduce a young nun
he tried in the front
but got only a grunt...
so he decided to try in the bun!

**

There once was a man from Verdun
who tried to seduce a young nun...
She giggled and squealed...
Then turned quick on her heels...
Saying, "I'm much too GOOD for you, son!"

**

It's allright to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.....

**

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorus abbot.
"Although its more fun
to have sex with a nun,
its so hard to get into the habit!"

**

Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug
that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent.

The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

**

A nun goes to confession, ".....oh Father, I am ashamed, I was golfing with
the other sisters, and said the "F" word.

"Oh Sister, what made you say the 'F' word?"

"Well I teed off the 5th hole, and sliced it into the woods"

"Sister, for that you said the "F" word?"

"Oh no, I got out of that mess ok, only to land in a sand trap."

"Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?"

"Oh no! I got a good hit out of the trap, it bounced on the green, and
rolled
into the trap on the other side"

"Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?"

"Oh no, I hit it out of the trap, and came up 6 inches from the hole"

"Oh Sister, for that you said the "F" word?"

"Oh heavens no Father"

Then the priest cuts in and asks "Sister, don't tell me you missed a F*@!!@*
six inch putt!!"

**

Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with her
hands
the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida.

The second one, also with her hands, described the huge banana she'd seen in
Jamaica.

The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"

**

A few nuns are riding bicycles. After a while they stop, Mother
Superior gets off the bike and says, "all right, enough for today, now
we put the seats on! "

**

Un par de monjas llaman a la puerta de una casa y les abre una nin~a
-Nos podrian dar algo para el asilo?
-Abueelo, sal!

Two nuns knock on the front door, and a child opens it:
"Can you give us something for our charity asylum?"
"Sure!, Hey, grandpa, come here!"

**

Dos monjas encargadas de hacer la compra en un convento de clausura salen
con el coche del convento y al doblar la esquina se encuentran con la misma
pareja de la guardia civil de trafico. Uno de ellos se desabotona la
bragueta
y una de las monjas dice:
-Vaya hombre, otra vez la prueba del alcohol.

The two nuns in charge of shopping for a cloistered convent are
driving in their car, and as they turn a corner, they are spotted by
the traffic cops. The officer steps up to the car and looks inside,
then he begins unbuttoning his fly. One nun looks at the other nun
and says, "Oh man... not another breathalyzer test..."

**

There were three little girls who where attending a Catholic grammar school.
One day during class the nun caught them laughing while she was teaching.
The nun became quite angry and told them that she wanted to see them after
class.

After class, Sister Mary told the three little girls that she was going to
give them a quiz on religion. She asked the first girl if she knew which
part of the body was the holiest. The first little girl thought awhile.
Then the little girl said, "Well Sister Mary, the holiest part of the body
is the hands." And then the little girl put both her hands together as
though she she going to pray and continued, "It's because we use are hands
while we pray to God." Sister Mary nodded.

Then the nun asked the second little girl, "What part of the body do you
think is the holiest part of the body?" The second little girl said, "Well
Sister, the head has to be the holiest part of the body." Pointing to her
head, she continued, "It's the part of the body that has the mind, so all
our souls are in our heads." Again the nun just nodded.

"Well", the Sister said to the third little girl, "and what do you think is
the holiest part of the body?" The little girl was excited and said, "The
feet are the holiest part of the body!" The Sister was puzzled and asked why
she thought the feet where the holiest part of the body. The little girl
continued, "Well Sister Mary, last night I was walking past my parent's
bedroom door and I saw mommy with both her feet pointing in the air and
daddy was on top of her trying to keep her down while mommy was screaming,
'Oh my God! I'm coming, I'm coming!!'"

**

There was a Nun who kept saying BLOODY. Every second word she said was
bloody. The other Nuns weren't too happy about this so they decided
that next time Sister says bloody all the Nuns would get up and walk
out, nothing would be said, just up and out.

The next day Sister runs in and says, "the Bloody American fleet has just
bloody well come bloody in. All the Nuns get up and walk without saying
a word. Sister shouts back after them and says, "you don't have to bloody
run they'll be here for a bloody week".

**

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was
gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?",
he asked. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained,
matter-
of-factly. A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even
more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A couple of months
later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige around the
convent. He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said,
"Cute little fart."

**

Two Nuns were out driving in the countryside, one was a Mother Superior
and the other was a Novice. As they were driving along the Novice
turned to the Mother Superior and said, "isn't this countryside known
for having Vampires?". The Mother Superior said, "yes, but we will be
okay". Just as she said that an enormous Vampire landed on the roof
of their car, with large fangs dripping blood, it started to demolish
the roof of the car. The young Novice screams out, "what'll we do,
what'll we do?" The Mother Superior screams, "quick get out and show
him your cross". The Novice gets out and goes to the Vampire,
"if you don't get off that BLOODY roof, I'm gonna rip your BLOODY
arms off".

=========================================================================

RELIGIONS

Q&A

Q. What is a real Jewish dilemma?
A. Free ham.

Q. What is a Jewish pervert's favorite pick-up line?
A. Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?

Q. What do you get when you cross a devil-worshipper with a Jehovah's
Witness?
A. Someone who goes from door to door and tells people to go to hell.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Mafia Muscle Man with a Jehovah's
Witness?\
A. Lots of converts.

Q. Why doesn't Jesus like hockey?
A. He doesn't like being nailed to the boards.

Q. Who was the first computer operator in the Bible?
A. Eve, she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

Q. How do you put 5 Nazis and 300 jews in a volkswagen?
A. Two germans in the front, three in the back and the jews in the ashtray.

Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Two jews fighting for one cent.

Q. Why do jews drink snapple instead of coke?
A. Because snapple doesn't have gas.

Q. What goes clip clop clip clop BANG?
A. An amish drive by shooting.

Q: What is a popular cheer at a Jewish football game?
A: Get that quarter-back!

Q: Who is the most elastic man in the Bible?
A: Balaam. He tied his ass to a tree and walked 2 miles into town.

Q: Who is the most contipated man in the Bible?
A: David. On the throne for 40 years.

Q: Who was known to have bladder problem?
A: Wasn't it Noah, you know, with the water problem?

Q: Where in the Bible does it describe the most people in one automobile?
A: In The Acts of the Apostles it says that 100 people went to Jerusalem "in
one accord."

::

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's
Angel Biker?
A: Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells YOU to fuck off

Q: Why did the jews wander in the desert for for 40 years?
A: Someone dropped a quarter!

**

The Guide to Comparative Religion, Philosophy, and Comparative Economy

Taoism: Shit happens.
Conficianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Shintoism: Sushi happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Scientology: This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you
pay us enough.
Feminism: This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up!
Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Bahai: Shit happens universally.
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Lutheranism: Have faith that shit will happen.
Catholocism: Shit happens because YOU are BAD.
Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd
better submit!
Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT!
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, Rama Rama.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to US?
Reform Judaism: Shit happens to whom it may concern.
Conservative Judaism: Why does shit happen?
Lubavitcher Hassidism: Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most
holy Shit to happen.
Orthodox Judaism: So shit happens, already!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Mithraism: Bull shit happens.
Agnosticism: How can we know if shit happens?

[Ed. Note - this is just a sampling of the Shit that can happen, if you
would like a more complete selection, see _The Canonical "Shit Happens"
List_ ]

**

A Jewish couple have a Son who is a bit troublesome: at age five he starts
in school, and pretty soon, his parents get to hear that things aren't going
well. After a couple of months, they are asked to "take him out of school",
since he is not setting a good example to the other Jewish children.

Things go from bad to worse: after only a month in reform school he's thrown
out again, and even the state correction center can't deal with him.

Eventually, in desparation, the parents take him to the only place left: a
local Catholic school. The don't hear anything concerning his
performance, no
reports of trouble, but their curiosity is really aroused when he comes home
at the end of the term with a report card showing three B's and the rest
A's.

Things continue in the same vein, and at the end of the second term, he's
running straight A's, and by the end of the school year, his performance has
been so good that he is head of the class list.

His mother taks him aside and asks, "What's going on? We send you to your
own people, and they throw you out. The reform school can't deal with you,
and even the state correction center wasn't enough. But now, with these
Catholics, you're getting the best grades ever."

"Well momma," says the boy "I wasn't too bothered by those other places,
but the first thing I see when I go into that Catholic school is a Jewish
kid nailed to a cross. I know when to back down...."

**

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in
communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the
time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and
confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe
in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness,
while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"B E C A U S E H E D O E S N ' T B O T H E R M E
A L L T H E T I M E !"

**

A man was walking down the street when he sees a boy with a wagon full
of kittens going in the opposite direction. The man stops the boy, talks
to him for a minute and then asks, "What kind of kittens are those?"

The boy replies without missing a beat, saying, "Them's [insert least
favorite religion] kittens!" The man is puzzled, but not wanting to
get into a theological debate with a 5 year old, decides not to press
for more information.

About two weeks later, the man runs into the boy, who also happens to be
pulling the wagon full of kittens. The man asks the boy, "What kind of
kittens did you say they were?"

They boy responds, "Them's [insert favorite religion] kittens!"

The man, struck by the change in answers decides to inquire further,
"But two weeks ago, you said that they were [insert least favorite
religion]."

The boy replies, "They were, but now they got their eyes open!"

**

BIBLE HUMOR
Edgar Pearlstein, Lincoln, Nebraska

To appreciate this as humor, you have to imagine yourself and your
companions
as the biblical-days equivalent of a group of racist, sexist,
good-old-boys
hanging out at the general store:
Abraham was a sly fellow. When he went to Egypt he spread word
that his
beautiful wife, Sarah, was actually his sister. This led the Pharoah
to give
Abraham lots of gifts, as part of his wooing of Sarah. Poor Pharoah got
punished by the god for taking Sarah, but he was really an innocent
victim of
Abraham's lying. When Pharoah found out about the deception, he
didn't kill
Abraham; he merely sent him and Sarah away and didn't even take back the
gifts! (Genesis 12:20) The scam worked so well that Abraham pulled
it again
with another king, Abimelich (Genesis 20), who was sucker enough to give
Abraham still more wealth (Genesis 20:14). Honest Abe!
Abraham must have told his son Isaac about all this, for Isaac pulled
almost the same stunt (Genesis 26:6-14), apparently with the same
Abimelich,
who must have been a real dunce.
Abraham dickered with the god about how many righteous people in
Sodom it
would take to justify sparing it (Genesis 18:22-32). This has to be the
first recorded case of what is now pejoratively called "Jewing-down".
When Lot was a very old man, he had sex with his daughters, and
they both
became pregnant (Genesis 19:31-38). According to the Bible, Lot was a
"righteous man" (2 Peter 2:8), and the excuse for his committing
incest was
that he was so drunk at the times that he didn't know what he was doing.
Performing sexually while very old and dead drunk? If you believe that,
you'll believe anything.
A girl gets raped, and because she is too stunned to cry out, is
herself
punished (Deut 22:24). (A big "hee-hee" for the male chauvinists!)
David wanted to have Saul's daughter for a wife. Saul demanded as
payment 100 Philistine foreskins. David instead got him 200 (1 Samuel
18:25-
27). Gross!
David, a really horny character, got a peek at Bathsheba bathing
herself,
and had the hots for her. But she was already married to Uriah. So David
arranged to have her husband sent off to war and get killed, in order that
he, David, could have her. Now that's worth a couple of snickers, but it
gets even better: the god didn't like that, so he punished David by having
all his wives raped in public! (II Samuel 11:2-12:12). A real
knee-slapper!
Did the god MOON Moses? (Exodus 33:23) Look it up!
Judah had sex with his daughter-in-law, thinking she was a whore.
When
he later found out who she was, he wanted her to be burned to death.
But she
outsmarted him by proving that it was he who had sex with her (Genesis
38:13-
27). So here was a case where the woman outsmarted the man. Yuk yuk; who
said those bible-day boys couldn't laugh at themselves?
Ruth, upon Naomi's instructions, sidled up to Boas at night in
order to
gain favors (Ruth 3:3-18). (giggle). Another case where a woman gets the
better of a man.
Jesus preached that we should give to the poor. But he dismissed that
idea when his own comfort was at stake, with the wisecrack "The poor
ye have
with you always" (Mark 14:7, Matthew 26:11, John 12:8). It's always a
good
guffaw when a pious one commits hypocrisy. And it's doubly funny when
that
person is fond of calling other people hypocrites!
Jesus was hungry, and came upon a fig tree. Unfortunately, there
wasn't
any fruit on the tree, since it was the wrong time of the year. Jesus
got so
furious that he cursed the tree! (Matthew 21:18-20, Mark 11:12-21)
Can you
picture that? (The tree up and died, but there is no indication that the
curse on fig trees lasted "to the tenth generation", as did some biblical
curses.)

** From ***@kenyon.edu

Finally! Having the right comeback line when the opportunity presented
itself!

My wife was reading a fascinating article about the religious practices
of the Incas and as an entree into making me aware of the contents said,
"Do you know why the Incas practiced human sacrifice?" To which I replied,
"To get to the other side!"

**

Some time ago, a man lost his wife to illness. He handled it fairly
well, considering he had just lost his lifelong partner, but after a few
months he found himself aching to talk to her just one more time. So, he
first goes to a [insert least favorite religion] church and tells the
pastor of his dillema. "Please, sir, if there is any way I could possibly
talk with my wife just one more time, I would be eternally satisfied."
The Pastor sympathizes and gives the man a phone number for a direct line
to Heaven. The man couldn't wait to call when he got home, so he called
from the church. It was wonderful to hear his wife's beautiful voice
again, but he didn't want to ring up too much of a bill, so they only
talked for a 1/2 hour. Afterwards the man asked the pastor how much it
would cost him. The pastor replied, "A mere $2000." The man was surprised
at how much it cost him, but he figured it was worth it, so he paid it.

Two weeks later, he was experiencing the same aching feeling, so he went
to call his wife again, but this was the last time for sure. He just
wanted to say a proper goodbye. This time he went to the [insert favorite
religion here]. The pastor gave him the same number as the [least favorite
religion] pastor did. This time he and his wife talked for one whole hour.
He was anticipating a huge bill, and had stopped by the bank on the way to
withdraw money. He asked the pastor how much it would cost, and the
pastor replied, "A mere $200." The man was flabbergasted. He exclaimed,
"Why, sir, is it that the [least favorite religion] church charged me $2000
for half an hour and you, the [favorite religion] church charged me only
$200 for twice the time?!?" The pastor replied, "Well, it is because we
are that much closer to Heaven than the [least favorite religion] church."

**

Become a Catholic, be led by sexual perverts, engage in ritual canibalism,
and pretend that the Trinity is really one god so you can claim to be
monotheistic (at least when talking to the comatose...).

**

Estan presentando a dos personas.
- Vaya, su apellido es raro pero me suena ; creo que en mi colegio
habia una monja que se llamaba igual. Podria ser pariente suyo ?
- Pues no se, cual era su nombre ?
- Huy, pues no me acuerdo... nosotros la llamabamos siempre madre.
- Pues claro que es pariente mio; es el nombre de mi mama.

Two people are talking:
--"You know, your family name is pretty unusual, but I could swear
that in my school there was a nun by the same name. Could she be a
relative of yours?"
--"Well, I don't know. What was her first name?"
--"Ay, well, I can't remember... we always called her "mother".
--"Mother! Of course she's a relative... that's my mom's name!"

**

A jew is dying, and he asks : Are you there dear wife? and she answers,
why yes my love. Then he asks Are you there beloved son? and he says yes
I am father, so the father asks Then WHO THE FUCK IS MINDING THE STORE?!!

**

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A
man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 3
cents for a cup of coffee?"

And the man said, "Where do get coffee for 3 cents?"

And the beggar said, "Who buys retail?"

**

A christian and an atheist were on death row. It so happens that they
were both scheduled to be executed on the same morning. The warden asked
the christian, "Do you have any last requests?"

The christian replied: "Yes I would love to hear the song "Amazing Grace"
before I die."

"That is not unreasonable," the warden replied, "We can play it many times
over the loudspeakers right up to the moment..."

Then the warden turned to the atheist and asked, "Do you have any final
requests?"

"Yes," the atheist replied, "Can I go first?"

**

An old Armenian is dying; his entire family is gathered around him. When
he comes to, he asks everybody but his eldest son to leave. When they
are alone, he says: "Look after the Jews". Son, taken aback, says:
"Father, don't you have anything more important to say to me at this
moment?" The father repeats: "Look after the Jews: when they are done
for, it will be our turn."

**

*****A BUNCH OF MENNONITE JOKES*****

Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted
by a
piece of fruit?

Q. What happens when you take one Mennonite fishing?
A. He drinks all your beer.

Q. What happens when you take two Mennonites fishing?
A. They don't drink any of your beer.

Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?
A. About three degrees.

Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite boy and a rock?
A. The rock moves faster.

**

A TV researcher is making a documentary about religion and needs some
information about the collections. First he goes to see a Protestant
Vicar. He says "I'm making a programme about religion and I wanted
to know how you share out your collection". The vicar says "Well I get
all the money on a big plate and share it out - one for me, one for
God, one for me, one for God". The researcher thanks the vicar and goes
to see a Catholic Priest. He tells the Priest what the vicar does and then
asks the same question and the Priest says "Oh no I haven't got time for
all that. I get all the money on a plate and then get a big knife and cut
right down the middle and one half is for God and one half is for me". The
researcher thanks the vicar and goes to see a Jewish Rabbi. He tells the
Rabbi what the Vicar and Priest do and asks the same question again. The
Rabbi says "Oh no I haven't got time for all that, I get all the money on
a plate and throw it all up into the air and what stays up goes to God and
what comes down goes to me". Frankie Howerd

**

One day a Catholic priest goes to a barber for a haircut. After the
haircut, he asks the barber how much he owes. The barber says, "For a
man of the cloth, the haircut is free!"

The priest thinks "What a nice man!" The next day the barber finds
a case of wine outside his shop.

Then, a minister comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber tells him
that the
haircut is free. The minister thinks "What a nice man!" The next day,
the barber find a box of chocolates outside his shop.

Then, a rabbi comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber gives the haircut
on-the-house. The rabbi thinks "what a nice man!" The next day, the barber
finds a long line of rabbi's outside his shop!

::

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street, and one decides that he needs a
new suit. So they stop in at Pinkus the Tailor, and ask to see a suit.
Pinkus
takes one out from the back, and says "this is the latest fashion, and
it's a
bargain!". The guy buying asks if it is available in black, Pinkus says "Of
course", so the guy buys it. As he leaves, he reminds Pinkus to make the
suit
in black. The next week, the two Jewish guys go back to Pinkus to pick
up the
suit. The buyer looks at it very closely, and says "I think this is dark
blue,
not black!" Pinkus assures him that it is, indeed, black. So the guy pays,
puts on the suit, and they leave the store. However, he remains
unconvinced.
As they walk down the street, the guy in the new suit says "I have an
idea
about how we can check the suit... there are two nuns coming towards us, in
their habits. Let's kind of push up against them, and we can check if
the suit
is black."
So as the two Jewish guys passed the nuns, they pushed up against
them, and
they all fell down together. The Jewish guys looked at the nuns, the nuns
looked at the Jewish guys, and they parted without saying a word.
The first nun turns to the other and says "I wonder what that was all
about?". The second nun says "I know they looked Jewish, but I wasn't sure."
"Why not?"
"Because one of them spoke Latin."
"Latin? How? What did he say?"
"I didn't catch all of it, but what I heard sounded like 'Pinkus
Fuckedus'"!

::

There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She
was feeling generous when it came to thanksgiving, so she called up
the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on
thanksgiving, but please, don't send any jews. Please, no jews."

The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for
the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."

Well, thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door
when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that
anyone had ever seen, especially in the south.

"But... But.. There must be some mistake" she stammered.

One of them replied, "No ma'am, lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes"

[Just Wondering]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

Last ones for now.

Longer Clinton Jokes


----------------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily
constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see
him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he
asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making
George Bush?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to
make Bill Clinton."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's
president. In order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to
go baby-kissing and flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and
Arkansas. There, he encountered a strange fellow working at a gas
station, a common man if there ever was one.
"Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president,"
said Gov. Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake.
"That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've
done great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man
enthusiastically.
The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake
your hand, I can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand
if you cross the highway with me."
Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the
highway with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man
vigorously shook the Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the
man, "Why is it that I may shake your hand only after crossing the
highway with you?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there
was Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob
touching is legal only in Arkansas."

----------------------------------------------------------------


Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice
President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that
they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and
informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They
are lead by St Peter to a tremendous thrown room. The Supreme Being,
of course, is seated upon the thrown.
"And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President.
"I am Albert Gore Jr, Vice President of the United States of America".
"Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. Love your work.
Come sit on my left. And you there, who are you?"
"Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the
United States."
"Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult
issues. Come sit on my right. Now, who might you be?"
"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU are sitting in MY seat."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton was also asked to explain a remark he made to Russian
President Boris Yeltsin at their April 3-4 summit. He reportedly said,
"When the Japanese say yes to us, the often mean no."
During a picture-taking session in the Oval Office, Miyazawa
attempted to defuse the situation by jokingly pointing out that
"every language has its own peculiarity."
Smiling, Clinton told the news conference, "I don't know what I
meant anymore."
Gee, anyone think that sounds like something that our revered and
honored prez would say?

----------------------------------------------------------------

UPI - NEWS FLASH!
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former
Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a
fierce civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is
strongly in favor of diversity.

----------------------------------------------------------------


In a NBC Evening News report on the homosexual march on Washington
this weekend, one lady (Dee Mosbacher?) commented on the President's
unwillingness to march with the homosexuals.
"I think," she said, "if a million saxophone players showed up
outside the White House, he'd go out there and blow a few notes."
Maybe the group was just expecting too much..

----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton's riding a horse, and hears someone shout "Hey, look at the
prick on that horse!" When he gets home, he takes a look & sees he's
been riding a mare.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Hillary's right-hand man, who got her the nomination in 1992 & was
governor for a long time, was a dope-smoking man named Bill Clinton.
One night, a burglar broke into the White House & surprised Hillary in
bed. Brandishing a gun, he told Hillary to put her head under the
covers & not make a sound. Hillary scrunched down, but that made her
ass stick out the side. The burglar said "That goes for you too,
Bill!"
----------------------------------------------------------------


Captain Kirk and an away team down to Earth after going through a
time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle
of Clinton's inaugural ball. They look around, and Kirk says;
"Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."

----------------------------------------------------------------

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and
was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the
Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get
red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her
step. "My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so happy?"
"I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said I
had the breasts of a 25 year old woman, " Hillary gushed.
"Did he say anything about your 46 year old ass?" Bill asked.
"No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."

----------------------------------------------------------------

During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got
pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion.
Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would
insist that she have the baby.
Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at the
time!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of
Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this
and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the price is a
little high so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted and turns away
and Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as
luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come
down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her "Five!"
No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into
shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy
part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill
and Hillary together and yells "See what you get for five dollars!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein
was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the
U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.
----------------------------------------------------------------

President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia,
and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare
Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his
binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where
are our troops?" An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not
Somalia. It's Arkansas."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little
boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, 'this is a great
press opportunity' so she has her driver pull over. She gets out to
talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little puppies in
the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says
'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!' Of course Hillary is extremely
pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to
McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he
should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him.
Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells
the little boy 'what nice puppies those are!' The boy says, 'Thank
you sir. They're Republicans!' 'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary
told me that they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir, but now
their eyes are open!'
----------------------------------------------------------------

Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping in on
local McDonalds the McD's national management has announced a
commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you
get it, the price has doubled, and it's got half the meat.
----------------------------------------------------------------

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a
false sense of security while being screwed.
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to
have an air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he
can have it both ways.
----------------------------------------------------------------

So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex
life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer
Flowers a couple of times... ...but he didn't come.
----------------------------------------------------------------

They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of
Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like
to thank the governor for wearing a condom."
----------------------------------------------------------------

It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID
inhale. Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer
Flowers, Clinton would have picked Gary Hart instead.
----------------------------------------------------------------

From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had
been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your
wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share
with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your
way out of that pickle?
----------------------------------------------------------------

Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new
allegations of misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the
popular "Where's Waldo" puzzles noted a striking resemblance while
examining the bare-breasted woman depicted frolicking in the water
with an as-yet-unidentified man. Clinton denies that he has ever met
the woman, and says he was with Waldo the whole time.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during
the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice
to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be
the first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really*
enjoy political humor...
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and not
speak a single word for the next couple days. Guess this means he'll
have to contradict himself in mime...
----------------------------------------------------------------

President-Elect Clinton promises to make the administration more
representative of the population. Well, I think he should consider
making Millie the Dog Secretary of State. After all, President Bush
recommends her highly "knows more about international relations than
those two bozos combined.." and after all, how many dogs have been
appointed Secretary of anything?
And finally, the way things are going to be under Clinton, we won't
have any stature as a superpower any more, so we might as well have a
Secretary of State that barks if someone breaks in.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates
meeting with the Wizard of Oz. First, President Bush went to see the
Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I
wish to have a Heart". So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm
unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a
Brain". The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack
conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at
him, and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied,
"I'm here for Dorothy!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Those who say the Gang of Four in China are dead have been proven
wrong by the presence of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Foley,
Richard Gephardt, and George Mitchell together in Little Rock last
night. Let's hope there is no conservative student rally in Lafayette
Park or they will send in the only tank of the U.S. Army on them.
----------------------------------------------------------------

This is a true fact. Shortly before Bill Clinton took the
inaugural oath of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty
Python.
If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forebode
an interesting four years. Alternate theory: some undergraduates from
Caltech swapped the band's sheet music.
----------------------------------------------------------------

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important
military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev
invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced
with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry,
followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had
mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and
throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons
of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical
and strategic bombers.
Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was
suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the
parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits
tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he
asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men
can do?"
----------------------------------------------------------------

I just heard that Bill Clinton visited the White House a couple of
days ago and got quite a surprise. I guess he was jogging one morning
and saw that someone had written "Clinton Sucks!" in the snow (you
know, yellow snow?). Anyway, Clinton was furious and ordered an
investigation. And so after the investigation was completed Clinton
demanded the results. The head of the Secret Service said "Well Sir,
we have a problem. We did tests on the urine and determined that it
belonged to Jesse Jackson, but that's not the problem. The problem is
that it is Hillary's handwriting!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton
lost his voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas
greenery at the Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts
up with the allergies to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine
garlands and mistletoe," but he was surprised they bothered him
because he doesn't inhale. An aide said the allergies are "nothing to
worry about," they just make the president-elect stuffed up and
irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something like
"I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could
negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he
loses his voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an
internationally understandable set of gestures," in case he has to
negotiate when he is totally voiceless and cranky.
In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there
is mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool,
near the women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile
dashboard.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Well, we're now a week into the Clinton administration, and the
problems of the nation have been solved. Taxes on the middle class
have been cut. President Clinton has taken a stance against waste and
ordered a 10% across-the-board cut in government spending, and a
national health care plan has been put together to provide basic
medical services at a reasonable cost, one which will be competitive
with commercial insurers.
Ha ha, only kidding....
Actually, Mr. Slick has barely figured out how to operate the desk
phone in the oval office, and the feces are striking the ventilation
equipment with a rhythm that might make for a good rap tune. The
leaders of the Senate - folks like Dan Moynihan and Sam Nunn (both
democrats, BTW) are looking downright embarrassed at the simultaneous
display of supreme arrogance and ignorance that seems to characterize
the Clinton administration. Republican house members are being
uncharacteristically quiet - perhaps just letting Mr. Slick select his
rope?
(Another possibility is that we will see a congress and senate that
will realize that they basically have a loose cannon in the White
House, and do their best to minimize the damage. And the thought of
Congress being more responsible than the president is
Scary. Stock-up-on-ammunition- and-canned-goods type of Scary.)
Taxes: Better get out the Vaseline, folks: That 4% tax increase
that was only going to apply to people making over $200k looks like it
might actually be 8%, and the folks making less than half that $200k
figure are getting ready for a "regrettable necessity" announcement
expected in the next couple of months. The latest estimate is that, if
he wants to provide any cut, even to the absolute lowest brackets,
he's going to have to start boosting taxes at a family income of about
$50k. Oh, and everybody better get used to paying more for gas: Al
Gore (who has done something remarkable by making Dan Quayle look like
a model of sophistication and intellect) has discovered oxygenated
gas. Even though it's been proved irrefutably that this has no
measurable benefit (and, in fact, several drawbacks - one of them
being a significantly higher cost). Oh, and you're going to be getting
slapped with an Energy Tax, but poor folks might be entitled to a
rebate from an agency whose existence will be paid for with the gas
tax, and whose sole purpose will be to administer the collection and
disbursement of energy taxes. Latest news is that, even with the
worst-case tax increases, Clinton's health plan will end up gobbling
up more money than his spending cuts and tax increases will raise, and
boost the deficit just a teensy, weensy bit. Say a couple hundred
billion or so. And that's from the democratic spin doctors, who are
making a valiant effort at damage control, so you can be pretty sure
that the Actual Mileage Will Probably Be Lower.
I can sense a feeling in America, something like that of a drunk
waking up on Saturday morning, going "oh God, what did I do?" Well,
folks, a couple of Tylenol ain't even going to touch the headache that
Slick "Night Train" Clinton is going to give you! When Clinton was
elected, I hoped that I'd be able to get a few laughs at his spastic
attempts to manage the country - but what I'm presented with, reading
the paper every day, is an embarrassment of riches. The man makes
George Bush look like a distinguished elder statesman.
----------------------------------------------------------------

There's also Chelsea's "rash" comment: She needed medication at
Sidwell Friends, and the nurse couldn't give her any medication
without having contacted the parents. Chelsea said something like, "Oh
that's okay. My mom's been pretty busy lately. Better call my dad."
----------------------------------------------------------------

I've heard there's a new programming language out from University
of Tennessee. It's called Algor.
There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal
and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since
it won't allow you to alter the operating environment.
Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no
one's been screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT
incorrectly when he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Health care costs rise uncontrollably. In England, they have begun
rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting
lists for certain services. In fact, they now have a nine month
waiting list for abortions.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Hillary Clinton is NOT running the country. Eleanor Roosevelt is
:-) (If case you don't know, Hillary has admitted to having private,
imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt)
----------------------------------------------------------------

"Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White
House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time Mr. Clinton has
given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked her to try on first..."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a Gas
station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed like a
typical grease-jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High School with
you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had
married him you wouldn't be married to the President".
Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Dateline: Washington, DC February 26, 1993
When questioned by reporters shortly after the World Trade Center
terrorist bomb exploded, the President responded, "If Congress will
just pass the Brady Bill, I'll sign it." Mr. Clinton further said,
"If the passage of this much needed legislation had not been
obstructed by the National Rifle Association, this senseless tragedy
would not have occurred, because there would have been a mandatory
seven day waiting period in place before this assault-type car bomb
could have been used." In closing, Mr. Clinton said, "I urge Congress
to break the gridlock and act today to prevent further atrocities of
this kind from occurring."
----------------------------------------------------------------

The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of
taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when
somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to
have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.
----------------------------------------------------------------

"I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to
McDonald's, had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple
months ago, and then took some money from some average middle-class
citizens."
----------------------------------------------------------------

A condom manufacturer, trying to capitalize on the popularity (?)
of President Bill Clinton, is introducing a new line of condoms called
the "Slick Willie."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote
jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run. "No", she
said,"not now, not until '96."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill and Hillary were sitting in the bleachers, waiting for a
baseball game to start. A row of secret service agents sat behind
them and one leaned forward to whisper into Bill's ear. Bill turned
around, shrugged at the agent, then lifted Hillary by the scruff of
the neck and the seat of the pants and tossed her out onto the field.
She bounced a couple of times and started screaming her head off.
Bill was surprised and turned to the secret service guy for help. The
agent just shook his head and said "No, no Mr. President. I said
'throw out the first *pitch*'!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

$100 bill sitting on the floor in the middle of a room, there are
three people in the room: a Clinton Administration official who tells
the truth, a Clinton Administration official who always lies, and the
Tooth Fairy. Lights go out, then come back on again; the $100 bill is
gone. Who took it? The Clinton Administration official who always
lies, coz the other two don't exist!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------

After World War II, many of the Western Europeans started playing
around with socialism. That was really stupid. The French, for
example, are just beginning to come to their senses.
Norway... Sweden... Denmark... SHEE-YAW... well that goes without
saying...
Now we have the newly elected Clinton Regime... Walking into a
wall is not intelligent... But walking into a wall when you saw the
guy in front of you do it... That is just plain idiotic!
----------------------------------------------------------------

GRIDLOCK (n), term denoting Congressional resistance to the
President's agenda. This term may be used ONLY when Clinton's agenda
is opposed by Congressional Republicans (i.e., Bob Dole, R-KS). Not
to be confused with "meaningful debate" or "healthy disagreement", an
identical situation that exists when the President's agenda is stymied
by Congressional Democrats (i.e., Dave Boren, D-OK).

----------------------------------------------------------------

After an intensive study of the president's personal life, it has
been determined that he is not a heterosexual, a bisexual, or even a
homosexual.
He is suffering from the rare infliction of egosexual since he is
constantly screwing himself.
----------------------------------------------------------------

As you know, there were many candidates for National Bird. Franklin
favored the wild turkey which is a tough resourceful bird, totally
unlike the butterball thing you buy at Thanksgiving. Others favored
the American Bald Eagle because it looked fierce and noble.
Bill Clinton's choice for National Bird, is the Yellow Bellied Sap
Sucker. Co-President Rodhams choice is either the Shrike (the female
of which, castrates its mate after coupling, [Watch your balls,
Bill!]) or the Harpie which is a kind of vulture. Harpies were the
birds that tore out Prometheus' liver because he had the temerity to
bring down fire from the Home of the Gods.
Labor Secretary Reich's choice is the miniature budgie, a
diminutive bird that talks much and says little. Ms. Reno's choice is
no doubt the Jail Bird.
----------------------------------------------------------------

The Liberal Media have only been telling part of the haircut story,
my conservative friends.
It seems that while Bill was getting his haircut, he also got a
manicure. Actually, being a country boy and all, Bill did know for
sure what a manicure was a first, but the manicurist was a beautiful
woman wearing a very revealing low-cut blouse. So he sat quietly and
enjoyed the view.
Just as the haircut was done, the manicurist was finishing up, and
looked up and asked Bill: "Do you want your cuticles push back?"
"Aww no, that's OK", replied Bill, "it'll be all right when I stand
up."
----------------------------------------------------------------

[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the
death penalty at this point." -- Jay Leno
----------------------------------------------------------------

Rumor has it that President Clinton is considering starting a new
career as a book wholesaler. He is said to be especially interested in
the former best-seller, "The Peter Principle". Even his harshest
critics think that Mr. Bill may be on to something this time.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Al Gore's daughters were overheard at Take-your-Daughter-to-Work-Day
complaining that they were bored and demanded to go back to school
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton on his hundredth day in office said he's done a lot but
still has a lot farther to go. That's right, he hasn't broken all his
campaign promises yet"
----------------------------------------------------------------

President Clinton's latest trial balloon is that he wants to create
a new trust fund. The plan is that all money raised by new taxes would
go into this fund and that all the money in this fund would go toward
paying off the national debt. One of Clinton's advisors has reportedly
been fired for suggesting that this new fund be named "Social Security
#2".
----------------------------------------------------------------

Looks, though, Mr. Clinton's threat to scatter US Post Offices and
postal workers around in Serbia and Bosnia has brought a truce to the
area.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton goes to a hair stylist.
"Good morning Mr. President, what are you going to do about Bosnia?"
"I'm here to have my hair cut, what the f--- do you care about Bosnia?"
"I don't care a f--- about Bosnia, dahling, but it's easier to cut
your hair when it stands on end."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill asks a page girl out. Her response: "Mr. President, if you
can raise my skirt as high as you're hiked our taxes, if you can get
your dick as hard as you've made our lives hard, if you can screw me
like you've screwed the American people, then I'll go out with you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

A Washington woman calls 911: "There's a Republican standing
outside my window, masturbating!"
"Lady, how do you know he's a Republican?"
"If he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no
steering wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have
nowhere to turn.
----------------------------------------------------------------

The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and
Hillary's faces on them... But test marketing showed that the
customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton is shaking hands with voters.
"Pleased to meet you," says one old man, "I've heard a lot about
you."
Clinton laughs: "But you can't prove any of it!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton's is addressing a gathering.
"We've got to tighten our belts..."
The audience is clapping.
"We've got to make sacrifices..."
The audience goes wild.
"Things will get much worse before they get better..."
Audience: "Thank you, Mr. President!" "That's good for the
business!" Bill is flabbergasted. "I'm trying to tax all the
business out of business, what the hell are you telling me that I'm
doing something that's good for your business? Where am I at,
anyway?"
Aide: "At the undertakers' convention!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Preelection voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat
activists are walking through the local cemetery, copying the names
off the tombstones. They come across an old tombstone so covered with
dirt and moss that they can't make out the name. "Let's skip this
one," says one. "Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill
Clinton as anyone else lying in this cemetery."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Ballot counting an Arkansas... Among the thousands of Clinton
ballots, they see a single Bush ballot. "Put it aside," says the
chief counter. A few hours later they see another Bush ballot. The
chief smiles: "Just as I thought, the Republican bastard has voted
twice! Annul both his votes."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the
Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one
life preserver jacket. Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic
thing... Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each
write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush
and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are
flying aboard Air Force 1. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred
dollar bill out the window and make someone happy." Hillary: "Why
don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten
people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me
and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and
make everybody else happy."
----------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes in a bar in Montana. He is watching TV over the bar and
Bill Clinton comes on. He says out loud to no one in particular, "If
that guy isn't the biggest horses ass I have ever seen, I don't know
who is". A big cowboy comes down the bar and knocks him off his
stool. He got back up and started watching TV again. This time
Hillary comes on. He says again out loud, "I thought Bill was bad the
Hillary is definately the Biggest Horses Ass in the world!" Another
cowboy comes from the other end and knockes him off his stool. The
guy is perplexed. He gets back on his stool and says to the
bartended. "Excuse me, I thought I was in a pretty conservative
state. Where am I? Clinton country?" "No" the bartender said.
"Sir, you're in horse country!".
----------------------------------------------------------------

An aide brings Clinton the results of the latest public opinion
poll. "The American public thinks..." Clinton interrupts: "When I
want to know what the American public thinks, I'll ask myself!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Heckler: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests
control you?"
Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton is giving a speech. A member of the audience wakes up
momentarily to ask: "Hasn't he finished yet?"
A neighbor replies: "He's finished an hour ago, but he hasn't stopped."
"What's he talking about, anyway?"
"Dunno, he didn't get there yet."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton gives a 3-hour speech. After the speech he kicks an aide on
the shin: "This was supposed to be a 1-hour speech!"
"Mr. President, you've read the original and 2 Xerox copies!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Yeltsin visits Washington, DC. Clinton is giving a speech:
"Dear President Mitterand! Hillary and I are delighted..."
An aide tugs his sleeve: "This is President Yeltsin!"
"I can see that, but the teleprompter says `Mitterand'!".
----------------------------------------------------------------

Little Chelsea walks into the bathroom while Bill Clinton is taking
a shower. She points to his penis and asks: "Daddy, what's that
for?" Bill grins: "Wait till your mother goes out to a cabinet
meeting, and you'll find out."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Chelsea comes comes to Hillary and announces that she has lost her
virginity. "You were a little to old for this," says Hillary, "but
did you at least enjoy it?"
"The first five congressmen were fun, but then my pussy got real
tired."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Chelsea is entertaining a boyfriend in her White House quarters. At
some point she unzips his fly, bends down, and starts sucking his
cock. When he comes, she timidly asks: "Did you like it?" "I liked
it an awful lot, but I'd never guess that you too are gay!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Nation-building kit, size small, slightly used. Has new water pump
and security option. Unfortunately my wife wants me to get rid of it
since we have other things to spend the money on. Best offer.
Contact ***@whitehouse.gov.
----------------------------------------------------------------

During Desert Shield, President Bush made a holiday visit to the
mideast to visit the troops.
Wonder if Commander-in-Chief Clinton plans on making a trip to
Somalia this Thanksgiving? They could have all the press out on the
beach when he wades ashore, wonderful photo opportunity. Then they
could get pictures of him leading a protest against the imperialist
yankee military and burning an American flag. Of course, all that
would make him hungry. Do they have a McDonalds there, I wonder..?
----------------------------------------------------------------

Secretary of State Warren Cristopher, on Meet the Press Sunday
morning, was asked if the Clinton administration ruled out sending
more troops into combat to arrest Somalia warlords. He replied,
"we're not ruling anything out, but the focus is on a political
solution."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton walks into a marital aids store and says to the
proprietor: "I want Hillary to fuck me in the ass with a dlido! I want
the biggest dildo you've got!"
"Yes, Mr. President, here's a 10-inch white dildo for $60."
"It's not big enough!"
"Here's a deluxe 13" 15-speed black dildo for $80."
"It's not big enough! How much is this 18" plaid dildo in your desk?"
"$120, Mr. President."
"I'll take it!"
As soon as Bill walks out the door, the proprietor starts calling
his friends: "Guess what! Bill Clinton just came in and bought my
thermos!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton is merely doing for gays in the military what Hilary has
done for Bozos in the White House: as long as she doesn't *tell*
anyone she's the President, she can continue to *be* the President.
----------------------------------------------------------------

What with scientists wanting to exhume Abraham Lincoln's remains
and analyze his DNA to determine whether he had Marfan's Syndrome, why
not dig up and clone a whole set of presidents? Then Disneyland could
have a real Abe Lincoln instead of a crummy robot...
As the National Park Service has discovered, presidents are a great
tourist attraction. Presidential Park could be established somewhere
in the vicinity of Mt. Rushmore...
Of course, unpredictable things might happen if they couldn't get a
complete DNA sequence for Eleanor Roosevelt and had to fill the gaps
with donations from Hillary Clinton...!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Well, after the PLO's and Israel shook hands and said that
everything was "hunky-dory", Clinton invited the Israeli Prime
Minister back to the oval office. The Prime Minister looked at
Clinton's desk and noticed that he had three phones: a black one, a
red one, and a white one. The Prime Minister asked, "What is the red
phone for?" Clinton said, "It's a direct line to Russia. Got to keep
up with Yeltsin." Then the Prime Minister asked, "What's the white
one for, then?" Clinton said, "That's a direct line to God. Did you
know that it's a $5,000,000 a minute phone call to him?" The Prime
Minister just nodded and went on with the tour.
Weeks later, Clinton took a secret trip to Israel and toured the
Prime Minister's office. He noticed that the Prime Minister had three
phones just like his. He asked, "What's the red phone for?" The
Prime minister replied, "It's a direct line to Russia." Clinton
nodded and then asked, "What's the white one for?" The Prime Minister
replied, "It's a direct line to God." Clinton said, "How can a poor
country like yours afford that expensive phone call?" The Prime
Minister said, "Oh, well, here it's local."
----------------------------------------------------------------

(True)
The Internet Multicasting Service was scheduled to demonstrate
Internet mail etc. on the White House lawn yesterday (October 21,
1993) but at the last minute was told there would be no electrical
power available. Making the best of it, Carl Malamud said:
"We're pleased to announce that the White House demonstration we
were planning, though slightly changed in execution from our original
goals, made a form of technical history. Though our project proposal
was approved for Internet connectivity, some slight logistical
misunderstandings resulted in a decision by White House staff that no
power would be available to any of the vendors, making operation of
our computers a real challenge.
We went ahead and made sure that our configuration would work both
with and without power in our facilities and at other remote sites.
The system worked beautifully but, due to the no-power requirement,
during our actual installation we reverted to Plan B and installed the
world's first Powerless LAN (pLAN).
We're pleased to report that this pLAN worked and implementation
was flawless. The boxes sat on the table and were able to do
everything you would expect out of a computer with the power switched
off. At this level of functionality, we successfully demonstrated
interoperability between machines from Sun Microsystems, Persoft,
Intel, Hewlett Packard, and many other leading firms in the computer
and communications industries."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Boy walks up to girl and says "I'm so bright my father calls me
SUN!" Humoriously impaired girl (blonde?) thinks this is Hillaryious
(Rodham Clintinous) so the next person she sees she says " I'm so
bright my mother calls me DAUGHTER"
----------------------------------------------------------------

(Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office)
Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be
sent to ***@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President
should be addressed to vice-***@whitehouse.gov. However, most
people don't realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed
to ***@whitehouse.gov.
----------------------------------------------------------------

On Tuesday, October 12, President Bill Clinton gave the keynote
address at a celebration of University of North Carolina's 200th
anniversary. Friendly Pawn in nearby Durham, NC displayed the
following sign:
Welcome Pres. Clinton
Ammo 50% off

----------------------------------------------------------------
There was a game show on T.V every week, in which a Special guest
had 10 questions to discover what the mystery item was.
So one week the host introduces the special guest and it's none
other than Hillary Clinton. The audience are delighted as the host
sits Hillary down on a chair and blindfolds her. Then just before he
pulls back the curtain on this weeks mystery item, he take a look at
what it is, 'cos he didn't even know himself. He nearly dies of
embarrasement when he sees it's a 'horses cock'. Thinking quickly he
decides to go ahead since it's a live show. So he draw back the
curtain and the audience cracks up laughing.
So the host say to Hillary, "Can we have your first question".
Hillary replies " Could you eat it? "
And the host mumbles a bit and says " Eh well, I eh suppose you
could" The host then says " And what's your next question Hillary?"
Hillary replies " It wouldn't happen to be a horses cock would it???"

----------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks
at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why
there are no hands. The sales clerk says - "you are suppose to read
his lips". He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and
notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it
doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run................." He then
notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs,
has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk
how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus
tax, plus tax, plus tax........................."

----------------------------------------------------------------
The White Houses recent embarassment regarding cabinet nominations,
specifically dealing with Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, and most recently,
Bobby Ray Inman, all of whom failed to pay delinquint Social Security
taxes until nominated, has given President Clinton an idea for filling
the nations coffers.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Starting next week the IRS will begin nominating everybody who owes
back taxes to U.S. cabinet posts. If it works then they may even
fight organized crime by offering Senate seats to mafia bosses.

----------------------------------------------------------------
The Clinton administration announced today that if North Korea will
voluntarily turn in its nuclear bombs, we will send them a certificate
for $100 worth of toys or sneakers.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator.
Hillary grabs the STOP button and pulls it out, stranding the pair
between floors. She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor
and says "Rush, make me feel like a _woman_!"
Rush strips off HIS clothes, throws them to the floor, and says
"Fold those."

----------------------------------------------------------------
The Clintons and the Gores were very stressed out and decided to
rest at Camp David. That night they were all sitting around the fire,
Hillary then suggested that night they should partner switch. The
others were very reluctant, but Hillary talked them into it.
The next morning Hillary was at the table, reading the newspaper,
when Bill came down. Bill got a glass of juice out of the frig and
asked Hill how was the night? She said it was the best night she had
ever had and that she had 20 orgasms. Bill's face fell. Hillary,
after going into detail with Bill finally asked, "Oh, how was your
night with Al?"

----------------------------------------------------------------
What was Clinton's biggest mistake about the Whitewater scandal?
He should have hired Oliver North as his aid de camp for shredding
documents.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Hillary Clinton is in fact a stage name. Hillary is an adaptation
of "Hillarious", which was Ms. Clinton's stage name when she was in
Vauderville, KY, doing late night comedy stick. Likewise Billary is a
stagename. Ms. Clinton's real (maiden) name was Jilliary Rodham.
All this can be found in Sedra & Fairchilds' _Presidential Trivia_
(ISDN: 284-9813-094, Harcourt, Brace, Jahovawitness).

----------------------------------------------------------------
S N O O Z E W E E K
-WASHINGTON, D.C. -- White House security officials were shocked this
morning to discover that many of the famed cherry trees that abound in
our nation's capital had been felled by a mysterious axeman. The
mystery lumberjack was identified when Secret Service agents found
President Bill Clinton, budget axe in hand, hard at work; he reported
that "I cannot tell a lie, Bush and Reagan did it."

----------------------------------------------------------------
"Webster Hubbell, you've just been accused of overbilling customers
while you worked at the Rose Law Firm in Little Rock, and now you're
quitting, in disgrace, your job as Assistant Attorney General. What
are you going to do now?"
"I'm going to the G7 Jobs Conference in Deeetroit City.."

----------------------------------------------------------------
GO (A Chinese and Japanese board game) is a lousy game. It is boring
and exhausting. All pieces (stones) are identical, showing oriental
culture does not tolerate individuality. The result is either win or
lose and there is no draw, indicating oriental culture does not
advocate compromise. No physical representation is assigned to any
piece, implying oriental people have no personality.
Yeh, there is a Chinese chess. But that was brought from India and
Chinese made some changes into it. A pawn can not be promoted and
Queen is missing from action. Chinese do not respect small-time nobody
and discriminate against women. They count cannon in as a chessman
because they love more violence. They replace bishop with prime
minister because they believe in power than free thinking. Finally
they create two guards for their general or marshall since they are
more scared and they are real "paper tigers".
(There is no King in Chinese chess, the purpose of the game is to
catch the general or the marshall)
Chess, an Occidental bored;-) game is a lousy game. It's too simple
and doesn't need to much brain. Different pieces are given different
power and ability, showing the Anglo passion for class. Unlike the Go,
as the game progresses, pieces are killed and less pieces are left
than the opening of the game, implying the Occidental culture's
preference for destruction. Whereas in Go, more pieces exist than the
opening, and all pieces eventually coexist in an integrated way,
showing that Oriental culture prefers peace and harmony. Besides, the
black square bishop can not move into white squares indicating the
Occidentals have always been promoting aparthied. However, there is
something good about Chess, the king has to depend on his wife for
strength, a justification for the Americans' choice of Bill Clinton as
their president.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, so Clinton's walking this dog around the White House lawn,
right? He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says
"Mr. President, is that a new dog?"
Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."
The marine specs the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Good
trade."
----------------------------------------------------------------

A liberal will let a few people cheat the system to make sure that
nobody goes hungry. A conservative will let a few people go hungry to
make sure nobody cheats the system.
After hearing how Hillary made $99,000.00 profit trading livestock
futures (on a $1,000 investment), I'm surprised no liberals have
figured out how to take advantage of this.
Just give Hillary the whole GNP and let her invest it in livestock
futures. Then use the profits to pay for the Clinton health care
plan.
----------------------------------------------------------------

The Clintons are certainly running a rock and roll presidency! It
ain't workin', Hilary wants our money for nothin' and Bill wants his
chicks for free!
----------------------------------------------------------------

You all know that many men name their penii because they don't want
perfect strangers making 90% of their decisions.
Ted Kennedy has a name for his: "Quick Dick", for obvious reasons.
Because he uses it so much, its often tender, so he had a leather
sleeve, or chaps made for it when he's not using it.
He calls it his Chap-a-Quick-Dick.
----------------------------------------------------------------

The other day Hillary asked Bill to get a vasectomy. So he went to
his doctor and said "Doc, I'd like a vasectomy". His doc looked at him
and turned in suprise saying "You don't need me. You can do it
yourself. All you have to do is roll up a newspaper, put a little
firecracker, put it next to your ear in it and count to 10"
Bill looked at him wryly and said "I think I want a 2nd opinion.
The next day he goes to another doctor and says "Doc, I'd like a
vasectomy". His doc looked at him and turned in suprise saying "You
don't need me. You can do it yourself. All you have to do is roll up
a newspaper, put a little firecracker in it, put it next to your ear
and count to 10".
Bill tells him "I think I'm gonna go home and sleep on this one.
He wakes up the next morning and thinks he'll give it a try. After
all, 2 doctors said it would work.
He rolls up the newspaper, puts in the litle firecracker, puts it
next to his ear and starts to count with his fingers, 1,2,3,4,5, looks
frantically around for more finger, puts the rolled up newspaper
between his legs, 6,7,8,9...
----------------------------------------------------------------

President Nixon left instructions that if he was seriously ill, he
did not want his breathing assisted by an artificial respirator. This
shows that, to the end, Mr. Nixon was capable of making firm,
reasonable decisions. President Clinton has also left instructions on
what should be done if he is critically ill. He wants to be placed on
a respirator, but he does not want to inhale.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Somebody please help the Democrats find their brain; it appears
they've lost it. Or perhaps the socialists stole it, needing one for
themselves?

----------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Clinton consulted her personal physican concerning a itching
in the groin region. After examining her, he was too embarassed to
tell her that she suffered from pubic lice. When pressed for a
diagnosis, he said, "I regret to inform you that you have 'a bug in
the oval oriface'"

----------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard they're gonna rename the President's helicopter to
"Golf Course One?"
Initially, the aides said it wasn't a personal golf game, they
claimed to be scouting out the golf course for the President. One
theory has it that this was _really_ what they were doing, scouting
out a golf course for Bill, but our President didn't have the spine to
defend them, so he sacked the aide instead.
My guess is they were scouting out babes for the President. Ah
mean, it's got to be awfully lonely locked into the White House with
Hillary all these months. And no Arkansas State Troopers to help you
out, if you know what Ah mean.
Can't you just imagine this Marine helicopter hovering over a
swimming pool in suburban Maryland, when a male voice comes over the
loudspeaker, "HEY, YOU DOWN THERE, YOU IN THE PINK BIKINI. THE
PRESIDENT WANTS TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT A JOB."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Environmental group objects to bust of Clinton
The Goddess Gaia movement demonstrated outside the White House of
the proposed stone sculpture of President Clinton.
A spokeswoman said her groups objected because, "They plan to
ruin a perfectly good rock."

----------------------------------------------------------------
So the Clinton's are going to a formal engagement. Hillary comes
down the stairs stark naked with a lemon between her thighs. Bill is
not amused and asks what the deal is. Hillary says, "This is how I am
going to go and that is that." Well, Bill marches upstairs and comes
back down naked with a potato squeezed between his thighs. Hillary
demands an explanation to which Bill replies, "If you're gonna go as a
sourpuss then I'm gonna go as a dictator!" [badoom boom]

----------------------------------------------------------------
As Bill was just a good boy from Arkansas and was not quite sure
about good etiquette at his "incoronation",
----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton, upon narrowly escaping from an assassination attempt,
decided the Secret Service just wasn't cutting it. So he granted Mike
Tyson a presidential pardon and hired him as a full-time, personal
bodyguard. Tyson accompanied him everywhere, even in the bathroom.
One day Bill and Mike were standing in front of adjacent urinals when
Bill noticed that Mike was quite well endowed. "Gee, Mike," Bill
said, "How did that thing ever get so big?"
"It's like this," Tyson replied in that distinctive voice of his.
"Every night, before I go to bed, I smack it against the bed post ten
times. That's all it takes."
"What a good idea!" said Bill. "Hillary's been ignoring me
lately; this could really perk up our love life."
Later that evening in the White House bedroom, with Hillary already
asleep, Bill decided to try it out. He undressed and began to bang
his ol' tallywhacker against the bed post. This woke Hillary, who
turned over, giggled, and said in her most romantic voice,
"That you, Mike?"

----------------------------------------------------------------
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to
dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton.
I'd like to call it "The Lion President."

----------------------------------------------------------------
At a news conference, a journalist said to the President Clinton,
"Fawn Hall said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please
comment on this."
"The truth is," said Bill, "that she has a big mouth."

----------------------------------------------------------------
If Bill Clinton got married to Lorena Bobbitt, would it get rid of
that dick in the White House?

----------------------------------------------------------------
There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks, asking
God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it would be a good
idea to write to God and see if that worked.
The post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA," they
decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to President
Clinton. The president read the letter and thought it was cute, so he
asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking the boy would think
that was a lot of money.
When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down
immediately to write a thank-you letter. "Dear God," he wrote, "Thank
you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to be expected,
but I thought you should know that when you sent it through
Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95."

----------------------------------------------------------------
One day, President Clinton was walking around Washinton DC
wondering how on earth he was going to fix the mess our country is in.
Seeking inspiration, he decided to pay a visit to several of the
monuments and memorials of the great Presidents of old.
First, he stops off at the Washington Monument, and there he meets
and talks with the spirit of President Washington. "George," he says,
"you were one of the best leaders our country ever had. You really
helped get this country off to a good start, and provided clear
direction for the people. Everybody trusted you -- how can I gain the
trust of the people?"
President Washington looked at President Clinton and said, "Never
tell a lie." Clinton thought this over, frowning, and walked on.
After a while, he came to the Jefferson Memorial, and there talked
with the spirit of Thomas Jefferson. "Tom," said Clinton, "You were
also one of our greatest founding fathers, and you helped construct
the basis for our entire legal system. You helped to pass really good
laws, and you were very popular as a president. How can I improve my
popularity?"
President Jefferson looked at President Clinton and said, "Never
raise taxes." Clinton winced, and walked away muttering to himself.
Finally, he came to the Lincoln Memorial. Feeling a little
desperate now, he pleads with the spirit of President Lincoln. "Abe,"
he says, "You were undoubtedly one of the greatest Presidents we've
ever had. You were a man of great integrity, and you really helped
pull our people together and establish unity after the Civil War.
Also, you abolished slavery, and in doing so you helped to set all of
our people free from an uncivilized institution. How can I help to
set our people free today?"
President Lincoln looked at President Clinton and said simply, "Go
see a play."

----------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk guy meets up with three women at a bar and ends up taking
all three of them home with him for the night. Those three women turn
out to be Lorena Bobbit, Tanya Harding and Hillary Clinton. And the
next morning, the guy awoke to find his dick cut off and both of his
legs broken. Adding insult to injury, he didn't have any health
insurance!

----------------------------------------------------------------
The way that things are going. It's clear why the Clinton
Administration wants to reinvent government. They're having a lot of
trouble dealing with the existing form....Democracy.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Clinton is planning to launch an invasion of Haiti. As far as the
numbers are concerned, their trigger fingers outnumber our invading
trigger fingers 2 to 1. Our ships weigh about 100 times more than
theirs, at least). What I can't figure out is why we send so many
ships when all the fighting is going to be on land. Are we supposed
to win just because our navy looks intimidating? Maybe, if we let all
the guns on the ships go off at once, the Juntu will say, "Wow, big
noise, lots of ships, better give up, yes/no?" Fat Chance.
And what is Clinton doing out there, anyway? We have no vested
interest in Haiti. Saving the people? Then why did we ignore the
Serbs? I think the Pres. is going for a quick and easy war that he
can win for brownie points. I see a problem. If he wants to assure
that win, why is he sending over such a small number of soldiers. We
got plenty of soldiers. We could outnumber them 3 to 1 and make them
look like Boy Scouts compared to us. Maybe he's going for the heroic
image. "They outnumbered us, but we kicked their butts, anyway."

----------------------------------------------------------------
"Jimmy, listen to me. I've done everything except tell Cedras that
I'll cut off his nuts and feed 'em to Flipper, but the stupid bastard
still won't hit the bricks. Could you stop by the White House and
pick up about $50 million and carry it down to Port au Prince, and
explain to him just how well he could live on that money if he moved
to Hope, Arkansas? Thanks, Jimmy, and by the way, could you send some
of your Habitat for Humanity folks up here to fix the wiring in the
West Wing?"

----------------------------------------------------------------
President Clinton told reporters today that the planned invastion
of Haiti could be "the most umpopular thing I've ever had to do as
President."
Mr. President, we beg to differ. The most unpopular thing you've
ever done was to be inagurated as President. It's been downhill since
then, too.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Clinton was about to get Republicans in Congress to approve an
invasion by simply telling Bob Dole, "we have a new plan. Haitians
will be welcomed into this country, provided they all move to Kansas."


----------------------------------------------------------------
President Clinton and Vice President Gore were coming back from a
Health Care meeting in their Limo when Gore asks, "Hey Bill, what are
you gonna do when you get back to the White House?" The Slickster
replied, "Well, I'm gonna tear off Hillary's panties!" "Wow",
exclaimed Gore, "I didn't know you and Hillary were so passionate!" So
Clinton replies, "We're not. It's just that these damn things are
starting to tear into my waist!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old
bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie
snakes out.
Genie: Hi Bill, I'm a very weak genie so I can only grant you one
wish and it had better be easy if you want me to do it.
Clinton: I pray for world peace, give me that
Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier.
Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?
Genie: World peace it is.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the Clinton's switched from MCI to AT&T. They didn't
have enough friends and family to keep up the calling circle.

----------------------------------------------------------------
First Lady Hillary Clinton, bristling somewhat under questions
about the thumping the Republicans laid on the Democrats last week,
gave her opinion about how President Clinton should react to the
Republican majority on the hill, "I think he should not let the
Republicans dictate his agenda. I think he should continue to govern
on the goals that he ran and was elected on. And he better do EXACTLY
what I say."
There's been some speculation that if the Clintons stop off in
Singapore, Tom Foley is planning to fly out there to give old Bubba
about 20 lashes with the cane for all the damage he did to the
Democratic party.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven.
St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody'
down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm
swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon
as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She
notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on
that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help
notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead 15 minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man
on Earth." Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps
ahead 15 minutes?" St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that
belongs to that clock has just committed adultery." Hillary asks,
"Well, is MY husband's clock on the wall?" St. Peter replies, "Oh,
hell no. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric
fan."

----------------------------------------------------------------
At a press conference a few weeks ago (just after the firing of
Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders) a member of the press corps asked
Clinton if he had ever masturbated. Clinton responded with, "Yes, but
I don't ejaculate."

----------------------------------------------------------------
The following was taken from an anonymous source somewhere in the
vicinity of Oxford, England (probably recorded in a pub at a late
hour!)
That Clinton Laudatio in full
WILHELMUS JEFFERSONIUS AIRPLANUS CLINTONENSIS, SALUTAMUS
VENERABILIS UNIVERSITATIS OXONIENSIS. QUONDAM RHODUS SCHOLASTICUS ET
MARIJUANA NON-INHALIENSIS, ET EX BELLO VIET- NAMENSIS NON
CONSCRIPTIONE EX- CUSATUS. SUBSEQUENTIS GUBERNATOR RESPUBLICA
ARKANSENSIS ET PERPETRA- TOR CRIMINALIS SLEAZISSIMUS IN NOMINE "AQUA
BLANCA" SCANDALUS, CUM TUA UXORE HILLARIUS RODDAMA CLINTES- TERONE.
ETIAM LEGOVERUS MULTI- TUDINUS CUM MULTAE BIMBONES, GENNIFA FLORES,
PAULA JONES ET CETERA, ET CETERA. SATYRIASIS ABNORMALIS IN MODO
PRESIDENTIUS KENNEDENSIS. TUA FAMA EXTENDID PER OMNE MUNDO PRO
JOGGENDO, JUVANDO AD SAXOPHONUM ET NON MUCH ELSE. ESPERAMUS QUID PRO
QUO MULTI RICHI AMERICANI DONABUNT MUCHOS DOLLARES AD UNIVERSITATEM
OXONIENSIS.
OMNES: VIVAT, VIVAT CLINTSTONE ZABA-DABA-DOO.

----------------------------------------------------------------
From the Desk Of Bill Clinton
Dear Hillary:
I am sorry that things have come to this pass. It all began with
Walter Murdock, Lieut., USN Ret., whose paranoia spun out of control
and threatened the whole fabric of our reality. Walter sent me notes
at ***@whitehouse.gov in a spirit of self-importance exceeded
only by my own. Those notes were duly passed on to the Secret Service,
who duly scratched their heads and tried to figure out what Walter was
really saying between the lines. They concluded that he was forwarding
threats to the President in furtherance of his own motives, which in
turn were shaped by associations that reached deeply into his
past. Duly alarmed, they've now put out an APB for Walter, and at this
moment are questioning his neighbors, friends and relatives concerning
those associations and his hidden motives. None of this should have
remotely been of concern to me, but it turns out that a close friend
of mine at UC Davis was the author of one of the notes that was
forwarded to me by Walter, and while his intentions and comments were
completely innocent, Walter's actions have jeopardized his position at
the University, which in turn has caused him very serious problems
with his wife. I think you will remember his wife, Deborah Schuster,
whom you met at the Inaugural Ball and whom I have known for some
time.
It is a matter of some embarrasment to me that Deborah has now
approached Walter Murdock with the groundless charge that I once had
an affair with her, and that her husband's idle comments, turned into
official fodder for the Secret Service, were born of that
relationship. While all of this would seem to be a tempest in the
proverbial teapot, I must admit that there was a time when Deborah and
I were very close. I will not say we were intimate, but I was very
vulnerable at the time and she very cruelly took advantage of my
natural fondness for the opposite sex. Walter Murdock, of course,
immediately apprised the investigating officer of the Secret Service
of this startling development, and they of course relayed the news to
me. I asked them at that time to try to find Walter before his
paranoia sunk the whole ship, but upon learning of his relationship
with Deborah, my friend at UC Davis became appropriately enraged and
forced him into hiding. Since he was hiding at the same time the
Secret Service was looking for him, he was declared a fugitive and has
become the subject of an international manhunt.
Ordinarily, not even all of these events would unduly concern me,
but as fate would have it, the UC Davis fellow, like you and me a
graduate of Yale, had participated like you in the experiment, now
discredited, which led to your being photographed in the nude. A
retired professor from UC Davis now doing research at the Smithsonian
on body types managed to acquire for him (for a substantial price, I
might add) a copy of the photograph of you that was taken during your
matriculation. With Walter safely out of his reach, he angrily decided
to make a deal with the publisher of Penthouse, Bob Guccione, for
publication of your picture. While I would find this embarassing, as
of course you would, it seems that the publisher added an extra fillip
to his presentation of your assets by adding certain indiscreet
photographs taken by an ex-roomate of Deborah's from Deborah's
personal scrapbook. This was of concern to me because I appear in
those pictures unclothed from the neck down (I'm wearing a silly
little hat, but not on my head). This picture reveals us in flagrante
delicto, I'm sorry to say, although we in fact never had intercourse;
it was more like that business in Arkansas with that other woman
you've unfortunately been reading about.
Frankly, I could live with our pictures in Penthouse, but this
whole affair has unfortunately become enmeshed in the Vince Foster
matter, and the New York Times, having received advance word of the
explosive contents of new month's Penthouse, has gone forward with a
Vince Foster project that had been on the back burner (and I thought
they had given up on it, frankly). They plan to tie his suicide to the
relationship between Deborah, the UC Davis fellow and myself, claiming
that it was an unsavory bisexual relationship whose details had come
to him through an overzealous Naval officer who remains unidentified.
Normally, this would not unduly excite me, but again, certain
photographs have come to light -- or at least are swimming toward the
light, meaning publication in the New York Times sister publication,
US Magazine, and these again involve me in certain unclothed
shenanigans that could be misconstrued by the naive as suggesting the
existence of an appetite on my part for unusual sex practices. Nothing
could be further from the truth, of course, but with this revelation
the Times has also learned that both Deborah and the professor are
afflicted with a terrible disease, and I don't mean genital herpes,
although that is part of the problem. I am referring, of course, to
AIDS.
As you know, I am as tolerant of alternative sexual behaviors and
their potential outcomes as the next person (assuming that that is Al
Gore), and far be it from me to condemn Deborah or her husband for
having roped me into posing with them in ways that could be construed
to suggest that I am likely to have become a carrier of AIDS in
consequence. I am not saying, of course, that I do have AIDS, although
at this point I must confess that that is what the White House doctor
says; I have to caution you that his tests are potentially flawed, and
not at all foolproof. Nonetheless, as this might be an issue of
concern to you, considering the relationship that has deveoped between
you since the (aptly named) Inaugural Ball, I wanted to present it to
you as directly as possible under the circumstances. Lacking
television time (and perhaps the gumption, I admit) to spell it out in
my State of the Union Address, I have chosen this rather more
appropriate approach. I trust that Walter will forward it to you via
the Secret Service along with all the other nonsense he has
accumulated, and that after appropriate analysis and screening, they
will pass it on to you in my absence.
I love you and miss you already.
Sincerely,
Bill

----------------------------------------------------------------
*This Can't Be For Real!*
by Peg Wagner
In the past, I felt that many times our government was ignorant of
our lifestyles here in the West, but when a recent article, written by
the *Billings Gazette*, was brought to my attention, I didn't realize
just how bad it really is!
According to the article, President Clinton learned there were
100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. Since Clinton was so upset with
ranchers' protests over his grazing policies, he told U.S. Secretary
of Interior Bruce Babbitt to fire half the cattle guards immediately!
Before Babbitt could proceed with the President's wishes, Colorado
representative Pat Schroeder intervened with a request that before any
were fired, they would be given six months of retraining.
Yes, folks, what you have read is true. Hilarious, depending on how
you look at it. SCARY, definitely.
--October 26, 1994, Newcastle Reporter
(Transcribers note - for all of you DC folks reading this, a cattle
guard is a bunch of parallel pipes that cattle will not cross because
they can't walk on pipes.)
----------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he
thinks is going to save America. So he goes to talk it over with
Senator Dole. Dole says, "Well Bill, the Republicans aren't to sure
about this, why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000
word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. and If you give it to me by 8am
tomorrow, we'll think about it." So Bill goes back and does probably
that hardest nights work ever, he really put his heart and soul into
the paper and proudly handed it over to Bod, he told him to come back
the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day
Bill again trudges in and Bob says, "Well Mr President, we were
impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling
mistakes, so here's the deal, here's a dice, if you role 1 to 5 we
won't pass it."
"But what if I get a 6?" Bill asks.
And Bob replies, "You get to roll again".
----------------------------------------------------------------

President Clinton ordered a cost saving program to the U.S. Army
commander. "Cut anywhere, but you must cut in any way possible."
"OK," said the commander and looked around at some way to cut
spending.
Perhaps if he could get rid of some old records, that may please
the President. So he went to the storage depot and discover that the
Army still had menus and supply orders of food from the Civil
War. Very pleased that he could show this worthless orders to the
President, he ask if he might distroy all the papers.
"Why, yes," said Clinton. "But be sure to make two copies of each
before you do."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Saw a cartoon in Reason Magazine, Richard Nixon sitting next to
Bill Clinton. Tricky Dick turns to Billy Jeff and say, "Slick
Willie. I like that."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill and Hillary were discussing a problem with Chelsea listening
to Rush Limbaugh and keeping posters of Newt Gingrich in her room.
Hillary told Bill she thought Chelsea was searching for a stronger
Father figure. Bill said "Hey, what do you mean ? I've had Janet Reno
over for Dinner three times this week already!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
The Clinton Administration released the results of a study they had
been conducting over the past 2 years. This study, costing the
American taxpayer $325,000,000.00 reveals that 3 out of 4 people make
up 75% of the population!!

----------------------------------------------------------------
Reporter: Could you fill in the following sentence, "I believe I
should be re-elected as President because..."
President: Ah believe Ah should be re-elected as president because,
Ah, Ah'm good at following instructions.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Among the many talents of Bill Clinton, he is also an excellent
ladies golf instructor. He starts out with the irons and leads them
into the woods.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton was carrying a live turkey down the street when a man
walks up and says, "Where did you get that Turkey?" The turkey
replied, "I don't know, he just picked me up."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Seems that Hillary is having quite a fight with the White House
decorators. She insists the washer and dryer go on the front porch.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Candidate Clinton was stumping for votes one day, and at the end of
his speech, he exhorted everyone to vote for him. "Not me" came a
voice from the back. "Why not?" asked Bill. "Because my father was a
Republican, and his father before him, and by God, I'm going to vote
Republican, too!"
"That's no way to think", retorted Bill. "What if they were all
liars, adulterers, and drug addicts?" "Well then, I guess we would all
vote Democratic."

----------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was married three times and was on her way to her fourth
honeymoon. She confided to her new husband that she was still a
virgin! "How can that be?" the husband asked incredulously. "Well, my
first husband turned out to be a homosexual so our marriage did not
last beyond the wedding night. My second husband had a disfiguring
accident. He did not tell me this until after the wedding. My third
husband was a Democrat who sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
wonderful it was going to be."

----------------------------------------------------------------
From the Documentary, Feed. At a Clinton campaign rally, a
supporter approached the governor and said, "You're pro-choice,
right?" Clinton responded proudly, "Yes, I am.". The young man then
asked with a straight face, "How many abortions are you personally
responsible for?" Clinton was taken aback and said, "none", "zero"
with a circular hand gesture and walked away. The young man concluded
that Clinton was a good sport as he was only joking with him.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton visited an Indian reservation during the campaign to
address the tribe. "If elected", Clinton declared, "I will insure the
rights of all native Americans." "Kowabonga", the Indians in the crowd
murmured. "If elected", Clinton said, "I will work for self-rule on
all reservations."
"Kowabonga!", more Indians call out. "If elected", Clinton
asserted, "I will guarantee the Native Americans welfare and no taxes
for all time."
"KOWABONGA! KOWABONGA", the tribe chanted as one. As the chief was
escorting Clinton to his limo, Clinton says, "I thought that went
rather well, didn't you?" The chief grabs Clinton's arm. "Careful",
the chief says. "You almost stepped in a big pile of kowabonga,"

----------------------------------------------------------------
President Clinton offered General Raoul Cedras a cash bonus to
leave Haiti, or face an invasion by the US Armed Forces.
General Cedras replied: "No Tanks!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
After 30 hours of meetings, Colin Powell said, "Last chance. If
you don't step down now, Jimmy Carter will start talking again."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Yessiree, Bill Clinton's already preparing for life after the
presidency!
I understand that in his upcoming State of the Union Address he
will propose increasing in the minimum wage.

----------------------------------------------------------------
I think the Clinton administration could take a lesson from the
subsidies we pay farmers not to grow things. The Department of Wolves
(a new Cabinet-level deparment soon to be added by President Clinton)
could pay hunters $500 **not** to kill wolves.
"Heck, George, today was kinda bad. I only didn't kill ten wolves
today. But yesterday was real good--I didn't kill 20 of 'em
yesterday."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the Secret Service double security on Hillary Clinton
immediately after the inauguration? If something happens to her, then
Bill will become president.

----------------------------------------------------------------
What will be the two major changes in the military under Bill
Clinton? Rear admiral will have a new meaning and he will form a new
special forces unit called the Pink Berets. Their motto: "We never
leave our buddies behind!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton was just finishing a roll in the hay with his latest
floozy who asked him, "Well, do you want the good news or the bad
news?" Bill replied, "I'll take the good news." "Well", she said,
you're MUCH better than Magic Johnson!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
On his death bed, Bill Clinton had one last wish. "Change me into a
conservative", he pleaded to Surgeon General Elders. "Why?", Joycelyn
gasped in shock. "Because it is better that one of them dies rather
than a liberal."

----------------------------------------------------------------
In the future, we will be able to harvest brain proteins to enhance
our intelligence. The following is a scene from a brain store:
Man in store: "How much are the Republican brains?"
Shopkeeper: "$50 per pound and they are the most popular!"
Man: "How come the Democratic brains are marked $1000 an ounce?"
Shopkeeper: "Do you know how many Democrats have to be slaughtered to
get an ounce of brains?"

----------------------------------------------------------------
This guy dies and he's looking in the gates of hell and he sees
John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The guy turns to the Devil
and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The
Devil replies, "Well, Jack has done some bad things in his life and
that's his punishment." The guy looks around a little more and sees
Bill Clinton with Bo Derek. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton
doing with Bo Derek?" God replied, "Well, Bo did some pretty bad
things in her life."

----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into an antique shop and asked, "How much for that
brass rat?" The store owner replied, "The rat is free but the story
that goes with it is $100." The man said, "Forget the $100, just give
me the brass rat." When the man left the store, he noticed a rat
following him. The man sped up his pace and the rat continued to
follow. Trying to lose the rat, the man turned and ran across a
bridge. The rat was close behind so the man tossed the brass rat into
the river. The rat jumped after the brass rat and drowned.
The man rushed back to the antique store where the owner said, "I
bet you want to buy the story that goes with the brass rat." The man
replied, "No, but do you have a brass Clinton?"

----------------------------------------------------------------
In Vancouver, a Yeltsin aide ran up and said, "Mr. Yeltsin, they
are ruining the country! The hard-line communists are increasing the
pressure and the government is installing socialism!" Boris replied,
"Yes, I know. However, I absolutely refuse to meddle in the affairs of
the United States."

----------------------------------------------------------------
A man is hitch hiking prior to the election; a car slows and the
driver asks "Who are you voting for this November?" The hitchhiker
replies "Bush", and the car speeds off. It's a very hot day, with very
few cars passing. The hitchhiker feels it's time for more pragmatic
politics. Another car slows, this time driven by a very attractive
young woman. She asks, "Who are you voting for come November?" The
hitchhiker replies "Clinton" -- the young woman says "get in". After
some time, as they drive along, the woman begins loosening her
clothing, and making all sort of invitations. The hitchhiker gets very
nervous. The woman notices his nervousness and asks what is the
matter. The hitchhiker replies "Well, I've got a confession to make:
I've only been a Democrat for 20 minutes and already I feel like
screwing somebody."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton was playing golf with a stranger when Bill asked him
what he did for a living. "I'm a hit man", replied the stranger. Just
then, Bill looks up through a house window and sees a naked Hillary
facing a naked man. "How much do you want for killing my wife?" an
enraged Bill asks. "$100,000", replied the stranger. "How much more to
shoot the reproductive organs off the man?"
"Another $100,000", replied the stranger. Bill gives his approval
to the operation. As the stranger peered through the rifle scope,
Bill said "Hurry up". The stranger replied, "If you just wait a
minute, I'll save you $100,000!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
ODE TO STEPHANOPOULOUS- His final press conference response when
asked how many Clinton staffers it takes to screw in a light bulb:
"What light bulb? We'll get back to you as soon as we are given
official word. We are not at liberty to say. However, no public money
will be used; and we are sure that it will be an energy-efficient
type, packaged in recycled paper, purchased from a minority- owned
store. We are committed to get the light bulb screwed in at some time
in the future. Who leaked this to you?"

----------------------------------------------------------------
Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his
stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost,
and how good will this look?" Christophe replied just ten minutes,
cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later,
Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a
bill for $200. Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn't look
that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"
Christophe replied, "That makes us even."

----------------------------------------------------------------
On a health care tour, Hillary was taken to a hospital room and saw
an elderly man masturbating in bed. When asked what was going on, she
was told the man had a strange disease where ejaculation is the only
relief for the symptoms. In the next room, Hillary was shocked to see
a man receiving oral sex from a nurse. "What's this?", she
barked. "Same disease, but he has health insurance", replied the
guide.

----------------------------------------------------------------
At a party, a man began to tell a Clinton joke. A youngster
overheard the conversation and said, "Hey! I work in the White House."
"Oh", replied the joke teller, "Then I'll tell it very slowly."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill was driving in the mountains when he went too fast around the
curve and found his car teetering on the edge of a sheer drop. The
president was thrown through the windshield and was balanced
precariously on the hood of the car. He didn't dare breathe lest the
car become unbalanced and crash to the rocks below.
A few minutes later, an average American voter came along in a
pickup truck with a long rope in the back. Bill hoarsely whispered,
"Help me, help me.
The car may go at any moment and I'll die if you don't help."
The voter said, "What?"
Bill said, "If I move, both me and the car are going over the
cliff. I need you to either throw me the rope and pull me to safety,
or sit on the back bumper of the car so I can crawl off of here." The
voter did neither and a gust of wind came and blew the car over the
cliff.
Another voter happened by and heard the end of the exchange between
the two men. "Why didn't you save him? Didn't you hear him?" The voter
with the rope replied, "Yeah, I heard him. But you know how he
lies..."

----------------------------------------------------------------
During the recent papal visit, Clinton requested that the Pope hear
his confession. The Pope raised his eyebrow and said, "You know Bill,
I only have a couple of days here."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill was complaining to Hillary about cutting the White House
staff. "If you would learn to iron, we could do without the ironing
lady." Hillary replied, "If you learned how to make love, we could do
without the gardener!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
We obtained the following note from Clinton's top-secret medical
records: "The patient complained of pain everywhere he touched. When
asked to demonstrate, the patient pointed to his elbow, neck, nose,
and leg wincing with pain at each touch. Mr. Clinton was diagnosed as
having a broken finger."

----------------------------------------------------------------
The good news was that Bill Clinton arrived to throw out the first
pitch. The bad news is that Les Aspin showed up and closed 3 of the
bases.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Al and Bill were discussing pre-marital sex. Al asked Bill, "I
never slept with my wife before we were married, did you?" Bill
replied, "I'm not sure, what was Tipper's maiden name?"

----------------------------------------------------------------
In a meeting with the Pope, Clinton was arguing his pro-abortion
stance. Clinton finally asked the unwavering Pope, "Your holiness,
you mean to tell me you can see no possible reason in the world where
abortion is the right choice?" he Pope thought for a second and said,
"Yeah, maybe one, but it's about 46 years too late."

----------------------------------------------------------------
President Clinton was visiting the US Military Academy at West
Point and wound up in the stable to inspect their mascot, the Army
Mule. Being TOTALLY ignorant of military tradition, he asked the
commandant why the Army still kept mules. The commandant briefed the
president about the tradition of the Army Mule. Historically, it was
used for hauling heavy artillery through muddy fields without
consuming oil or gasoline. In a desperate situation, it could always
be used for food. The commandant, realizing he was addressing a renown
skirt-chaser, added an aside: "Also, sir, in the old days, when the
officers got horny out on maneuvers, they'd always have the mule to
use."
This thought intrigued the president and he gave a little grin, but
continued with the inspection.
A year later, the president was called upon to inspect West Point
again and remembered only the story of the mule. After the inspection
was over, Clinton ordered the Sergeant-Major to "Saddle up that mule!"
The commander-in-chief then hopped up on the mule and galloped off
into the woods, leaving everyone flabbergasted.
By the time the Secret Service, the commandant, and the
Sergeant-Major had saddled up their horses, ridden out, and caught up
with the president, they found him naked in a thicket with his
distinguishing characteristics exposed, and the mule grazing nearby.
"My God, Mr. President, what happened?" exclaimed the
commandant. "Well, after last night with Hillary, I thought I might
give it a try, what you said last year about horny soldiers using the
mule," the president responded, "but the mule didn't like it very
much."
"Sir," the Sergeant-Major explained, "the soldiers used to use the
mule to ride into town!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
President Clinton recently hosted Boys' Nation. Its 100 high school
boys who want to be just like Mr. Clinton. Just in case this was
true, the Secret Service doubled Chelsea's bodyguard.
Shortly afterward, Hillary hosted Girls' Nation. The Secret Service
doubled Chelsea's bodyguard again.

----------------------------------------------------------------
It's 2:00 am, and Mr. Clinton arrives home late!
Hillary: Damn it Bill, where have you been?!
Bill: Out in the White House garden fertilizing my Flowers.

----------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor gave Hillary (Clinton) the news, "You're pregnant!"
Hillary (Clinton) called Bill (Clinton) on the phone, gave him the
news, and screamed, "Why weren't you using a condom?"
Bill (Clinton) replied, "I ALWAYS use a condom! ... Who is this,
anyway?"

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill and Hillery are standing on top of a 30 story burning
building. Because of the hight of the building laders are unable to
reach the first couple on the top of the building. The firefighters
get out their net and yell to the Clintons they they will have to jump
if they are to be saved. Hillery, the ballsier of the two, pushes
Bill aside telling him "I must jump first." Bill gawks and asks why.
Hillery explains that if he jumps first and she dies in the flames
that it will be impossible for him to run the country without her
help. Bill, seeing the wisdom of this, agrees. So, with a smile of
triumph, Hillery throws herself over the edge to the awaiting net
below. About the time she reaches the fifth floor on her way to the
bottom the firemen pull the net away. Hillery, screaming, crashes to
her death on the pavement.
The Firemen, smiling proudly to one another, yell up to Bill "Come
on Mr. President, jump we will catch you in the net."
Bill, feeling throughly impressed with his own intelligence, yells
to the Firefighters "No way! I saw what you guys did to Hillery. Put
the net DOWN, then I'll jump!"

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton has introduced a bill giving midgets "Handicap"
status. With this handicap status midgets are eligible for government
housing. The governments new project is called "Stay-free
Mini-pads"!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------
The number of presidential aids required to change a light bulb
depends on the president.
Nixon: Only one to change the light bulb but five to go out in the
middle of the night and steal the light bulb. Then nine to lie and
cover up for the five who got caught stealing the light bulb.
Ford: Three to select the study committee, nine to sit on the study
committee, five to review the study committee's report, one to shelve
the report.
Carter: The president went out himself and purchased a dozen bulbs
at a discount, then he changed the bulb himself. Then it took three to
write the press release, two to apologize for violating union rules,
and five union electricians to put back the old burned out bulb.
Reagan: One to shoot out the old burned out bulb with a 45. Then a
carpenter a plasterer and an electrician to replace the fixture.
Bush: Twenty five to smuggle cocaine from Colombia and divert the
profits to light bulb purchase. Three to launder the excess funds. Two
to explain that the president was out of the loop.
Clinton: One to give the president a blow job while he changes the
light bulb.

----------------------------------------------------------------
There were 3 high school-aged boys walking down the street in
Washington. Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he's
about to be hit by a car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save
his life. Bill says "Thank you for saving my life. I'll grant each
of you one wish."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Georgetown."
Bill pulls some strings and gets the boy admitted.
The second boy says "I want to get into West Point, but it normally
requires a Congressional appointment".
So Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and gets the
boy his appointment.
The third boy says "I want to be buried in Arlington National
Cemetery."
Bill says "That's an odd request for a 17-year old!"
The boy says "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved your life
he's gonna kill me!"
--Thanks to Rush Limbaugh, apparently.

----------------------------------------------------------------
WGST radio in Atlanta reported yesterday that the Clinton's cat
Socks arrived at the White House after being driven from Arkansas by a
friend.
According to the reporter, "Socks ran around the room becoming
familiar with the new surroundings. There was that one embarrassing
moment though when Socks, as cats will do, began scratching a post.
Unfortunately, it was Vice President Al Gore."

----------------------------------------------------------------
After taking unofficial office, Hillary wants to have her middle
name used when news reports refer to her, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Since she is quite assertive and is giving Mr. Bill and others advice
on many matters, maybe she should be called Hillary "Ram-rod 'em"
Clinton.

----------------------------------------------------------------
So what if Bill did it with Jennifer or Gennifer or whatever her
name is? A little playfulness doesn't seem to have affected John
F. Kennedy's standing as one of the great Presidents of our history.
And in order to live up to his standard, if Clinton is elected, I
guess he'll have to fuck Madonna and get the CIA to stage her
"suicide".

----------------------------------------------------------------
Four doctors, a German, a Frenchman, a Russian, and an American are
discussing state of the art medicine at an international doctors
convention. The Frenchmen proclaims "Ah, medicine in France is so
advanced that we can put a liver in a man and have him back to work in
6 weeks."
The German says "That's nothing. In Germany we can put a lung in a
man and have him back to work in 4 weeks."
The Russian says "You guys know nothing about medicine. Surgery in
Russia is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one man, put
it in another, and have both out of bed and looking for work in 2
weeks."
The American doctor just shakes his head. "You are all so
backward. We can take an ***hole out of Arkansas, put him in the
White House, and the very next day half the country will be looking
for work!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

======================================================
FROM NATIONAL REVIEW, February 15 1993, The Week, p.14
======================================================
"Little noted by the press, vegetable-rights activists raided the
kitchen of the Willard Hotel in Washington, D.C., and liberated
several vegetables and fruits that were to be murdered and eaten by
PETA at its inauguration gala."
----------------------------------------------------------------

Besides, where's the Gore quote during the inauguration:
AG: Who's that guy? (pointing to a bust of ...)
Guide: That's President George Washington. (after he had said it about
a minute before)
----------------------------------------------------------------

Clinton told his wife: I am sick of politics and formal life. Why
don't you take a break and relax? She asked. He asked how? She said
I've heard of this place in DC on a hill on the ocean, we can go there
as anonymous and be ourselves. So they both disguised (sp?)
themselves; dressed up in normal cheap clothing, and drove a cheap car
to the location. They got in a romantic-kissing-and-*** atmosphere,
the police shows up,
Police: Give me some id young man; you are under arrest.
Bill : Why, I've never done anything like this before, forget
about my id, PLEASE.
Police: I don't have to go thru this everyday, I know you've never
done it, but this bitch with you comes here everyday .

----------------------------------------------------------------
In response to Janet Reno's challenge to reduce violence on TV (or
else...), CBS has come up with the following favorites of the Clinton
administration and family: BEVERLY HILLBILLIES 90210
Com'n listen to the story 'bout a bunch of rich spoiled teenagers,
barely keep their clothes on. This spinoff of the not-so-popular
movie is reportedly a favorite of Chelsea Clinton's. This week Ellie
Mae has a lot of explaining to do when she invites Arsenio over to do
"the wild thing." Jethro still has that nasty infection. BUTTROAST,
BY GOLLY!
United Nations Secretary General Butros Butros Ghali gives it all
up to open a butcher shop in Arkansas. The specialty of the house,
you got it, butt roast. Bill Clinton tunes in every week for the
combination of politics and damn good downhome food. Even if he is a
furriner. PICKET NOSES
CBS changed the name of this show a couple years ago to get more
audience share. This week, a group of homosexual (uh, gay) midget
(uh, short people) dyslexic agnostic insomniacs stay up all night
wondering if there is a DOG. In a subplot, a group of renegade
Indians (uh, Native Americans) take over a public building and leave
the place a mess. The two young officers finally have unprotected
sex...on the sherriff's desk. In a subplot, a group of dikes (uh,
lesbians) midget dyslexic agnostic insomniacs stay up all night
wondering if there is a BITCH. This show is reportedly a favorite of
Donna Shalala's. Even if there are too many men in the cast. PLAYING
WITH FIRE
This new show, about a group of Amazons who take over a crumbling
bureaucracy and restore some order to it, is reportedly a favorite of
Janet Reno's.

----------------------------------------------------------------
I overheard this remark in a discussion of how Clinton's recent
bumblings were similar to the previous Democratic presidency:
"Welcome back Carter"
(as in the TV show Welcome back Kotter for those too young to
remember, but then you were lucky enough not to remember Jimmy Carter,
too)

----------------------------------------------------------------
True story:
In the Library of Congress' electronic card catalog, one can run a
search on pretty much any subject phrase. The results of one search in
particular were interesting:
Subject: Erotic Art
See Art, Immoral
I guess the database hasn't been revised since Clinton assumed office...

----------------------------------------------------------------
Some net critic:
Steven Segal is ABOVE THE LAW!
Steven Segal is UNDER SIEGE!
Steven Segal is HARD TO KILL!
Steven Segal is ON DEADLY GROUND!
Steven Segal is UNABLE TO ACT!
Jawaid Bazyar, in a followup
Bill Clinton is ABOVE THE LAW!
Bill Clinton is UNDER SIEGE!
Bill Clinton is HARD TO KILL (politically)
Bill Clinton is ON DEADLY GROUND!
Unless he disproves all allegations, Bill Clinton will be UNABLE TO
ACT!
Copyright (C) 1994 The Anti-Clinton Enterprises and Jawaid Bazyar

----------------------------------------------------------------
After hearing how Hillary made $99,000.00 profit trading livestock
futures (on a $1,000 investment), I'm surprised no liberals have
figured out how to take advantage of this.
Just give Hillary the whole GNP and let her invest it in livestock
futures. Then use the profits to pay for the Clinton health care
plan.

----------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope and President Clinton are sitting together on a plane.
The Pope says "Hey, want to hear a good President Clinton joke?"
Clinton says "But I'm President Clinton!"
The Pope replies, "Oh, that's ok. I'll tell it slow."

----------------------------------------------------------------
When will Billie Jeff and the President offer the White
House and their personal papers and effects be searched like "dem
po niggas" in Chicago?
I say we invoke the "zero tolerance" law and repossess
the White House.

----------------------------------------------------------------
I think Hillary Clinton's husband Bill (the "First President")
topped all "Quayleisms". He said
"Science will be the sole criteria in determining our
environmental policy."
(Of course, he meant to say "_Political_ science will be the sole
criterion.....), but that dickhead Ted Turner didn't direct his
sycophants to make an issue of it.

----------------------------------------------------------------
After having read the interview in USA WEEKEND it is difficult to
understand what her job really is. It seems as though it is just a
means of expressing her own personal ideas about a variety of
subjects that she decides might be in some way related to the
"health" of our country.
It would be nice to hear from some people in govt what the actual
"job" of the Surgeon General is.
Bill Clinton wants his appointments "to look more like America."
Therefore, he needed somebody to represent the grossly stupid.

----------------------------------------------------------------
In the New York Times of last Tuesday (10 January 95) the front
page carried the story about Hillary Clinton's problems projecting the
image she wanted. (Where she admitted that she "...was 'naive and
dumb' about national politics...") Inside (page B5 -- the Science
Times) was an article about the "rewards and drawbacks of being a
dominant female baboon."

----------------------------------------------------------------
OK, I'm with you President Clinton, enough of this silliness with
the baseball strike. Since baseball is our national pasttime, I think
there may an opportunity here to show the rest of the nation how your
policies work. So here's what you can do:
1. Give all baseball players the new minimum wage of $5.05/hour.
2. Since the baseball owners are ultra-rich, levy a special 75%
tax rate for all owners (in the name of a middle-class tax cut).
3. Give all baseball participants, players, owners, sportscasters,
FREE government health care.
4. Play ball!
And if no one goes for that, then send in Jimmy Carter..

----------------------------------------------------------------
" The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United
States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction
of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors."
So what are you accusing Clinton of? Please be specific. As I said we
haven't had a good flame war in a while and writing "He just sucks" might
be guaranteed free speech but it is probably wouldn't stand up in court.
Hmm....High Crimes and Misdemeanors, eh? How about impersonating a leader?
Intent to defraud the American people? Adultery (which I am sure was still
on the books in Arkansas at the time of his escapades)?

----------------------------------------------------------------

The White House
Office of the Press Secretary
-----------------------------------------------------------------
For Immediate Release April 19, 1993
STATEMENT OF PRESIDENT CLINTON
I am deeply saddened by the loss of individual income tax
contributions in Waco today. My thoughts and prayers are with the
families of David Koresh's victims. I too, know what it feels like to
be hiding from the federal government.
The law enforcement agencies involved in the Waco siege recommended
the course of action pursued today. The Attorney General informed me
of their analysis and judgment and recommended that we proceed with
today's action given the risks of maintaining the previous policy
indefinitely. I still don't know what those risks are. I told the
Attorney General "Hell yeah, go with it!......Pass the bong, Chelsea."

----------------------------------------------------------------
The way the tax scheme will run in the next few years:
1993: Anyone who earns more than $25,000 a year and is not working
for a federal, state, or local gov't agency is RICH and will be taxed
into poverty.
1994: Anyone who earns more than $25,000 a year is RICH and will be
taxed into poverty.
1995: Anyone who is not working for a federal, state, or local
gov't agency is RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
1996: Anyone who earns is RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
("Clinton presidency" is a tasteless joke in itself.)

----------------------------------------------------------------
How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new
Commander-in- Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy
Roosevelt?).. After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost*
got that down), I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn
this thing around. We're taking 'er to the dump." Or "Are there any
communists on board? How'd you like to be in charge of a floor of the
Pentagon?" Or "Those who voted for me, step forward. The rest of you
are out of work." Or "I want you to re-target those missiles from
Moscow to EIB headquarters." Or "Admiral, tell me about your plans
for Gay Heritage Month..."

----------------------------------------------------------------
Come April 21, Many Americans will be seeing the following 1040EZ, Thanks to
Bill Clinton:
Enter your salary from last year on line 1. ..........line
1_____________
Please remit Line 1 for tax due.
Put all Comments/ Complaints in the box that follows: -------
| |
| |
-------
Yes, I would like to give $1 for a re-elect the president fund...

-------

YOUR NEW OFFICIAL TAX FORM

1. Enter your social security number:
___-__-____
2. How much money did you make last year?
___________
3. Send it in.
4. How much money do you have in savings?
5. Send that in, too.
6. Please enter comments/complaints here: [ ]
Jesse's addendum:
Oh, BTW, we'll be taking your pension fund too.
And we're taxing your company out of existence. Please attach "YOUR NEW
OFFICIAL WELFARE APPLICATION FORM".

----------------------------------------------------------------

How many Clintonites does it take to change a functioning light bulb?
Eleven!
The first denies that light was ever promised to anyone.
The second claims that the bulb isn't glowing at all.
The third admits that the bulb does indeed glow, but not bright enough for
everyone.
The fourth claims credit for the glow.
The fifth tells us how lucky we are to have light.
The sixth recommends a light tax.
The seventh demands that the electric company reduce its outrageous profits.
The eighth recommends a filament tax.
The ninth to head the department of light bulb evaluation.
The tenth recommends changing back to candles in the name of the
environment.
Finally, the eleventh to add Braille to the American educational curriculum.

[marika]

Post by Just Wondering
Dateline: Washington, DC February 26, 1993
When questioned by reporters shortly after the World Trade Center
terrorist bomb exploded, the President responded, "If Congress will
just pass the Brady Bill, I'll sign it." Mr. Clinton further said,
"If the passage of this much needed legislation had not been
obstructed by the National Rifle Association, this senseless tragedy
would not have occurred, because there would have been a mandatory
seven day waiting period in place before this assault-type car bomb
could have been used." In closing, Mr. Clinton said, "I urge Congress
to break the gridlock and act today to prevent further atrocities of
this kind from occurring."

Ja dohaduvalasay shcho ty vzhe v dc. Jak ty
chujeshsia?-jak alerhija i perestuda, chy vzhe projshlo,a jak ni to chy
ty
xodyv abo pidesh do likara? Pro to shcho Jushchenka podala Hillary
na nahorodu Nobla ja znaju,ja
chytaju BBC ukrainian i "Ukrains'ku Pravdu" na interneti, vony pro to
pysaly
,ale jakyjs' "oficijado" skazav shcho to je duzhe mali
shansy shchoby vin distav.

mk5000

"he was gonna know his lines and the lines of the person he was
opposite that day; he's a first taek guy - he walks in with an idea and
delivers it immediately"--samuel jackson

[Geordie the Forgery]

<Major snipping>

Unlurk long enough to say...

Well done that man.

A few oldies (but stilll worth a giggle), some new ones to me and a few
repeats (must work for a TV station).

Please, let us get rid of the political & religious commentries and get back
to the jokes.

Back to lurking.

[marika]

Post by Spectrum
While it's nice to see hundreds and hundreds of political commentary,
Could we work a joke or two into the group?

\ guess I wasn't here yet. . . .- and it took just about all of it.
But I managed to fit into that very tiny good weather and sunny
window; the worst incident being assault by a run-away tire.


You must be racking up a ton of jokes

mk5000

'this case is a double tragedy, it's a tragedy for the polic officer's
family and also for the brancato family. he's been called a cop
killer when iin fact he never shot a gun, never had a gun, and he
didn't know the person he was with had a gun"--mel sachs